Gordon sat up at the table in his brother's apartment drinking a cup of coffee and heard a couple low thumps. Turning to glance over his shoulder, Gordon spotted Alan holding onto the wall as he hopped on his remaining foot in order to reach the kitchen. The kid was still in his pajamas, the only clue aside from his hopping that he was missing his leg was where Alan had tied the pant leg into a knot on his left leg. Standing to help Alan out, he was brushed brusquely to the side by Alan.
"I've got it." Alan brushed Gordon's hand away when the red head reached out to act as a crutch.
"No need to snap Alan." Gordon griped, but stopped speaking when Alan shot an intense heat filled glare his way.
"Don't tell me not to snap! This is my own damn apartment, I can snap as much as I want!" Alan growled at the brother that chose to stay behind while the rest of their family had returned to the island to tie up any loose ends before Pamela and Alan's wedding in the next three days. They had no intentions of being called out on any rescues when their baby was saying his vows with the love of his life and they were making sure that they wouldn't be bothered during that time. Pamela had returned to her hometown to get together with the girls (they were throwing her a bachelorette party) and she wouldn't be back until the night before their wedding – however she'd be staying with another girlfriend as she didn't want to curse their marriage by seeing her groom before the wedding. Alan was okay with that, but he made it clear that if her friends brought a male stripper to the bachelorette party he hoped he'd never find out.
Gordon bristled at the harsh treatment from his little brother but had to remind himself that Alan got like that sometimes, especially if he was in pain. He tended to be the dog in the saying "don't bite the hand that feeds you" because Alan would have to ask Pamela or one of his family members to get him a pain pill since it was too easy for him to overdose or get dependent on them since they were narcotics. Nodding silently, Gordon lowered his gaze before speaking to his little brother.
"How bad is the pain right now?"
Alan scoffed but didn't say anything, leading Gordon to believe that it wasn't to incredibly painful – just more of a dull ache. Perhaps Alan just woke up on the wrong side of the bed today?
"What makes you think I'm in pain?" Alan braced against the wall and hopped a few more feet before stopping to catch his balance.
"Since this accident happened, whenever you become short with someone – it's usually because you're in pain or uncomfortable." Gordon reasoned, hoping Alan wouldn't begin screaming at him like he'd also begun to do recently. Alan had a short fuse when he was in pain and his bullshit-o-meter had very little leeway before Alan's blood pressure and temper shot through the roof. "So how bad is the pain?"
Alan's eyes narrowed like he was trying to find something in Gordon's statement to pick at, but he withered on the spot. Alan sank into a chair while Gordon retrieved the bottle of pain pills when he saw the pinched expression on Alan's face. Even if Alan wasn't verbalizing the pain, Gordon knew it was bad if Alan adopted that defeated stance. Gingerly stepping into the kitchen to grab his mug of coffee, Gordon went back over to Alan and gave him his morning pain pill before giving Alan his mug to drink from.
"Thanks." Alan said breathlessly as his hand traveled down to rub his knee.
"The pain is that bad, huh?" Gordon crouched before Alan and looked up at his little brother – could see the sheen of sweat glistening on Alan's brow. Alan nodded slowly.
"Yeah." Alan exhaled like a mother in labor. Gordon heard more than saw Alan's fist tighten as the kid's knuckles popped while he gripped his pajama pant leg.
"Here." Gordon grabbed the ottoman from Alan's living room to sit on and sat before Alan once more before gently taking hold of Alan's stump of a leg.
"What are you doing?" Alan asked as he watched his brother untie the knot in his pant leg, rolling the hem up above Alan's knee – revealing the stump to the two brothers.
"Testing a theory I read about." Gordon looked at his little brother's stump before trying to envision Alan's leg being in its rightful place. Lowering his hands, Gordon began to rub at the air, giving Alan's imagined leg a massage. Alan actually seemed to relax when Gordon began the massage. Wondering if he should explain more, Gordon glanced up at Alan briefly to see his little brother's eyes were closed and he seemed to be relaxing. "I went to one of the websites provided in the pamphlet the surgeon gave us – for adapting to you or a loved one becoming an amputee and found a blog about a phenomena called 'phantom pain'. It's something common to most amputees."
Alan gave a low groan when Gordon quit massaging the air and gently rubbed his thumbs along Alan's actual stump.
"Apparently there is also something called residual pain and that affects the limb where the amputated portion came from." Gordon focused on gently massaging Alan's stump before continuing to rub where Alan's calf was supposed to be. "The blogger said her daughter used to massage the space where her arm should have been – her arm was lost when somebody sideswiped their car."
Gordon paused in speaking and in massaging Alan's leg to gauge his little brother's reaction, but looked surprised when Alan spoke.
"Who said you could stop Gordo?"
"Nobody." Gordon grinned slightly as he continued to massage Alan's lost limb. Once more, Alan visibly relaxed as the supposed phantom pain lessened. Sitting on the floor, Gordon continued his ministrations until Alan gave the word. When Gordon quit, he leaned back and gazed up at his brother when he shifted in his seat. "What's up Al?"
"I'm going to get my prosthesis and get dressed; I want to go for a walk – not a hop." Alan braced himself against his kitchen table and pushed up until he stood up partially straight. After gaining his sense of balance, Alan hopped to the side in order to clear the table. "Can you please fix me a cup of coffee Gordo? I need some caffeine if I'm going to function today."
"Sure Allie." Gordon stood too and he watched Alan hop towards his and Pamela's bedroom before turning his back to grab a coffee mug from the cupboard.
… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …
Alan held onto the hand rail which his dad had installed in there for him to hold onto while he bathed and from beneath the fall of water…Alan looked down at his leg or where he leg should have been and felt the well of pity grow in the pit of his stomach. He wished things hadn't happened the way they had, causing him to be in the path of an out of control taxi. Fearing that he'd grow depressed if he continued on the thought process he was currently on – Alan stopped thinking about the "what if's" and focused on finishing his shower.
When he'd shut off the water – Alan allowed the water to cascade from his body before grabbing his towel and drying off as best as he could. Slipping into his boxers, Alan focused on not slipping with a partially wet foot as he hopped across the bathroom to where his clothes were located. Making it to the bathroom door, Alan opened the door to release the steam into his bedroom before hopping into the adjoining room. He'd forgotten his prosthetic sock and needed to put it on before he could put on his leg. If he didn't wear his sock, he usually got a blister and those hurt worse than a stone bruise. Making it to his bed, Alan sat down before retrieving his prosthetic sock and putting it on.
Once his prosthetic sock was on, Alan stood once more and hopped to the bathroom so he could put his leg on and get dressed. Making it to the bathroom, Alan grabbed his prosthetic leg and held it with both hands as he raised his stump and slid the prosthetic leg on. Lowering his leg, Alan put his weight on the leg to make sure it fit snug – if it didn't Alan would need to grab another sock. His leg could fall off and he didn't want that happening if he was going into public. Not again. Not like last time.
Last time was traumatizing for Alan and he'd been embarrassed near to tears when a kid pointed out that he was missing his leg. He'd gone to the mall with Pamela and John in order to try to find some nice dress shoes to go with his tux for the wedding and he hadn't realized that he hadn't made sure the fit was still snug before leaving the shoe shop and he'd been standing in line at the food court with Pamela and John to get a bite of lunch when he'd been tripped up by an old man's cane. He'd been tripped up on his bad leg and his prosthetic leg fell off almost immediately. All eyes stared at Alan as he hung his head in shame. Then the coup de grace was in the form of a little kid that had screamed and loudly yelled, "Look mommy, that man don't have a leg!"
With tears of shame and embarrassment glistening in his eyes, Alan had hopped away; frantically looking for a place to hide in his embarrassment. John and Pamela followed him, Pamela not caring that she was entering the men's room and the two of them calmed him down, John having retrieved Alan's leg and brought it with him. Once Alan's tears had been dried and Alan's leg replaced they left to go back to Alan and Pamela's apartment. Alan refused to look at Pamela and John, retiring to bed immediately upon arriving back home. He'd slipped into a depression not long after and it was by an act of congress that brought Alan out of his funk and practically back into the land of the living.
Once Alan was fully dressed, wearing his sneakers and long jeans in order to disguise his prosthetic leg; Alan felt it was safe to leave his bedroom. Upon walking out into the living room, he'd found Gordon had prepared a travel mug of coffee not just for Alan, but he'd prepared one for himself as well and was bent over tying his shoes.
"What are you doing Gordo?" Alan asked, surprised to see Gordon getting ready like he was going somewhere.
"I'm going with you on that walk. I've got to get out and get a breath of fresh air before I go crazy." Gordon said as he stood – smoothing out the wrinkles in his pant legs as he straightened.
Alan couldn't help but to smile at that. Gordon was going crazy in a sense; Alan's apartment didn't have a pool and the YMCA center was too far for Gordon to walk as Alan never had a car. He commuted using the bus or a taxi – well he had used taxis…not so much anymore since a taxi caused his loss of limb. Therefore Gordon refused to travel by taxi since Alan refused to – as Gordon usually wanted Alan to join him swimming. Two injured brothers swimming for the Hell of it as Gordon had put it – not for therapy.
Feeling he'd regret it, Alan turned back to his bedroom.
"Where are you going?" Gordon asked with incredulity.
"To go get my swim suit…you'd better go get yours Gordo." Alan said as he entered his bedroom.
"Why?" Gordon followed Alan and leaned against the door frame with a questioning look on his face.
"Why else dummy? We're going to go to the YMCA downtown and swim for a while." Alan grabbed his swim trunks and wished he could just wear his jeans, he wasn't ready for anybody to see his missing leg – but he wanted to do what he could so Gordon could at least unwind a little. He'd been stuck in the apartment with Alan and only Alan for a little over a week – just the two of them. The family fish was probably about to shrivel up and flop on his side like a regular beached fish. Alan didn't want that so he'd bite the bullet and go swim with his brother.
"If that's what you want Alan. Don't be doing this for me." Gordon looked at his little brother's tense back.
"It is." Alan said, glancing shyly over his shoulder at his big brother. It wasn't but he wanted to make Gordon see how much he appreciated his help since the accident. Alan had forgiven Gordon and Virgil for their barbs the day everything had gone to hell for him. Forgive and forget was his policy. Even if the memory of those words still stung, Alan had forgiven Gordon and Virgil and he'd accepted their help when they offered and he wasn't feeling too pig headed to accept.
"Whenever you're ready, we can walk to the subway and hitch a ride." Gordon said, leaving off the option for a taxi knowing that Alan had developed a fear of taxis since he'd been hit by one. Alan nodded before turning around to show that he'd been holding his swimming trunks for the last five minutes. Gordon felt like he was looking at a five year old Alan rather than a twenty year old. Alan had the look. His signature puppy pout and even though they both were adults, Gordon still thought it was cute. "Are you sure you want to go?"
Alan nodded before lifting his gaze. "I-I was thinking we'd take a taxi."
"No Alan, I don't want to force you." Gordon said as he walked forwards to Alan. The red head could see Alan was trembling. "We'll take the subway. I don't care if it's an hours transit, at least then you're comfortable."
Alan shook his head, while Gordon nodded.
"Really Alan I don't want to deal with you having a panic attack. We'll take it slow. You haven't been in or around a taxi in months – not since we tried to bring you home from the hospital in a taxi and you flipped out." Gordon said as he left to go grab his own swim trunks. Alan sighed as Gordon left; really he was grateful for Gordon insisting they take the subway. Going out into public and being seen without his leg was bad enough, but forcing himself to get in a taxi when he wasn't ready? That was taking it too far too fast.
… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …
Sitting on the edge of the pool, Alan let his leg dangle into the water. He heard a splash and looked towards the source of it and could barely make out his older redheaded brother among the bubbles as he cut through the water. He looked back down into the water and wondered if it'd be wise for him to slide in. He still hadn't mastered swimming with one leg yet and he feared that he'd drown. Drowning was not exactly something he wanted to do…especially not with the impending wedding in three days' time. A splash startled Alan from his thoughts and he looked sullenly at Gordon who'd slapped the water splashing Alan to gain his attention.
"What do you want Gordo?" Alan asked meekly.
"I've been trying to talk to you for the last three minutes Al. Where's your head at?" Gordon leaned on the retaining wall and gazed up at his brother as the blonde fiddled with the drawstrings of his swim trunks.
"I just feel weird." Alan looked cautiously around, fearing that all eyes were on him and his missing leg.
Gordon caught on to Alan's problem like he'd spoken it aloud and he nudged Alan's right knee with his elbow, making Alan look at him once more. "Nobody's looking at you Al…trust me. It's not such a weird sight to see somebody with a missing limb these days."
"But…" Alan started to say but Gordon cut him off.
"No Al, no buts. Nobody here cares that you are without a leg. Big deal, so you are missing your leg, it's not that big of a shocker. There are lots of people who come here that are missing parts of their body – aside from you. I'm the only one here that cares about you and your missing leg and that's only because you're my little brother and I love you." Gordon said as he hauled himself out of the water to sit beside Alan. Slinging his arm over Alan's shoulder, he gave the younger man a warm squeeze about the shoulders meant as a hug. "Don't act like it's that big of a deal…I don't."
"But you aren't the one that has to live in this body Gordo…" Alan turned pained eyes to his older brother and stared solemnly at the redhead.
"I may not live in your body Al, but I have to live in mine. Imagine how weird I felt when I was just learning how to walk again after my accident. I was eighteen and had to hold somebody's hand literally because I feared falling down thanks to my shoddy balance. Trust me I know how it feels to feel like your whole life has been fucked up." Gordon said softly so only Alan could hear. "It'll get better…trust me. Soon you won't even bat an eye when someone sees that you are missing a leg or questions you about it. I don't – not when someone sees the scars on my back from all the surgeries I had done to fix my injuries."
Alan stayed silent as he contemplated what Gordon said and leaned his head on his brother's shoulder…needing the comfort of an older brother for reassurance that he wasn't a freak of nature thanks to him missing his leg. Gordon stayed by Alan's side for several minutes before looking longingly at the water.
"You can go swimming Gordy, I'll wait here." Alan said as he sat up straight.
"Nope, no can do kiddo. I came here with you because you said we'd both go swimming not just me." Gordon said as he nudged Alan's shoulder. "Now what do you say to giving it a go?"
"I…" Alan cut himself off from blurting out why he didn't want to swim but again as if he'd spoken it aloud – Gordon put to words what Alan could not.
"There's nothing to be scared of Al. I'm right here and I'll hang on to you until you feel comfortable going it alone. There's also a lifeguard over there. Neither of us will let anything happen to you." Gordon said with assurance as he gazed upon his unsure little brother. "Please, will you at least give it a try? For me?"
Alan contemplated it for a moment before sighing with resignation. Gordon was right. It was just water and swimming. As Alan's therapist had told him when he'd contemplated water therapy, it'd be good exercise for him and it'd help him with his balance (though how that'd help Alan had no clue). Nodding at Gordon, Alan waited until Gordon slid into the eight feet deep water before bracing himself on Gordon's shoulders. Gordon held firmly onto Alan's hips as he guided Alan into the water and he refused to loosen his grip as Alan clung to him.
"Ssh, it's okay Alan. I'm right here. Relax…" Gordon soothed as he continued to hold onto Alan while his brother suffered his mild anxiety attack in silence. "I'm right here little brother, are you gonna be okay?"
After a few minutes, Alan calmed enough to loosen his death grip on Gordon's shoulders. He still held onto his older brother, but didn't have quite the bruising grip on his shoulders as he had before.
"There we go. Now I want you to just breathe and let yourself float. It's like riding a bicycle, you never forget." Gordon instructed as he observed his brother's jerky movements beneath the water. He breathed with Alan, until Alan quit gulping air. "Now, I'm going to swim backwards and I want you to paddle with your foot…kick like you normally would with your…your…" Gordon didn't want to reference Alan's missing leg so boldly, knowing how sensitive Alan was about it being discussed in public so he struggled to find the right word.
"Stump…you can say it." Alan granted quietly.
"Kick using your…stump…like you normally would with your leg." Gordon instructed softly, again softly for only Alan to hear.
Gordon continued to hold onto Alan as he swam backwards, making Alan kick to propel himself through the water like he'd normally do. After a few tries, Gordon released Alan without his knowledge and swam backwards again until Alan finished a short lap and it was when he actually felt Gordon grab his waist did it occur to him that he was swimming without Gordon's help.
"When did you let go?" Alan asked as he was finally floating freely in front of Gordon.
"I let go a couple of laps ago. You were concentrating so hard you didn't even notice I'd let go." Gordon said with a smile. "You were doing so good Al…I'm real proud of you."
"I did it?" Alan asked in shock.
"Yeah…you did kiddo." Gordon said with a smile as Alan's eyes shone with pride. "You're awesome Sprout."
Gordon hugged Alan back when his little brother latched onto him with a big smile and a laugh. He couldn't believe he'd been able to do something he'd feared doing more than twice in this day. He'd gone without his leg in public for a change – willingly and he'd swam unassisted for the first time since using a small wading pool at his therapy center to take the stress off his joints while he worked on his balance shortly after the accident.
A/N: I know I marked this story as complete and I actually had no intention to add on to this, but some lingering little thought wouldn't leave me alone and I found myself thinking of the story and how I'd just left it - unfinished. I thought that leaving it as is would have been a good ending because it'd leave readers to their own interpretations, but after giving it some though...I didn't like that. So I created this chapter and one more to complete this story.
I'll post the last chapter on Thursday Oct 30 in the evening when I'm done with college for the day.
Hope you all enjoy!
Angel
