A/N: I hope everyone had a nice weekend and enjoyed Easter or Passover, if you celebrate! Thanks so much for the kind feedback on the last chapter and this story so far. I really appreciate it. Here's the next chapter; I hope you like it. And as always, thanks so much for reading and reviewing.
"Wow," Vivian breathes when Addison finishes telling her the story of how she and Derek ended up in Seattle.
"I know," Addison sighs. "I'm Satan. You can say it."
"I wasn't going to say that."
"Then you can think it." Addison shakes her head sadly. "Everyone else around here does."
"Addison, you're the farthest thing from Satan," Vivian insists. "You save babies for a living."
"I also slept with my husband's best friend," Addison mutters dryly.
"And that was a mistake," Vivian concedes. "You're not a saint … I think we all can agree to that. But you're also not Satan. And putting all that Satan-talk aside … it seems like you and Derek are trying to repair your marriage."
Addison shrugs. "I'm trying." She meets her mentor's eyes. "Vivian, I'm fighting so hard for my marriage. But Derek … I think he's done fighting for us. I'm not sure he thinks there's anything left to fight for."
"And what do you think?" Vivian asks. "I've known you long enough to know that you wouldn't continue to fight unless you thought there was something to fight for." She looks at Addison closely. "Do you think there's something to fight for?"
"I do."
Vivian raises an eyebrow at Addison's use of the words, I do. "Marriage vows?" she teases. "I can speak to that too, you know."
Addison chuckles. She does know. And she can't help remembering.
~ I fall behind ~
"Dr. Montgomery, can I speak with you for a moment?" Vivian asks as she, Addison, and a few other interns scrub out after their latest surgery.
"Sure," Addison nods, turning off the faucet and drying her hands.
"Let's talk in my office."
She leaves the scrub room and Addison follows her dutifully, unsure what in the world Vivian wants to discuss with her.
"Um, is everything alright?" Addison asks once they're in Vivian's office and the door is closed behind them.
"I was going to ask you the same thing, actually."
"Excuse me?"
"This entire morning, you've seemed distracted, preoccupied … not like yourself. So I just wanted to make sure everything's okay."
"I, uh …" Addison trails off, blushing brightly.
"I take it something's going on," Vivian assesses, watching Addison closely.
Addison shakes her head in embarrassment. "It's silly," she admits.
"And yet it's affecting you," Vivian points out. "It can't be that silly."
Addison sighs. She knows this isn't really the type of thing you share with your attending, but Vivian is looking at her so genuinely … like she really wants to know.
"Derek's going to propose," Addison confides. She cringes slightly, worried that Vivian is going to lose all professional respect for her.
But, instead, Vivian seems interested.
"Are congratulations in order?" she asks, still trying to understand Addison's puzzling reaction to objectively good news.
"Not yet. He hasn't proposed yet."
"But you know he's going to? How—"
"I came home from work yesterday and overhead him practicing his proposal in our bedroom." She meets Vivian's eyes. "You can tell me if this is getting too juvenile for you."
But Vivian shakes her head. "I'm intrigued. Keep going."
Addison chuckles. "I pretended not to hear him. I didn't want to ruin this moment for him. But I …" she trails off hesitantly. "Bethany Wright, one of my fellow interns, was married when she started this program, and everyone refers to her as the married intern. And I … I just feel like Bethany was type-cast from the moment she started this program, and I …"
"You want to be recognized for your medical talents, not your marital status," Vivian fills in knowingly.
"Exactly."
"Well, I don't think that's unreasonable," Vivian says. "Now, I can't speak for Bethany Wright. She's shown absolutely no interest in my specialty and acts like it's beneath her. But I can tell you what the attendings say about you." She gives Addison a small smile. "We all think you're a force to be reckoned with. You're a talented doctor and you have great instincts."
"Really?" Addison asks in surprise.
"Don't let it go to your head," Vivian warns. "Do you want to know what people say about you and Derek?" she asks, her voice softening.
Addison nods.
"They think the two of you could be world-class. And I agree. You're both good individually … and everyone recognizes that. But together … the two of you elevate each other … push each other to be better. There's something unstoppable … almost magical about the two of you."
Addison smiles widely at that. "That's really nice to hear," she admits.
Vivian nods mutely. "But at the end of the day, what other people think doesn't matter. As you progress through this career, you're going to have people who recognize how talented you are, and you're going to have people who doubt you every step of the way. In the end, none of that matters" She gives Addison a small smile. "I know you're eager to please, but if you're a good doctor, it doesn't matter what people think."
"I guess," Addison says uncertainly, as she thinks about how hard she and Derek have been working to prove themselves to the residents and attendings at Mt. Sinai.
"Trust me," Vivian insists. "I learned that lesson very early in life and it's served me incredibly well. Let people think what they want to think. Let them doubt, even. Your success tastes twice as sweet that way."
Addison nods mutely, letting Vivian's words sink in.
"Ultimately, it's up to you to decide what's important," Vivian continues." What people are saying? Or how you're living your life and doing your job? It's up to you to decide where your values are at … where you want to invest your energy."
"Derek and being a good doctor," Addison answers easily.
In that order.
Of course, she doesn't say that last part out loud. But it's true. At the end of the day, she wants to be a good doctor. But her relationship with Derek matters more.
Vivian smiles at her warmly. "Those things seem far more important than other peoples' unsolicited opinions. So, don't worry so much about what people think or if they're type-casting you." She shakes her head in amusement. "You wouldn't believe how many naysayers I encountered on my way to where I am now. And you know what?"
"What?"
"I'm grateful for them. They only made me work harder." She looks at Addison, her eyes soft. "Did you know I was the only woman in my intern class?"
Addison shakes her head. "I didn't."
"Well, I was. And every day, my fellow interns would ask me when I was planning to give up already and leave the program so I could get married and play house."
"Really?" Addison asks, disgusted.
Vivian nods. "I hated them for it. I still do," she admits. "But I won out in the end. I'm more successful than all of them combined."
Addison smiles at that. "Has your career kept you from getting married?" she asks, growing serious. "Is marriage something you'd ever consider?"
She doesn't know why she's asking Vivian this. This is the type of conversation she's supposed to have with Savvy or Naomi … not her favorite attending.
But to her surprise, Vivian is smiling.
"I'd consider getting married," Vivian says, giving Addison a warm smile. "But, unlike you, I haven't found my Derek."
~ The second hand unwinds ~
"Am I interrupting?" Derek asks as he stands in the doorway of Vivian's hospital room.
"No," Vivian says, shaking her head. "We were just catching up."
"That's nice," Derek says stiffly, making his way toward Addison and Vivian. "Dr. Carlsmith, we want to do another brain scan. We think we can—"
"Dr. Carlsmith?" Vivian cuts in. "Derek, I know it's been a while, but you can drop the formalities. You used to eat dinner at my house all the time. We used to go out after work and drink scotch together. Don't insult me by calling me Dr. Carlsmith."
"I, uh, I'm sorry," Derek apologizes. "What I wanted to tell you is that we'd like to do another brain scan. I think we can get a clearer image of the tumor, which will give us a better understanding of what we're up against."
Vivian nods. "I'm assuming you'd like to do this as soon as possible."
"That's what we'd advise," Derek responds; and Addison can't help cringing at Derek's curtness.
"Okay," Vivian shrugs. "There's no time like the present I guess."
"Good," Derek nods, his tone stilted and formal. "I'll have Dr. Bailey come in and prep you. Do you have any questions for me?"
Vivian shakes her head. "Not at the moment."
"Okay," Derek says. "Dr. Bailey will be up here shortly."
He turns to leave and, to his surprise, finds Addison following him out.
"Derek, can I talk to you for a second?" she asks once they're in the hallway and out of Vivian's earshot.
"Can it wait, Addison?"
"It'll only take a second."
"I need to page Dr. Bailey," Derek persists. "She needs to come up here to prep Vivian for her—"
"Derek," Addison cuts in harshly.
"Addison, the sooner we can start operating on Vivian the better," retorts, clearly agitated. "I need these scans and I need them now."
"You're not operating until tomorrow at the earliest and we both know it," Addison rebuts, folding her arms across her chest and glaring at her husband. "Vivian may not have had a question for you, but I do."
"And what is that, Addison?" Derek sighs.
"Why are you treating Vivian like a patient?"
Derek blinks. "Because she is one."
"That's not what I mean. You're calling her Dr. Carlsmith and you're talking to her like Dr. Shepherd … not like Derek."
"Vivian has a brain tumor. She needs Dr. Shepherd."
"She needs Derek too," Addison insists. "Look, Derek, you can be angry at me. I get it. And I deserve it. You can be indifferent to me and pretend I don't exist. But you can't do that to Vivian. She doesn't deserve that. You have to care about her."
"Is that what you think?" Derek asks in disbelief. "You think I don't care?"
Addison shrugs. "You're acting like you don't."
"Well you're wrong," Derek huffs.
"I—"
"Did you ever consider that this is hard for me too? Do you think I like seeing Vivian in this position? You're not the only one who has a relationship with her. Did you ever stop to think that maybe I have to act removed and distant … because I do care? And if I allow myself to acknowledge just how much I care, I may not be able to do my job."
Addison swallows thickly. She hadn't thought of that.
"Derek, I—"
But she cuts herself off and her thoughts take over. She had thought Derek was being indifferent toward Vivian because he didn't care. When, in reality, the opposite was true.
He cared. He cared so much that he was using indifference as a defense mechanism so he didn't have to acknowledge that he cared.
And she couldn't help wondering if maybe the same was true for their marriage. She'd assumed he'd written their marriage off. But maybe that wasn't the case at all. Maybe he still cared. Maybe he's been acting indifferent so he doesn't have to acknowledge that their marriage actually meant something to him … and maybe still does.
In any case, now isn't the time to ask him this.
"I can try," Derek says, ripping her from her thoughts.
"What?" she asks in confusion.
"With Vivian," Derek explains. "From a professional standpoint, I need to keep some distance. But you're right," he admits. "She's not just a patient. And I don't want her to think I see her that way."
A small smile graces Addison's face. "Thanks, Derek."
"For what? For being a decent human being?"
Addison shrugs. "For trying."
"Since when have you ever thanked anyone for trying?" Derek chuckles. "Do. Or do not. There is no try. Right?"
"Are you quoting Star Wars to me?"
"I am." He gives her a teasing smile. "I figured you'd recognize it."
"Only because of Skippy Gold."
Derek cringes slightly at Addison's mention of her high school prom date. Sure Skippy Gold is ancient history, and he and Addison were never even together. Still, Derek has never liked him.
But he refuses to let himself think about that. Not right now when he's not supposed to care about Addison.
"You sound a lot better quoting Star Wars than Skippy Gold ever did," Addison compliments, making Derek smile involuntarily.
"I, um, I need to page Bailey," Derek says uncomfortably.
He can't do this with Addison … this easy, slightly flirtatious banter. This back and forth about the past and just how well they know each other.
"I need her to prep Vivian," he tells her, knowing she won't fight him on it.
Addison nods in understanding. "Can I bring you lunch?" she asks.
"No, that's okay. I'll eat afterwards."
"I'll bring you coffee then."
"Addison, I don't need coffee."
"Yes you do." She looks at him closely. "Your left eye is drooping. Let me bring you some coffee."
He silently curses her. She's absolutely right; he does need coffee. He hates that she know this about him, and he hates how tuned in she is to him—picking up on subtle things that most people would never recognize in a million years.
"No cream, no sugar," he tells her, even though he knows he technically doesn't need to.
She gives him a small smile. "You know one of the benefits of having a wife is having someone who knows all these little things about you."
And just like that, Derek feels something in him shift.
"I thought one of the benefits of having a wife is having someone who remains faithful to you," he says snidely. And he can't deny he's happy to see her flinch.
She swallows thickly. "Derek, I made a mistake. There are no two ways about it. What I did was wrong, and I'd never try to tell you otherwise."
"Well, that's big of you," he mutters sarcastically.
"You're not exactly the innocent victim here, Derek," Addison says, regaining her composure. "You might be able to convince people in Seattle that you are. But anyone who knows you … anyone who really knows you, knows that isn't the case."
"Really?" Derek challenges. "Tell me, Addison, did I sleep with your best friend?"
"No, but you slept with an intern while we were still married."
"That's not the same."
"No. But it's also not as different as you seem to think it is." She rolls her eyes at him. "I don't have time for this," she says calmly as she brushes past him and makes her way back toward Vivian's room.
"So, you're just going to walk away?" Derek asks in disbelief.
She shrugs. "Why not? You do it all the time."
"So, I guess you're not getting coffee."
She laughs spitefully and gives him a haughty glare. "Get your own coffee, Honey."
He, of course, doesn't. He's too busy. And he's not about to ask an intern to get him coffee. That would be bad juju.
Still, by the time he makes it to the radiology department for Vivian's brain scan, he's exhausted. And he could really use some coffee.
He sees it out of the corner of his eye first—a cup of coffee sitting on the desk.
He doesn't have to ask where the coffee came from … or, more accurately, who it came from.
But in the off chance that he wasn't sure, there's a note sitting on top of the coffee cup. He moves toward it and realizes it's not a typical note. Just a quote on a piece of paper, written in very familiar handwriting.
"I'd rather take coffee than compliments just now."
He recognizes the quote instantly. It's from the book, Little Women. But that's not where he knows it from.
It's one of Vivian's favorite quotes. One of her mantras, actually.
She always decompressed after a long surgery with a cup of coffee. It was a ritual … and the quote just fit.
After performing surgery, Vivian wasn't didn't want compliments or accolades. Just a cup of coffee and some good conversation.
He knows this. Addison, of course, knows this. She's shared several post-surgery cups of coffee with Vivian over the years.
He takes a sip of the coffee. It's just the way he likes it; and he almost hates Addison for this. For knowing him as well as she does. For reminding him just how far they go back and how much history they share.
He's so lost in his thoughts he doesn't hear her enter the room.
"I see you found the coffee," she says, her voice hesitant, as though she's waiting to see how he'll react.
"I did," he nods. "Thank you. I needed it."
She shrugs and takes a sip of her own coffee. "I thought it might be good juju," she admits, her cheeks tinging red. "I know you won't be the one taking the scans, but I just thought … it couldn't hurt."
He nods in understanding. Addison takes juju seriously. A lot of their former colleagues did. But none of them took it more seriously than Addison.
Especially with Hail Mary cases.
And he gets it. Because after being married to Addison for eleven-plus years, he knows how her mind works. She hates when she can't control things. And drinking juju before a big surgery or procedure (or after an unsuccessful one) gives her a sense of control, even if it's an artificial sense of control.
He thinks about Vivian. And Addison. And how hard it must be for her to see her mentor in this position. And how, right now, nothing's in her control.
And, again, something in him shifts. But this time it's different. He finds himself softening toward her.
"I wish I could tell you everything's going to be okay," he admits.
He means it too.
"I wish you could too." She runs a hand through her hair and meets his eyes. "But since you can't, I was, uh, wondering … could you sit here with me until they bring Vivian in? We don't have to talk," she adds quickly.
He nods mutely, and takes a seat, motioning for her to sit down next to him.
Technically, he still needs to get a couple of things done before Vivian's brain scan. He has excuses—valid ones—not to sit with Addison. To leave her here by herself.
But he can't bring himself to do that. He's furious with her, sure. And he hasn't forgiven her; he's nowhere close to that. And he still has work to do.
But right now, those things don't matter. He knows that as bad as things are between him and Addison, there's only one place he should be right now—and to his surprise, only one place he wants to be—sitting next to her, drinking coffee.
