Funny story about this chapter: I wrote this when I was really tired and I thought it would suck when I went back to reread it and that I'd have to scrap it and start over, but I was surprised that aside from an abundance of typos it was in pretty good shape. I was really disgusted with what I had written when I was tired, but later I was fine with it. You'd think it'd be the other way around. Or maybe you think my tired brain was right and this chapter is no good. Feel free to let me know.
So anyway, unless you speak latin then you'll be just as confused as Liara about what the last three words (and the title of this story) mean. And I am aware that you can just google it and find out; whether you should is a different matter though. Of course it is up to you. It won't ruin anything I think, but I will reveal the meaning later in the story so I don't plan to keep you in the dark forever. So yeah, basically look it up now and try to figure out what I'm up to, or wait and find out when Liara does. Choice is yours. I just ask that if you do look it up, then please don't post anything about the meaning in a review that other ppl can see. I don't want anyone who wants to be surprised to accidentally get spoiled. If you have a question about the meaning and want me to answer it, just send me a private message and I'll be more than happy to talk about it.
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Promises
Cerberus was good; but she was better. Or, perhaps more importantly, she had two tech experts who were loyal to her and were willing to help her out. The first was one of her best friends, Tali, who Shepard knew she could trust. The other was the salarian genius, Mordin, who she felt confident could keep a secret and would also be willing to help her. She'd thought about asking the enigmatic thief, Kasumi, for help as well, but decided against it when she realized the nosey thief might be inclined to plant her own recording devices in place of Cerberus's.
It was the last day that the Normandy would be docked on Illium and Shepard had come up with a plan. After she had acquired Samara, the asari Justicar, the commander thought back to what the matriarch at the bar had said about hand-writing a message. True, Shepard had not known Samara long, but it seemed apparent that the justicar held honor and loyalty in high esteem. If Samara gave her word that she would be discreet, then Shepard felt inclined to trust her.
With Tali and Mordin trailing her, Shepard entered the observation deck where the justicar spent most of her day meditating. Without turning, Samara said, "Shepard." Then after a slight pause added, "And two others. This is a surprise." The biotic glow that surrounded her faded as she turned her head to look at her guests.
Shepard held a small, brown box under her right arm. Inclining her head to the asari, she said, "Samara, I have a favor to ask of you."
Though Samara hardly ever let her emotions show, she did raise her brows in surprise. "I must admit that I am intrigued. What do you wish to ask me, Shepard?"
"If I dictated a message to you, could you write it down in the asari language for me?" Then after a moment of thought she added, "A private message."
The justicar's gaze drifted from the commander to the two crewmembers standing behind her. Her face showed that she was working through the situation methodically. "And you have brought two tech experts because you think this room is wired with listening devices?" she ventured.
Shepard nodded. "I'm sure the whole ship is bugged by Cerberus. Tali and Mordin will do a sweep of your room to find any hidden devices."
After studying the commander's face, Samara said, "I can see that this is a personal thing for you to ask. I will help you as best I can, Shepard."
With a grateful incline of her head, Shepard said, "Tali, Modrin, do your thing."
The quarian and salarian went to opposite ends of the room and began tapping at their omni-tools, searching. Shepard watched curiously for a while before sitting down next to the asari. Placing the box between them, she lifted the lid to reveal a pad of paper and an ink pen. She'd spent the last few hours thinking about what she would say to Liara - how she could put all of her feelings down in a simple note. Ultimately, she knew that what she could say would be inadequate, but she had to try to say something.
Once Tali and Mordin had finished sweeping the room, they gave Shepard the all clear. Before they left, Shepard pulled Tali aside and added in a hushed voice, "Tell Joker to keep EDI busy." Her friend nodded and left, leaving her alone with Samara. The commander suspected that Joker would be more than happy to oblige her request. Shepard handed the justicar the paper and pen with shaking hands. She had no idea why she was so nervous.
Samara's pale eyes seemed to take in everything at once, examining the expression on Shepard's face with open curiosity. However, she didn't ask any questions; Shepard was thankful for that. Instead she said, "I am ready when you are, Commander."
Shepard took a deep breath and recalled the message she had rehearsed in her head. Choosing to wait a few minutes to make sure Joker had enough time to distract the AI, she had plenty of time to recall the entire message. She spoke slowly and deliberately, pausing so that Samara had a chance to write it all down. "Dear Liara... I know that information is dangerous on Illium and I hope that this note is a safe way to communicate with you. There is a lot I wish I could say, too much to write it all down. I think I understand why you are pushing me away, to protect me. I think that if I were in your place I might do the same thing. I also know that right now..." Her voice caught in her throat at what she was about to say. She had to summon all her willpower to admit it out loud. "I know that right now I have no place in your life. I wish I knew what I could do to change that. All I can think to give you is the same promise I gave you once before. Maybe, after this is done and we aren't fighting anymore... maybe we can figure this out. I promise to come back to you." Her throat felt dry and an unnamable sadness hung in her heart as the final words left her lips. Her promise seemed like so little to offer to Liara, but it was all she could think of to give.
Samara finished writing and looked up at Shepard with a sympathetic expression. Handing the paper and pen back to the commander, she said quietly, "I think she is very lucky to have you, Shepard. I hope she will realize that."
Nodding, because she didn't trust herself to speak, Shepard took the objects and examined what Samara had written. The shapes scrawled on the paper were nothing like any human language Shepard had ever seen. She couldn't even begin to decode their meaning. Frowning, she thought that it seemed as if nothing of herself was present in the note. Sure, the words were hers but the physical message was alien to her.
As if she could read her mind, Samara stated, "You should write your name in your own language and perhaps add something of your own. She will be glad to see something of you on the paper, I think."
The commander's violet eyes stared at the alien writing for a while as she considered what she should add to the message. First, she signed her name below the block of text. Then, her next thought was of the words she had thought, but never actually spoken to Liara. Willing her hand to stop shaking, she wrote I love you at the bottom of the sheet. Yet, she still wanted to say more. Wanted to tell Liara everything that she felt. Seeing the three words printed did not seem adequate; she wanted the words to clearly be from her heart, to be poetic. Finally, with a small smile, she added three more words that expressed the truth. Liara might not be able to read the message that Shepard had written, but at least she could see what was in her heart.
Standing, she thanked Samara for her help and folded the piece of paper, placing it in her pocket. As she went to grab her gear for one final excursion on Illium the words she had written resounded in her head. The words filled her with the knowledge that she refused to lose everything from her old life. No matter the cost, she would get Liara back.
I love you sub specie aeternitatis.
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Liara did not expect to see Shepard again before the commander left on her mission. She was well aware that the Normandy was scheduled to leave that day, having kept track of the docking records, but she did not think Shepard would stop by to say goodbye. Although the dark haired woman had done a good job at matching Liara's professionalism and matter-of-fact tone during their conversations, the asari had seen the hurt in Shepard's violet eyes when she pulled away from their initial kiss. She couldn't forget the look of loss on the commander's face no matter how hard she tried. But that was the way it had to be. It was for the best.
When Shepard strode into her office unannounced, and alone, Liara hastily rose to her feet in surprise. "Shepard! What are you doing here?" she couldn't help blurting out.
"I wanted to let you know that the Normandy is leaving Illium today," she replied evenly, although she glanced around the room, taking in everything within a few seconds.
"Ah, yes," Liara answered, a little unsure. "I was informed of that. Did you need something before you left?" She knew the words were cold, and the flash of shock on Shepard's face was enough to let her know that the commander had been hurt by those words.
"I just wanted to say goodbye."
"Oh," Liara murmured. "Well, it was good to see you again, Shepard."
To her surprise the commander stood across the desk from her and stuck out her hand for a traditional human handshake. Liara understood that the gesture was extremely formal and usually used with people who either met for the first time or business associates. She hoped that the pain she felt did not flash across her face for Shepard to see this time. She reached out and gripped Shepard's hand while thinking that this was it; Shepard had decided to move on as well. Who they had been, their relationship, was over. It was how she knew it had to be; but then, why did it hurt her so much?
Then, suddenly, she realized that she didn't feel flesh against the palm of her hand. Rather, she felt something thin and flat pressed against her skin while Shepard gave her a quick, meaningful look. Catching on, Liara kept her grip on the object as she pulled her hand away and made sure to close her fist around it in order to hide the note from any recording devices that might be watching.
With a solemn incline of her head, Shepard whispered, "I'll come back, Liara." It sounded like a promise. Not sure what to say, Liara just nodded in response. She watched as the love of her life turned her back and walked out the door.
Once Shepard had gone, Liara slumped down into her chair. Her chest felt suddenly heavy, as if a weight were pressing down on her heart. She could still feel the object in her hand, but dared not look at it in her office. It wouldn't be safe. But she wanted to know. More than anything she wanted to know what Shepard had given her. After some time, she leaned forward and opened her desk drawer, pretending to take out a datapad to read, but simultaneously dropping the object into the drawer. Out of the corner of her eye she saw that it appeared to be a folded piece of paper. As she pretended to read the datapad, she wondered how Shepard might have hand-written a message. As far as Liara knew, Shepard did not speak or write any asari. And if Shepard had written it in the human language, then Liara would have to use a translator to read it, thus making the note too dangerous to decipher; all that effort would be pointless. But she knew Shepard - the commander thought of everything. She would have found a way. Liara would just have to wait and read the message later.
In the meantime, she had to get her mind off the message, so she worked. After a few hours had passed, she decided that it would be safe to leave for the day and return home. As she put her datapads away, she grabbed the piece of paper from the drawer and hid it up her sleeve. On her way back to her apartment she kept lookout for anyone following her or showing too much interest. She did this everyday anyway, but today she had to make sure no one was following her to discover the contents of Shepard's letter. As soon as she entered her apartment she locked the doors and covered the windows.
When she felt confident that she was secure and alone, Liara finally sat on her couch and slipped the paper from her sleeve. Unfolding the message, she noticed immediately that it was written in asari. The handwriting was extremely neat and polished, excellent penmanship by asari standards. Liara at once suspected that Shepard had had the justicar, Samara, transcribe the message for her. She read the letter silently to herself. And then she read it two more times. Each time, she felt more conflicted: Shepard understood why things had to be this way, but she also wasn't giving up on Liara. Part of her heart soared while the other part wished that Shepard would not make this so difficult.
Her fingers brushed the last few words scribbled at the bottom of the sheet. These words were distinctly not asari and were clearly written by Shepard's hand. Liara knew that she couldn't use the extranet to translate the sentence; her search records were likely being watched by not only the Shadow Broker, but several other information brokers on Illium. Still, she recognized the first three words. When she'd first met Shepard and the crew of the Normandy she had made several searches about humans and their culture, trying to fill in the gaps of her knowledge about this young species. She'd browsed their art, music, and literature in an attempt to understand them, and to understand Shepard. The phrase "I love you" was a common one for humans, appearing in several songs and even artwork. The asari equivalent of the phrase held similar importance in their society, so she was not too surprised to see "I love you" used frequently by humans.
But seeing the words now and knowing that Shepard had written them for her made Liara's breath catch in her throat. It wasn't that she thought Shepard didn't love her, but they had never spoken the words to one another before. And Shepard was cautious, prone to being reserved about her feelings; for her to put such a declaration out there while probably uncertain whether Liara even felt the same for her anymore was a risk Shepard normally wouldn't take.
The last three words the commander had written, however, were completely alien to her. She had no idea what they meant, especially when combined with the phrase "I love you." Perhaps the words even negated the first part of the sentence. There was no way to know right then. The only way she could find out their meaning would be to ask Shepard.
With a sad smile, Liara thought to herself that that was probably what Shepard had planned all along.
