Welcome to an additional chapter of 'Stardom'! Due to popular demand, this amazing epic will continue. You're in for even more treats! The thrills, chills and spills will shock you! The action will blow you out of the water! The excitement will keep you on the edge of your seat! Hold onto the seat of your pants, good friends, because this is a ride unlike any other!
As you probably know, this tale will be told through Captain Falcon's eyes.
This project is not meant to throw poisonous darts at any author. While I have an increasingly strong dislike for this fandom, I do not wish to stomp all over anyone's name. Please understand that.
Ahem ahem ahem. Welcome to an additional chapter of 'Stardom'! Due to popular demand-
Wait a minute. All that disclaimer stuff's already been done. Sorry about that.
Anyways, did you guys pick up your copy of Resident Evil 5? Man, I sure did, and was that game awesome! The action was intense! Stupefying! Hypnotizing! I was, like, surrounded by all of these demons and stuff, and my partner tried to help! But she couldn't, cuz, she was like, out of ammo and stuff. Dude, I stayed up all night working through the intro! It took me an hour to learn how to shoot! No wonder the zombie guys kept on massacring me! I bet my partner didn't like me too much! Man, she's probably still pissed off at me. I mean, who wouldn't be? I kinda had her sliced up by the zombie thingies a few times. I know she's probably dead and stuff, but she can haunt me.
Children, now that I'm no longer playing my ultra-awesome RE5, I am no longer Captain Falcon. I am now-drum roll please-Chris Redfield! Stand in awe of my awesome fury!
Pushing that aside, I shall present to you my third day of work. Popular demand demanded me to create a longer guide for the aspiring Smash author, and I listened to those demands. Now you shall reap the benefits of my work! Watch, as my dearest of dear friends work out the fruit of my labor. Aspiring writers, pay close attention! The show of your lives is about to unfold! Make sure you've got the popcorn you need, and take notes! After this, you'll be able to write the greatest Smash fic in the history of history!
Ahem ahem ahem. Before I pull up the curtain, allow me to rehash what has already been shared. Keep your eyes on the notes, kiddies!
Captain Falcon's Guide for the Aspiring Smash Author!
1) Pay close attention to trends. Lately, the Ike/Marth trend has been immensely popular. The previous trend was Ike/Pit. Falcon predicts that the Ike/Link trend will follow.
2) Unless it concerns Ike, stay away from yaoi all together. You'll be able to amass a LOT of popularity that way!
3) An Ike/Marth is only three chapters long, but it has thirty reviews. That strengthens Falcon's first two points.
4) No one gives a crap about Snake-unless he's paired with Zero Suit Samus. Otherwise, a writer may as well write about the Mewtwo/Toad pairing. A few authors care dearly for him, but they're in painful minority. One would have better luck writing a Peach/Lucario story. One should not focus their tales on Snake, unless he hooks up with Samus. They'll have better luck sprouting wings.
5) Summaries have become all too common, and suffer from the absence of innovation. Check out the first two pages for proof. If one wishes to create a successful Smash epic, their summary must be somewhere along these lines: 'Smashers battle in a lot of tournament thingies', 'Smashers are thrown in a room', 'an original character is thrown into the Smash world', or 'Smashers end up in a chatroom'.
There. I think that's pretty much it. Now, pay close attention to the tale at hand! I promise you, you'll have the wicked awesomest time of your freakin' life!
Once upon a time, a bunch of people gathered in a house to do different things. There's a spin on this, so watch out. The bunch of people weren't thrown into the Smash Manor/Castle/House. Instead, they were transported to a place called Croft Manor. As far as they knew, some woman named Lara owned it. She also owned a lot of trophies, and told a lot of stories about tombs, but none of that was important. They all had one thing on their minds, and it was their destiny. They were destined to fight! Destined to duke it out for all things Smash! Destined to-
"Die from an over-exposure to stupidity," Samus snarled, sneering at her script. "Are we serious about this? I mean, come on! If people want to write crap about us, let'em! There's no hope for humanity anyways! Do we seriously have to put ourselves through this?"
"Too late to back out now," Snake put in, scanning through his script. "And I'm a little lost. If we're supposed to be married, how come I'm not supposed to be here?"
Sonic crumbled his script, then pointed at the mercenary's. "It says you're not popular enough to exist," he explained while nodding. "So, according to ol' Falcon, you're supposed to be married but absent. Samus is higher on the pop scale 'cause she's got bigger boobs, according to Fal's report."
"Don't forget the sexy, tight suit and flowing yellow hair," Wolf grumbled, throwing the pages of his script into the air. "No worries, Snake. None of the Mario brothers are here either. Hang out with them. Or you could always hang with Li. Your choice."
Link, while scrolling through the pages of his script, walked into their living room. "Wait a minute," he said, meticulously absorbing each detail. "I'm supposed to pick up my fairy, find the three Sacred Stones, go to the Temple of Time and...why does this sound like 'Ocarina of Time'?"
Fox looked over his shoulder. "Keep reading, Hero of Time. You're supposed to meet up with Zelda at some point. Make sense?"
"Oh Great Deku Tree, why must there be a curse on thee? Why must the Evil King Ganondorf be so cruel to thee?! What did thee do to deserve such wicked punishment, oh Great Deku Tree?!"
"Navi! Not yet!"
"Oops. Sorry, my beloved Linky poo," a tiny fairy whimpered, nuzzling Link's cheek. "When can I see you? I've missed you so much! I can't bear five minutes without you!"
"The script says I don't meet you for another two hours. And apparently you could live without me, because you broke up with me after I saved Hyrule from Ganondorf!"
"You were busy with Zelda! How did you expect me to act?! I loved you, Link! I was always with you! That floozy offered you nothing!"
"We had to summon the Sages together! You got yourself blasted by Ganondorf's magic!"
"I did the best I could! I'm just a fairy, not a big chested bimbo!"
"Why am I paired with these pansies, and Snake's paired off with some hot babe named Leon?" Ike grumbled, burning his script with his eyes. "He shouldn't be complaining. At least he gets to snatch up an amazingly hot officer. I'm stuck with Marth! Apparently, it was either him or Pit!"
"If you two are paired together," the amazingly adorable Pit began, tilting his head. And everyone around him died from a cavity epidemic. Well, they should have, but cavities weren't fatal things. "Who am I with? I've always been with Ike!"
Peach, dressed as Queen Amidala for an unknown reason, looked through her script while humming. Birds, resting on her arms, hummed with her. "Let me see. Pit, you're...with...oh! The three of you are in a love triangle!"
Samus rolled her eyes. "What a shock. Well, I'm officially bored. And why are you dressed like a Star Wars fangirl?"
The princess shrugged. "Beats me. Falcon requested it!"
"Don't tell me you're paired with him. If the two of you are diving into Star Wars fantasies, the rating of this play is going to sky-rocket. This won't be kid-friendly."
"According to what I have here, I'm supposed to be in my own love triangle," Fox declared. "I don't think the public knows who to pair me off with. Father never told me I'd have this much trouble falling in love."
Sonic threw his hands up. "Sheesh! How many love triangles are in here?! And where's Satoshi?!"
"He wasn't popular enough to be here," Link growled, livid over a certain argument. "He fell of the scale by a few points. He probably met up with Snake and the others."
"I don't think so. I think Snake went off to play with his new love dove," Ike growled, face glowing with hatred. "I would. He doesn't have to be here. And have any of you seen Leon? I'd give Crimea to have five minutes with him."
"A little eager to quench your appetite, are we?" Samus asked, grinning mischievously. Ike looked fit to burst.
"You can say that again."
"Oh, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Even though the sound of it
Is something quite atrocious
If you say it loud enough
You'll always sound precocious
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!"
"I didn't know Kirby could sing!" the incredibly, sugary sweet Pit cried out, clasping his hands to his face. Link gave him a warm smile. Both of them watched a parade of Kirbies roll through the living room, singing a rather bizarre melody.
"I didn't either. And I thought he fell off the scale too? Nobody writes about him."
Sonic spoke next. "They don't. Falcon thought he was just too cute to be left out."
"Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
So when the cat has got your tongue
There's no need for dismay
Just summon up this word
And then you've got a lot to say
But better use it carefully
Or it may change your life
One night I said it to me girl
And now me girl's my wife!"
"Ooooh, supercalifragilistc-"
"Don't you start," Marth ordered, giving Fox's ribs a playful punch. "You'll hypnotize us all! It's bad enough having those cretins sing it! And for your information, Ike, I don't enjoy being trapped with you either!"
"I never meant any offense," Ike snapped, folding his arms. "You're not responsible for any of this. I would just like a breath of fresh air. Having a certain someone take me by force wouldn't be too bad of an idea, either."
"Sorry, but a Snake/Leon/Ike threeway isn't in the script," Samus put out there, nodding. "And I don't think it would work in your favor."
"Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay-"
"Fox! Must I tell you to halt your stupidity once more?"
"Zelda! What are you doing here?! You're supposed to be in Hyrule, waiting for me!"
"I do apologize, Link, but I have a few dilemmas with my role. I'm not in the mood to repeat several weeks of my hideously boring life, I'm afraid I've fallen in love with a handsome traveler, and that song is about to drive me insane! What are they singing?!"
Fox gave her a luminous grin. "It's supercalifragilistic-ow! Marth!"
"Its okay, Zelda. Link's cheating on you anyway," Navi said comfortingly, nuzzling the sovereign's cheek. "He's hitting on Pit."
"What? Are you serious?"
Link, with a furious sigh, threw his hands into the air. "Navi, if you want to end everything, just tell me. Right here, right now. No need to be cowardly!"
"Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
Um diddle diddle diddle um diddle ay
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!"
"Hey, um...can I, like, go Super Sonic on the Kirby Squad? That song's kinda annoying..."
"Okay, I'm officially lost," Samus moaned, slumping against a wall. "How am I supposed to talk to Snake if he's not here? Did that idiot Falcon write the script?"
At that point, the Smashers were confronted by their ultimate destiny! They were confronted by the choice of their lives! They were confronted by the amazingly, brilliantly hot Lara Croft!
Lara (no longer a Triple D, as she was in previous years) strolled into the living room of her manor. Just like the manor, she was incredibly sexy. Hey, now that I think of it, she could be paired with Snake! There could be a Lara/Snake/Samus love triangle! Yes! Chris Redfield is a genius!
"Hello guests. Welcome to my incredibly sexy manor. I am the incredibly sexy Lara Croft, as you've probably noticed."
"What are we doing today, Miss Croft?" the adorable Pit squealed, clapping his hands together. Nobody else noticed it, but Link had him by the arm.
"We're going to take a ride in my super sexy helicopter. Whee!"
"Yay! Our ride will be supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!" Fox sang, joining hands with Lara. And together the two jumped around, rather happily. Lara did a bit more bouncing. Bwee hee hee.
Samus turned to Sonic. "Can I kill my contract?"
"Sure. Why not? Master Hand won't mind. I should probably axe mine, too. I've got a sword to find! Oh, and then I've got to transform into some type of were-wolf thing. Chili dogs aren't the only thing on plate!"
"I know Master Hand won't mind," Ike put in angrily, glaring at the world. "Snake ran off with a Resident Evil officer. He's perfectly happy. So why would Master Hand care?"
Samus beamed at him. "I think I know why you're so cranky now," she announced cheekily. Sonic nudged her in the ribs, giving her a wink.
And the rest of their day was supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
The 'Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious' song hails from the Mary Poppins film.
Throughout this part of the tale, Link, Zelda and Navi made references to the 'Ocarina of Time' plot. Could you spot them? XD
Li is my nickname for Toon Link. XD
Queen Amidala is a renowned character of the Star Wars series. Leon is the protagonist of Resident Evil 4, and Snake's one true love. XD Chris Redfield isn't Captain Falcon, just so you know. He is himself, and he stars in Resident Evil 5. Falcon's introduction was actually inspired by my first venture into RE5, which occurred this morning. XD
Unless supplementary positive feedback is received, this will be the end of Captain Falcon's work. I thank you all for enjoying this labor of love! I enjoyed writing this immensely!
To a certain angel: Thank you. Without you, I would not have found new heights. I would not have written THIS, first off, still trapped in...well, labor without love. Thank you for introducing me to experiences that are truly rewarding, invigorating and just FUN.
