Disclaimer: I do not own Sword Art Online. I write this for your enjoyment only. This fic is based off the Alicization Arc with some differences and deviation from the original; please refer to the footnotes at the end. On a note, I like to experiment with alternate pairings as well as alternate versions of events so if that does not sit well with you, then I suggest you not read any further. That being said, enjoy and please review ^^.
Confessions from the Heart
"Where is this place, Kirito? Why did you want to come here?" Alice Zuberg asked as she gently pushed Kirito's wheelchair off the main Rulid village road and towards a forest clearing.
The raven-haired youth shifted slightly in his wheelchair as he turned his head to face his caretaker.
"This is the forest where the Gigas Cedar used to be, Alice. Long ago, Eugeo and I would chop at it every day and you used to bring us our lunches exactly at noon when you got out of your Sacred Arts classes."
Alice looked around the forest clearing with interest. While she couldn't exactly remember bringing lunch to Kirito and Eugeo here as a child, the ex-Integrity Knight had to admit that the area did feel somewhat familiar to her. Although their home was nearby, it was the first time Kirito requested that Alice bring him to this area in particular after they stopped by the local flower shop in Rulid so he could purchase a bouquet of zinnias, flowers that represented remembrance of loved ones.
"The Gigas Cedar…" the blonde repeated curiously. "What was it?"
"That. Over there" Kirito answered as he pointed towards the direction of the largest tree stump Alice had ever seen. One that was at least five times larger than a normal tree stump indicating that the tree that once stood there must have been gigantic.
"Wow…that tree must have been huge" Alice remarked as she pushed Kirito's wheelchair right in front of the giant tree stump. "What happened to this Gigas Cedar?"
Kirito smiled sadly as he recalled the blond boy who finally achieved what six generations of woodcutters in his village could not in over three hundred years.
"Eugeo cut it down. He was the last person to work on this tree before it finally fell."
"Eugeo alone did this?" Alice asked curiously as she stared at the giant tree stump in amazement and wonder. "I thought you said you were helping him?"
"I was" Kirito admitted. "But Eugeo did most of the work and he was the one who delivered the blow that took it down for good. It was after completing this task that Eugeo decided to leave for Centoria with me to become a swordsman."
"I see… that's interesting. So why did you want to come here today of all places?"
"Because…this is also where I met Eugeo for the first time", Kirito answered as he finally placed the bouquet on the stump of the Gigas Cedar. *1*
Technically, the forest clearing was where Kirito had actually met Eugeo for the second time as a young man since both of their memories of being childhood friends were lost for a time.
But Kirito thought it best not to mention that to Alice since it would likely be too complicated for him to explain and too complicated for her to understand.
"Is that the only reason?"
Kirito sighed and shook his head. "No… I also wanted to come here to pay my respects to Eugeo. And hopefully help jog your memory a bit more since you used to spend a lot of time here with us too." *2*
Alice gazed at the bouquet of flowers on the giant tree stump. "Well, I'll admit that this area does feel somewhat familiar" she confessed. "Even though I can't remember playing here with you and Eugeo, I believe what you say."
Kirito reached behind himself and gently patted Alice's hand. "It's alright if you can't remember right away; I didn't expect you to. I'm grateful that you even agreed to take me here in the first place."
"I do not mind, Kirito. I like this forest; it feels peaceful and tranquil to me. And if it makes you feel closer to Eugeo being here, we can come more often if you like."
Kirito nodded. "I'd like that, Alice. By the way, there's an apple tree a little further up the clearing. Would you mind getting some? I'd like to make an apple pie tonight."
Taking the hint, Alice said "Very well. I'll be back in ten minutes or so. If you need anything, just call for me."
"I will. Thank you, Alice."
After his caretaker left to get the apples he requested, Kirito took another quick glance around the clearing to ensure that he was truly alone before he finally spoke the words that was on his mind.
"I'm sorry for being late, Eugeo. I've been wanting to come for some time but haven't had the chance, especially since I just barely recovered from being a vegetable not too long ago. I think you'd be interested to know that I have Alice and Selka to thank for that" Kirito began quietly. After pausing for a moment to think about what he wanted to say next, the raven-haired youth continued.
"I know this is long overdue, but I owe you an apology, my friend. To be honest, I've always regretted that I never told you who I really was and allowed you to think that I lost my memory for over two years. But you must believe me when I say that I never wanted to deceive you. In fact, I wanted to tell you the truth and badly at that. But I couldn't because I didn't want to frighten you or worse, make you think I was crazy. And then later, I didn't want to lose your friendship. I probably never mentioned it, but I've always cared a great deal about what you thought of me, Eugeo. I am not from anywhere in the Human Empire and the world I came from is as different from yours as night is from day. When I found myself stranded here, my original intention was to find a way back. But later, I wanted to take you and Alice with me when I realized that both of you wouldn't be able to live normal lives here after breaking the Taboo Index. Unfortunately, it did not work out the way I hoped and now, even I cannot go home. But I accept it as my punishment for failing you… and Alice. If there was anything I valued as much as my sword, my very life, was your faith and trust in me. And it kills me knowing that I've let you down."
As he spoke, Kirito found his eyes tearing up. And not because he knew he could not go home, but because his own words renewed the pain of Eugeo's loss once more. Kirito remembered how, in this very clearing almost three years ago, the kind-hearted blond boy offered him half of his meager lunch just moments after they met without asking for anything in return until Kirito himself volunteered to help him cut the Gigas Cedar. He also remembered how Eugeo stood there with a mischievous smile on his face, waiting for him to stun himself by striking the monster tree the wrong way and then burst out laughing when Kirito did exactly that.
Of course, he didn't think it was funny at the time but looking back on everything now made Kirito realize how much he missed Eugeo's mellifluous laughter and would have given anything to hear it again if he could. *3*
"I know this doesn't mean much coming from me now, but I've always thought that you deserved so much more than you were ever given. That's why I wanted to take you and Alice back to my world with me where there's no Taboo Index to dictate your lives and where both of you could have the freedom to live as you wanted. But like I said, it didn't turn out as I hoped. When I returned to Rulid with Alice, I realized the cruel irony that she was the one who ended up bringing me home instead of the other way around. For what it's worth, I believed that you should have been the one to return with her, not me. I wanted Alice to abandon me after we destroyed the Pontifex and would have forced her if I could. But she was stubborn and would not leave me or allow me to die. I guess her stubbornness is one thing about Alice that hasn't changed."
When he mentioned Alice, Kirito found a small smile tugging at his lips. The irony of having the former Integrity Knight who tried to kill him just a few months ago now forcing him to live whether he wanted to or not wasn't lost on the raven-haired youth. Although Alice had returned the two swords Kirito kept close to his side once more, she refused to lift the Sacred Art spell she casted to keep them securely locked inside their sheaths in case he was ever tempted to go back on his word not to fatally cut himself with them again.
"I guess what I wanted to say more than anything is that I miss you, Eugeo. More than you can ever imagine. Your friendship was the one thing I treasured the most in this world that's so far from my own. You've helped me to keep my sanity for the two years that I've been stuck here and now it's Alice who's doing that in your place. I wanted to protect her for you but as my crappy luck would have it, she's actually the one who's taking care of me. It's something I feel really bad about now but there's nothing I can do but hope that I'll eventually get better enough to take care of myself so I won't burden her and Selka anymore. Sometimes I wonder what you would think if you saw me now. You'd probably laugh at my pathetic state. But I wouldn't mind as long as it was you since you've proven yourself to be the better man between us. I also hope that you're happy, wherever you are now. You deserve to be more than anyone."
After he had finished pouring his heart out to the bouquet he had placed on the stump of the Gigas Cedar, Kirito sighed and placed his hands on his lap to observe a moment of silence for his late friend whom he hoped somewhere, somehow, could hear him. He also could not help but wonder where artificial fluctlights go when they die. Do they ascend to heaven if they've led righteous lives like people in the real world were believed to? Or do they simply ceased to exist altogether? Unlike the NPCs of Aincrad and the other virtual worlds he had visited in the past, Kirito thought of the Underworld inhabitants as being every bit as human as people of the real world and hoped that the former was true.
If artificial fluctlights do indeed go to heaven, then Eugeo would be a most beautiful angel… Kirito mused before he heard approaching footsteps and turned to find Alice with a basketful of apples in her arms.
Smiling politely, he said "Wow, it looks like we can make a couple of pies with those, Alice."
The blonde nodded. "Apples can be used to make a lot more than pies, Kirito" she said good-naturedly.
"Of course. Thanks for giving me a moment. Let's go home before it gets dark."
"Agreed."
Kirito was about to say something else when he and Alice suddenly notice a soft breeze wafting through the clearing.
"A bit chilly, isn't it?" Alice asked as she secured the scarf she was wearing around her head and neck.
"Yeah…" Kirito agreed. "Its strange, though; I don't ever remember this clearing getting breezy."
"I guess the winds have more room to move now that the Gigas Cedar is gone?"
"Could be. Anyway, let's get going."
Turning back to the gigantic tree stump, Kirito took one last look at the bouquet of zinnias he had left for Eugeo and noticed a different flower next to it. It was a pink flower that bore a striking resemblance to a chrysanthemum from his world, a flower that represented friendship and support.
"What the…?" he began in confusion.
"Is something wrong, Kirito?" Alice asked curiously as she approached him and stood behind his wheelchair.
"This flower…where did it come from? It wasn't here a second ago…" he said in awe.
Looking over his shoulder, Alice also noticed the lovely pink flower. "I don't know. Maybe it fell from one of the other trees when the breeze hit the clearing?" she suggested. "Its pretty though. Do you want to take it home? Selka just gave me this new vase I'm sure it would look nice in. You can put it on your windowsill or night table."
"Yes… I'd like that" Kirito said as he took the chrysanthemum flower off the stump before turning to Alice.
"I'm looking forward to seeing how this flower would look in your new vase. And making that apple pie."
The blonde finally smiled and hoped Kirito's comment meant that his appetite was starting to return.
"Me too."
SSSSSS
"Kirito, when do you think those apples will be ready?" Alice called from the kitchen as she and Selka were preparing dinner.
"Not long, I've just got a few more left to work on!" he shot back from his seat on the wheelchair that was parked on the front porch of their home. With the basket of apples at his feet and a glass bowl in his lap, Kirito had spent the last hour peeling and cutting the apples that Alice had brought back from the forest into slices that they will be needing to bake the pie he had requested.
With just three more apples to cut, Kirito took a moment to gaze at the setting sun in the distance. The sight reminded him of how he, Alice, and Eugeo used to sit on a hill together as children at dusk to watch the sun set while chatting about anything and everything they found fascinating and amusing. Those were happy and care-free days that Kirito had treasured during his second childhood in the Underworld just as much as his first childhood memories with Suguha in the real world.
Now that the memories of his lives in both worlds have been restored, Kirito could not help but feel a bit overwhelmed at times. After all, he was not a native of this virtual world yet at the same time, he was. But the difference between Kirito and the other inhabitants of the Underworld was that he could go against the Taboo Index without being bound by the Seal of the Right Eye and to his knowledge, only Eugeo and Alice had been able to break it through their own sheer willpower.
Even so, Kirito would not have minded being subject to the seal if it meant that he could walk and take care of himself again. For despite no longer being as helpless as he had been during the two months he had spent in a vegetable state, Kirito knew he still wasn't too far from it. Even though he had shown a lot of improvement thanks to Alice and Selka's efforts, Kirito still required assistance performing even some of the most mundane tasks he used to take for granted such as dressing and bathing himself. And while he still had feeling in his legs, they were simply too weak to support his weight to walk or stand for even a moment.
I'm so pathetic, Kirito thought as he reached for a herb in his pocket that Selka had given him to chew on whenever he was having depressing thoughts. In the real world, the herb would have been the equivalent of an anti-depressant pill but without the nasty side-effects due to being all-natural.
Unfortunately, Kirito also noticed that the herb was starting to lose its effectiveness in easing the bouts of depression he often suffered since waking up from his vegetable state. And as crazy as it sounded, he would have preferred that the herb give him negative side effects than none at all since they would have at least distracted him from his depressing thoughts of having failed Eugeo and to an extent, Alice as well.
This just isn't working anymore, Kirito thought as he finally stopped chewing the herb and threw it away in disgust. After watching the herb vanish in a nearby bush, the raven-haired youth found his eyes wandering to the fruit knife he had been using to cut the apples. Feeling a new wave of depression coming on, Kirito knew he had to find another way to deal with it or he would surely go mad. And while he had given Alice his word that he would not try to take his own life again, Kirito just realized that he never promised her not to injure himself in non-lethal ways like he was feeling the urge to do now.
I'll just tell Alice it was an accident if she asks… Kirito told himself as he brought his fruit knife closer to the hand he was holding an apple he was about to peel with.
Just as Kirito was about to press the blade against his skin to slice the tender flesh, he suddenly felt his other hand, the one holding the knife, cease to move. It felt like something or someone was grasping his wrist to keep it from moving, resisting his efforts to break free.
Startled, Kirito's eyes widened and he gasped but tried to keep his voice down to avoid drawing the attention of his caretaker.
"What's going on?" he whispered.
No.
"What?"
Don't do it…
Bewildered, Kirito looked around to see if anyone was there but could find no one nearby. Both Alice and Selka were in the kitchen so it could not have been either of them. Kirito wasn't sure if he was imagining it, but he thought he heard a voice and it actually sounded more like it was coming from inside his head than anywhere else.
Is it my conscience? He wondered. It was quite rare for Kirito to have a mental conversation with himself but this didn't feel quite the same as when he did; in fact, it actually sounded like someone else was speaking to him inside his mind. But that can't be possible since Kirito did not have a multiple personality disorder, at least not one he was aware of.
"I must be imagining things" Kirito muttered as he tried once again to bring the blade of the fruit knife to his skin. And as soon as he did, he felt that tight grip on his wrist again, refusing to let go.
Don't hurt yourself, Kirito…
The raven-haired youth bit his lip to keep from crying out in his fright.
"Who are you?" he whispered.
After a moment of silence, the voice inside his head answered.
Just someone who doesn't want to see you hurt. So please…
Though the mysterious voice sounded vaguely familiar, Kirito could not quite put a finger on who it could be but obeyed and moved the fruit knife away from his hand to peel the apple he was holding instead.
Thank you…
SSSSSS
"Here, how's this?" Selka asked as she presented Kirito with a beautifully decorated white vase where she placed the chrysanthemum flower he had found on the stump of the Gigas Cedar earlier that day.
Kirito smiled as he took the gift Selka offered after helping him change into his sleeping clothes for the night and took a few moments to admire the exquisite craftsmanship of the vase. After dinner, it became routine for Kirito to assist Alice and Selka with cleaning before his usual bath and changing for bed. Even though the best he could do in regards to cleaning was wiping the dishes dry after Alice had washed them, it was still better than nothing and made him feel somewhat more useful.
"It's beautiful, Selka. And it looks pretty expensive too. Where did you get it if you don't mind my asking?"
"A traveler who passing through town offered it as a donation in exchange for a room at the church for the night", the young nun answered. "I told him it wasn't necessary but he insisted that I take it. Since we have no need for such luxuries there, I figure I'd give it to you and Alice instead. She said the flower you found earlier today looks perfect with it though it doesn't look like any I've seen in the area; where exactly did you come by that flower if I may ask?"
"I'm not sure, exactly" Kirito confessed. "When Alice and I was about to leave the clearing of the Gigas Cedar, a breeze wafted through it and this flower suddenly appeared on the stump out of nowhere. Alice thought it might have fallen from one of the other trees but I felt almost like someone was offering it to me. Strange, huh?"
"Hmm… maybe someone was? Did you see anyone else there?" Selka asked curiously as Kirito handed the vase back to her before she finally placed it on his night table.
"No, I didn't" he confessed. "It could have fallen from one of the other trees like Alice said since there was no one else in the clearing but me and her. In any case, I was so fascinated by this flower that I just had to take it back with me like she suggested."
"Well, I'm glad you did. It's a very pretty flower and makes your room look a little brighter since you've got nothing but a bed and night table in here. Have you considered decorating your room a bit more?"
Kirito shook his head. "Its not really necessary, Selka. I was never much for extravagance, even after Eugeo and I got our own private dorms at the Centoria Swordcraft Academy. Though, I did indulge him a bit when he asked if we can have a couple of pictures for our walls."
Selka frowned slightly at the mention of Kirito's late friend. Even though she was never as close to Eugeo as he and Alice had been, Selka still missed him and knew Kirito did as well. And so, she offered a suggestion.
"Kirito, I was thinking, why don't you put a picture or two on your wall like the ones you had at your dorm at the academy? It might make you feel a bit closer to Eugeo, like he's still with you."
"I appreciate the suggestion, Selka. And I would if I can find such similar pictures again. Eugeo did like nature art, especially since he used to spend so much time in the forest. But for now, these two swords at my sides will do."
Selka found her eyes wandering to the swords in question. Her sister had mentioned that Kirito kept them at each of his sides in bed when he slept at night as well as taking them everywhere with him during the day.
"Are you sure its safe to keep them so close when you sleep, Kirito? I'd hate to see accidently cut yourself" Selka remarked, knowing full well that was impossible since Alice had magically locked the swords inside their sheaths to ensure that he couldn't make another suicide attempt with them. She just wanted to see how Kirito would answer.
"It's ok, Selka, really. I know it might sound strange but keeping these swords close makes me feel like Eugeo is still with me" he insisted.
"I see… I understand, Kirito. Its not my place to judge you or tell you what to do. Anyway, I don't want to keep you up so I'll be going now. I hope you enjoy the vase and flower. Good night, Kirito. And…"
"Yes?"
"I'm glad to see that you're feeling at least somewhat better again."
"I do. And thank you, Selka. For the pie and vase. Good night."
The young nun smiled as she opened the door and prepared to take her leave. "Good night, Kirito. Sleep well."
"You too."
SSSSSS
After Selka had left, Kirito pulled the black sword at his right side into his lap to stroke the sheathed blade for a few moments, a habit he developed over the last month when he finally became coherent again. *4* The name of his Sacred Weapon, the Night Sky sword, was Eugeo's parting gift to him and Kirito could not help smiling sadly at the irony of him no longer being able to wield it like he did before when it was still nameless. Still, Kirito treasured his and his late friend's Sacred Weapons just the same since they were pretty much all he had left to remind him of the young man who had been a brother to him in in all but blood as well as their friendship.
When he thought he had become drowsy enough, Kirito finally set his black sword aside and laid down before closing his eyes. The chrysanthemum flower on his night table gave off a pleasant scent that enabled Kirito to fall asleep a bit faster and easier than he normally would have been able to because he dreaded the nightmares or disturbing dreams that often visited him when he did.
Once the raven-haired youth was finally asleep, a gentle breeze came into his room through the slightly opened window and his blond guardian angel appeared before him once more.
"Kirito… I'm here" Eugeo said softly as he looked down at the sleeping form of his best friend who, to his relief, looked a bit better than when he last saw him. Eugeo knew he would only be able to stay for a brief time but was determined to make the most of it before having to leave again. Taking a seat at Kirito's bedside, Eugeo gently cupped the older boy's face with one hand using the power of his mind to make physical contact and smiled when he saw Kirito sigh in contentment and subconsciously move closer as if his touch was soothing and comforting to him.
"I'm so glad there are still some things I can do to make you feel better, my friend" the blond said gently. "I'm also happy that you liked the flower I gave you, even if you don't know where it came from. Although you can't see or hear me now, I was there with you in the forest clearing today and heard every word you said. And not only did I hear, I also understood them as clear as day. I do not blame you for the secrets you kept from me; I know you had your reasons. All I ever cared about was your friendship and that will never change so please stop blaming yourself for what happened to me. That was not your fault but mine entirely. And while you may have inspired me to become a swordsman, the decision was still entirely my own. My only regret was leaving you and everyone else I ever cared about behind. But if I had to do it all over again, I'd still rather fall in battle fighting by your side than stay in my village bound to my calling for the rest of my life, never knowing you or seeing Alice again."
Eugeo paused and gently brushed his thumb against Kirito's lips before continuing.
"I know you are going through a hard time now, Kirito. But I don't ever want to see you hurt yourself and will stop you as many times as it takes. No matter what happens, I want you to love and respect yourself again because it's the only way you will ever truly recover. I want to see you go back to the way you were when I first met you, to smile for yourself and for others like you did for me when I was alive. And I mean this with all my heart because you've been more of a brother to me than my real ones ever were. Even though you were a more experienced swordfighter than myself, you always respected and treated me as an equal. Not only that, you encouraged me, reminding me of my love for Alice whenever I struggled with anything. I treasured that so much that I chose my friendship with you just as much as Alice over the wishes of my family. And I would gladly do it over again with no regrets. So please, Kirito, try to move on and be happy. That's all I ask of you."
Eugeo paused again when he noticed that Kirito as well as the room around him was starting to fade, indicating that he didn't have much time left before he had to leave again. Leaning over, Eugeo gave his best friend a brotherly kiss on the cheek. Even though the older boy could not hear a word he had just said, Eugeo hoped that Kirito would at least feel them someway, somehow.
"I have to go now, Kirito. But I promise that I will always watch over you. Until the day we meet again. Farewell…"
After the Eugeo had vanished once more, Kirito stirred in his sleep, subconsciously placing his hand over the Blue Rose sword at his left side while whispering:
"Thank you, friend…"
Footnotes:
1. Because Eugeo had no grave, Kirito chose to put flowers on the stump of the Gigas Cedar as a substitute and because it was where they met after his second dive into the Underworld.
2. Unlike the other Integrity Knights, Alice's memories cannot be completely restored because Eugeo took her memory crystal with him when he died. But like the others, she can still vaguely recall familiar people and places from her childhood.
3. Mellifluous means sweet or pleasant to hear. Because Kirito cared deeply for Eugeo, he misses everything about him, including his laughter.
4. In my fic, Kirito keeps his sword on the right side of his bed when he sleeps and Eugeo's sword on his left to symbolize their opposing dominant hand.
