Zombie Apocalypse
An Adam Wesker Crackfic/parody
Chapter 3: Love, Blood, and Ninjas
"BLACK POWER!" Said Nirali and Cepok in unison, then they made out for the 23th time in 5 minutes
"I'm so sorry that I hooked them up." Said Adam while he held his head
"I don't see what's so bad about them as an item." Said Monica
"Yeah, they're pretty cute together." Agreed Lauren
"It's not that," Explained Adam, "It's that now he'll never be a free man again."
"What? He looks happier than ever." Commented Monica
"Yeah, it's not like he's married." Said Rob
Adam shook his head, "And he probably won't do as much work either."
"Well if you and your virus ass want-"said Lauren
"My virus ass?" said Adam with a smile, "Since when are you interested in my ass?"
"I never said that, I was simply referring to your loss of humanity since Wesker gave you that virus-"
"AIDs?" interrupted Seamus
Adam pulled out his shotgun, "Seamus, I'm going to count to three."
"Yeah." Replied a clueless Seamus
"Once I get to three, are you listening?" Adam asked as Seamus started to pick his nose out of boredom
"Yeah."
"Okay, once I get to three," Explained Adam, "I'm going to start shooting you."
"Got it."
"And I'm not going to stop shooting until there's nothing left of you but red mush."
"Checkmate!" yelled Seamus
Adam's eyes grew red, "HAVE YOU EVEN BEEN LISTENING?"
"Of course, you put the sugar in to the oven and then you-"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Adam pulled out his shotgun, "THREE!"
Before Adam annihilated this fic's only comic relief, a loud scream pierced everyone's ears. Nirali and Cepok stopped kissing, Lauren stopped poking Robert, Monica stopped…whatever Monica does in her free time, Adam stopped threatening Seamus, and Seamus stopped being emo/suicidal.
"What the?"
"Who was that?"
"That sounded like a girl!" exclaimed Monica; we can finally even the genders.
They all walked up to the window, except Cepok and Nirali; who had resumed kissing.
"Who…is that?" Asked Robert
The person that they were looking at was a girl dressed in black clothing, she had two ninjatos on her back. She was surrounded by several zombies; with a flick of her wrist she threw several shuriken at the zombies, each hitting their mark.
"Hmm" said Adam, She seems talented; perhaps she could become an ally.
Then a 7 foot tall zombie with a giant claw on one hand ran at the girl, she skillfully dodged the attack and drew her ninjatos.
Adam put on a pair of sunglasses and turned to look at everyone.
"Oh no, you are not going out there to rescue her." Said Rob
"Too late." Said Seamus as he pointed at Adam, who had used his teleporting trick to appear outside.
"Damn it, you're going to get yourself killed." Said Lauren
"Hey don't sweat it, we're betraying him anyway." Reassured Monica
"Oh yeah."
Adam ran towards the giant and punched it in the stomach which, thanks to his virus given super-strength, sent it to the ground.
"Hi I'm Adam, and you are?" Said Adam, addressing the stranger
"Great, now these things talk too." Replied the girl as she stabbed the giant in the head
"Nice sword you've got there, were did you get it?"
The girl simply took a swing at Adam, who dodged matrix style: by bending backwards until he was parallel with the ground.
"OW, my back!" cried Adam as he wasn't able to get back to a normal position
"Wait a sec, zombies don't have back problems." Said the Girl, "I guess you aren't one of them after all."
She put her swords away, "I'm Becky, and you are?"
"Becky!" exclaimed Adam, "It's me, Adam!"
She looked surprised, "Oh, your ego looks bigger than it did before so I didn't recognize you."
"Yeah, that's great, now could you be so kind as to help me with this." Replied Adam, who was still stuck in the same position
Becky walked over and kicked Adam's back.
"OW!" cried Adam, "That feels…better."
They walked towards the window and Adam put his hand onto Becky's shoulder.
"What are you-"
They teleported inside.
"What the fuck just happened?" asked Becky
"Oh yeah, I got this virus-"
"AIDs?" asked Becky
Adam held back a scream of rage and frustration.
"No, the W-virus, it gives me powers, like super-strength, teleporting and a better ass."
"Did you get it by smoking a hamster?" asked Becky in a serious tone
"Eh?" Adam's eyes turned purple
"'Sup with your eyes?" asked Becky
"Um, Becky?" Said Lauren, "come here for a sec."
Becky walked over, "What is it?"
"He'll kill you, literally." Explained Lauren
"I'd like to see him try."
"I'm serious!"
"So am I."
Ω
"What is it Robert?"
"Dude, that chick's hot." Stated Robert
"Okay, anything else?" said a very bored Adam
"What, you don't…wanna talk about her?" said a surprised Robert
"So she's attractive, what do you want me to say?"
"But this is what guys talk about!" Explained Robert
Adam was silent
"Are you even human anymore?"
"What, just because I don't want to talk about an attractive girl you think I'm not human?"
"…"
"Well sure I'm not human anymore, but look at the power I've gained!"
Robert contemplated it for a second, "That was totally not relevant."
Adam drew his shotgun
Robert looked un-afraid, "Is that all you can do?"
"N-no, I can do stuff!" nervously said Adam as he put the gun away
Across the room Seamus was listening in, "Mmmm, I bet you can do stuff…"
Adam teleported to Seamus and picked him off the ground by his ponytail.
"Never…say that…again." Said Adam before he dropped Seamus back down
