Chapter 3 "The Bargain"

"What did you do?" The orange one screamed.

The turquoise one tore his gaze from Merasmus he had just conjured and looked at the orange one in the doorway. There was a cardboard tray full of coffee cups that had been dropped carelessly at her- it looked like it was a her- feet. It looked like some had spilled onto her t-shirt and shoes. She started stomping over to where the turquoise one was standing without even sparing the ten-foot-tall wizard in the skull hat floating in the middle of the room a glance. Based on the death-glare she was giving him, she probably wanted an answer.

"We summoned a wizard," Turquoise answered.

She reached up and grabbed his collar and dragged him closer, so they were looking eye-to-eye. "Why the hell did you summon a wizard, Tim?" She shouted, "I thought you had a plan to cheer Dave up! Like a surprise party or a gift or something! Not summon a fu-"

"Excuse me, mortals," Merasmus interrupted, both of the weird children turned to the giant wizard floating in the salt circle, "did you have a reason for summoning Merasmus or did you just want to waste his time?" Turquoise was about to speak but Orange cut him off before he could say anything, "Sorry Miss- Merasmus, was it? - Tim and I have to discuss something outside, so if you'll excuse us for just a moment." She grabbed this Tim's pointy ear and dragged him outside.

Merasmus could hear high-pitched and frantic shouting leaking in from outside. He turned to the one with yellow hair that had fallen next to the summoning circle. "What's their problem?" Yellow hair- is it even hair? It looks a lot like tentacles- appeared to be too busy gawking at Merasmus to answer. Merasmus decided to use his summoner's lack of any form of brain activity to take stock of the room around him.

The instruments they used to summon Merasmus were very unimpressive. A folding table altar? A fish-egg sacrifice? Fish-scented candles? Looks like a budget summoning, he thought, Couldn't even get a nice scented candle for me. He liked the look of the glint in that pile of coins, though. Merasmus crossed his arms and looked back at the yellow one on the ground. "What? Never seen a wizard before?" he asked. Tentacle-hair slowly shook his head, mouth still agape. Merasmus scoffed, "Kids these days…"

He heard the echo of footsteps approaching from outside. Orange and Tim had returned from their little spat, it seemed. Tim was following behind Orange, clearly cowed after his verbal thrashing. Merasmus waited until they were in front of the circle. "Are you two done?" he asked. Orange nodded and glared at the one called Tim behind her until he, too, nodded. "Finally," Merasmus said. He cleared his throat and took a deep breath.

"Why do you summon Merasmus the Wizard?" He boomed.

"We need help cheering up our friend, Dave," said Orange Hair-Tentacles, "He's been really down lately and-"

"Ah," Merasmus cut her off, "Merasmus sees where this is going."

Orange Hair-Tentacles seemed surprised. "Really?" she stammered, "Y-you do?"

Merasmus sighed, "Yes. Merasmus does." He always hated when people summoned him for nonsense like this.

"Oh, well, that's great, so-"

"Just so you know, mortal," Merasmus interrupted again, "it costs double if he doesn't plan to use protection."

"Oh, of course-" she froze, "…protection?"

"Yes, mortal, protection," Merasmus said, "Merasmus did this boon far too much in prison without one for his liking." He examined her uncomprehending expression, "'Protection' as in condoms, mortal. I cannot count how many times I had to give my cellmates the old Merasmus treatment," He paused, "You have those here, don't you?"

"N-no, no, we have those…here," Orange said. She was flustered for some reason, and her face was beet red. Perhaps "Red" would be a more apt name, he mused. "Why are you so embarrassed mortal?" Merasmus asked, genuinely confused, "Had it not occurred to you the favor you would be asking of Merasmus to mollify your friend?"

"Not- not that kind of favor!" She sputtered. Orange had turned away from the wizard and covered her blushing face with her hands. The yellow one had stopped gawking at Merasmus and started rolling on the ground laughing. The one called Tim appeared to wish he could be anywhere else. "Ah," Merasmus said, "Of course. Then what is your wish?"

"W-We need, uh, help with our battling skills," Orange-head said, "Our team hasn't been very together lately and we need-"

"This Merasmus can help you with!" he cried.

"Really?"

"Yes, 'really,'" He said, "Return to this place at the same time upon the morrow, Merasmus will have your help." He floated higher in the air, rose his staff, and spun, disappearing in a puff of green smoke. Before he completely vanished, he whispered, "I expect half of my fee upfront, by the way."

All three Inklings were silent until the smoke cleared from the warehouse. "So," Alan asked, "How are we going to tell Dave about this?"


Engineer leaned back into the ratty old chair his employers called a recliner and let out a sigh. Today had been a hard one. Not to say that his job was particularly easy, hell, hauling around a literal ton of death machines in the Badlands' heat was difficult at the best of times. But today had been more trying than usual because the BLU Spy and Demo sure seemed to have it out for him today. If it wasn't a sapper, it was a stickybomb, if it wasn't a stickybomb it was a knife in his back. He thanked God Pyro was in a charitable mood today. Engineer didn't know how many times that man had saved his bacon.

He looked around the company living room and saw his teammates engaged in various activities. Demo was sitting cross-legged on the ground, an empty bottle standing in the gap between his legs, drunkenly dissecting a grenade. Heavy had placed his gun on the coffee table while he sat on the threadbare couch, taking the weapon apart and cleaning every nook and cranny with practiced precision. Sniper entered the room with a coffee mug in one hand and a coffee pot in the other. There was a magazine tucked under his arm. "Evenin' Snipes."

Sniper gave a noncommittal grunt, "Truckie."

Engineer pointed to the magazine, "Whatcha got there?"

Sniper flipped to the front cover of the magazine and read the name aloud, "Badlands Game & Fishing."

"Really?" Engineer smiled, "I've been known to go fishing every now and then, myself."

"That so?" Sniper replied, without looking up from the magazine, "I could lend it to ya after I'm done if-"

"Cower, fools! Merasmus is here!" boomed a loud voice.

Engineer sat up quickly and looked around the room. He couldn't see the magician anywhere in the room. "Merasmus?" Engineer asked, "It Halloween already?"

"No," Heavy said, "Is June."

"I thought so," Engineer replied, "Then why in tarnation is Merasmus here?"

"Maybe bucket-head's late on rent." A disinterested Sniper offered as he turned the page in his magazine.

"Could be," the Texan agreed.

"That is not it, mortals! Soldier is on time with rent, for once!"

Scout stuck his head in through the door to the base kitchen. He was wearing a chef's hat and was brandishing a frying pan above his head. "What's goin' on in there?" He asked.

"That Merasmus fella's here but we don't know where he is or what he wants," Engineer answered.

"Oh, well tell him to shut it. I can't make pancakes when his voice's shaking dust offa the rafters and into the batter," Scout ducked back into the kitchen.

"Fools! I have been summoned and ordered to curse you with the greatest burden of all," the wizard in a dress's disembodied voice shouted, "Mentorship!"

"Hold on a sec'," Demoman interrupted, "You can be summoned? How?"

"With the power of dark, ancient magic, and several thousand dollars!"

Demo contemplated for a moment before taking a swig from his empty scrumpy bottle, "Aye, fair enough."

"'Old on a bloody second," Sniper said, "Whaddya mean 'mentorship'? I'm not about to start teaching no bleedin' ankle-biter!"

"Too bad!" Merasmus boomed, "You're all leaving now!"

Engineer felt like he was being lifted, then he was catapulted forward, and then he knew no more.