Shatter Me
Chapter 3
When we walk into the fair, everything is already buzzing with activity. Little kids are swirling through the crowd and their parents are scattered in small clusters, watching their children and laughing softly among themselves. Middle schoolers are peppered into the mob as well, huddling in circles on the lines for rides, food and games. People from my class are here, too, but they're not doing much. I've always found it odd how teenagers spend so much time doing absolutely nothing with all of their friends. I mean, they payed to get in here, to ride the rides and play the games. But they're not doing any of those things; they're just talking amongst their little groups.
Clyde walks over to Stan and Kyle, smacking Stan square between the shoulders. Stan whacks Clyde's arm, the both of them smirking widely before they bump fists. A small pang of envy shoots through my chest; sometimes, when i see things like that, i wish i had the courage to join a team and make friends.
I look at my feet as i trail behind Craig's group after Clyde returns, wringing my hands as i drift in and out of listening to their conversation. Right now, they're talking about which ride we should go on. Saying nothing, i shove my hands into my pockets to keep myself from picking at them. I know they're not trying to leave me out. It just happens. People just tend to forget me, it happens all the time. I'm used to it.
"I want to go on the Free Fall," Clyde says excitedly, directing everyone's attention to the ride. It's this huge metal tower that lifts you into the air then drops you when you reach the top. Yeah, right. Like i'd go anywhere near that thing. You can see it over the top of everything, including all of the trees and some parts of the mountains.
"Fuck no," Craig says, his eyebrows furrowing. "You throw up on that ride. Why the hell would you want to ride it?" A small spark of a strange emotion flickers across Clyde's expression, but it's gone in a moment. He shrugs, giving Craig an easy smile.
"What can i say? I love it." He says, making Craig roll his eyes and scoff.
"That's twisted."
Maybe if i just stop walking, they won't notice i'm gone and i can go home.
"What ride do you want to go on, Tweek?" Token asks, turning to me and cutting off his friends. My eyes jerk up to meet his, my face draining of color. I wasn't really expecting anyone to want my input on something like this. Suddenly, i feel like everyone's eyes are on me.
"I-I'm not sure," I start meekly, glancing around quickly. Fuck, find something! Just say anything! "I-I like the F-Free Fall, too." What?
I can tell that everyone else is just as surprised as i am by this new development. Craig seems the most confused. I attempt to console myself by finding an excuse in my own mind. Maybe i was just trying to get off Clyde's bad side by agreeing with him; why i thought this was the correct time and place to go about it, i will never know.
"Um.. Okay then." Craig starts quietly, nodding towards the line to the ride. His eyes slide over me curiously, his gaze heavy. Oh shit, i think i'm going to crap my pants. "Let's get on line."
Mother fucking fuck. Goddammit... Now i have to get on line and ride the ride. All because of my big fucking mouth.
"Why is it suddenly okay to go on when Tweek wants to?" Clyde mutters, glaring at me as he walks past. I can't freaking win with this guy. And the worst part is that i can understand why everyone likes him. Even I want to like him. He's like a puppy; always excited and energetic. But if he doesn't like you, he can bite pretty hard. I shrink back into the fabric of my sweatshirt as Token rolls his eyes, shoving Clyde into line.
"Would you stop being so dramatic? It's very off-putting, and we have a guest with us this evening." He says smoothly, folding his arms over his chest. I give him an appreciative smile and he shrugs, waving his hand. Craig stands beside me, slight hints of embarrassment showing through his stony demeanor.
"W-Why do you l-look like that?" I whisper, leaning down a bit. I feel like i'm being embarrassing all of a sudden. And this time it makes me upset, because i'm not embarrassing myself. I'm embarrassing him. Craig glances up at me, an eyebrow quirking slightly.
"Look like what?" He whispers back, taking a step closer to me so he can hear me.
"Y-You look e-embarrassed,"
"When did you get so tall?" He whispers back, his expression falling back to its default as he shifts away slightly. I roll my eyes, nudging him. He tends to do this a lot, now that i realize it. When Craig doesn't want to answer a question, he just changes the subject.
"C-C'mon, man. J-Just answer me. It's not like it would hurt you or something." I say, tilting my head at him as we move up in line. Craig sighs, rolling his eyes and dragging his hand down his face.
"I am embarrassed." He confesses under his breath, his voice hushed. Again, i feel a pang or guilt run through my veins. "Clyde is being a dick to you, and i don't know why." Thank god. For once in my life, i'm not the one that someone's ashamed of.
"He doesn't w-want me here." At the sound of my voice, Craig looks up at me, complete confusion drawn over his face.
"Why?"
"Well, I-I'm not exactly a-at the top of the s-social latter, Craig." I mumble, shrugging and rubbing my arm. "H-He doesn't know me, a-and i seem pretty s-strange to everyone. It's not a b-big deal, e-everyone thinks that about me."
"You aren't strange to me." Craig says firmly, shaking his head. He takes a deep breath, clearly deep in thought before he turns to me. "Okay. I have an idea that you might like. It involves getting the fuck out of here." I smile slightly, nodding.
"Okay. B-But i don't really t-think that your friends will b-be very happy a-about you leaving."
"No. We wouldn't like you to leave." Clyde says, interjecting. I bite the corner of my lip and avert my eyes.
"Stop being so dramatic, Clyde, fuck. What is with you tonight? I almost always leave the fair early." Craig mumbles, rolling his eyes and folding his arms over his chest. Clyde scoffs, sinking into one hip.
"Yeah, but it's different now, you fuckface. And if you don't know why, just think for a moment; what is the only thing different about this year, hm?" Clyde spits through his teeth, glaring at me. It feels like my chest is going to collapse in on itself and i'm breaking out into a sweat, my throat going dry.
"Next in line please," The ride operator says gruffly, raising an eyebrow at us. Before i can do anything, Craig grabs me by the elbow and drags me past Clyde and Token, tossing me into one of the seats on the ride.
"Hey!" I shout at him, rubbing my arm where he had grabbed it. "I-I can walk, asshole!"
"See," Craig mumbles as he fastens his seatbelt and pulls down the brace. "You don't stutter as much when you're angry." I look down, my face bright red. As he's speaking, Clyde takes the seat beside Craig and Token slides in next to Clyde, a tiny grin on his face. I notice how everyone else's feet aren't touching the ground, how they're all hovering a good couple of inches off the metal platform. Glancing over at my own legs, i see that my Converse are firmly planted on the platform. I never really noticed how much taller i am than all of them. The ride operator quickly checks that everyone's harnesses are in place before returning the controls, activating the voice over that relays the instructions.
"Oh man, i'm so pumped!" Clyde says, bouncing in his seat. I take a deep breath, swallowing thickly when i watch the operator press a button that starts the ride. The thing lurches and creaks and we're slowly moving off the ground, watching as the fairgoers shrink below us. Oh jesus christ it's already so freaking high...
"Are you okay?" Craig asks softly, snapping me out of my thoughts. I force air into my lungs, shaking my head as i stare at the receding ground below me. "Here." He fits his hand in mine, giving my thin fingers a gentle squeeze.
"W-What the fuck a-are you d-doing?" I ask, staring at his hand.
"Just relax, alright? And close your eyes. That's what i do whenever Clyde gets me on this ride. It'll be over before you know it."
As Craig is speaking, the ride lifts us higher and higher. I'm rising over all the trees and the houses. I feel my heart pounding in my chest as we climb higher and higher, and i feel trapped. Every second I'm up here, I think it can't possibly get any higher, but every second I'm proven wrong. The only way is down...
I can't get myself down.
Just as i'm about to respond to him, i hear a low click and suddenly i'm falling through the air so fast that the seat isn't touching my ass anymore. A scream rips through my throat and before i know it we're on the ground again, my hands shivering and my throat sore. I force a deep breath of air into my lungs, my eyes wide as the brace lifts up over my head. Yanking my hand out of Craig's, i stumble down the steps and bend over the railing, puking my guts up into a nearby trash can.
"Ugh, sick dude.." Clyde mumbles as he passes behind me. My whole world is spinning and my knees are week, not to mention the fact that my lower intestines might still be on the fucking ride.
"Tweek?" Craig calls my name softly, keeping his distance as i catch my breath.
"Fuck off," I mumble, wiping the film of sweat off my forehead.
"What do you want to go on now?" Clyde asks, his bright smile taking up his whole face.
"Would you give him a minute, Clyde?" Token says firmly, his voice far away.
"He wouldn't need a minute if he wasn't such a pussy.." Clyde mutters under his breath. I pull air into my lungs, shaking my head as i stand up. I still feel a little nauseous, but much better than i did a few moments ago. The only thought i can hang onto is the fact that i don't want to be here any more, no matter what Craig threatens to do to me or how much i want him to like me.
"I-I'm just going to g-go," I say, jabbing my thumb over my shoulder. Before Craig can stop me, i turn on my heel and shove past the other people getting off the ride. I can hear him calling after me, but i ignore it completely, swallowing the lump that's welling in my throat as i move. I can't believe i let myself go through that. I must be fucking brain dead!
Wrapping my arms around myself, i speed walk out of the carnival and down the sidewalk in record time, wanting to get as far away from it as i can. The last fucking thing i need right now is Craig running after me or something.
No matter how much i may want him to.
Fine, I admit it. I admit it! I want him to follow me. I don't know why i want him to, but i do. I want to get to know him. He's nice to me, and he doesn't think i'm strange. I have no fucking clue how he came to the conclusion that i'm not, but he did. Somehow. And i like that about him. I really, really like the fact that at least one fucking person in this town doesn't think i'm going to lock myself in my house and become the crazy person of the neighborhood. I love the thought of having someone to hang out with and go to the movies with and study with. It all seems... nice. Happy. Not completely and utterly lonely all the time.
And i literally just ran away from the only person who's ever given me the benefit of the doubt.
Groaning, i rip my glasses off and dig the heels of my hands into my eyes, leaning against a fence that runs along the sidewalk. God, i hate everyone. Now i know why i ditched Stan and those guys. Clyde is exactly like them, and it's exhausting. He's very protective of Craig. And i understand being wary of me, as many people are. But for reasons unbeknownst to me, he absolutely hates me. He wants nothing to do with me in the least, unwilling to even give me a little chance.
I don't want to think about this anymore. I just want to go home and curl up under my comforter with a movie to occupy my attention. Sighing, i slide my glasses back over my eyes and shove my hands into my pockets, walking the rest of the way home without another thought.
After I got home, i jumped into a quick shower (because there was no fucking way i was going to go into my nice clean room and lounge in my nice clean bed after being surrounded by that many people. That's nasty.) and browsed my extensive collection of DVDs. Then i got into some fresh pajamas, put up a wash so i'd have clean clothes in the morning and settled into my bed. I settled on an animated movie that i've seen already, as the last thing i need tonight is more excitement.
Too bad nothing ever works out in my favor.
About an hour into the movie, i hear a knock at the door downstairs. Since it's Friday, i knew that my mother had probably gone out and no one was downstairs to answer the door. I drag my lazy ass out of bed and down the stairs, only to find Craig waiting on my front stoop with his hands shoved deep into his pockets.
"Hi," He says when he meets my confused gaze. "You left."
"Y-Yeah, i left." I mumble, rubbing my arm. "I-I puked up my o-own stomach and g-got belittled by s-someone who barely even knows m-me, yet hates my g-guts. I-I thought it'd b-be appropriate to leave." Craig rolls his eyes at me.
"Clyde doesn't hate you."
"I-I find that hard to believe." Honestly, how could he not believe that Clyde doesn't at least dislike me. It's plain to see. And, right now, i don't feel like negotiating with him about it. "W-Why the fuck are you e-even here?"
"Just hear me out, okay?" Craig mutters, giving me a frustrated look. I sigh and nod for him to continue, folding my arms over my chest. "You left before the fireworks."
"O-Okay..?" I'm not going back there just to see some stupid fireworks, no matter how cool they are.
"I have a way for you to watch them. With me. Alone." Craig says, tilting his head at me. I raise an eyebrow and he rolls his eyes again. "It doesn't involve going back to the fair or anywhere near it, okay asshole?" Oh.
"Then w-what does it involve?" I ask quietly, more willing to listen to him.
"Just come with me and you'll find out."
"No." I say firmly, shaking my head. I move to shut the door, as i have no intentions of listening to Craig anymore, but he plants a hand on the doorframe and moves closer to me in protest.
"Why not?" He demands, leaning in a bit. I stiffen up, taking a step backwards.
"B-Because i d-don't want to have t-to guess about w-where i'm going. I-I'm done with t-that shit, man," I force the words out of my throat, my mouth dry and my eyes wide.
"Fine." Craig says, sighing. "I'm taking you to my house to watch the fireworks. There's an easy way to get onto the roof from my room, and since no one else is home right now, it'll be pretty quiet. It's my favorite place to go to be alone. That's all."
That actually does sound pretty nice. And it might let me get to know Craig a bit better. He's letting me into one of his favorite places, somewhere that no one else probably goes. I feel a light blush dust over my cheeks and i nod, pulling a deep breath of air into my lungs.
"Okay. J-Just.. Let me get s-some shoes on, o-okay? You c-can come in i-if you want." As i move away, Craig steps inside and closes the door behind him, standing awkwardly in the foyer. I jog upstairs quick to grab some socks out of my drawer before i sit down on the stairs to slide into my sneakers.
"Are you here alone?" Craig asks, his eyes wandering around my living room. It's pretty boring, to be honest; beige walls with a few pictures hung on them, a dark brown couch with a matching armchair, and a tv set on a wooden stand that matches the round coffee table in the middle of the room. It's all sparkling clean, though. That little tick of mine was passed to me through my mother.
"Yeah." I answer quietly, tying my sneakers at my ankles. I feel Craig's gaze shift to me.
"Where's your mom?"
"I-I'm not really s-sure, actually."
"And your dad?"
"He d-doesn't live here." I say quietly, shrugging as i stand up and brush off my pants. I can see the question in Craig's eyes before it even leaves his lips. "My p-parents got divorced when i-i was eleven. My d-dad lives across town, i-in the apartment complex n-next to Whistlin' Willie's. I g-go there on w-weekends sometimes."
"Oh." Craig murmurs quietly, looking down. "I'm sorry.."
"I-It's not really a b-big deal." I mutter, feeling awkwardness settle over the room. It really isn't. My parents were definitely not good for each other while they were married, but they're friends now. It wasn't some cataclysmic event that tore my life apart or something. They don't fight or argue over me or anything, not anymore. It was all really easy. It made it better for all of us, in the end. "L-Let's just go." I mutter, rubbing the back of my neck and pushing him out of the house.
"Hey!" Craig mutters in a mocking tone. "I-I can walk myself, asshole!"
"You're a-a dick," I roll my eyes at him a he smirks, folding my arms over my chest.
"That was a pretty good impression, you have to admit," He says, his smirk growing when he sees how irritated i am. He laughs loudly, the sound ringing through my ears. I've never heard him laugh like that; it's so incredibly unique, yet so Craig. I couldn't imagine anyone else making that sort of sound. It makes me want to laugh as well, and i do after a moment.
"I-I guess it wasn't awful," I confess softly, sighing in defeat.
A few minutes of idle chatting gets us to Craig's house, which i just now realize is only a few blocks from mine. I never really noticed how small this town actually is. His house is also right in front of Stark's pond, which must be a little annoying if you're trying to sleep and the fair is still active. He leads me through his house to his room, swinging the door open. His ceiling is painted a deep blue color, and the walls look like a bunch of different galaxies. That's only the first thing that catches my eye. The entire room is space themed, with constellations on the windows, different space memorabilia and a NASA bedspread.
"W-Wow.. Who p-painted this..?" I ask softly in awe, my eyes moving over the amazing artwork above me. I glance over at Craig, who seems kind of embarrassed.
"I did." He says softly, shrugging as he runs his fingers over the door. He strides over to the window on the other side of the room, forcing it open and waving me over. I decide not to push anything about the artwork, as he already seems pretty sheepish about it.
Chewing on my lip gently, i walk over to him, peering out of the window to the fairly small ledge below me. "I-I'm not climbing out o-onto that! I'll b-break my n-neck!"
"You won't break anything. I promise. I've been out there a thousand times and nothing happened to me." He mumbles, shoving me lightly with his elbow. I glare at him. "Just go."
I pull a deep breath into my lungs, climbing out onto the small space of roof. Craig climbs out after me, leading me over to a wider patch of roof adjacent to the window. Just as we're about to sit down, the test shot is fired and i jump, throwing my arms around Craig.
"GAH- fuck," I yell, smacking a hand over my mouth and pulling away. "Sorry." Craig shakes his head, keeping his eyes down.
"Let's just watch the fireworks." He says softly as he sits down, his cheeks a light shade of red. I never noticed how easy it is to make him blush. I take a seat beside him, folding my long legs under one another and leaning forward on my elbows.
"D-Do you l-like fireworks?" I ask quietly, glancing over at Craig. I find him staring at me, and his cheeks flush a deeper shade of red. At this point, mine are a matching color.
"Yeah, i guess so." Craig says, looking down at his sneakers as he rubs the back of his neck.
"W-Why do you keep l-looking at m-me like that?" This certainly isn't the first time i've caught him ogling me, and it's a little unsettling. A strange look comes over Craig's face and he takes a deep breath, his chest expanding with the effort.
"Because i have no other way to tell you that i like being around you." He says, his voice hushed. "I don't know why, but since the party last night i've wanted to be around you. And in the coffee shop today... I sound like some sort of stalker-" He's rambling; he's nervous.
As if on impulse, i tilt my head a little bit and press my lips gently to his. I can feel his surprise by the way he stiffens up, but he presses back in a few seconds. His hand moves up to cup my jaw and i lean closer to him, resting one hand on his hip.
Okay, i want to get a few things straight. I have been kissed before. I've kissed Bebe; we were both twelve and i was completely confused about my sexuality, but it was a kiss nonetheless. I've kissed Thomas Stone; he was a lot of firsts for me, and we dated for over a year before he moved away with his mother. I've kissed Kenny McCormick; we were both drunk as shit on Halloween one year and we ended up fucking on Stan's bed. (We still do sometimes, but that's beside the point)
But i've never been kissed like this.
Now, there are no sparks. There is no fiery passion or anything ridiculous like that. Maybe there should be, but i like what i actually feel much better than any of those put together. I feel a certain kind of warmth, and it's spreading through my chest. I can feel it in my fingertips and my toes and the top of my head. It feels like i'm coming home and collapsing into my bed after a long trip. It feels like i'm sitting in my favorite chair on a rainy day, watching my favorite tv show. It feels like i just came in after shoveling the snow out of my driveway, kicking the snow off my boots and wrapping myself in a soft blanket.
It feels comfortable, yet completely new at the same time.
All of a sudden, the fireworks start and we both jump, turning to face them with wide eyes.
