It became a regular occurrence from then on for Colonel Young and Dr. Rush to … "hang out." For the sake of appearances (and their deal with Jack O'Neill), the two now seemed to be having sex on a regular basis, when really, they were just playing tag.
"Tag," Dr. Rush reasoned, "has all the right sounds for coitus."
"Yes," said Young, "because when shtupping my wife, I always make sure to tell her she's it."
It was after one such rollicking game that the two found themselves on the colonel's bed, taking a breather.
"Hell," said Colonel Young. "I hope nobody tells my dad."
Rush took a long drag on a bit of rolled-up lint he pretended was a cigarette.
"I hope somebody does tell my old in-laws," he remarked. "I'd love to see the look on Gloria's dad's face."
"Um, OK?"
Rush took another drag, and he was just about to stand and leave when a knock came at the door.
"Oh, bollocks," Rush whispered, turning to face Young. "Quick. Punch me in the face – I need a post-coital glow."
Young punched him.
"Thanks."
"Enter," Young called.
The door slid open and revealed a nervous-looking Dr. Volker, who was holding an itty-bitty paper bag in front of him.
"Er, hi," said Volker uncertainly, trying not to look at Rush's pecs or Young's belly button, which was neither an outtie nor an innie, but rather twisty and brown. "Um, I come bearing gifts."
"Cool," said Young. He held out his hand.
"It's for Dr. Rush," Volker told him apologetically. Young's hand fell to his side and Rush stepped forward with a smug little smirk, taking the bag from his least-favorite less-than-human Mongoloid.
"Thank you, Mr. Volker," he said politely. "You may go."
Volker scuttled away. When the door was closed, Young and Rush both flocked around the bag.
"What is it?" Young asked. Slowly, Rush opened up the bag and peered inside. His face went blank.
"Um …?"
"Well?"
"It's tampons," Rush said, baffled. He held up a handful of the little cotton things. "It's a bunch of home-made tampons. Like for women."
Silence.
"Why do we need tampons?" Rush cried. Young shook his head instantly, waving his hands back and forth in the air.
"Oh, no," he said. "Not 'we'. This present is for you. Why do you need tampons?"
"I don't know!"
"Maybe it's a gay thing," the colonel mused. Eyebrows tilted up, Rush gazed down at the paper bag.
"What the hell would gay men need tampons for?" he asked. "Do they like to pretend they're PMSing? I don't get it!"
Young just shrugged.
"Whatever it's for," he said, "you better figure it out, and soon. Or they'll get suspicious."
Rush shook his head.
"Tampons," he whispered. "Tampons! What the hell?"
It had started just two days before, when Rush was in the Apple Core. He and Young had a specific system, a signal for when one was needed and no one else could know. It was how they orchestrated all their best deceptions on the crew: Using a stolen Kino remote, the colonel sent a blinking light to Rush's console. Or, if Rush was the one signaling, he sent the blinking light to Young's Kino remote.
It was foolproof. No one ever noticed – all they ever saw was Rush subtly finding an excuse to leaving and going.
Only Rush's idea of subtle was "don't say anything at all, just run out."
"This is suspicious," Park announced.
"I'll say," Brody muttered. "That's the third time this week he's just run out without an explanation. What's his problem?"
"Maybe he's the bottom," Park said thoughtfully, rubbing her chin. The men of the room turned to stare at her. With the voice of an indulging school teacher, Park explained.
Volker turned red, Brody gaped, and Eli burst into giggles.
"Oh, that's awesome," he wheezed, clutching his stomach. "Where's a Kino when you need one?"
"Well, that's all kind of problematic, isn't it?" Brody pointed out. "What if that happens during an emergency? You know we're toast without Rush."
Park thought about it.
"I had some gay friends back home," she said with a significant look at Volker and Greer, mouthing the words 'your secret's safe with me and let's do a threesome tonight, OK? My room. Or maybe Chloe's room to freak her out – bitch called me Pocahontas yesterday'. "They all used tampons. Maybe we could give them a basket?"
A slow grin slid over Eli's face.
"Perfect," he said. "Perfect."
"Maybe it's not because they think I'm gay," said Rush desperately, turning over one of the little cotton things in his hand. "Remember when I went into the neural interface chair, and I got a nosebleed? Maybe they think that's a regular thing. Maybe these are for my nose."
"Rush," said Young from his desk, not looking up, "I encourage you with all my heart to walk around with one of those things in your nose."
Rush scowled.
"OK," he said, "so maybe they're not for nosebleeds. Maybe they're because I'm always getting injured. They're to – to plug up holes."
This time, Young did look up. He raised his eyebrows and stared.
"OK," said Rush again. "Maybe not that."
Young turned back to his paperwork. "Let me know if you figure it out," he said, amused. "I'll be waiting."
Swearing under his breath, Rush renewed his tampon-studies with vigor.
"Hey, Volker," Young said, catching the more pudgy man as he was leaving. Volker jumped and went still, eyes wide.
"Colonel?"
"I just wanted to say thanks," said Young sincerely, biting back a smile. "Nick really appreciates it. I figured he wouldn't say anything to you –"
Volker shook his head.
"But he's thankful, too," Young reassured. "You should tell him how to make them, he'd be really pleased."
Volker nodded. The colonel grinned.
"Good man," he said, and left.
"Hey – Dr. Rush!"
"Volker."
"Hey, I was talking to Colonel Young –"
"That's interesting."
"—and he said you, uh, you wanted to know …"
"…"
"…"
"Yes?"
"Um, how to make the tampons."
"…"
"…"
"…"
"Why are you baring your teeth at me?"
"Ohhh …. I'm not … baring my teeth, Volker. I am … smiling."
"It looks painful."
"I would … love … to learn … how."
"Um, are you sure?"
"…"
"…"
"… Yeah."
"Oh, well, great. I'll show you to the workshop."
Fucking Young.
"Maybe it's a sex toy," Rush suggested, looking at the various new tampons in his hand. Young considered the idea.
"Could be. Don't know what for."
"Oh, that's because you have no imagination." Rush narrowed his eyes and turned the tampon over, trying to envision any sort of recreational use.
A long, silent moment passed.
"Anything?" asked Colonel Young. Rush glared at him. "Didn't think so."
…
"Maybe it's a … doll?"
"Oh, yeah – now I think about it, I'm sure I saw some Christmas-edition Tammy Tampon dolls at Wal-Mart last year. Right next to the Eddie Enemas and Freddy Fucking Shampoo-Bottle-Up-the-Ass."
"Shut up."
TJ was in the infirmary, just taking inventory, when Young and Rush showed up. Both were red-faced, and the latter was holding a small paper bag. Both were staring at the floor.
"TJ," Young said softly, "we need to come clean."
She stared at them.
"We're not gay," Rush confessed. Young nodded.
"Never were."
"Not even bi."
"Heck, I've never even kissed a man."
"And I may have kissed a man, but I've never touched his cock. Not with my fingers."
Silence.
"The point," said Young with a somewhat freaked-out sidelong glance at Rush, "is that we need your help."
TJ nodded.
"We're pretending to be gay," Young explained, "because we have this deal with Jack O'Neill for money, and it was going well until …"
Rush shoved the bag forward.
"Volker gave it to me," he said roughly while TJ looked inside. "I don't know what it's for."
There was a long pause. TJ giggled, snorted, and covered her mouth.
"What?" the two men chorused.
"Oh, boys," TJ laughed. "Oh, you're just precious. They gave this to you, Dr. Rush?"
He nodded, eyebrows furrowed. TJ looked him up and down.
"I can see it," she nodded. Ignoring the confused looks of the men, she turned and put the home-made tampons in her supply box – after all, they wouldn't be needing it.
"OK, guys," she said, waving them closer. "We're gonna have the Talk. Do you know what happens to men after multiple instances of, um, buttsex?"
"AIDS?" Rush guessed.
"No." TJ leaned forward and lowered her voice. "It only happens to the bottom," she hinted.
They only looked more befuddled. TJ sighed.
"OK," she said, "I'll show you in hand-puppetry. OK?"
They nodded. Carefully, TJ made an 'o' with one hand and put her index finger through it.
"Sex between a man and a woman," she explained. Then she made a fist with one hand and stabbed at it with her pointer finger until pantomiming what appeared to be an explosion of bodily fluids from the fist.
Rush and Young carefully looked away.
"But after a while," TJ said, relaxing her fist so it was looser, "it gets easier."
She pantomimed the violent poking again. Young looked sick.
"And eventually …" She showed the loose fist on its own, without the pointer finger, and mimicked more bodily fluids.
"Och, nae!" Rush said shrilly, looking horrified and backing up. "Ye sayin' tha's wha' thair aboot? Th' think Ah –"
Young burst into very unattractive chortles.
"So they put the tampons in," said TJ brightly, folding her hands behind her back. "You understand?"
Rush looked green. Colonel Young kept laughing.
The next day found Dr. Rush back in the Apple Core, looking over his console. All was quiet.
"I buggered the shit out of Colonel Young last night," he said casually. "Buggered. The. Shit."
Eli stared at him.
Brody's mouth fell open.
Volker covered his face.
"Oh," said Park with a smile. "Good for you."
Rush nodded. "Thank you, Lisa. It certainly was."
And he turned back to his work.
A/N: The fist-with-violent-poking-then-explosion pantomime is how Cu Chulainn explained gay sex to 1945 when she was twelve. They discussed it after school one day, while waiting for a ride.
The nuns weren't pleased, but the father seemed to find it funny. We hear he uses it now and then when preaching at gay bars.
