Chapter 3: We finally realized the true meaning behind happiness that we grew tired of and even took lightly
"I've stopped breathing in the face of all these endings without end…" Enigmatic Feeling by Ling Toiste Sigure.
The sound of his footsteps echoed within the Tower of Salvation. Having just returned from one of Mithos' tasks, he sauntered towards the warp portal at the top of the platform. At least, the thoughts of his own self-loathing distracted him from the creepily floating caskets. Having been out of Welgaia for the first time in about a month, he managed to check out Sybak and do a little bit of research on the Eternal Sword, but nothing really gave him any tips. He sighed. Even now that his family was away from Desians, he still felt nervous being away from them for any extended period of time, especially when Yggdrasill was so close.
They didn't have to run anymore but they weren't completely safe either. While Anna underwent the process of becoming a Cruxis Angel, Kratos had to keep an eye on Lloyd. Luckily, Mithos didn't demand him to be away very much or for very long. He figured the angel lord was just pleased to have him within a reachable distance now, as opposed to when they were on the run. Yuan was shocked, and possibly a little bit angry, that Kratos had even went along with the whole agreement, but offered his assistance in watching Lloyd when Kratos had to be gone. The swordsman punched a nearby pillar before teleporting back to Welgaia.
It was frustrating. He hated himself for being helpless in getting his family away from Cruxis. In the end, he realized, all he ever did was run away. In ancient times, he was unable to stop the war from happening, he couldn't save Martel, he couldn't stop Mithos, he couldn't help Yuan, and he was already proving that he was helpless in aiding his own family. What was even the point of his endless existence?
He heard crying in the distance. It was coming from… their house? He walked a bit faster, worry replacing his self-hatred with every step. As he approached the entrance to the current Aurion home, the crying grew louder and more frantic. He opened the door and walked in through the entrance to see a flustered Yuan trying to calm a little panicking Lloyd who was having a minor tantrum. Yuan was relieved once he noticed Kratos enter the room.
"Thank goodness! He's been like this for over thirty minutes and nothing's calmed him and he was so loud I couldn't even hear when you got back!" Kratos smirked at him and went to pick Lloyd up. The boy's crying tuned down to moans and sniffles. Yuan shook his head. "Well. If you had any doubts about it, I can guarantee you that he at least likes you." The auburn haired man raised his eyebrows at his friend who merely smirked back in amusement. Shortly after, he wore a serious expression. "How's uh… you know who?" Kratos sighed.
"She's… alright. She's having a little difficulty adjusting but, it seems like she'll be able to stay with us again in a few days." Lloyd tilted his head at this.
"Mommy be back in few days?" Kratos couldn't help but smile warmly at his boy's response. He ran his fingers through the boy's hair. Yuan stood up to leave.
"I'll leave you to comforting your son, Kratos. Good luck." He gave a small wave before leaving. Kratos gave the half-elf a nod then returned his focus to his son.
"Yeah. Mom will be back soon. Is that why you were crying?" The child looked down sheepishly and nodded.
"Daddy wasn't here… Not seen Mommy in long time and… Daddy looks sad sometimes. I feel sad sometimes. Today, I felt sad, because… I think Daddy misses Mommy too." Kratos stared at his son as a revelation washed over him. Lloyd…, he thought as pride warmed his heart. Lloyd looked up again, but this time he seemed to be really determined about something. He reached over his father's head and pat his hair as gently as he could. "We will be okay, Daddy." Almost as if he was embarrassed by what he'd done, he quickly put his hands down and looked away. Kratos teared up so quickly that he pulled Lloyd in for a hug to avoid the boy seeing him cry.
"I know, Lloyden. We'll be fine. I love you…" his voice was barely a whisper. He wasn't even sure if the little boy heard him speak.
This was why he had to be here. He had to be here for Lloyd. He had to be here for Anna and he had to be here to follow through with his atonement. He would find a way to make up for what he'd done before and he had to guarantee his family's happiness. Anna was doing her part. It was only fair he did his. He wiped away the tears and faced his son again with a warm smile.
"Do you want to watch the stars again tonight?" Lloyd nodded happily.
"Yes, yes!"
Several days later, Anna was stretching and feeling her body out in the recuperation lab as Kratos walked in. She smiled vivaciously at him and even did a little twirl to show off her new Cruxis outfit. It was similar to his own, but with a few less belts and with more color. It was a mix of green and blue. She held a pose and winked at him.
"So, Mr. Aurion, sir? What do you think? Do I not look ready to lead the troops?" Kratos sighed and shook his head in amusement.
"I am unsure of what troops you speak of, Mrs. Aurion," he answered her, playing along with her little game. She giggled and gave him a kiss on his nose.
"Come on! You still haven't told me how I look yet!" Kratos rubbed her head like he always did when he felt she was being silly.
"You look great. How are your senses?" She tilted her head, testing out each side.
"Still a little bit sensitive, but not too bad." It was worse while I was going through the transformation, she thought to herself. However, she wouldn't dare let Kratos hear the words leave her mouth. He was taking the return to Cruxis worse than she'd thought.
It was always his eyes. His eyes betrayed his thoughts quite easily. At least, they did when he was around her. Lately, all she could see was worry, sadness and anger. Guilt clawed its way through her soul, as it had been the past couple of weeks. She was the one who instigated the deal with Mithos. Noticing the sad look in her eyes, Kratos gazed at her.
"Something wrong?" She looked away, clenching her hands into fists.
"I-I've messed this up, haven't I?" It was a strange feeling. Grief overtook her in that moment, feeling as though she had failed herself and her family, yet she couldn't cry. She ground her teeth together in frustration, but the tears did not come. Kratos hugged her tightly. She half-heartedly attempted to push herself away, but he held her against him.
"I can't say if we've made the right choice or not. But, while I hate to admit it, there were not many choices to choose from at the time. All we can do is continue to live for the sake of our family… for Lloyd." She relaxed a bit and sighed. If there had been any other choice, what would it have been? She dismissed the thought as quickly as it had come to her. Instead, she decided that the only thing she could was focus on the positives. We're not running for our lives anymore. That's a good thing.
"You're right, Kratos. We'll just have to make do as best as we can." She stepped back from him and pinched his nose teasingly with grin. "For better or for worse, right? Now, where's my little boy? I haven't seen the little munchkin in over a month!" The swordsman chuckled, taking her arm in his and leading her towards their home.
Yuan eyed the sleeping boy suspiciously. He had been reading, but ever since Lloyd had suddenly fallen over in the middle of drawing, the book had been pushed to the side mentally as the half-elf ran through all the possible reasons for this occurrence. Still being a toddler, he was susceptible to illness but he'd already been in Welgaia for over a month. The other possibility was that the child just wasn't handling the sudden increase in mana very well. Compared to on Sylvarant, where the mana levels were consistently low at this time, and considering humans tended to have low mana levels themselves to begin with, Welgaia was overflowing with mana. It was possible that simply being near himself, Kratos and Yggdrasill for an extended period of time was possible to cause a sudden rise, farless being surrounded by the Cruxis angels that inhabited the place. But mana induced illnesses were considered to be extremely rare. If that was the case… He was pulled out of his thoughts as the door opened. Anna ran to the bed where Lloyd slept.
"Wow, Yuan! I'm surprised. Kratos had told me that he'd been having trouble sleeping since we got here. How'd you get him to take a nap?" Still watching her child, she missed the look that Yuan gave Kratos, who raised his eyebrows at his friend.
"To be fair, I didn't really do anything." Yuan closed his book quietly and stood to leave. Eyeing Kratos, he pointed to the door. The swordsman nodded.
"Anna, I'll just see Yuan off. I'll be back in a few minutes." The woman didn't look away from her son but waved at the half-elf.
"Thank you for watching him!"
"Not a problem… Good luck." With that, the two of them stepped out, and wandered into one of the nearby rooms. Yuan tapped his fingers on the edges of his book.
"Kratos. Are you sure you and Anna know what you're doing?" Kratos crossed his arms.
"What makes you ask that?" Yuan ignored the question.
"I don't know if you've noticed anything different about Lloyd. In case you haven't, I'd suggest being careful around areas that have significantly higher mana levels, though you might find that a little bit difficult here." Kratos looked thoughtful for a moment.
"Hm. Since we got here, he hasn't been as active. However, I believed that it was simply because of the sudden change in his environment. We aren't travelling or living outside anymore."
"You might be half right at least. He was drawing like he normally was until I realized he had stopped. When I checked on him, he appeared to be sleeping." The half-elf shrugged. "It could easily be something he'll grow out of or it'll improve now that Anna's back. However, if it is what I believe it might be, you might want to take precautions."
"And what do you believe it might be?" Kratos asked cautiously, worry nipping at his thoughts. Yuan took his time responding, considering if he should even mention it.
"Remember, that we've been angels for quite a long while. We had long believed that having children was simply impossible. Clearly, it's not." He turned away. "There's something I want to look into first. We should wait to see if the symptoms get any worse. The chances are still incredibly low and thus, it may not even be worth worrying about. That's all I'll say about it for now."
Over the course of the next few months, the family remained in Welgaia. Kratos occasionally left for a few hours to fetch supplies for Lloyd, but other than that, the three of them spent their time together. Once every month since the first case, it seemed that their son would catch something. Whatever it was, they never knew, but it always resulted in strong but quick fading fever, sweats and intense fatigue. During these episodes, Lloyd simply slept, rarely waking until the symptoms faded. They never seemed to last longer than 48 hours, but they were 48 hours of hell. Both he and Anna would wait and watch, providing comfort whenever they could to the poor child. They wouldn't sleep, or rest, not that they really needed to. The parents were constantly on their toes or on the edge of their seats with a look of dread and worry on their faces.
However, once those hours passed, Lloyd would awaken seeming as though the illness had never happened. Color would return to his childish cheeks and he'd be full of energy again, waiting on stories, games and other activities he enjoyed with his parents. It didn't take long for them to fall into their own routine, where Anna and Lloyd remained in Welgaia – remained isolated from the world they knew.
Some days Anna felt like she was stuck in a closed space. She was able to wander about Welgaia on occasion, but she never dared travel far in the event she accidentally ran into Yggdrasil, worried that he'd suddenly change his mind and decide she and her son were better off dead after all. Other days, she just simply felt bored. She wanted to see the stars, take a breath of fresh air, roll around in a bed of flowers, and enjoy the world she loved so much. She wanted Lloyd to experience it again too. Not to mention that she missed Noishe, who had just simply refused to follow them up to Welgaia.
One day, her boredom found a voice.
"Doesn't it seem kind of … I don't know. It feels like life is at a standstill. Almost stagnant." She sighed and shook her head, staring at the dishes she was just washing. "It just feels like we haven't made any progress at all. Although, I know it's only been a few months…"
Kratos watched her thoughtfully from his seat in their kitchen as she stood over the sink. At first, her feeling of boredom bothered him. They currently had everything they had wished for: a life without constant running, somewhere to live in peace and quiet, and nearly guaranteed safety for their son. As long as they maintained their side of the bargain, Yggdrasill would maintain his distance, resulting in no harm coming to either his wife or son. However, he also understood why she would feel that way. At this rate, she wouldn't be able to the see the world she grew up in for a long while. While Yggdrasill had seemed to imply that he'd have tasks for her at some point, thus far, she hadn't received any.
"Daddy!" Lloyd ran up to him, happily waving a small book in his hand. The boy placed it on his father's lap and gave him a pleading look. "Pwease, help read?" The swordsman couldn't help but smile down at his son, ruffling the boy's hair in adoration. He placed the book on the table, and lifted his son onto his lap. Holding the boy with one arm, and opening the book with the other, Lloyd leaned in so that he could see the words.
"Alright, Lloyd. I'll point to the words one by one and read them out loud, as usual. Then, you'll have to repeat the words I say before I read the next one. Does that sound fair?" Lloyd nodded enthusiastically.
"Yes!" he cheered, clapping his little hands. Anna turned to watch them, smiling at her two boys. She finished off the dishes and cleaned up while Kratos continued to help Lloyd with reading.
It was moments like these that made her enjoy their current way of life. The boredom melted away simply at the sound of Lloyd's cheerful giggling, and Kratos' warm smile in response. Though he had been reluctant at first, and had told her that he wasn't sure if he could be a good parent, he was the image of fatherhood. He had provided things in ways that she never thought they'd be able to experience. When he watched their son, she could tell that it filled him with a peace he hadn't felt in a long time. He loved that boy like nothing else he had ever known.
Once they were done their reading session, Lloyd ran off to fetch something else. Kratos closed the book and left it on the table. Anna eyed it for a moment as a thought occurred to her.
"Kratos," she spoke quietly as her thoughts began to piece together the possibilities. "Does Welgaia have a library? If so, do you think I'd be able to enter it?" Kratos thought for a moment.
There were several places and rooms that remained guarded by lifeless angels who had been given orders to refuse entry to anyone who wasn't of Seraphim or Cardinal status. While Anna technically remained at a status above that of Cardinals, she would still be denied entry on her own. Be that as it may, he didn't recall the library being protected.
"There is one. I believe you might be able to, but it's probably best if we go together to check." Anna was ecstatic.
"Great! Can we check it out now? We can bring Lloyd with us! I'm sure a short walk just outside this place would be nice for him." As Kratos nodded, Anna ran off to fetch their son. Once she was comfortable carrying him, they headed out of their home and walked together towards the library.
As Kratos had suspected, while the doors were closed, the place was unguarded. Anna would be free to come and go to this place as much as she liked, for the time being. Upon entering, there were several shelves filled with ancient books. Many of them were old books that depicted the true history of the once combined world, Aselia. They spoke of the Kharlan War and many other things that related to the races. There were also research manuals on exspheres and angelic beings. Handing a tired looking Lloyd off to Kratos, Anna wandered about the place with a look of wonder. It had been a long time since she had dug into a book, and she was quite eager to return to that habit. She paused, noticing a wooden table in the middle of the room, surrounded by shelves. Her curiosity ate at her wonder as she noticed an open book lying on it. Kratos tapped her on the shoulder, his eyes filled with worry.
"I think Lloyd's having another episode. He suddenly fell asleep and his head is warm. I'm going to bring him home and keep an eye on him. Will you be alright getting back?" Anna nodded.
"I should be alright. I just want to look around for a few minutes." With that, Kratos left Anna to her devices. Her first thought went immediately to the open book on the table. Without changing the page, she sat down and began to read. Sadly, most of it made little sense to her. She sighed, pushing it away.
"'Mana sickness', 'Invasion of the elves'… I can't understand this at all. But, maybe some other books in this place could help me understand…" She got up from the table and began searching through other books that littered the shelves. Unbeknownst to her, a blue haired half-elf watched her from across the room before quietly making his exit.
Next:
Chapter 4: It's not like we weren't fulfilled, we were just trying to regain it once more
"In other words, we need to find a way to rebalance his mana. Otherwise, it seems that these episodes will only continue to worsen."
A/N's: I just love little Lloyd. In case you're wondering about when the title of the fic will actually be relevant to the story... It should be clearer in the coming chapters! Thanks for reading! Let me know if you liked it! Please review. I'll be back with another chapter shortly.
