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It happened again today.
I was in my room.
The house was quiet.
Deadly quiet.
I was not alone.
Father washere somewhere.
I waited.
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His drunken self would show itself.
Usually it already had.
I waited.
I heard the door click open.
I thought I locked it.
Then I remembered.
My room has no lock.
It's times like these you wish you'd have run away.
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He looked at me.
His mouth set in a grim line.
Where is my black book?
His voice was laced with malice.
How would I know?
I couldn't help but sass him.
It's not yours!
No shit sherlock.
Well, it was the truth.
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I never noticed the bottle in his hands.
Untill of course he threw it.
So hard there was a hole in the wall.
No more then five inches, from my head.
Usually he has perfect aim.
I am the luckiest girl in the world.
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I will admit, I screamed.
The bottle didn't shatter, thank god.
The shards would've scarred me, surely?
Give me my goddamn book!
His words rang in my ears.
It's not my fault you lost it!
I wanted him to hurt me.
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For later he would find the book.
He would be guilty.
He would be splurge on me for awhile.
So I urged him on.
He raised his hand.
No, not to ask a question.
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You know I can kill you, Maria!
He said this to my mother as well.
You know i've done it before.
I stayed silent.
I never broke my gaze.
Where is it?
I said nothing.
I held my tears back defiantly.
He never believes me.
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In a flash he slammed my head into the window behind me.
My eyes watered.
I attempted not to whimper.
It would only egg him on.
I only wanted him to hit me.
Not kill me.
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He froze then.
His eyes seemed to clear.
As if he saw me for the first time.
He was feeling guilt.
I'm so sorry.
He spoke softly.
I barely heard him.
I didn't care.
-
This was a game to him.
It would never end.
Before he came to his senses I shoved past him.
I had managed to reach the foot of the stairs.
When he came after me.
I had to make it down the stairs
He shoved me down them once.
They never looked quite the same.
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I felt his grip.
It tightened on my shirt.
He tugged.
We both fell.
It was only five stairs down.
That was just enough.
I bolted out the door.
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The air bit me.
It whispered to me.
It was telling me to run.
It was screaming.
Calling to me.
telling me to hurry.
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But, I wouldn't.
I would not show fear.
I've been practicing this no fear thing.
It get easier, does it not?
I walked quickly.
Slapping at the cold.
Not that it would have doe anything.
I heard him call after me.
You are beneath me, you bitch!
I called back.
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I was to far for him to attack me.
Then why do you lower yourself to touch me?
To even talk to me?
I turned.
His figure was in the door.
He said nothing.
I don't want you back!
He shouted finally.
He slammed the door.
I swear, the whole block heard.
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He'd been lieng.
He always takes me back.
Always.
Now?
Now I go to Allie's.
I always go to Allie's.
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I admit I was, I am,scared.
I fear for my life constantly.
Yet, I no longer care.
I no longer care what he does to me.
It doesn't matter anymore.
-
I step up to Allie's porch.
It's dark inside.
I'll be waking her up.
But, I have nowhere else to go.
-
The cold nips at me again.
It warns me.
Of what?
I do not know.
I reach for the doorbell.
The sound echos throughout the silent house.
I waited.
Nothing.
I feel as if I am standing at the gate of doom.
I don't know why.
So I retreat.
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I decide to go to the supermarket.
I'll loiter.
It's not like they care.
It's the only place open this late.
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Allie.
Why is she always out nowadays?
She never tells me where she goes.
Or what she does.
I feel as if we are drifting.
On two different islands.
Away from one another.
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It scares me.
I need someone to trust.
I need someone to understand.
I need Alan.
But he doesn't want me.
So I must find someone else.
I don't think I ever will.
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The market looms in front of me.
Really.
It's directly in front of me.
I step towards the light.
It glistens.
It beckons.
Unlike the darkness of Allies house.
Which shunned me, this place welcomes me.
I drag my feet inside.
The place is loud.
There are tons of people here.
Nowhere to go either, I assume.
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I breathe out heavily.
I breathe in lightly.
I wonder if I will hyperventilate.
-
Iwandered about.
Ignoring the shadows.
They were menacing.
Threatning to swallow me whole.
Leaving me somewhere cold.
This place is cold enough as it is.
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A figure approached me.
No, there was more then one.
Two?
Three?
Four?
Yes, four.
-
I knew these people.
One, I knew very well.
Or did, anyway.
Magnet.
Zigzag.
X-ray.
Squid.
I blinked.
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All either of us ever wanted was someone who cares.
He got his people.
So, what about me?
What about me?
