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Since they got back home a week ago, she spends her days doing research. The kind of research she would have done while pregnant and probably anxious about every little thing, even though Castle would have been there to whisper his love and reassurance in her ear, a hand lying and stroking above their child. It went from looking at what the fetus look like at different stages of the pregnancy, to how to calm morning sickness – though, that one was just pure curiosity – to what her belly should've looked like. She thoughtfully presses a hand there, trying to picture how she would have felt about it. How Castle would have looked at her, touched her. Would he have been more gentle, conscious of the growing life she carried, or would have he been more possessive and protective. Perhaps all of the above?

She likes to think that she would have loved it – being pregnant. With his baby.

Yet, she knows they would have both been constantly on the edge with Loksat still out there, a real threat for their lives -for their baby's. She can't even begin to imagine waking up from surgery only to find out about her baby being dead, killed by a bullet, before even being born.

Because of her. Always because of her.

She also knows she wouldn't have survived it; their relationship wouldn't have survived it.

She shakes her head, her fingers running on the tactile pad to rouse the laptop, no need to dwell onto something that didn't happen. No – what happened was a true miracle, and she's never been so grateful, she needs to focus on that. Smiling tiredly, she turns her head toward the bassinet just beside their bed where she's sitting crossed-legged, gazes at the sleeping baby.

Neither could bring themselves to let her sleep in her room.

Him, because he states that they're in no condition to walk up and down the stairs all night, but she knows he also wants her close.
Her, mostly because of some complementary research she's done about newborn and premature babies and all the difficulties it sometimes brings along.

She's had nightmares about finding her baby lifeless in her crib.

"Welcome to motherhood!" Castle had said, not in the least helping her to fight the fear that had resided in her stomach, making her nauseous for days.

But she knows what to look for and what to do now, she has a long list etched in her brain.

She isn't a hard baby, granted, she wakes more than she should but they were warned of that. Just the result of having to be constantly woken up for a feed or check up, it would take longer than average for her to find the right rhythm.

The harder part is managing to take care of her when they're both at their lowest. PT is hard on Castle, she sees how exhausted and drained out he is when he's back from a session, even though he tries to put on a brave face and be there for them. She knows what it feels like, and yet he manages so much better than she had.

Shutting the laptop closed, she lays it down on the floor to let herself relax and enjoy the silence as Castle gently snores next to her, taking a very well deserved nap.

Like father like daughter.

The issue for her is nothing physical, sure, she is not even near to being at her usual top, but her shoulder barely even hurts anymore, the stitches long gone. However, the weight of responsibility and guilt that overcomes her every time she takes a look at her daughter, or looks at her husband struggling to hold their baby girl, or at the kitchen floor still painted in blood, won't go away, won't stop nibbling at her brain, making her edgy and tense.

It's slowly getting better, though. She tries to tell herself there is no way she could have known, that ignoring her wasn't a conscious choice. Still, she still feels betrayed by herself, still doesn't trust herself to do things right. Constantly scared to mess something up.

But he helps.

"Hey, what'u doin'," she hears him slur, his face smashed against his cushion, looking up at her with glassy, still not focused eyes.

Smiling tightly, she brushes a hand over the strand of hair falling over his forehead. "Just thinking."

"Thinking too loud," he grumbles, a yawn making him slightly wince.

"Am I?" She laughed, disbelieving, an amused smile flirting with her lips.

"Yup, 'Woke me," he hummed, rubbing his face further into the sleek brown fabric as his eyes flutter shut once again, although she knows he's not under yet.

She falls quiet, lets him decide if he wants to fall back asleep or eventually come back to her fully.

However, the baby seems to decide for him anyway as she starts whimpering, not quite full on crying, but still pitiful and loud enough to make a point.

"Stay put, babe. I'll take her with me in the living room to feed her so you can rest."

She starts throwing her legs out of the bed to stand when she feels fingers gripping her arm.

"No," he groans, the sheet rustling as he slowly drags himself to a seat, back resting heavily against the headboard. "Just go fetch a bottle, I'll hold her."

"Ah, Castle- I"

"No," he interrupts firmly, eyes intend on her. The way he stares at her almost prevents her from looking away, lets her no room to argue. "You're not supposed to do this alone. You once told me you wouldn't let me take care of our baby on my own. Well, it goes both ways, just hand her to me before she really starts getting upset."

She nods breaking from his hold to let her eyes travel the room with a sigh. She walks to the crib at her side and gently slides her hands under the baby's head and body, bringing her close. Stepping back towards Castle, she presses her lips against the girl's thin hair with a low hum, soothing.

"Hey, look at me," he rumbles, taking the girl with ease and cradling her where she knows it won't hurt – much. "I know you think you owe us a debt, her mostly, and I know what you've been doing. But Kat-"

"Yes, I know. It's not my fault."

"It's not. She's fine, Kate." He smiles up at her, the love shining bright in his eyes as a hand brushes over the tiny wriggling feet. "She's great."

Nodding, she takes the hand he then holds out, giving it a firm squeeze.

She would come to a place where she'd be able to believe it, she would.

She just doesn't know when exactly.


They decided together to name her Lily.

It's strange, she thinks, that he didn't even try odd, embarrassing names just to pick at her. That's not where they are yet, everything is still so fresh. She misses what they used to be, and she knows that she's the one shutting him out, or more accurately, shutting herself out. She doesn't mean to do it, she just spaces out from time to time, or gets too worried and self-conscious to let herself relax and he senses it. Even though he often tries to light up the mood, he doesn't push if he sees she's not receptive to it. He just holds her against him with his lips against her temples, gently swaying until he feels her limbs give out.

Lily.

She's not sure which came up with the name first, nor where it came from. She knows she loves Lilies and she remembers them being her mom's favorite. But other than that? She doesn't know. Though, she's a hundred percent sure it fits her perfectly. She's their glowing little flowers, who they somehow made unknowingly and who she unconsciously grew inside. She certainly didn't get enough of what she needed to grow out as she should have but she's now blossoming before their eyes, amazing them each day a little bit more. She will make sure she would never lack anything, especially not her parents - never.

Looking at herself in the mirror, she slowly shakes her head.

"Beckett ?" she hears her husband yell, probably from the kitchen.

"Coming."

Giving a last slight touch to her makeup, she fixes her hair in a messy bun before stepping out of the bathroom and walking to the living room, immediately reaching in the crib to get her baby. Holding her front to her chest, she carefully rests a hand over her little neck and head as she heads to where Castle is dancing around the kitchen almost with his usual ease, his movements barely strained.

"When is everyone supposed to be here ?" he asks, shooting her a look in between two stirrings and before taking a look at the oven.

"I think we settled on five? I didn't want them to stay too late, so-"

"Hey, five's perfect. Just enough for me to finish here and perhaps take a short nap? If you can watch her for a little while." He cuts the burners to let the bolognese sauce rest on the side, then focuses back on her. She sees him watch the way the girl kicks at her abdomen with a strength she rarely has displayed before, her head turning to the side as she pulls out her tongue eyes wide, openly staring at her father.

Kate huffs a laugh, turning to look at Castle. "She's so awake today, I've never seen her so vibrant."

She watches as he rounds the counter to stand before her, hands bracketing her hips as he looks down. "Told you she'd be fine. Next thing you know, she'll be running around the loft, climbing the baby gates, going down the stairs on her butt, pulling knives out of the drawe-"

He halts himself as she sucks in a breath, eyebrows up to her hairline over wide eyes, one of her hands slightly fisting the fabric of the girl's dress.

Knives?

He startles as if realizing what had her reacting that way, a hand flying to her own over the now very serious girl's back, coaxing her fingers to loosen their hold. "Kate, Kate, joking. Just a joke."

"Just a joke," she whispers, nodding, her breath stuttering slightly.

She feels more than sees him rise his chin to press a kiss against her forehead, a hand traveling up and down her arm. "Not ready to see her discover the world, are you?"

She chokes on a laugh, tilting her head so as to cover his lips with her own for a gentle yet forceful kiss, his hand cradling her jaw as he pulls away way too soon for her taste.

"You need to talk to someone, Kate."

Smiling sadly, she slowly rocks the girl and shifts her to one arm, using her now free hand to run her fingers over his stubble. "I know. Now go rest, I've got her."

She tracks her eyes over his back as he steps his way toward the bedroom, aware of the girl making soft noises to herself and practically drooling over her arm.

She'd fix herself for them.

Looks like Burke will have been here for almost half the stages of her life.


"Come on, just hold her, Javi," she laughs as the usually imposing detective now turns soft right before her eyes as he awkwardly reaches for Lily. "You won't break her"

"You better not, I bet Mommy Beckett is scary as hell," she hears Ryan speak out from where he's sitting at the counter with her father, smiling cheekily at her.

She gives him a dark glare just for show, her inner self giggling at the face he pulls before he turns his face away from her, mumbling something she can't hear as her dad laughs, making her drop the act.

"Man, how do you guys do it. She's so tiny I'm scared to breathe."

Amused, she watches as the girl stares at the detective, her little body seeming tense.

"Hey, sweetheart, what's up?" she asks with a lively tone, a hand coming to tickle the sole of the baby's feet, trying to get her to relax. "Don't give me that face, he's all bark no bite, promise," she finishes, winking at the thoughtful face.

"Hey," he huffs, securing his arms around the girl once more.

"Let me hold my niece, look at her face, she looks terrified," she hears Lanie chirp behind her back as she watches her take the girl from Esposito's arm who looks comically indignant.

"Oh my god, Kate, she's so precious!" Lanie squeals as Kate winces, "I'm never giving her back to you." Lanie gives her a look as Kate silently gapes at her, frowning slightly. "Yes, I won't! You're way too adorable, lily flower"

Lily Flower. What have they done to that poor kid.

"She's right, you know. And you were just like her." Kate jumps as her dad peers at the girl over Lanie's shoulder and then walks to stand beside her, observing everyone naturally gravitating around her baby with "awwws" and "ooohs" followed by entranced laughs.

She lets her head rest against his shoulder, sighing. "Will it ever get easier ?"

"What, the overwhelming fear that something will go wrong ? Hell no." He kisses her forehead chuckling silently, "It's half the fun."

Kate scoffs, taking her head off his shoulder to check on Castle, still getting dinner ready as Alexis sets the table. She'd been apprehending the young woman's reaction to the baby, their own relationships not being all that great, she wasn't sure how she'd take it. Alexis respects her, they're just not really close but surprisingly, she had seemed pretty excited and had just congratulated them both, stating she was glad she wasn't living at the loft anymore, which Castle hadn't appreciated all that much.

"I meant to thank you, Dad. For her room, and getting someone to clean the loft and. . I'm sorry I haven't called since we talked at the hospital, I just-"

"I know, Katie. You've been through a lot, you needed time." He smiles at her, a hand squeezing her arm. "That case, being shot at - again, finding out you had a baby. Hell, Katie, I don't know how you handled that the way you did, still do."

She swallows hard, tears stinging her eyes as she blinks to keep from letting them fall. "It was hard. Still is, Dad. I- I don't know how to do this," she says quietly, not expliciting more as she stares at the floor.

"You'll get there, sweetie. Your mom would be so proud, I know I am."

Choking on a sob, she throws her arm around her dad's waist, hiding her face against his neck as he rests comforting hands on her back. "It's gonna be okay, and you're not alone. Try to not forget that."

She nods weakly, the back of her hand wiping her cheeks.

"I think you should go get your girl," he laughed just as a wail erupted, the small group spreading to let her get the upset little girl.

A few hours later, when the loft falls quiet again, she feels strong arms circling her waist from behind, feels her husband's chin rest on her shoulder, gently nosing that crook between her shoulder and her neck. "Hey, missed you tonight."

"Missed you too, babe,"she hums letting herself relax in his arms.

"You okay?"

Turning in his arms, she looks up at him, lets herself soak in the love radiating from him. "I'm okay," she says firmly, her gaze hard on him, trying to make him see it. Reaching for his hand, she tugs gently as she walks away. "Let's get back to the bedroom, I don't like having her there alone too long."

"Wherever you'll go, I'll follow." She smiles wide at his words, almost achingly so.

Because she knows he would.

TBC

Once again, thank you so much for all the feedback. I really didn't think I would get so much. This one was a lil bit more complicated for me, especially because I just *hate* writing a scene with more than two characters, lmao. It's just something hard for me to do, for some reason. I just hope you'll like it, though.

Be aware, next chapter will be the last (unless I change my mind but I'm not supposed to) and while it is already kind of outlined, I'll accept requests. So, if there is something you want me to explore, just ask/explain through reviews or pm and I'll see if it can fit.

As usual, thank you to alex for helping me trust myself a lil bit more *and* for beta-ing the mess that is my grammar :))

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