Welcome to chapter 3, please prepare yourselves for humor, and lots of it.
Disclaimer: I do not own Gravity Falls or any of its characters.
Gassed and Confused
Chapter 3
Skull Fracture
The bar patrons were drinking, talking, playing pool and darts, but most of all they were beating the snot out of each other.
"Huh," Wendy placed her hands on her hips. "Nice."
"Yeah," Dipper said nervously as a chair was thrown against a the wall. "This place hasn't changed a bit."
"Come on," she took his hand and led him to the bar. They took each took a seat before the bartender turned to them and raised an eyebrow.
"Should you two be in here?" He asked.
"We're here aren't we?" Wendy pointed out.
"Fair enough." The bartender shrugged. "So what'll it be?"
"Just two sodas," Dipper said quickly. The bartender served them and walked away. "Ah, cheers."
"Cheers," Wendy smiled before taking a sip. "Place looks pretty cool right?"
"Ah," Dipper winched as a biker was thrown over their heads, which Wendy didn't seem to notice. "Yeah, cool."
Wendy turns to the biker sitting a few seats away from them. "Sup dude?"
Bats Biker bares his teeth and snarls at them.
Wendy narrowed her eyes and grit her teeth before snarling back, then starts laughing. "I think I get why my dad likes this place so much." She looked around. "Hey, they got darts!" Wendy got up and headed over.
"Man I hope her dad doesn't show up." Dipper said to himself. Suddenly a small Manly Dan appeared oh his right shoulder. Sitting in a big fancy wooden chair, wearing a fancy robe and fez on his head, while smoking a fancy pipe. "Okay, I just thought of you, so you appearing makes sense." Dipper rationalised. "But why are you dressed like that?"
"How should I know?" He stood up. "I'd never touch these filthy things," he waved the pipe. "This stuff will KILL YA!" With that he threw the pipe across the room, it hit one large biker in the back of the head and he fell on top of a much smaller biker, both were unconscious.
Dipper blinked in confusion. "How did-"
"Now listen," Manly Dan cut him off. "My kids are the most important thing in the world to me. I love em even more than my axes, and I love my axes! You better get Wendy home safe and sound. Cause if anything happens to her," he pulled a large axe from behind his back and swung it, chopping the chair in half. "I'll do that. But instead of a chair, it'll be you!"
"I got that part." Dipper gulped.
"Good," Manly Dan put his axe away, "now hand me a peanut." Dipper reached a bowl on the counter, taking a peanut and handing it to Manly Dan. He took it in his hands and took a big bite. "Salty!" With that he disappeared.
"How did he knock someone out and take a peanut with him?" Dipper asked out loud. "He wasn't real. Right?" He asked Bats Biker who just looked at him funny before standing up and walking away.
Dipper took a big sip of his soda before getting up and moving over to join Wendy at the dartboard.
"Hey dude check this out," Wendy held up three darts and closed her eyes. "I'm not even gonna look." With that she threw all three darts at once, and they all missed the dart board. One hit the wall, another fell in someone's drink and the last one hit a biker in the butt making him yell in pain. "So how'd I do?" She asked.
The biker pulled the dart out and turned around with a snarl. He saw a biker take out the dart that had landed in his drink and narrowed his eyes. "Hey!" He marched over.
"Huh?" the other biker turned just in time to be punched in the face and fall back onto a table where other bikers were sitting and breaking it and causing their drinks to splash in their faces. The angry bikers stood up and charged at the first biker and within a few seconds, a full blown bar fight had erupted.
"Oh boy," Dipper panicked.
"Dipper, seriously," he turned to see Wendy still had her eyes closed. "How'd I do?"
Dipper grabbed Wendy's arm and pulled her to the floor to avoid a chair that had been thrown. They moved under a table and looked out at all the chaos.
"Well, that escalated quickly." Dipper observed.
"Whoa," Wendy opened her eyes, "how'd this happen?"
"Ah," Dipper hesitated.
"Hold it," Wendy looked at Dipper. "You've been here before?"
Dipper blinked, "what?" Suddenly the table was tipped over "We should go!" Grabbing Wendy's hand, they ran for the door but Tats walked in.
"You two!" He spotted them.
"Uh oh," Dipper gulped. "Ah, look we're over there!" He pointed off to the side.
"I'm not gonna fall for that again!" He snapped.
"Fall for what again?" Wendy asked.
Dipper began to panic, then Shandra Jimenez appeared on his left shoulder dressed like a traffic warden. "Shandra Jimenez, coming to you, live from your subconscious. Dipper, it seem your in deep, deep trouble." She looked at Tats, "judging from his size I'd say your injuries will include, a concussion, cracked ribs, missing teeth, ruptured spleen-"
Pacifica Northwest appeared on his right shoulder dressed as a chief. "There is such a thing as too much ya know." She thought for a second, "except for money. Theres no such thing as too much money." She looked at her and smirked, "nice outfit by the way."
"Whites really not your colour," she shot back.
Pacifica looked down at her clothes. "Ugh, couldn't have imagined me in something more stylish?" She asked Dipper.
"Are you guys gonna help me or just keep talking?" Dipper asked in annoyance.
Tats looked at him talking to his no one, then looked to Wendy. "Who is he talking to?" He asked her.
Wendy looked at Tats in confusion, "who is who talking to?"
"Well?" Dipper asked impatiently.
"Easy, just pay him off." Pacifica said like it was obvious.
"He doesn't have that kind of money." Shandra explained.
"Oh, then I got nothing," the Northwest shrugged.
"Gah!" Dipper groaned and they both disappeared off his shoulders. "What would Grunkle Stan do?" He asked himself. Then a biker landed beside them, unconscious and with two darts sticking in his back. "That's it!" He pulled the darts out, "catch!" He tossed one dart into the air and towards Tats. While he was distracted catching it, Dipper threw the other dart at the biggest biker in the place and it hit him right in the butt.
"OW!" The biker pulled the dart out and turned to see Dipper and Wendy, the former pointed at Tats who was holding the other dart. With an angry yell he tackled Tats and they began fighting.
"And we're outta here!" Dipper grabbed Wendys hand and they ran out of the biker joint. They kept running until they were far enough away from Skull fracture and stopped to catch their breath.
"That, was, AWESOME!" Wendy cheered. "How'd you know that would work?"
"I have my moments," he said humbly.
"Forget moments," Wendy lightly punched his arm. "I said it before dude, your one of the smartest people I've ever met."
Dipper blushed again, "thanks." He turned to face her and saw that she was kneeling down and they were now face to face, and his blush grew stronger. "That, means a lot."
Wendy and Dipper looked into each others eyes, then she let out a loud, "BUUURRRPPPPP!" The belch was strong enough to knock off Dippers hat. "I think I drank all that soda too fast."
"Yeah," Dipper stood there for a moment without moving. "I can feel that burp in my eyes." He said quietly before rubbed his eyes, "Ok, we need to find the golf cart."
"Found it." Wendy pointed across the street where it was parked.
"Huh, finally some convenience." Dipper smiled. "Come on," Once they were both in, they drove off. "Finally, back on the road and no more distractions."
Wendy tapped his shoulder, "I gotta use the bathroom."
"What?" Dipper blinked. "Why didn't you go before we left."
"I didn't need to go then," she said like it was obvious.
"Can you hold it?" Dipper asked, "it was just one soda."
Wendys eyes looked to the side, "actually,"
(Flashback)
Inside Skull Fracture, while Dipper was busy talking to the hallucination on his shoulder, Wendy came back to the bar. "Hey, can I get three more sodas?"
"Didn't I just give you one?" The bartender asked.
Wendy grinned, "I drank it."
The bartender just rolled his eyes and handed her the bottles of soda, "as long as you remember to pay for them."
"No worries man," Wendy took the sodas. "I'll remember." with that she started drinking one and walked away.
(Present Time)
"Guess I forgot," she said.
"Are you sure you can't hold it?" Dipper looked at her. Wendy was holding herself, biting her lip and looking at him with a pleading expression. "Fine," he sighed before looking around, "wheres the closest bathroom?"
"I don't know, but hurry!" Wendy begged.
"Bet the other aren't having this much trouble," he mumbled to himself.
The Mystery Shack
"Nice going poindexter." Stan said sarcastically. "Its really working better than ever."
The machine now had two robotic arms. One of which had Soos in a headlock on the floor while Mabel hit it with a hammer to try and make it let go. The other arm was turning a winch, that was turning a metal rod that Stan and Ford were tied to, over an open flame like rotisserie chicken.
"If you had told me this was a knock off, of a knock smoothy machine I wouldn't have used those upgrades." Ford shot back. "I mean seriously. Who buys a knock off, of a knock off?"
"Somebody that has a business to run," Stand said.
"Right now, maybe it's a good thing we don't have any costumers." Soos observed as he struggled to break free.
"Don't worry Grunkles and Soos," Mabel said. "We'll get you outta there. Right Waddles?" The pig was chewing on the blue prints.
"So," Ford sighed. "After surviving thirty years being stranded between dimensions, this is how I die. I honestly didn't see it coming."
"Drama queen." Stan rolled his eyes, but then sniffed the air. "Hey, we actually smell pretty good."
Back in town, the Golf cart pulled up in front of the Museum of History. "There should be one in here, you know this is actually where me and able found a clue to the real found-" he turned and saw the seat was empty. "Wendy?" He turned again and saw Wendy running up the steps. "Nevermind," he sighed before following her.
As Wendy came in through the door, a brown haired woman with a name tag that read Sue greeted her. "Hi there, welcome to the Gravity Falls Museum of-" she was cut off when Wendy grabbed her.
"Wheres the bathroom!?" She demanded.
Sue pointed, "down the hall to your left." Wendy nearly threw her to the ground as she ran for the bathroom. Dipper entered seconds later, "Are you with her."
"What? No, no we're just friends." Dipper said quickly. "I mean yeah, we're really close and hang out all the time and, that's not what you meant is it?"
"Nope," she shook her head. "But either way, you'll have to pay for admission."
"Um," Dipper looked from side to side. "Hey!" He pointed, "that guys picking the buffalos nose."
"Argh! Not again!" Sue groaned before walking away. Dipper quickly ran after Wendy.
Soon he was pacing back in forth in front of the bathroom. "Okay, as soon as Wendy comes out, I've got to get her home. No more distractions, gotta be firm, tough," he stood up straight and puffed his chest out and spoke with determination. "I can do this!" He then noticed a woman staring at him. "Just waiting for my friend," he chuckled nervously.
"Theres no one else in there," she pointed out.
"What?" The Pines twin asked. "Are you sure? Shes got long red hair and wearing a green flannel shirt?"
"Her?" She raised an eyebrow before turning and walking away. "She left like ten minutes ago."
"Ten minutes!" Dipper gasped. "How long was I talking to myself?"
The former leader of the Blind Eye Society appeared on his right shoulder dressed as a rodeo clown. "Too long."
Dipper raised an eyebrow, "You? Really?"
"Yep, its me, Toot-Toot McBumbersanzzle!" He smiled brightly before taking out his banjo and playing a tune.
"Oh yeah your memory got completely wiped," Dipper remembered.
"What?" He asked.
"Don't worry about it," the Pines twin told him.
"Okie dokie," he smiled. "But seriously you should find your friend quickly. In her state theres no telling what she'll do. She could remove a rib from a triceratops and use it to knock down a giant blue whale."
Dipper stared at him for a moment, "that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard." He then thought for a moment, "that's one of the dumbest things I've," he thought again. "Just get out of here!"
"You got it" With that Toot-Toot McBumbersanzzle disappeared.
Dipper ran through the museum, "Come on Wendy where are you?" he turned a corner and froze at what he saw.
Several of the displays mannequins heads had been switched. Women in old timey dresses had heads of men with long beards.
"That's not a good sign," he sighed.
"Yo Dipper! He turned and saw Wendy standing next to a dinosaur skeleton, "check it out." Dipper looked closer and his eyes widened. The inside of the rib cage was stuffed with mannequins, stuffed animals, mining tools and even a couple of musical instruments. "Guess someone was real hungry," she laughed.
"Yeah," Dipper approached her.
"What else?" She looked around.
"An I think you've done enough." Dipper said.
Wendy thought for a second. "Maybe your right." Dipper sighed in relief, "you do one."
He blinked, "what?"
"We'll do one of your pranks." Wendy said.
"Come on, I already pranked Blubs and Duland." He pleaded.
"And it was hilarious!" Wendy held her arms out for emphasis. "Come man, just one. You know you wanna."
Dipper really didn't, but he now knew it might be the faster way to get out of here. "Fine," he thought for a moment and looked around. "Got it."
A couple of minutes later they were placing the sabre-toothed tiger inside the mens room. "There we go," Dipper patted its side. "A guy walks in and sees this baby, there gonna need a clean up in the mens room."
"Dude, you are a natural," Wendy said.
"Thanks," Dipper smiled. "We should get going before someone notices."
"Who switched the mannequins heads!?" A voice was heard shouting. "And wheres sabre-toothed tiger!?"
"Like that," Dipper gulped. He grabbed her hand, "come on."
"But we didn't see it scare anyone yet." Wendy pointed out.
"Oh I'm sure we'll hear it," Dipper assured her. They ran for the entrance but stopped and hid behind a corner when they spotted Dorland walk in.
"Excuse me, have you seen my partner?" He asked. "I need to find him quick before that spider bites him."
"He still hasn't figured out it was a stick?" Dipper raised an eyebrow while Wendy chuckled.
"No but I'm glad you're here." Sue said. "Someones been messing with the exhibits."
Dorland stepped forward, "Sorry Blubs, but duty calls!" He drew his night stick and headed in their direction.
"Ah crud," Dipper shrugged before grabbing Wendys hand and ran.
"He said duty," she chuckled.
They ran past the bathrooms and hid behind a vending machine. Dorland came around the corner, "hmm," he walked inside the mens room "AAAAAHHHHHHH!"
Dipper and Wendy both laughed at the wound of Durlands terrified screams before they got moving again. The Deputy ran out of the mens room taking deep breaths. But spotted someone run around the corner. "Hey! Get back here!" He ran after them.
He turned the corner into another group of exhibits. One of which had a young boy in holding a bucket and a tall man with a long red bead and moustache holding a pickaxe, both wearing pioneer clothes. "Hello?" Durland looked around but saw no one. "I could have sworn I saw somebody run this way," he scratched his head and shrugged turning. He took a few steps and then "Burp!" Durland jumped in fright, dropping his nightstick in the process. He spun around and looked where it had come from, the pioneer display. He narrowed his eyes and slowly approached, watching closely until he was right in front of the display, "now what is going on here?"
He got his answer when one of the figures moved, raising its pickaxe and roaring at him.
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" Durland screamed louder than ever before turning around and running away while yelling. "OLD MAN MCGUCKET WAS RIGHT! THE WAX FIGURES ARE ALIVE!"
When he was out of sight, Wendy pulled her hair out of her face and held her sides laughing, "did you see the look on his face?"
"Yeah," Dipper dropped the bucket, before taking off the overalls and jacket before putting his cap back on. "Now lets go."
"Okay, okay," Wendy wiped away a tear before taking off the jacket and hat. "Lets roll."
They headed to the exit while sneaking past Sue who was trying to coach a terrified Durland out of the trash can he was hiding in. "Sir, you need get out of there."
"No!" He poked his head out, a banana peel on his head. "The wax man uprising is here!" With that he retreated back into the garbage.
Quite an eventful chapter wasn't it? I'm sure many of you figured it out, but the blue whale was a reference to How I Met Your Mother.
