He is not allowed to be in pain over this. He has a ship to lead. And besides, how could his grief compare to anyone else's on board? Gorram it, Zoe lost a husband, and she is still being strong, not pausing for a moment in her day to day life. He knows River was close to the Sheppard, not to mention all of the mind-messing she had done to her, and even she manages to keep together, acting like the pilot he now needs her to be. Kaylee takes her time to cry, but she compartmentalizes it, keeps it separate while she buries herself in the engine and keeps Serenity flying. Jayne goes on being Jayne. What right does Mal have to openly grieve when they all seem to be getting along just fine? He needs to be the captain.
Only at night does he let it go. His ship is changed, way too empty, and no matter whether or not they fill it with new people, it will always be missing a bit of laughter and a bit of philosophy.
He only cries occasionally, and tries to keep it quiet, but the man in his arms always wakes up. He must look mighty uncivilized, big ugly tears dripping down and his face getting all red, but his civilized doctor never seems to care. He holds him tight, curled up next to him; the bunk used to seem small, but now Mal thanks its size for keeping Simon close to him. At night, he is no longer a captain who lost part of his crew. Simon lets him be Malcolm, who lost two of his friends.
He knew he made the right decision, all that time ago. He needed a doctor, to help chase away some of the hurt.
