Previously in Chapter 2: Jackie's made a life for herself in New York…alongside her boyfriend, Rick. After flashing back to Eric and Donna's wedding reception and remembering the havoc she and Hyde caused, Jackie prepares to spend Christmas at Point Place. When Rick delays his plans to join her and a horrifying shoe malfunction occurs, Jackie boards the plane feeling that everything is about to change.
Disclaimer: I haven't acquired any rights. Therefore, I have no claim on anything pertaining to That '70s Show.
Chapter 3- You Can Go Home Again…to Wreak Havoc (Part 2)
Friday, December 21st, 1984
Point Place, Wisconsin
Forman's Basement
"Isn't it great to have the gang all back together? Look at us, hanging out the basement, watching TV. It's like we never left—"
"Forman, quit yapping like a girl," Hyde barked. "Can't you see I'm trying to watch Family Feud?"
"See?" Eric said fondly, widening his hands. "Hyde's pissed off already. It's like we never left."
Hyde glared at his fidgety friend.
"I don't see why you insisted on watching Family Feud, Hyde," Kelso pouted. "The Price is Right is like way better. I mean, they have a giant wheel! I could watch that thing for hours…"
"I just didn't want to watch it," Hyde said shortly. "There's too many old ladies who can't reach the wheel…"
"I am with you, my friend," Fez chimed in. "I much prefer Family Feud. That Richard Dawson is foxy."
The guys all looked at Fez in disgust.
"Fez, you think Richard Dawson is foxy?" questioned Eric.
Fez didn't seem to comprehend the creepiness of his statement. "Of course. The ladies think so too. Do you see how much action he gets on the show?"
Eric shook his head. Addressing the room, "See? Fez making inappropriate comments. It's like we never left," he stated, seemingly unable to let a single reminiscing opportunity pass by.
"Forman, don't make me hit you," Hyde warned. "Better yet, I'll get Donna to do it. Where is that wife of yours anyway?"
"Probably still on the phone with Jackie," Eric answered. "Their phone conversations can last hours. I just hope Donna doesn't get a headache from Jackie's piercing voice like last time. That means I won't get lucky tonight…"
"Man, I'm so excited to see Jackie!" Kelso exclaimed. "I haven't seen her in forever. I hope she's still hot. If she is, maybe I can do it with her. She still owes me since she never screwed me at Eric's wedding."
"Kelso, give it up," Fez told the tall, stupid man. "Jackie is not going to do it with you. She's moved on to bigger and better pastures…like that super rich boyfriend of hers in New York."
Kelso looked disappointed. "Man, she's still with that guy she wouldn't shut up about last Thanksgiving? That was annoying. 'No, Michael, I have a boyfriend. I don't want to do it with you on the dining table.' 'Michael, get your hand off my leg. I have a boyfriend.' 'Michael, for the last time, I have a boyfriend. If you don't start putting your clothes back on, I'll castrate you,'" he said, imitating Jackie. "What does 'castrate' even mean?"
"You're better off not knowing," Eric told him. He paused for a moment in thought. "It'll be interesting to finally meet Jackie's boyfriend. Donna says she hardly shuts up about him. Of course, Jackie hardly shuts up period."
"Oh yes," Fez jumped in, "Jackie always talks about him. She says he's wonderfully sweet, wonderfully good-looking—"
"Wonderfully rich is more like it," Hyde broke in. "C'mon, we all know Jackie is only with him cuz she wants to bag a rich husband."
"I don't know, Hyde. I'm not sure that's the reason she's with him. She's been with him for over two years," Eric argued. At the look Hyde shot him, "Well, I'm not sure it's the only reason she's with him."
Hyde leaned forward in his seat. "Forman, this is Jackie we're talking about. She only cares about superficial things…like money and unicorns. Of course she's only with him cuz he's rich. If he went broke, she'd dump him so fast he'd get whiplash."
Eric was about to respond when Fez beat him to it. "Hyde, buddy, you are wrong on this one," he announced. "Sure, Jackie is shallow and superficial, but she would not date somebody just because he's rich. She dated you and Kelso and neither of you are rich. Besides, she also said her boyfriend is wonderfully good-looking so you have to take that into account. I wonder if he's as foxy as Richard Dawson…"
"Whatever." Hyde sat back in his seat and folded his arms. He didn't like the penetrating look Forman was giving him.
Eventually, Eric shrugged. "Well, I guess we'll all find out if he's as foxy as Richard Dawson tomorrow when they arrive…I can't believe I just said that." Shaking his head, Eric continued, "It will be nice to see Jackie. I mean, she's loud and annoying, but the basement's not quite the same without her. It's too quiet."
Hyde gave him a pointed look. "Nothing's wrong with a little quiet, Forman. When it's quiet, you can actually hear Family Feud."
Eric ignored him. "I just hope Jackie coming doesn't bring on another fiasco. The last two times she was here disaster struck."
Fez leapt to Jackie's defense. "Eric, Jackie didn't bring on any fiasco. That was Kelso's stupidity."
"Hey! How many times do I have to tell you I didn't do it?" Kelso cried.
Everyone ignored him.
"Yeah. That was some Thanksgiving, man," Hyde said with a smug grin…
***FLASHBACK***
Thursday, November 24th, 1983
Point Place, Wisconsin
Forman's Basement
Hyde, Eric, Donna, Kelso, and Fez were all gathered around the basement as Jackie persisted in yapping endlessly about her "wonderful" boyfriend.
"Rick is so wonderful. You want to know how wonderful he is?" Jackie asked excitedly, clapping her hands together.
The gang groaned.
"Jackie, you've been telling us how wonderful he is for the past hour. I think we've all gotten a fairly good idea of how wonderful he is," Eric commented.
"Yeah, Mr. Wonderful would be a hell of a lot more wonderful if he wasn't so damn wonderful," Hyde added. "That way, you could shut the hell up."
Jackie glared at him.
"You know what think is wonderful?" Kelso butt in. A stupid grin spread across his face. "A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. Man, I just love it when Snoopy decorates his doghouse…"
"Michael, that's the Christmas special," Jackie pointed out.
"Oh yeah…" Kelso chuckled at his own stupidity. "You know, they should air Christmas cartoons all year round. I could watch that scene where Lucy pulls the football away from Charlie Brown over and over again…It's classic."
"Actually, Kelso, that's the Thanksgiving special," Donna corrected.
"Whatever, it's still funny. Lucy majorly burned Charlie Brown…" Kelso then broke out into hysterical laughter at the thought of such a spectacular burn.
Eric frowned. "I never liked Lucy. I mean, what sort of evil woman would pull the football away at the last second?"
"Eric, you're such a moron," Jackie told him.
Kelso ceased his hysterical laughter and looked at Jackie. "Hey, Jackie. You kind of remind me of Lucy. She's all bitchy and mean and stuff—"
Eric's eyes went wide. "Oh my God! He's Right!" he exclaimed, pointing at Jackie. "You're Lucy! You're the sort of evil woman who would pull the football away at the last second!"
Donna squinted at Jackie. "You know, she does bear a resemblance to Lucy…"
"Why am I friends with you people?" asked an affronted Jackie. "I am way too pretty to be compared to a cartoon character!"
Hyde folded his arms and smirked. "Whatever you say, Lucy."
Fez, who had been eating out of a Mickey Mouse PEZ dispenser, looked up in confusion. "Lucy? Who is Lucy? Why are you referring to Jackie as Lucy? You people are ridiculous." He then held up his PEZ dispenser in delight. "Don't you just love PEZ? I mean, who wouldn't want to eat candy out of a beloved cartoon character?"
Everyone stared at him.
"God, between cartoons and candy, I might as well be hanging out with four-year-olds," Jackie loudly complained. "I'm so glad I have a boyfriend who is an actual adult. Wait…did I mention how wonderful he is?" She squealed in excitement. "He's so wonderful that…"
The gang groaned. Loudly.
"Kill me now. She's gone into another Mr. Wonderful rant," Eric whimpered.
"Do you think she'd notice if we all got up and left?" Hyde asked.
Jackie looked around the room with a disgruntled expression. "Guys? Are you listening to me?"
"Not really," Fez answered honestly.
Jackie continued as if she hadn't heard him. "As I was saying, Rick is so wonderful. When I told him I'd never been to Paris, he flew me there for the weekend! In a private jet!"
"Jackie, you went to Paris for a weekend?" Donna gasped.
"Yeah. And you were so right, Donna. Paris looks nothing like Point Place. Paris is so beautiful, it's a travesty I ever compared it to this sad little town," Jackie responded. She gave Donna a would-be sympathetic look. "Too bad you're stuck in Point Place with Eric and you'll never get to see it. Don't you wish you were me so you could have such a wonderful boyfriend?"
Donna looked thoughtful.
"Hey!" Eric cried in indignation.
"What? No! Eric, I would never want to replace you," Donna assured her husband. "But I would like to go to Paris…" She took on a determined expression. "And I will get to Paris! It just may take a while to afford…"
"Whatever you say, Donna," Jackie scoffed. "Rick is so wonderful, he gives me anything I want now. Like this five-hundred dollar pair of shoes I pointed to in the store window the other day. And you know what? He bought them for me! Finally! A guy who realizes what I'm worth!"
"So, you're saying you're worth a five-hundred dollar pair of shoes?" Hyde questioned thoughtfully. "Good to know. Though I think you're overestimating your worth on that one."
Jackie scowled. "Steven, I'm worth way more than a poor person like you could ever understand! Anyway…what was I saying? Oh yeah, Rick is so wonderful…"
Oblivious to any discontent outside of her own self-absorbed world, Jackie continued to ramble on…
And on…
And on…
…until the gang had fallen into a catatonic state as a result of her excessive talking.
"Can't…take…anymore…" moaned Eric as he slumped over on the side of the couch.
Fez was equally pathetic as he reached for his PEZ dispenser. "Need…candy…for…strength…"
Donna shook her head. "You can't take anymore? I have to hear this all the time when she calls me. Believe me, she can go on for hours."
Fez gave Donna a look of awe. "Donna, you are a saint. I don't know how you do it. Even I have to hang up on Jackie once she starts talking about Mr. Wonderful."
"Well, to be honest, sometimes I'll just leave the phone off the hook, go do my laundry, and come back," Donna sheepishly admitted. "But she's still talking when I come back."
"Jackie talks a lot more now than when I dated her," Kelso commented. A dazed expression took over his face. "But maybe that was cuz we were too busy doing it! And it was really awesome when we were doing it—"
Donna made a face. "Eww. Kelso, I so don't need to hear about this—"
"—But now that I think about it, she talked a lot even when we were doing it. I just never paid attention."
Hyde stared at his overly-talkative ex-girlfriend. "Yeah, things were a lot easier when I could just make-out with her to get her to shut her pie-hole."
Throughout their discussion, Jackie continued to obliviously chatter away. "Seriously, guys. Rick is the most wonderful boyfriend. I didn't even know boyfriends could be this wonderful. But then again, look at who I was dating—"
"Hey!" came three simultaneously shouts from Kelso, Fez, and Hyde.
"Jackie, how can you say I wasn't a wonderful boyfriend? I took you to The Hub all the time," Kelso protested.
Jackie rolled her eyes. "Yeah, and you made me pay all the time."
"What about me? Was I not wonderful?" Fez interjected. "I bought you lots of candy!"
"Yeah, and you ate it all."
Everyone turned to Hyde, expecting him to say something…
"Hey! As far as I'm concerned, I'm wonderful for tolerating her in the first place!"
"Look, none of you even compare to how wonderful Rick is," Jackie stated, ignoring Hyde's slight. "If I had known the quality of men was so much better in New York, I would have moved there ages ago."
"Hey! Not all the men in Point Place are losers!" Donna argued. She looked about the room. "Eric's not a loser…" she tried feebly.
Jackie scoffed loudly. "Please. Eric barely counts as a man."
"Hey! How can you say—"
"Actually, Forman. She has a point."
Eric's jaw dropped. "Hyde! How can you say that—"
"Do you still play with action figures?"
"Well…yes. But I'll have you know—"
"I rest my case," Hyde cut off, adjusting his sunglasses.
Jackie turned to Donna. "Donna, I feel so bad for you. You'll never know what it's like to be with a real man. Wait until you see how wonderful Rick is…"
Hyde observed the petite brunette in exasperation. "Jackie, the way I see. There's no way Mr. Wonderful can actually be that wonderful."
"Why's that?"
"Because there is no way someone that wonderful would be with you. Mr. Wonderful should ride off into the sunset with Miss Wonderful. Not some self-absorbed, loud-mouthed brat."
Jackie had a dangerous gleam in her eye and opened her mouth to retort…
"I have an idea!" Donna suddenly exclaimed in a falsely cheerful voice. "Let's talk about something else!"
"I have some things I'd love to say about Steven—"
"Jackie, you've had your chance to speak…let someone else have a turn," Donna nervously insisted, causing Jackie to pout.
"But Donna—"
"What Donna is trying to say is shut the hell up," Fez interrupted.
"Fez!"
"Jackie, you know I adore you, but I cannot listen to your high, shrilly voice a moment longer," Fez bluntly told her.
"I have something I want to talk about," Eric declared. He looked around at everyone. "What the hell was George Lucas thinking when he made Luke and Leia brother and sister?"
The gang groaned. Very Loudly.
"That's it, man. I can't take anymore of this girlish chatter," Hyde announced. "Besides, we have much more important things to do."
Eric scowled at him. "What could be more important than discussing Star Wars?"
Hyde grinned.
20 minutes later…
The entire gang was now in circle formation sporting bemused expressions.
"Hyde, man. You were right. This is better than discussing Star Wars," Eric remarked in a faraway voice. "I can't even remember why I was so upset about Star Wars." He frowned. "Ahhh…I remember now. Luke and Leia are…I can't even say it. If only I could talk to George Lucas and find out what he was thinking…"
Donna looked at her husband in exasperation. "Why did I marry you?" she asked. Then, giggling, "Seriously, why did I marry you? I can't remember…"
Kelso was busy cackling hysterically for seemingly no reason. "Man, I was just thinking about Lucy pulling the ball away from Charlie Brown…that was an awesome burn!"
Hyde surveyed Kelso through his shades. "You know what, man? You may be onto something with this Lucy thing. I mean, Lucy's bossy, self-centered, and abusive towards Charlie Brown. She practically is Jackie. I'm not sure how, but this may all be part of some government conspiracy…"
Fez finished pouring candy from his PEZ dispenser into his mouth. "What is it with you people referring to Jackie as Lucy? I don't get it…eh, it doesn't matter. As long as I get to eat my candy out of Mickey Mouse…"
Jackie gave Fez a disgusted look. "Fez! What's wrong with you? It's like you're eating Mickey's internal organs! You're killing Mickey Mouse!"
Fez looked at his candy in horror before scowling at Jackie. "You bitch! You've ruined PEZ for me! You are Lucy!" He stopped ranting suddenly. "Though I still have no idea who Lucy is…"
Eric had now worked himself up into a frenzy. "Seriously, what was George Lucas thinking? Return of the Jedi has scarred me for life! All those times Donna and I dressed up as Luke and Leia…it's like I was doing it with my sister!"
Silence.
"Forman. Too much information, man," Hyde candidly stated.
Eric was about to reply when…
"Hey! Morons! Get your lazy asses upstairs and get ready to take part in this damn holiday cheer!" came the loud, pissed-off voice of Red Forman into the basement.
Startled, everyone jumped back from the circle.
"Crap. It's Red. Hide the evidence," Hyde ordered as he began waving his hands to clear the smoke in the room.
A second later, Red entered. "Why are you jackasses always hanging out in the basement? None of you even live here anymore."
"Yes, but the basement holds such fond memories of our delinquent youth," Fez responded.
Red sternly examined Fez. "Well, go and reminisce somewhere else, Pedro. From now on, you dumbasses are going to sit in the living room like normal people. Kitty and I had to fumigate this place to get rid of the funny smell after Steven moved out."
"Dad, what's going on?" Eric asked, fidgeting nervously.
"Your mother's gotten it into that head of hers that this is going to be the best Thanksgiving ever," Red told him. "So you all better get the hell upstairs and suffer through this hellish holiday."
No one budged.
"Either get moving or line up so I can stick my foot in your asses one at a time!" Red barked.
They immediately raced for the exit, tripping over themselves in the process.
Red paused and sniffed the air. "Damn. That funny smell is back in the basement again…"
10 minutes later…
Forman's Living Room
The gang all looked miserable as Red watched TV from the couch.
Red took a sip out of the beer can he was holding. "See? This is the way Thanksgiving is supposed to be. Sitting down with a beer to watch football."
"Mr. Forman, how come you are the only one who gets to drink beer?" inquired Fez.
"Because I'm the only man in this house."
"But, Dad, we're all of age—"
"Can it, Eric. Age has nothing to do with beer. Beer is a man's drink. Once you to prove you're a man, you can have a beer."
"Mr. Forman, that's awfully sexist—"
"Donna, you had the lack of sense to marry my son. I don't think you're one to judge," Red cut off.
Hyde pointed to the TV. "Whoa! Did you see that tackle? The Lions are totally pummeling the Steelers!"
Red nodded approvingly. "See? Steven enjoys watching men pummel each other. Now that's a man." He pulled out another beer that was hidden behind a pillow on the couch. "Here you go, Steven. Have a beer."
"Thanks, Mr. Forman." Hyde grinned mockingly at the rest of the guys.
The guys glared back.
"Hey! How come Jackie gets to drink?" Kelso piped up.
"Because I'm better than the rest of you people," Jackie answered matter-of-factly.
Hyde noted the drink in her hand. "You're still drinking Kamikazes? Is that what the rich and uptight do these days? Drink their pathetic, shallow lives away?"
"Please. There's nothing pathetic or shallow about my life, Steven! I live in the Upper East Side of Manhattan!" Jackie exclaimed. "Besides, you're one to talk about drinking their lives away."
"If you're referring to some of my unfortunate drunken experiences—"
"Is that what you call it when you're so out of it you marry a stripper?"
"—I'll have you know that the absence of a certain brunette from one's life can make one remarkably sober."
"How can you say that—"
"You're Train Jackie, remember? You crash into people and wreak havoc. Hence the need to get drunk."
Turning red, "Shut up, Steven!" Jackie shrieked. "You don't know what the hell you're talking about—"
"For God's sake, you two are blocking out the TV. I can't hear the football commentary," Red complained, turning up the volume.
"Sorry, Mr. Forman. Steven here doesn't understand how to treat people of high class," Jackie apologized.
"I'm so sorry, your highness. Why don't I just bend down and kiss your five-hundred dollar shoes?" Hyde sarcastically spat.
"Well, I'd let you, but I'm afraid I might catch your poor germs—"
"ENOUGH!" yelled Red. He turned to Jackie. "You. Shut that shrilly mouth of yours. I don't give a damn what you're upset about."
Jackie shrugged, glaring at Hyde as she took a sip of her Kamikaze.
Red then turned to Hyde. "And you. Learn how to talk to women because all that bellyaching is giving me a headache."
"But Mr. Forman, she acts like she's better—"
"Steven, do I have to take away your beer?"
Hyde shook his head.
Red nodded before addressing the rest of the room. "Do any of you other dumbasses have anything to say?"
Silence.
Red smirked. "Good. Now I can get back to my football game…"
Mrs. Forman came bounding in from the kitchen.
"I spoke too soon," Red grumbled.
"I hope you're all ready for the best Thanksgiving ever!" Mrs. Forman cheerfully exclaimed. "You're all just going to love my baby carrots!"
A few people grunted in response.
Mrs. Forman's face fell. Then she began to laugh. "That's alright. Don't you worry about me. I've only been slaving away in the kitchen for eight hours. But you all just sit there watching TV as if you don't give a damn about my baby carrots. It doesn't bother me." She stopped laughing. "Now, if you excuse me, I need to down some hard alcohol…"
Jackie followed the older woman to the bar. "Mrs. Forman, may I suggest a Kamikaze?" she asked, holding up the drink in question.
"Actually, I was thinking about something with Kahlua, dear," Mrs. Forman remarked absently before looking at Jackie. "Oh, my! Don't you think you're a bit young for hard alcohol?"
Flipping her hair, "I'm twenty-three. Besides, I live in New York and men are jackasses," Jackie responded, glaring in Hyde's direction.
Mrs. Forman chuckled as she began making herself a drink. "Oh, believe me. I know all about men being jackasses."
"Yeah, all they do is criticize while they watch sports and drink beer. Well, all men except for my wonderful boyfriend. He would never sit on a couch, drink beer, and criticize me," she heatedly ranted. "Unlike some previously poor scruffy bastard with bad taste in music I know!"
Hyde sighed. "Jackie, you know I can hear you…and I have excellent taste in music."
Not paying attention, Mrs. Forman slammed down the drink she was holding. "You know what? You're right!" She eyed her husband with purpose. "Red Forman! Put down that beer and come help me in the kitchen!"
"But, Kitty, I'm in the middle of a football game—"
"NOW!"
Red groaned.
1 hour later…
Kelso now occupied Red's seat on the couch and was flipping through the channels with the remote.
"Man, why can't you just leave it on the football game?" Hyde asked.
"Because I don't want to miss A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving," Kelso pouted.
"But Michael, it's not like you haven't seen it before," Jackie argued.
Kelso looked incredulous. "Jackie, you don't understand. There can never be enough Charlie Brown. Besides, it's the same thing as Eric watching Star Wars five million times. I didn't hear you guys complaining then."
Donna gave their slow friend a strange look. "Actually, Kelso, we did."
"Oh yeah…"
"You know, Kelso makes a good point. When something is as phenomenal as Star Wars, you can never watch it enough times," Eric said with a contemplative expression.
Everyone groaned, knowing what was coming…
"Kelso, you stupid sonofabitch!" Fez exclaimed. "You should know better than to mention Star Wars in front of Eric!"
"Yeah, it's bad enough I have to listen to this at home all the time," Donna added.
Eric remained oblivious to any and all protests. "Star Wars has got to be the greatest cinematic experience ever. Aside from that whole brother-sister thing. I don't know what George Lucas was thinking—"
"Forman, you've got to let it go—"
"Hyde, you can't tell me I'm the only one who went 'Ew' after realizing Leia kissed her brother in The Empire Strikes Back."
"No, but I'm betting you were the only one who ran from the theatre screaming 'For the love of God! No!'" Hyde mocked.
"Well, how would you react once you realize you've been role-playing with a character that turned out to be your sister?"
"Eric, could you not talk about our sex life?" Donna muttered.
"No, Eric. By all means, share the sordid details of you sex life with Donna," Fez encouraged. "Tell me, does she ever put on that old school girl uniform?"
"Fez!"
"Yeah, that school girl uniform was HOT!" Kelso enthusiastically added. "I'd love to know what else Donna dresses up as. You know, besides your sister," Kelso said to Eric, laughing. "Burrrrrrn!"
Eric shivered in disgust. "Look, this is all George Lucas' fault. If he just had Luke and Leia get together instead of making them all related—"
"Eric, give it a rest," Jackie rudely interjected. "Leia never would have ended up with Luke even if he wasn't her brother. He wasn't cool enough."
"How can you say he wasn't cool enough?" Eric asked, aghast. "He had a lightsaber!"
"C'mon, he couldn't even kill that evil guy at the end."
"That's because he was being noble—"
"Please. Being noble is stupid."
"How can you say—"
"She's right, Forman," Hyde cut off. "Being noble is stupid. Being noble will get you killed." He grinned. "Now, Han Solo. He's one cool character…"
Eric opened and closed his mouth, looking betrayed.
"It seems our dear friend, Eric, is so overcome with despair he has lost the ability to speak," Fez observed. A sad expression took over his face. "I know how he feels. I have a craving for PEZ, but I don't want kill Mickey Mouse…"
The gang was saved from commenting on Fez's bizarre statement when Kelso whooped in excitement, "IT'S ON! A CHARLIE BROWN THANKSGIVING IS ON!" Calming slightly, "Man, I can't wait to watch Lucy pull the ball away."
Just as the opening scene to A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving was about to play…
Red entered the room, noting that Kelso had taken his spot on the couch. "Get out of my seat, dumbass," he ordered.
Kelso looked up in alarm. Pointing to the TV, "But A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving—"
"Now. Before I put my foot in your ass—"
Immediately after Red sat down, "What the hell is this on my TV?" He picked up the remote and changed the channel back to the Lions–Steelers game.
Kelso appeared stricken. "But we were watching A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving—"
Red shot him a look. "I just finished helping my wife in the kitchen where she spent the past hour telling me what a jackass I am. I am not going to sit here and watch cartoons."
"But I wanted to see Lucy pull away the ball—"
"QUIET!" Red looked around at his son and his sons' friends in irritation. "I'm starting to think I should have left you all in the basement."
30 minutes later…
The entire gang plus Red sat in the living room watching football in relative silence.
Kelso was busy pouting. "Dude, cartoon football is so much cooler," he whined.
"Can it, dumbass." Red spared him a glance in between football plays. "Why aren't you spending Thanksgiving with that kid of yours anyway?"
"It's Brooke's turn to have Betsy for Thanksgiving and Brooke's parents have barred me from their house," Kelso responded.
"How come?" questioned Eric.
"Oh, they were all upset because I set their drapes on fire with a sparkler." Kelso chuckled. "Talk about overreacting…"
Red shook his head and returned his attention to football.
"Michael, you set their drapes on fire?" Jackie asked, taking a gulp of what must have been her fourth Kamikaze.
Kelso nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah, the fire department had to come and everything. I even got to sit in the truck and blow the horn…you know, until they threw me out. It was awesome! I don't get what everyone was so upset about. I mean, how many people can say they had the entire fire department pull up to their house on Thanksgiving?"
"I'm guessing about as many people that had sprinklers soak their wedding reception because someone set off the fire alarm," Donna dryly responded, giving Kelso a meaningful look.
"Yeah," Eric sarcastically agreed. "Hey, what do think the odds are that the same person would set fire to a wedding reception and a pair of drapes on Thanksgiving?"
"Given that it's Kelso, I would say the odds are pretty high," Fez mused.
"Hey! I told you guys I didn't do it!" Kelso cried in defense. "Like I said, someone came up behind me—"
"Kelso, man. You need to give it up…or come up with a better story," Hyde broke in. "I mean, someone attacked you and placed you at the scene of the crime? What kind of lame story is that?"
Jackie flashed Hyde an amused look before adding, "Yeah, Michael. If you're gonna lie, at least make sure the lie is believable. Trust me. I know from experience."
"But I'm not lying—"
"Kelso, you're the resident pyromaniac in the group," Hyde cut in, rolling his eyes at the look of pride that overtook Kelso's face at that pronouncement. "What would you think if you were us?"
"I-I…I'd think I did it," Kelso reluctantly conceded.
Hyde folded his arms. "Exactly."
"But I would be wrong!" Kelso objected. "Why are you giving me the fourth degree anyway?" he asked, pouting. "Or is it fifth degree? I can never remember…"
"Try third degree," Eric offered.
"Whatever," Kelso dismissed, shaking his head. "Man, things would be so much better if we could have watched A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving…"
"Will you all stop with the damn yapping so I can watch football?" Red interrupted.
Everyone quieted down as they watched the Lions intercept the ball.
"You know, when I was four I wanted to be a football player," Donna suddenly announced, her tone bitter. "But my mom said 'No! Girls don't play football.' Talk about sexist brainwashing…"
Jackie's eyes went wide. "Donna! This explains so much about you!"
Donna ignored her. "There's something wrong with society's mindset when it crushes a little girl's dream…"
Tuning out Donna's indignation, Red remarked, "I always wanted a son to play football with."
"Dad, you have a son," Eric said, pointing to himself. "You could have played football with me."
"You don't count. I mean a real son." Red eyed him critically. "One that can throw a football."
"Hey! I can throw a football!" Eric insisted.
Red rolled his eyes at his girly son. "Sure you can. You just keep telling yourself that."
A half-resolved, half-crazed look overtook Eric's face. "I can! I'll prove it to you!" he shouted, standing up. Motioning to the rest of the gang, "Let's go play football!"
Donna stood up immediately. "Yeah! Let's play! I'll show all of you that girls can play as well as guys!"
"You better find someone other than Eric to play with then. Cuz he's practically a girl," Jackie advised.
Eric glared at her before looking around the room with steely resolve. "I'll show all of you! After today, there will be no doubt in anyone's mind that Eric Forman is a man." He looked at Red. "A man that deserves to drink beer."
He then turned dramatically on his heel and made his way to the front door—only to trip when he had almost reached his target. Holding up his hands, "I'm alright. The…uh…floor just got in my way."
"Eric, I love you, but I refuse to play on your team," Donna asserted before ushering her protesting husband out the door.
Fez shrugged, sadly putting down his PEZ. "Since I can't eat PEZ, I may as well join in," he sighed. "But wait…how do you play this 'football'? I only ever paid attention to the tight pants the guys wear."
Everyone paused to give Fez an equally appalled look.
Kelso joined his foreign friend, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry, little buddy. I'll teach you everything you need to know. The important thing to remember is that you have to try to make as many goals as possible…"
Kelso and Fez then followed after Donna and Eric.
"I gotta see this," Red remarked, pulling out another beer from his hiding place behind the couch pillow. "Besides, I better make sure those dumbasses don't break anything…"
After Red's exit, Hyde remarked, "This has 'disaster' written all over it." He grinned. "This is going to be awesome!" He then made to join his foolish friends…
He stopped in the doorway, remembering something. "Jackie, aren't you coming?"
Jackie shook her head in the negative. "Girls don't play football."
"Donna's playing," he pointed out.
Jackie rolled her eyes. "Donna doesn't count. She's practically a guy."
"Whatever." Hyde shrugged before leaving…
40 minutes later…
Hyde entered the kitchen to find Jackie sipping on another Kamikaze.
"Jackie, you gotta come see this! Donna tackled Forman so hard he can barely walk and Kelso keeps making touchdowns for the wrong team. It's awesome!"
Jackie nodded listlessly, her eyes blurry. "I always said that lumberjack was abnormal…and Michael's never been good with direction."
"Yeah, well, what little reason Kelso had left went out the window when Laurie showed up. Kelso just seems to run in the direction the boobs are. Fez was having trouble concentrating too…"
"Ugh! Men are so easy! Fez has had concentration problems since Laurie let him feel her up after the garter toss at Eric and Donna's wedding. I can't believe that skank showed up for Thanksgiving!"
"To be fair, that skank used to live here," he reasoned.
Jackie turned her blurry eyes on him. "Oh! I forgot who I was talking to! Of course you would defend the skank! You love skanks!" she cried, suddenly riled up. "Men are all the same! Jackasses who run after boobs!"
Not liking the course of Jackie's sudden mood swing, Hyde looked around the kitchen. "Where's Mrs. Forman?"
"She went out to get more alcohol." Jackie held up her drink. "We're running low."
"How many of those have you had?"
She shrugged. "Lost count."
"But you're not drinking your pathetic, shallow life away," Hyde sarcastically goaded.
"Shut up, Steven. Compared to me, you're…you're…poor," she lamely insulted. Clearly the Kamikaze's were getting to her.
"Great burn, Jackie. I'll have to remember that one," Hyde mocked.
Jackie's eyes flashed in annoyance. "Hey, aren't you supposed to be playing football?"
Hyde smirked. "I told Fez to cover for me. Said I'd be right back. Yeah, Donna's gonna turn him into a pretzel."
Jackie sloppily slammed her drink on the kitchen counter. "You know what, Steven? That's just like you!"
"What's just like me?" he asked, knowing full well he probably shouldn't.
The furious brunette eyed him with something akin to malice. "Being a selfish, inconsiderate jackass who chases after boobs!"
"Jackie, what are you talking about? I didn't go chasing after boobs," he defended. "The only boobs around here are yours…" Shifting uncomfortably, "…and I, uh, certainly didn't come chasing after them…"
"And why not?" Jackie asked in indignation, looking down at her chest. "My boobs are perfect! Men should be lining up for miles around to see my boobs!"
"Uh…Jackie, I think it's time to lay off the Kamikazes—"
Jackie paid him no mind, intent on her drunken rant. "But no, you're too much of a jackass to realize when perfection is right in front of you. It's only a matter of time before you go chasing after some skank's boobs! And when you do, you probably won't bother to think about poor Fez—whose been left behind to become pretzel-ized by Donna. You won't think of how heartbroken he is…or how lonely he is."
Hyde was lost. He didn't know what she was saying.
So he told her, "Jackie, I'm lost. I don't know what you're saying."
"That's no surprise. You never knew what I was saying," Jackie callously replied.
"Huh?"
Jackie pointed at him in triumph. "See? That's exactly what I'm saying! You have no idea what I'm saying!" Following that dizzying explanation, "You know who would know what I'm saying? Rick. He's so wonderful—"
Hyde's fuse had been growing increasingly short since Jackie began her drunken rambling, but at the mention of Mr. Wonderful—his fuse went from short to non-existent.
"You think I give a damn about your Mr. Wonderful? Mr. Wonderful can take his wonderfulness and shove it up his ass for all I care. In fact, I'm starting to think Mr. Wonderful doesn't even exist. No one can be that wonderful and be real."
Jackie's tiny hands balled into fists. "I didn't make him up. He's real. And he's wonderful. More wonderful than you could imagine. He's so wonderful—"
"Then why are you so miserable right now?" he asked scathingly.
"What are you talking about? I'm not miserable. I'm beautiful, rich, and talented with a wonderful boyfriend—"
"So you're drinking yourself into oblivion out of sheer happiness?"
"Yes!"
Hyde raised an eyebrow. "Jackie, that's bull. You're drinking yourself into oblivion because you finally realized how shallow and empty your rich, phony life is. You're drinking yourself into oblivion because no matter how wonderful Mr. Wonderful is, he'll never penetrate that black heart of yours beyond the depth of his wallet."
If laser beams could have shot out of Jackie's eyes, Hyde would have been incinerated. The infuriated brunette didn't say anything—she just stood there, shaking with unreleased anger.
Hyde felt distinctly uncomfortable that his loudmouth ex-girlfriend was not shooting off her loud mouth. Trying to lighten the mood, "You're not trying to be Zen, are you? Because chicks that use seven pounds of hairspray aren't qualified to be Zen—"
"You're right, being Zen never really worked for me. I was always much better at the other part," Jackie acknowledged before she began digging into her purse, which was on the kitchen counter.
"What other part—" Hyde abruptly ceased speaking as realization hit. Nervously watching her, "Jackie, what are you looking for?"
Horror crossed Hyde's face when she located her intended object. "Jackie! You are not spraying me with mace!"
"Yes, I am," she insisted, pointing the bottle at him. "Now hold still so I can spray you properly!"
The only person dumb enough to fall for that line would be Kelso. Hyde, on the hand, ducked out of the way, catching the mace-happy brunette's arm in the process.
"Steven! Let go!"
"Not a chance, Lucy."
"I am not Lucy! I am way better looking than that short, plump cartoon—"
"Hey, if the bitchy, self-absorbed shoe fits—"
"Don't be ridiculous! My shoes are far more expensive than hers—"
"You can't be serious!" Pause. "You are serious—"
"Of course I'm serious! Her plain, flat shoes can hardly be worth anything—"
"Jackie, I don't care about shoes! Give me the mace—"
"You should care about shoes! And I'll never give you the mace—"
"You know, it hardly seems fair that you're attacking me with the present I gave you—"
"That's the price you have to pay for being a jackass! Unless you want to buy me a new pair of shoes—"
Throughout their highly ridiculous argument, they continued to struggle over the mace—resulting in the cap on the mace bottle coming loose without Jackie or Hyde realizing…
Tired of the relentless back-and-forth struggle over a bottle of mace, Hyde backed Jackie into the stove and attempted to yank the bottle of mace out of her hand…to no avail. "Damn, Jackie. You have a strong grip for such a little person."
"Like I've said before, in addition to being extremely good-looking, I'm also extremely talented. I can hold on for days." Jackie narrowed her eyes. "So give it up and let go. You can't win."
Hyde surveyed the determined brunette through his shades. "We'll see about that…"
Hyde twisted the mace bottle with an almighty wrench, causing the bottle to come loose. Unfortunately, it also caused all of the contents of the bottle to fly out and spill over the stove, which was currently lighted and happened to be boiling Mrs. Forman's baby carrots…
"Oh, crap…"
"Steven, what…?"
"Jackie, get away from the stove," Hyde barked, physically pulling the now-confused brunette away from the stove to the other side of the kitchen counter.
Jackie squirmed out of his arms. "What's going on?"
Hyde opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted when the top of the stove burst into flames (incinerating Mrs. Forman's baby carrots in the process).
Jackie and Hyde watched with identical looks of horror.
"Steven…?"
"Yeah…?"
"I'm kind of drunk right now, so I just want to make sure I'm not hallucinating. Does the stove look like it's on fire to you?"
"Yep."
"So I'm not hallucinating?"
"Nope."
"We're screwed."
"Yep."
Suddenly all out panic hit lit a freight train…
"Oh my god! Steven! What are we gonna do?"
"Calm down, Jackie," Hyde ordered, though he didn't sound very calm himself. "We just need to find something to put on the fire…"
Jackie desperately searched the area. "Here…" She grabbed her Kamikaze and tossed its contents into the fire. The flames immediately burst higher...
Hyde's jaw dropped. "What the hell are you doing?"
"Trying to put out the fire!"
"Not with alcohol, you nitwit! That'll make it worse!"
"How was I supposed to know? You said to put something on it!"
"Not your freakin' Kamikaze!"
Jackie put her hands on her hips in an aggravated manner. "Well, you should really be more specific!"
Hyde shook his head. "You know what? It doesn't matter. Let's look for a fire extinguisher—"
His words were cut off when the entire stove suddenly burst into flames.
"Damn. It's too late. It's spreading."
Jackie wheeled around on him in anger. "This is all your fault, Steven!"
"My fault? How is this my fault? I wasn't the one who went crazy and tried to attack me with mace!"
"Yeah, well, if you hadn't been such a jackass I wouldn't have had to attack you with mace!"
Hyde noticed the flames were continuing to spread. "Jackie, we need to get out of here! The whole kitchen is gonna go up in flames!" He grabbed her arm and made to leave when she stopped him.
"Steven, wait. What are we gonna tell the Forman's? We can't tell them we set their kitchen on fire! They'll hate us!"
"Yeah, I know," Hyde sighed. He looked over Jackie's head, observing something beyond the Forman's glass doors. "Actually, we don't have to take the fall for this…"
"But how…" She turned and caught his line of sight. "No, Steven. It's too evil. Even for us. We couldn't…could we?"
"Well, if you want us to be banned from the Forman's for the rest of our lives that's fine by me."
A determined expression took over Jackie's features. "Let's do it."
Hyde smirked in triumph. "Good. Now listen closely cuz we have to act fast…"
Around an hour later…
Everyone was seated around the living room table looking grim.
Except for Kelso, who was sitting on a stool in the corner facing the wall as punishment.
It had been thirty minutes since Red had stopped yelling, twenty minutes since the fire department left, and an hour since Kelso had been found near the Forman's flame-filled kitchen.
The contents of the stove, of course, had not been limited to Mrs. Forman's baby carrots. The Thanksgiving turkey was now way overcooked (to the point of incineration).
No one was stupid enough to break the silence.
Except, of course, Kelso…
"Hey, how cool was it that it was the same firemen that came to Brooke's parents' house when I set fire to their drapes?" he chuckled.
No one laughed.
"Turn around and face the wall, dumbass. Before I decide to stick my foot up your ass. Again," Red barked.
Kelso cringed at the memory. "Fine," he huffed, turning back to the wall, "but if you ask me, everyone's making too big a deal of this. This is just like what happened with Brooke's parents…"
"Kelso, I think now would be the time to shut up," Eric murmured.
"Daddy, he ruined Thanksgiving," Laurie pouted.
"It's alright, pumpkin," Red comforted. "It's not your fault your brother is a dumbass."
"Hey!" Eric objected, "I'm not the one who set the kitchen on fire!"
"Whose idiot friend was it that set the kitchen on fire?" Red countered.
Eric opened his mouth to argue when…
"I DIDN'T DO IT!"
Donna sighed wearily. "Kelso, you know saying something over and over again doesn't make it true, right?"
"I don't know why no one believes me," Kelso lamented. "Just because I've accidentally set a lot of stuff on fire—"
"Accidentally?" Hyde questioned.
Kelso shifted on his stool. "Well…accidentally on purpose…I mean, things just seem to happen when I play with fire—"
"So, you just happened to set the kitchen on fire. Right, Michael?" Jackie jumped in.
"Yeah…NO! I didn't set anything on fire today!" He paused. "Well, I may have set fire to the basketball in the backyard earlier, but I put it out right away! I swear!"
"Look, dumbass," Red interjected, "why don't you sit down, shut up, and try not to set anything else on fire?"
"It hardly matters now," Mrs. Forman, who had been hitting heavy on the booze since her kitchen went up in flames, slurred. "Thanksgiving is ruined! My baby carrots are ruined! We may as well just set the whole damn house on fire!" Mrs. Forman then took a swig of whatever unidentified alcoholic concoction she was pounding down.
Silence fell.
"You know, I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if we had watched A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving," Kelso commented.
Everyone glared at him.
Kelso squirmed awkwardly. "I'll just, uh, turn back to the wall."
Mrs. Forman set aside her drink. "Well, since my perfect Thanksgiving has gone up in flames, I'll order Chinese…"
"Great. While she orders those Communist bastard's food, I'm gonna watch football. It's the only good thing about this damn day," Red grumbled, making his way over to the couch.
Jackie pulled Hyde aside.
"What's up, dollface?" he asked casually with a barely concealed grin.
"Nobody even suspected us," she whispered excitedly. "Steven! You're brilliant."
His grin was no longer concealed. "Of course I am."
Jackie grinned back. "I can't believe we pulled that off…"
1 hour and 5 minutes ago…
HYDE'S EVIL PLAN: Pin the blame on Kelso.
FIRST OBJECTIVE: Divide and conquer, man.
ACTION TAKEN:
"Okay, Jackie, you know your target. You know what you have to do," Hyde said seriously.
Jackie nodded her head with equal seriousness but replied, "Don't be ridiculous. I won't fail. Jackie Burkhart doesn't know how to fail," before she quickly exited out of the kitchen door towards the living room.
Hyde sighed and exited the kitchen through the back door, his sight landing on his target: Kelso.
"Man, I just hope the moron hasn't grown a brain in the last five minutes," Hyde muttered as he approached Kelso, who appeared to be searching for something. "Hey, Kelso. Whatcha lookin' for?"
Kelso paused in his search. "I'm looking for the other football."
"The other football…?"
"Yeah, the other football. Everyone else is playing with the backup football."
"What happened to the original football?"
Kelso shifted uncomfortably. "Uh…well, you see…some, uh, flying monkeys swooped down and stole it," he replied as if that was a perfectly acceptable explanation and flying monkeys stealing footballs were a common occurrence in Point Place.
Hyde raised an eyebrow. "Flying monkeys…?"
Kelso nodded dumbly. "Yeah, they came out of nowhere and made off with the football. Took it right out of my hands."
"Really?" Hyde responded with well-deserved skepticism. At his friend's nod, "Alright. Tell me more about these so-called flying monkeys," he implored. "What did they look like?"
"Well…they looked liked monkeys…but, you know, with wings," Kelso awkwardly answered.
"I see. And have you seen these flying monkeys before?" Hyde questioned in mock-seriousness.
"Of course," Kelso insisted, not meeting Hyde's eyes. "Everyone knows about the flying monkeys."
"Right." Hyde crossed his arms. "Let me see if I have this right. Some flying monkeys swooped down and stole the football off you. And you've seen these flying monkeys before?"
"Yeah."
"Just out of curiosity, did these flying monkeys happen to be abducting Dorothy at the command of the Wicked Witch the last time you saw them?"
"Maybe…" Kelso reluctantly admitted.
"Imagine that," Hyde remarked with heavy sarcasm. "Now, do you mind telling me how some fictional flying monkeys from a movie managed to steal a football?"
"Uh…well…you see…alright! I confess! There were no flying monkeys! I panicked and threw the ball over the house after Donna came charging after me!" Kelso burst out, giving up the charade. He continued grumpily, "I didn't want you to know I lost the ball because I was afraid of Donna. Damn, Hyde. Couldn't you let me have some dignity?"
"Because there's dignity in having flying monkeys steal a football off of you?"
"Well, yeah," Kelso said as if the answer was obvious. "It's much better than having your ass kicked by a girl. Dude, those flying monkeys were hardcore. Dorothy and Toto didn't stand a chance."
Hyde sighed, deciding there was no point attempting anything resembling logic with Kelso. He probably didn't even know what the word "logic" meant. Besides, he had a very important mission he to complete. Quick. He didn't have time for any more flying monkey foolishness. Looking around, "Are you sure the football went in this direction?" he asked.
"Red said it went this way, but I could have swore it went in the other direction…" Kelso frowned as if something just occurred to him. "Hey…you don't think Red was trying to get rid of me, do you?"
"No… I'm sure Red loves your company," Hyde responded, his lips twitching in amusement. All of a sudden, an idea came to him. "You know what, man? I'd be happy to find the football for you," he offered.
Kelso smiled goofily. "That'd be terrific, Hyde. You're such a great pal."
Hyde ruefully shrugged his shoulders, thinking of the great mess in the kitchen. "Yep. That's me, Mr. Helpful."
Kelso missed the sarcastic undertone of that statement. "Yeah, Hyde. I really appreciate it. Let me know if there's anything I can do for you."
Hyde couldn't help grinning at such a convenient offer. "Actually, Kelso. There is something you can do for me. Keep an eye on the kitchen. Make sure nothing goes wrong with Mrs. Forman's Thanksgiving dinner."
"Sure thing," Kelso immediately agreed. "Wouldn't want anything to happen to Mrs. Forman's baby carrots. I love those things."
"So you'll take responsibility for anything that may go wrong?"
"No problem, buddy," Kelso assured with false bravado, "Responsibly is my middle name. Nothing will go wrong on my watch."
Hyde clasped Kelso on the shoulder. "I don't know what I was worried about, man. I knew you couldn't have grown a brain in the last five minutes."
Kelso looked confused for a second before laughing stupidly.
Hyde just grinned.
Meanwhile…
Jackie made her way to the Forman's front lawn, where the rest of the gang was playing football…or attempting to play football.
Jackie scrunched her nose up as Donna tackled Fez, twisting him into what looked remarkably like a pretzel, causing Fez to fumble the ball. Jackie then watched as the redheaded lumberjack grabbed hold of the ball and ran the length of the yard to make a touchdown (singlehandedly pushing Eric aside in the process).
"Girls can't play football, my ass!" Donna yelled in triumph before she began jerking around in what was clearly supposed to be a victory dance.
Cringing at Donna's horrific dance skills, Jackie looked away from the ridiculous scene and searched for her target.
It took only a moment before she located the blonde skankiness that was her target: Laurie.
Flipping her hair back as only Jackie Burkhart can, Jackie marched her high-heeled self over to the slut in question.
"Hey, look! It's just the whore I was looking for!" Jackie called out as she approached.
Laurie appraised the loud brunette with disdain. "Oh, look who it is! The flat-chested midget!" the blonde sneered in greeting.
Jackie scowled darkly. "Oh, I am so not flat-chested! I'll have you know I am perfectly proportioned."
"Yeah, for a twelve-year-old boy maybe," Laurie bitched back.
"Excuse me? There is nothing boyish about me. Any guy would be lucky to have me."
"Then how come you're not married yet?" Laurie asked scathingly.
Jackie was taken aback. "How come…I'm not…" she sputtered. Collecting herself, "Well, you're hardly one to talk. How come you're not married yet? I guess no one wants to marry some slut who can't keep her legs shut."
Laurie glared at her. "Is there a reason you came over to bother me?"
Jackie froze, realizing she had lost her objective. "Uh…yeah…actually, there's something I need to talk to you about in private."
An evil smirk formed on Laurie's lips. "In private, huh? Sorry, I don't go that way. I always knew there was something off about you. No wonder you could never keep a boyfriend."
"Ugh! You bitch! That's it! I'm done being nice—"
"This is what you call nice? I'd say…Hey! Where the hell are you dragging me?"
Jackie had grabbed hold of Laurie's forearm and was dragging her towards the backyard.
"Ow! Let go! You have a strong grip for a midget!"
Jackie made sure to grip harder.
SECOND OBJECTIVE: Get Kelso to follow the boobs.
ACTION TAKEN:
"Hey, Kelso. Check out the boobs," Hyde remarked, noting that Jackie had literally dragged Laurie into view.
Kelso's interest spiked like a dog with a bone. "Boobs? Where?" he panted.
Hyde pointed in the direction of Jackie and Laurie (who looked like they wanted to tear the hair out of each other's overly-sprayed heads).
Kelso's head snapped immediately in the direction of the boob-sighting. "Whoa! Check it out! Jackie and Laurie! Both brunette and blonde boobs! Score!"
Hyde rolled his eyes.
"I wonder what Jackie and Laurie are doing together. I thought they hated each other," Kelso continued. Then, being more astute than Hyde would have given him credit for, "Dude, they looked majorly pissed about something. Do you think there will be a chick fight?" He sounded quite excited by the prospect.
Hyde instantly recognized an opportunity to further his mission. "You know what, man? We should really break the two of them up."
"Why would we want to do that? I love a good chick fight! Nothing better than two girls rubbing all over each other!"
Hyde sighed, realizing he had some major convincing to do. "Yeah…but we wouldn't want them to damage their boobs, would we?"
"Damage their boobs?" Kelso looked scandalized by the prospect. "We wouldn't want that!"
"No, we wouldn't want that," Hyde managed with a straight face. "We also wouldn't want Mrs. Forman getting upset about her guests fighting." She'll already be upset about her kitchen going up in flames. "I'll take Jackie, and you can distract Laurie…"
"I don't know," Kelso said uneasily. "Why don't you take Laurie? I've been hitting on Jackie all day. Maybe if I try again, she'll finally cave—"
"You're not hitting on Jackie," Hyde instantly bit out, tensing.
"Why not? Jackie and I are both good-looking people, I don't see why we can't do it…Ow! What'd you hit me for?"
"Just stay away from Jackie," Hyde warned, not amused. Not wanting to further address the issue, "Besides, you have a better chance of getting Laurie to do it with you," he reasoned. "Of course, she'll do it with just about anybody…"
"I don't know, man—"
"You'll get a closer look at Laurie's rack."
Pause.
"Alright, man. I'm in," Kelso eagerly agreed.
Not wasting a moment, Hyde jerked Kelso over to what appeared to be an escalating argument between Jackie and Laurie.
"Ladies, are we interrupting something?"
Jackie turned to Hyde, a crazed look in her eyes. "Steven, I'm so glad you're here. Tell me. Between me and Laurie, who has the better boobs? Me, right?"
Hyde's jaw dropped.
"Please," Laurie interrupted, "as if those mosquito bites could compare to these babies," she contended, grabbing her chest for emphasis.
Kelso began salivating.
"Yeah, right," mocked Jackie. "It's not all just about size. My boobs are still nice and perky, whereas yours…well, let's just say you're going to need a really good bra in a couple years because those sag bags are going to be hanging around your ankles."
"You bitch!" Laurie shrieked. "You're just jealous because you don't have anything to hang!"
"Jealous? I'm not jealous," Jackie huffed. "My boobs are far superior to yours in size, shape…in every way. I'm sure they even feel better."
"Let me judge that!" Kelso eagerly volunteered, reaching out towards Jackie's boobs.
Hyde frogged Kelso's arm before his wayward hands could reach their destination.
"Ow! Damn, Hyde! Did you have to hit me?"
"Stay away from Jackie's boobs!" Hyde yelled. He then shook his head and sighed. "Whatever. Things have gotten out of hand." Taking hold of Jackie's hand, he announced, "Jackie and I are taking off. You two can stay here and discuss this boob situation further if you wish…"
"I think we should discuss it NOW!" Jackie burst out. "I want it made known that my boobs are far superior to that skank's!"
"Jackie, this is not the time," Hyde whispered harshly as he pulled her away from the scene. "Oh, and don't forget to keep watch over the kitchen, man," he quickly added to Kelso before fleeing the area.
Caught up in Laurie's boobs, Kelso never heard him. "So, Laurie, how about a free boob evaluation?" he was heard asking.
THIRD OBJECTIVE: Haul ass and act ignorant.
ACTION TAKEN:
"C'mon, Jackie. It's only a matter of time before someone discovers the kitchen's on fire," Hyde warned, roughly pulling Jackie away from the backyard.
"Steven, there's no need to manhandle me—"
"Yes, there is. Time is of the essence, and all our plans are literally going up in flames because you were too busy bitching about your boobs—"
"I wasn't bitching about my boobs. I was making my case as to why they're superior—"
"Jackie, it doesn't matter—"
"Don't be ridiculous. Of course it matters. I'm Jackie Burkhart. Everything about me is perfect. Including my boobs! For anyone to say otherwise—"
"Jackie, Mrs. Forman's kitchen is currently burning down because we set it on fire. It doesn't matter."
Pause.
"You're right. It doesn't matter…but my boobs are better, right?"
Pause.
"Yes, Jackie. You're boobs are better. In fact, you're boobs are far superior to any other boobs I've seen—"
"Steven, I don't appreciate you joking about this—"
"I wasn't joking."
"Good. But like I said, there's no reason to manhandle me—"
Despite Jackie's rather shrilly protests, Hyde persisted in dragging her into a neighbor's yard. Dropping her hand, Hyde began looking around the yard.
His behavior confused Jackie. "Wait. Steven, I thought we were going out front with the rest of the gang. What are we doing here? And what the hell are you doing?"
Hyde was amused to note her annoyance, but had no time to provoke her further. "Searching" was his answer.
"Searching? For what?" Jackie asked with impatience, hands on her hips.
"A football."
"A football? Steven, why the hell are you searching for a football? The Forman's kitchen is burning down! We're supposed to be convincing everyone we're not to blame, remember?"
"Jackie," Hyde bit out, losing patience. He whipped off his sunglasses to stare down the petite woman. "I don't have time to listen to your yapping. Nor do I have time to explain exactly what the hell I'm doing. Just trust me when I say that football is our alibi. So if you want to escape the blame for burning down Mrs. Forman's kitchen, I suggest you shut up and start searching."
With that, he turned away and continued his search.
After about two seconds…
"Is this the football you bit my head off about? Ugh! It's all messy and dirty—"
There Jackie stood, muddy football in hand, looking both equally smug and appalled with her find.
Shaking his head, Hyde grabbed her hand once again and led her to the Forman's front lawn—where a pathetic Eric Forman lay whining helplessly on the ground.
"I'm alright…I can get up…just give me a day or two to catch my breath…" he wheezed.
Red looked down at his pathetic son and shook his head. "What kind of man let's his wife knock the wind out of him?" Red asked in disgust.
"Hey! Don't insult my husband!" Donna argued. She then smiled, holding up a football with pride. "It's not his fault I'm freakin' awesome at football!"
"Yes," Fez interjected, coming up behind Donna, "and to be fair, Donna is overly large and strong for a female."
"Hey!" Donna protested.
"Yeah…" Eric moaned from the ground. "That's my wife you're talking about…my overly large and strong wife…"
"Eric!"
Eric just groaned in response to his wife's objection.
"God, Eric. You're so embarrassing," Jackie rudely commented, loudly announcing her presence.
Everyone looked up at Jackie—immediately noticing Hyde's presence at her side.
"Oh, look who's here," Donna said in a meaningful tone that neither Jackie or Hyde appreciated. "Just where have you two been off to?"
"Yeah, and how come you two are holding hands?" Fez shrewdly inquired, motioning between them.
Jackie and Hyde looked down at their clasped hands before instantly jumping away from each other.
Hyde did the talking. "Jackie and I were busy looking for Kelso's lost football." He held up the dirty football as evidence, causing Jackie to wrinkle her nose. He then made sure to add, "Oh, and I left Kelso in charge of the kitchen."
Subsequently, as if on cue…
"OH MY GOD! MY KITCHEN'S ON FIRE!" came a loud shriek that sounded very much like Mrs. Forman.
Everyone in the Forman's front yard froze for a second. A second later, they all high-tailed it through the living room and into the kitchen…
"Good God, the kitchen is on fire!" Eric gasped as soon as they made their way onto the scene.
Said scene included…
A horrified Mrs. Forman, who was clutching a large alcohol-filled bag as if it was her lifeline. "My baby carrots! They're ruined!" she cried.
An overly innocent-looking Laurie. "Daddy," she pouted with extreme exaggeration, "this is awful. Look how Eric and his friends have spoiled Thanksgiving. I'm definitely your favorite child, aren't I?"
And an inappropriately excited Kelso, looking as if Christmas had come early. "Dude, the kitchen is totally on fire! This is awesome!"
Silence.
"Kelso…h-how could you set the kitchen on fire?" Eric asked.
"Probably very easily, he has always been hazardous around electronics," Fez explained rationally, looking at the stove where most of the fire was contained.
Kelso's jaw dropped. "Wait…you guys don't think I set the kitchen on fire?"
The expressions on everyone's faces clearly said they did.
"No way! I didn't do it!"
"You do have a history of setting things on fire," Donna pointed out.
"I do not!"
"Kelso, you set the sprinklers off at my wedding reception!"
"And you did say you set the drapes at Brooke's parents' house on fire," Eric added.
"Don't forget setting my house on fire!" Jackie piped up.
"Okay, okay…maybe I do have a history of setting things on fire," Kelso conceded. "But I didn't set the kitchen on fire! I wasn't even in the kitchen! I mean, sure I told Hyde I'd watch the kitchen…but I didn't start the fire! I swear! And I didn't set off the sprinklers at the wedding reception neither! And Jackie's house was a long time ago…"
"You still did it, Michael!" Jackie argued. "Do you have any idea how long my house smelled like burnt liqueur? I had to run around spraying Chanel N°5 everywhere for two weeks!"
After giving Jackie a strange look, Eric followed up by saying, "Look, none of that is really the concern here. The concern is we are all currently standing in a kitchen that is burning down!" He emphasized his point by gesturing to his surroundings in that twitchy manner of his.
"Concern?" Mrs. Forman laughed manically. "Why should anyone be concerned? My kitchen is going up in flames! My perfect Thanksgiving is ruined! I spent all day slaving away trying to make dinner for my ungrateful family and now I have no dinner to serve and my baby carrots are burnt to a crisp!" She continued to laugh. "But why should anyone be concerned? I'M NOT CONCERNED! Ha. Ha. Ha. I have hard alcohol…" She then reached into her alcohol bag.
Silence.
Kelso spoke up, "Look, I didn't do it. Tell them, Hyde. I was with you and Jackie."
Hyde shrugged. "Hey, man. Jackie and I were out looking for your lost football. I don't know what you've been doing since we left you with Laurie."
Fez narrowed his eyes. "You were with Laurie? What were you doing with Laurie?"
"I wasn't with that loser," Laurie bitched before Kelso could respond. "He was slobbering over my boobs and trying to paw at me, and I told him to get lost. The next thing I know, Kelso set the kitchen on fire and Mom's yelling."
"Guys, I'm telling you. I didn't set the kitchen on fire!" Kelso cried.
"Kelso, if you didn't set the fire, who did?" Donna questioned.
"Maybe…maybe it was the flying monkeys!"
"Enough!" yelled Red, who had gone off to get a fire extinguisher, "Why are you all standing around like your waiting for a bus? Why don't one of you dumbasses do something useful like call the fire department?"
Kelso looked thrilled at the prospect. "The fire department? Sweet! I wonder if they'll let me blow the horn again! Maybe this time they'll let me wear one of their hats!"
Silence.
"Dumbass! You set my kitchen on fire! The only thing you'll be wearing is my foot in your ass!" Red barked.
Red immediately followed up the threat by chasing Kelso out of the kitchen.
1 hour and 5 minutes later…
"God, Steven. Our friends are so dumb. They believe everything we say!" Jackie squealed.
"I know, it's almost like taking candy from a baby," Hyde sighed. Then he grinned, "But a hell of a lot more fun."
Jackie paused and looked thoughtful. "Seriously, though, we need to stop setting things on fire."
Hyde grimaced. "I know. We're becoming almost as bad as Kelso."
Suddenly, an awkward silence fell.
Until…
"Why are you such a jackass to me sometimes?" Jackie blurted out.
"It's a gift," Hyde immediately quipped. Sobering slightly, "Look, Jackie. That's just the way things are with us. Are you still wallowing about earlier?"
She looked away from him.
"Like I said at the wedding, you do go around wreaking havoc. But I have to admit, you do it in a very productive way."
She smiled slightly. "You wreak a lot of havoc yourself, Steven."
Hyde grinned. "I know. Isn't it fun?" He held up his beer in salute. "To burning our friends and them being too stupid to realize it. Cheers."
"Cheers," she responded, clinking her Kamikaze glass with his beer before taking a celebratory sip.
"I'm sorry for being a jackass," Hyde said so quietly he wasn't sure she heard him.
She did. Because the reply was…
"Yeah, I'm sorry you're a jackass too."
Hyde smirked, his gaze shifting to the corner-bound Kelso. "You know, it was so easy, I almost feel bad. I think you could get Kelso to do just about anything as long there's a pair of boobs handy."
"Yeah. Follow the boobs…"
"Something wrong?"
"What?" Jackie asked distractedly. "No…nothing's wrong," she insisted, the tone of her voice indicating otherwise. "You know, I think I'm going to make another Kamikaze…"
"Jackie…" Hyde trailed off as he watched her walk away. He was about to go after her when Mrs. Forman made her entrance into the living room.
"The Chinese food is on its way," Mrs. Forman announced with forced cheerfulness. "Of course, they didn't have any baby carrots on the menu but I guess we'll just have to make due." She laughed manically for an awkward stretch of time before stopping. "Excuse me, I'm just going to help myself to more alcohol…"
"Man, I still can't believe Kelso set the kitchen on fire," Eric remarked all of a sudden.
"I DIDN'T DO IT!" Kelso yelped from his stool in the corner of the room.
Everyone acted as if they hadn't heard him…
"I don't know why you're surprised," Donna told Eric, "He set fire to a closet at our wedding reception."
"I DIDN'T DO THAT EITHER!" Kelso cried.
Again, everyone acted as if they hadn't heard him…
"Don't forget about the whole sparkler-drapes debacle. Brooke's parents gotta be thrilled they banned him from the house," Hyde commented.
"I SAID I DIDN'T…" Pause. "Okay, I did do that."
This time, everyone rolled their eyes.
"Look on the bright side," Donna offered. "At least the sprinklers didn't go off around the whole house."
"Ahhh, yes," Eric responded with intended over-exaggeration, "I believe you're referring to our soggy wedding reception. I remember it well."
"Yes, so do I," Fez stated, a dreamy expression taking over his features. "All those women drenched in water running around. I could see through many of their tops. It was an extraordinary evening." He looked thoughtful. "Except for Candy and Mandy. That was the day the Candy and Mandy show ended for Fez. Who knew they wouldn't like getting wet?"
"What do you care about those whores for?" Laurie asked harshly.
"You're one to talk about whores," Jackie accused.
"She is an expert on the subject," Eric easily asserted.
"You know what I remember from the wedding reception?" Donna mused abruptly, shooting Hyde a teasing look he didn't care for. "I remember Hyde getting his groove on with Jackie on the dance floor to—"
"I don't think we should discuss this any further," Hyde snapped.
"Oh, I think we should," Donna argued. "I think we—"
"You know what I think?" Red cut off in a dangerous tone.
Everyone looked at him expectantly.
"I think everybody should SHUT UP so I can watch football!" he finished, turning to the television screen.
Silence.
Then…
"You know, the pants those football players wear look awfully tight. You can especially tell when they bend over in the huddle," Fez commented lightly.
Red didn't bother to hide his disgust. "Good God, can't we ship you back to your own country?"
"Nope. I have a green card, remember?" Fez retorted with a self-satisfied smile.
"Well, green card or not, shut the hell up!" Red insisted. Looking around, he warned, "The next person who speaks is getting a foot up the ass!"
Silence.
Then…
"Somehow, I think everything would have worked out if we had watched A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving," Kelso remarked.
Red threw down the remote and stood up. Pointing at Kelso, "That's it! You're getting a foot up the ass!"
40 minutes later…
"I can't believe I'm being forced to eat this Commie food on Thanksgiving," Red bitterly complained. "You know, I risked my life for this country so I wouldn't have to endure humiliating situations like this."
Everyone sat on the living room floor eating Chinese food (except for Kelso, who had to remain standing—a lingering result of Red's foot in the ass).
"I don't know, Dad. I find the dumplings quite scrumptious," Eric said, carelessly popping one into his mouth. "Plus, I think it's fun eating with chopsticks. It makes me feel cultured and sophisticated," he mumbled with his mouth full, holding up the chopsticks.
"Yeah, I always thought chopsticks were fun," Kelso said with a goofy grin. "I used to stick them up my nose!"
"Uh…Kelso, you didn't play around with the chopsticks when the food arrived, did you?" Donna tentatively asked.
Kelso just shrugged and laughed.
Everyone immediately put down their chopsticks.
"On second thought, nothing beats a fork," Eric amended. "Still, the food is delicious. Much better than some boring old turkey."
Mrs. Forman slammed down her eggroll. "Well, I'm so glad everything worked out for you. I suppose I should be grateful that the 'boring old turkey' I slaved on all day went up in flames so you could enjoy some cheap takeout!"
Twitching under the glare of his parents, "At least we're all together," Eric tried weakly. "That's what matters, right? It's Thanksgiving after all..."
Everyone looked at him like he'd grown an extra head.
Except Donna…
"Eric's right," she supported. "Despite today's…uh…unfortunate events, there's a lot to be thankful for."
"Yeah, like the fact that the house didn't burn completely down," Hyde sarcastically quipped.
Glaring, "There is that," Donna conceded testily, "but I was thinking about how fortunate we are to be surrounded by family and friends." She cleared her throat. "Perhaps we should go around the table and say what we're thankful for?"
Everyone groaned.
"Eric, why don't you go first and tell us what you're thankful for?" Donna prodded.
Her husband did not look thankful for the suggestion. "Uh…uh…I know! I'm thankful for one of the greatest moments of my life…the conclusion of Star Wars. You know, except for the brother-sister thing."
Donna looked annoyed. "That was the greatest moment of your life?"
"Uh oh, Forman. Watch out," Hyde mocked.
Eric cringed under his wife's glare. "O-Of course not," he stuttered. "I said one of the greatest moments. The greatest moment in my life was when I got married. I mean, that even topped the lightsaber battle in Empire Strikes Back between Luke and Darth Vader—"
"Forman, I'd quit while you're ahead…"
Hyde's advice was not heeded. "—Really, that had to have been one of the greatest moments in cinematic history. The effects were amazing. I'd love to ask George Lucas how he did it…" Eric's voice trailed off as he realized how annoyed Donna looked. "But…uh…none of that matters. I'm thankful to have such a beautiful wife…who happens to be very forgiving…isn't she?"
The look Donna gave him made her former annoyance seem affectionate.
Wanting to take the heat off himself, "So, hey, Jackie…what are you thankful for?"
Jackie's gaze curiously drifted to Hyde. "I…uh…"
"Let me guess, you're thankful you're rich so you can indulge yourself buying shoes and other useless materialistic crap," Hyde sarcastically offered, unable to stop himself.
Jackie's expression turned cold. "Of course not," she huffed, "I'm thankful to have a wonderful boyfriend who knows how wonderful I am and treats me—"
"Let me guess…wonderfully?"
"Yes, he does," Jackie continued heatedly, "He's so wonderful that he would never refer to shoes as 'materialistic crap' because he knows how important shoes are to completing an outfit."
"Oh, he does? Is Mr. Wonderful gay then?"
"Hyde, my friend. Don't be ridiculous," Fez admonished, shaking his head. "Having an appreciation for the beauty of footwear is not gay. I appreciate a pair of Valentino high-heels as much as the next guy, but does that make me gay?"
Awkward Silence.
Donna broke the awkwardness. "Right. So, Fez…what are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?"
"Well, I would have been thankful for PEZ," Fez answered. Glaring at Jackie, he bitterly continued, "but someone ruined it for me. I will never be able to look at Mickey Mouse the same way again…"
"Right…uh, Kelso?" Donna attempted a transition. "What are you thankful for?"
"Me? That's easy," Kelso excitedly responded. "I'm thankful I got to wear that fireman's hat when they came to put out the kitchen. I mean, how awesome was that?"
Everyone shook their heads at Kelso's tactlessness.
"You know what I'm thankful for?" Laurie spoke in a falsely innocent voice.
"Edible underwear…?" Jackie provided.
Laurie shot her a look before turning to her father with a grossly sweet smile. "No. I'm thankful I was able to come home and spend Thanksgiving with my family. Daddy, I've missed you. I'm so thankful to have parents that always provide for me—"
"How much money do you want?" Mrs. Forman bit out.
Laurie's smile faltered. "None…that we can't talk about later. Daddy, I just wanted you to know how much you mean to me."
Red fell for the act. "Thanks, pumpkin. You can have a beer if you want to."
Eric gasped. "Hey! How come she gets a beer and I don't?"
"Because her friend didn't burn my kitchen down, and she didn't embarrass herself at football."
"Hey! I can play football! I was just…rusty."
"Forman, you got your ass kicked by Donna," Hyde stated bluntly.
"I did not get my ass kicked." At Hyde's skeptical look, "Well, she never directly kicked my ass. She may have knocked me over…"
"Resulting in you landing on your ass."
"Eric, it doesn't matter," Donna firmly interjected. Then, not giving him a chance to retort, "Mrs. Forman, would you care to share what you're thankful for?"
Mrs. Forman laughed bitterly. "Well, normally, I would be thankful for the food provided…but as my turkey and baby carrots have burnt to a crisp…" She paused. Another bitter laugh. "But that doesn't matter, because I have Jack. Jack Daniels, that is." She picked up the bottle that was next her on the floor. "I'm very thankful for Jack…"
Shifting, Donna directed her attention towards Red. "Mr. Forman…?"
"You're asking me what I'm thankful for?" he asked, sounding both incredulous and annoyed. He put down his fork and looked at her. "Alright, I'll tell you what I'm thankful for. I'm thankful my son and his friends have continuously interrupted my football game with their mindless yapping. I'm thankful my kitchen caught fire, thereby ruining my Thanksgiving dinner. And let's not forget that my son plays football worse than a girl. I think that just about covers what I'm thankful for." Red paused. "Oh, wait," he said, dripping sarcasm, "That's not what I'm thankful for. That's what has driven me to consider murder-suicide after the last several hours."
"That's it!" Eric cried. "I can play football! I was rusty! And I'm going to go prove it! Who's going to play with me?"
Everyone looked around at each other and shrugged.
"Why not? It's always a good time watching Forman get his ass kicked," Hyde said.
"I told you, I didn't get my ass kicked…"
Amid Eric's denials, everyone got up to go play football in the front yard…
Donna turned to Jackie. "Hey, Jackie, are you going to play with us this time?"
Eric acted incredulous. "Jackie? What's she going to do? Give the football beauty advice?"
Jackie's eyes narrowed towards Eric. "Donna, I'd love to play," she announced in a dangerously cheerful voice.
20 minutes later…
Forman's Front Yard
"Alright, dumbass. It's your turn to kick the football," Red addressed his son. "Jackie, why don't you hold the ball?"
A wicked gleam entered Jackie's eyes. "Sure, Mr. Forman. I'd love to hold the ball for Eric," she said, crouching down to take hold of the ball.
Eric held up his hands and backed away. "Oh, hell no! Don't you realize she's evil? She's going to pull the ball away at the last second—just like Lucy!"
"Don't be ridiculous," Jackie scoffed.
"I'm not being ridiculous!" Eric explained, waving his hands about. "I'm being cautious! I know what happens in A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving!"
"Come on, Eric," Jackie taunted. "What's the matter? Afraid?"
"Of course not!"
"Then what's the hold up, Charlie Brown?" Hyde provoked.
"It's just… you're plotting something! I know it!" Eric pointed accusingly towards Jackie.
At this point, everyone had enough of Eric's theatrics…
"Eric, you're holding up the game," Donna noted.
Fez nodded in agreement. "Yes, some of us have other things to do. Like buy more candy since I can no longer eat PEZ…"
"Man, this is lame," Kelso complained, "I wish I was watching A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving."
"Forman, quit being a baby and kick the damn ball," Hyde advised.
"Eric just doesn't know what to do with a ball because he doesn't have any," Laurie taunted.
"Son, this is why you're never going to get a beer," Red informed him.
Jackie looked up at Eric. "C'mon, Eric. I'm not going to do anything. I promise."
Caving under pressure, Eric nodded and gulped. "Alright, here I go…" Eric wound his leg back and went to kick the ball…
Jackie made eye contact with Hyde…
Hyde smirked back, knowing what was coming…
"Whoa! That was better than A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving!" hollered a thrilled Kelso the second after Eric landed flat on his back, having swiped the air when Jackie pulled the ball away at the last second.
***END FLASHBACK***
"Hey, Hyde. Where've you been, man?" Hyde heard Eric ask, recognizing his twitchy friend's hand waving in front of his face.
Hyde shook out of his trance. Crap. He'd spaced out. "Just thinking about last Thanksgiving, Charlie Brown."
Eric immediately frowned. "That's not funny, Hyde."
"I beg to differ," Fez argued. "You flying in the air and landing on your ass was extremely entertaining."
"Yeah, that was a good burn!" Kelso emphasized. "Jackie pulled the ball away just like Lucy in A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving."
Hyde just had to ask, "Seriously, man. How did you not see that coming?"
Eric made a face. "I don't understand why that's what everyone remembers. I seem to remember Kelso burning down the kitchen…"
"What's it going to take for people to believe I DIDN'T do it?"
Ignoring Kelso, Hyde responded, "Yeah, but Kelso wasn't twitching around on the ground moaning 'Help! I broke my ass!' in a high-pitched, girly voice."
"What can I say? Jackie's an evil bitch." Eric shook his head. "I don't know what you guys saw in her. Clearly, I was the only one sane enough not to date her."
"Oh, she's an evil bitch," Fez confirmed matter-of-factly. "But that does not change the fact that she's hot."
Kelso nodded enthusiastically. "Seriously hot, dude. I'm still hoping I can get her away from that boyfriend of hers so I can talk her into doing it. I'd only need, like, a few minutes."
"Hyde…?" Eric implored.
Hyde shrugged. "She's hot, man. What can I say?" What could he say?
Eric sighed. "Well, I don't imagine it matters much. According to Donna, things with that wonderful boyfriend of hers have gotten pretty serious. He asked her to move in with him."
Hyde gave Eric a sharp look at the news.
"Jackie is lucky to have a rich, good-looking boyfriend—although we do not yet know if he is as foxy as Richard Dawson. If I had a boyfriend like that, imagine all the candy I could buy," Fez remarked. Ignoring any strange looks, the foreign man sighed wistfully. "It is too bad he is not the love of her life."
Hyde focused sternly on Fez. "What are you talking about?"
"What I said," Fez answered haughtily. "He is not the love of Jackie's life. Neither am I, for that matter. Such a pity. That is why she broke up with me."
Hyde couldn't help but think Fez was full of crap.
"Fez. I'm telling you, man. She broke up with you because you walk better in high-heels than she does."
Eric whipped his head around. "Wait. Fez can walk in high-heels?"
Hyde grinned as Fez frowned. "Yeah. Red sparkly ones by the sound of it."
"Like in The Wizard of Oz?" Kelso yelped in delight. "I love that movie! Except for the flying monkeys…"
Eric was still hung up on the heels. "Fez can walk in high-heels?" he echoed again.
"That's not the reason," Fez snapped, glaring mutinously at Hyde. "She broke up with me because I'm not the love of her life."
"Wanna bet?"
"Bet…?"
"Yeah, bet on what Jackie's real reason was for breaking up with you," Hyde clarified.
"What are the terms?"
With a smirk, he answered, "Loser walks naked through the Forman's living room…wearing high-heels."
"Why should I agree?"
"Why not…?"
Fez narrowed his eyes. "If you lose, you'll walk naked through the Forman's living room wearing high-heels?"
"If I lose." Hyde paused. "What's the matter? You chicken?"
Fez sat straight up. "You're on."
"Oh, man. This is gonna be good!" Kelso exclaimed.
Hyde grinned. He was not going to lose. All that love of Jackie's life stuff was nonsense…right?
3 hours later…
Grooves Record Store
Hyde was perfectly content to mind his own business as he sorted through his new shipment of records.
His contentment was shattered a moment later as Donna entered the store with a look that said she would not be minding her own business.
"Hey, Hyde," the troublesome redhead greeted.
Hyde managed a grunt in response.
"Talkative, huh?" Donna teased. "That's okay. I just got off the phone. Got some news I thought you'd be interested to hear."
Hyde gave her a skeptical glance as he continued to sort his records. "Unless you're here to inform me that a car that runs on water has been discovered, I'm not interested."
"It's about Jackie."
Hyde paused for a moment before continuing on his sorting mission. "Well, then I'm definitely not interested."
"Really? How come I don't believe you?" Her lips curled. "Maybe it has something to do with the fact that when I came into the shop the other day you were listening to ABBA's Dancing Queen?"
"Yeah, well, I have a new appreciation for ABBA since eighties music has taken sucking to a whole new level…"
"And I'm sure that appreciation had nothing to do with your dancing with Jackie to that song at my wedding?"
Hyde slammed down one of the records he was sorting. "Look, Donna. I don't know what you've got going on in that overly imaginative head of yours, but get this straight. I don't care about Jackie. Any kind of relationship we had was over a long time ago. I don't care what she had to say on the phone."
"Good. Then you won't be bothered when I tell you it wasn't Jackie I was talking to on the phone. It was Rick."
"Rick…?"
"You know…Jackie's wonderfully wonderful boyfriend."
Hyde tried to keep his face blank. "Just what was Mr. Wonderful calling you for?"
"To tell me he plans to propose to Jackie the day after Christmas."
Hyde froze.
The moment Donna insinuated Jackie might get engaged, something funky began twisting in Hyde's insides. And whatever that something funky was, he didn't like it. Not one bit. Maybe because if he decided to examine that "something funky" he might find it had something to do with Jackie…
Nah.
It was most likely indigestion, Hyde decided. He had some tuna earlier that could definitely qualify as "something funky." So the current gnawing on his insides that left him wanting to hurl had nothing to do with Jackie.
Nothing at all.
Hyde blinked suddenly, realizing that his "funky" contemplations had rendered him silent, leaving Donna to shrewdly scrutinize his every expression.
It was a good thing he never showed any expression then. "Whatever," he said in reference to Donna's news.
"Whatever?" Donna questioned, raising a skeptic eyebrow. "You mean, you don't care if Jackie gets married?"
"It's cool."
"Really? Well, if it's so cool how come you just snapped that Jimi Hendrix record in half?"
Hyde looked down at the record in his hands and was startled to realize that he had snapped the Jimi Hendrix record in half.
Damn. That was a good record too.
Donna folded her arms, taking on a smug expression Hyde didn't like one bit.
"I-I did that on purpose," Hyde insisted, trying not to wince at the fact that he sounded a lot like Kelso during the debacle that was his flying monkey story. "Jimi Hendrix is overrated anyway," he lied.
And she knew he lied too.
"Really, Donna. I'm cool with it," he maintained.
She smiled. "Great! Since you're cool with it, you won't mind coming to pick up Jackie and her future fiancé at the airport with the rest of the gang."
"Actually, I've got some other things I'd rather do."
"Like break some more Jimi Hendrix records?"
Hyde glared at her. "Actually, I was planning to smash all the copies of Gary Wright's Dreamweaver later."
Donna's smug expression didn't waver. "Hyde, I see no reason why you shouldn't want to go to the airport with us. Unless you're not really cool with Jackie marrying Mr. Wonderful…?"
Crap. He'd just been duped by an overly tall, overly pushy redhead.
"Of course I'm cool with it. I'm too cool for the airport is the problem." He sighed in defeat. "But since you losers will likely turn into complete pansies without me, I'll go." He paused. "But we better not be holding up any corny signs that say 'Welcome Home Jackie' or anything like that."
The red-headed vixen had the nerve to grin triumphantly. "Awesome! Be at the Forman's by eight in the morning. Kelso is gonna pick us up in his new van." Then, without further ado, Donna turned and exited the shop.
Man, Donna seemed more agreeable when she was a blonde. Perhaps he should try and get Forman to persuade his manipulative wife to dye it again?
Hyde sighed. What was he going to do now?
He looked towards his record player, which currently held ABBA's Dancing Queen…
It really wasn't as bad as the so-called "music" of the eighties.
Saturday, December 22nd, 1984
Kenosha, Wisconsin
Kenosha Regional Airport
The van ride to the airport had not been worth the aggravation.
Kelso had nearly killed them all when he abruptly made an illegal U-Turn to chase down some hot chick walking down a sidewalk to graciously ask her if she wanted to "go somewhere and do it because, seriously, you have an awesome rack." It came to no one's surprise (except Kelso's) that she'd said no.
As if it wasn't bad enough that Kelso's overactive libido brought them near death, Fez insisted on making the trip even more miserable by stopping at almost every convenience store along the way so he could buy more candy. Soon enough, he had collected a small mountain of candy.
Much to Fez's dismay, Donna ate more of Fez's candy than he did—thus leading to an all-out brawl between the little foreign man and the large redhead.
Somehow not surprisingly, Eric got caught in the crossfire of the candy battle when a large candy bag flew into his nose ("Oh! My nose!" he cried, much like Marcia Brady), which promptly started bleeding. Hyde then had the displeasure of listening to Eric whine the rest of the way to the airport.
No, the van ride had not been worth the aggravation.
Following said thoroughly aggravating van ride, the gang arrived at the airport and found themselves at the gate waiting for Jackie to grace them with her high and mighty presence...
"Dude, I hope Jackie likes my sign!" Kelso bellowed, holding up a large cardboard sign that read "WELLCOME HOME JACKIE" written in what could have been a second graders handwriting.
Donna frowned. "Uh, Kelso…'Welcome' is only supposed to have one 'L' in it," she tentatively pointed out.
Kelso looked at his sign. "No! Really? But I've been spelling it that way for ages!" He then looked at Donna and laughed. "Oh, I get! You're yanking my chain!" He shook his head. "Only one 'L.' You're such a jokester, Donna!"
Donna rolled her eyes.
"What's that green blob on the sign supposed to be?" Eric asked Kelso. "It looks like the pot leaf on the water tower that looks like it's giving the finger."
"It is supposed to be a pot leaf on the water tower," Kelso answered. "I wanted Jackie to feel at home."
"In other words, you wanted to give Jackie the finger right after she walks off the plane…?"
"Kind of appropriate, given three of her ex-boyfriends are greeting her," Hyde mused.
"Forget about the sign," Fez said. "She is going to love this box of candy I bought her." He popped a piece of candy in his mouth and looked down at the box. "But…uh…hopefully she does not mind if some is missing…"
"I can't wait to see this wonderful boyfriend of hers," Donna remarked.
"I highly doubt Mr. Wonderful is going to be all that wonderful," Hyde scoffed. "I mean, if he's so wonderful, what's he doing with Jackie?"
Donna gave him a knowing smile. "I don't know, Hyde. Why don't you think about that?"
Hyde frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"
But Donna was no longer listening to him. She was back to accosting Fez over his candy.
"C'mon, Fez! What do you need so much candy for anyway?"
"Get away from my candy, you redheaded beast!" came the reply.
Eric backed away from the fray. "Just keep your candy away from my nose! Oh, crap…it started bleeding again!"
"Hey! Don't bleed on my sign! I worked really hard on that!" Kelso hollered.
Hyde sighed. He really shouldn't have come. He was way too cool for these people.
And what about Jackie? What was the big fuss about? And what was up with Donna and those smug smiles of hers? She had to be suffering brain damage if she thought he cared about Jackie coming back…
Because he didn't.
He. did. not. care.
"FLIGHT 278 FROM JFK AIRPORT IS NOW DEBOARDING…"
Crap.
Jackie was back.
Any second now, she would walk off the plane…
Coming Up in Chapter 4: After a not-so-welcome homecoming (involving blood, candy, and a broken shoe), Jackie and Hyde find themselves engaged in a battle of awkward silence. The battles proves fruitless, however, when fate (a.k.a. the weather) intervenes, leading Jackie and Hyde to an emotional confrontation. Plus, find out what happened during Jackie and Hyde's disco at Eric and Donna's wedding!
Story Facts: Mace & other aerosol weapons contain a small amount of active agent and can be flammable when mixed with other products. Whether it could actually set Mrs. Forman's kitchen on fire, I don't know (but for the sake of the story, let's pretend). Also, the Lions beat the Steelers 45-3 on Thanksgiving 1983 (Ouch!).
A/N: Finally! You have no idea how relieved I am to get this chapter up. There was a period of time where I thought I was never going to be able to finish this story because I was never going to finish this chapter. But it's here & I do hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for daring to read my super long chapter & special thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far—I love hearing what you think! The next chapter has a lot of crazy stuff in it, but there's also some important J/H breakthroughs—so stay tuned!
Thanks for reading! Reviews are appreciated!
