(AN: If you're reading this, it means I feel like posting chapter 3, which is really chapter 2. The answers to the questions posed at the end of chapter 2 which is really chapter 1 are, in order: read to find out, all will be revealed in time, maybe if you'd just listen you'd hear the answer, patience young Padawan, wait and see. And with that my duties on this earth are fulfilled.)
CHAPTER TWO: IN WHICH PRISON LOSES ITS EXCITEMENT AND SLOWLY TURNS INTO A DRUDGING MARCH TOWARD AN INEVITABLE DEATH – OR WAS THAT A RELATIONSHIP? OH SNAP! WHAT NOW, RELATIONSHIPS? ANYWAY, I LIED BACK THERE – INTERESTING THINGS ACTUALLY HAPPEN IN THIS CHAPTER
"Well, that was certainly a rather interesting start to our series," said Snake, switching to Camera 3. "But what will come next for our pair of newly minted lovebirds? Will they ever find out that their prison cell is actually part of a giant experiment in human psychology conducted by Crazy Hand? And where the hell is Master Hand? He said he'd be back in two weeks, and that was 15 days ago! Those stories, and Andy Rooney (who we've un-cryogenically frozen and brought to this dimension), tonight."
MEANWHILE, IN THE MAKESHIFT PRISON CELL (SEVERAL HOURS LATER)
Ness and Lucas relaxed on their new double bed (because Ikea!) in what was definitely not post-coital bliss, you pervert, they're 13! "So…" said Ness, trailing off after his brain-racking failed to produce any topics of conversation.
"…" said Lucas (a master at saying the unsayable – other gems include "I actually think Congress is all right" and "Tommy Wiseau is a creative genius"), in a similar fashion to the last few punctuation marks his boyfriend had punctuated. Boyfriend? That was such a strange new word to the boy. He rolled it around in his mind-mouth (the mouth in his mind – it would look silly to say "boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend" out loud over and over like an insane person) and decided it was cool. He was Ness's boyfriend, Ness was his boyfriend, they were boyfriends – shit, now it had lost all meaning by virtue of repetition and had turned into a gaggle of useless syllables! Lucas's mind went all crazy and he forgot to use his mind-mouth when saying other words to make up for this distressing new reality.
"Unspeakable wizard zombie ninja pirate robot skeleton KILL FIRE MURDER DEATH clown."
Well, then. That was settled (and it probably didn't need to have started in the first place – it's not like he was ever going to have to say "Hi I'm Lucas and this is my boyfriend"; he was far too timid to assert himself as having someone (at least in that manner – he could totally see himself owning slaves)). Now all that was left to do was sort through the myriad of emotions present on Ness's face, the latter boy having even lost his baseball cap in shock.
"So do you need counseling, Luke?"
"Nope."
Lucas Albert Spencer Plantagenet Thomas Cthulhu Webster: OBE, CSA, Order of Merlin Second Class, Eternal President of North Korea, and now, having just received 280 XP from that encounter, Level 26 Conversator/Dark Elf Hybrid. Life was good.
ONE WEEK LATER
"You'd think the Hands would provide us with food. The leaky faucet isn't leaking anymore, and we finished off the last of the Klondike bars yesterday." Lucas bristled at Ness's remark. "Hey, I like Klondike bars! It's not my fault I have a genetic abnormality that allows them to metabolize them rapidly and with extreme efficiency!"
"Calm down, Lukey, calm down. I'm sure we'll find a way, even if we have to synthesize the individual chocolate molecules to do it. My dad's a chemist; he taught me some of the tricks of the trade." assured Ness. "I thought he was a therapist?" asked Lucas. "He's both. Now, I doubt we could make chocolate from scratch without a patented NessCorp Chocotron 3000, and I doubt we could make a patented NessCorp Chocotron 3000 without a rich supply of metal that was probably mined by African child slaves, and I don't like using stuff that has 'African child slaves' in the how-it's-made process, so synthesis is out for now," stated Ness. "Maybe we should check that boarded-up window to see if it's – OH SHIT IT'S NOT AN EXIT. IT'S BEES. IT'S A SWARM OF NASTY BEES. SHIT SHIT SHIT GET THEM OFF ME LUKE GET THEM OFF OH GOD OH JESUS FUCKING SHITTING CHRIST FUCKY FUCK FUCK SHIT I'LL KILL EVERYTHING YOU LOVE WITH FIRE!" The older boy soon realized his mistake as his entire face was covered in bee stings the minute he pried off the first board. "Jesus, Ness, that looks bad." observed Lucas. "No shit it's bad. Are there any bandages around?" queried the object of Lucas's observation. "Also, why am I just 'the object' of your observation? I'm the man in this relationship!"
"Aw, does widdle Nessie wessie want a kissy wissy on his boo boo?" taunted Lucas. "No, you fool! Stay in the kitchen and look for band – oh wait, they're in my backpack. I guess the Boy Scouts did teach me at least some things before I went off to save the goddamn world with no help from them." replied Ness, who, due to his Boy Scout training in multitasking, was able to put on the bandages while ranting about the horrors of his pre-Giygas/Smashing life.
"Hey, Ness?" asked Lucas. "What is it, Luke?" asked Ness, having now placed the last of the bandages on his facial stings. "Look out the window there – I think that's Master Hand's office! But who's inside?" The two boys peered out the sliver of window made available by Ness's board prying to see a lavish land of comfy chairs, desks, lamps, bookshelves, comfy chairs, and purple carpeting – "Master Hand has nice taste" remarked Lucas – currently occupied by a shadowy figure wearing a black cloak.
"Should we call to that shadowy figure wearing a black cloak?" asked Lucas. "No, let's just wait and see what it does." replied Ness. And so they waited for the longest time, whoa oh, for the longest time, until Ness told Lucas to shut up with the singing because the SFWABC had noticed and maybe they should get away from the window, BUT IT WAS TOO LATE, as said SFWABC had already hurried over to the window, knocking on the glass to get the boys' attention.
"Now listen here," it said, MENACINGLY, "you boys are being punished, all right? So I don't want any funny business going on here, 'mkay? 'Mkay. Now we're settled."
"Hey, I recognize that voice!" exclaimed Ness. "You're – "
AND EVERYTHING WENT BLACK. CLIFFHANGER!
(AN: WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT FOR OUR HEROES? Also, thanks to ohkaylasun for favoriting/reviewing/following (I assume those were all you) my story! You get the last Klondike bar, which I stole out of Lucas's hands like the evil, evil monster I am. Also, the sleeping situation (and many other things) will be discussed in the next installment of Whatever The Name Of This Fic Is, so stay tuned!)
