She felt lost, but there were hardly tears to be spilt. Cry….it would have definitely made it more easily if she were able to cry. She felt tired, confused. Her eyes were sore and dry. And her head was so heavy, so small to keep still the pressure that boiled inside and it hurt. However, the pain didn't bother her. Her body was too numb to feel pain.
Hua Qiangu watched the people that stood in front of her – her former colleges and masters- but she saw nothing. Her mind was far away. Even after the images had disappeared, she kept staring to the place where they had been once. Little Bone was lonelier than ever before. There was no one left to care for her, to understand her. She was tired….so tired. She just wanted to let go of it; let go of everything: pain, love, life. The sword was still hers. The goddess felt its call. One blow and everything would be gone….but she didn't dare to do it. No matter how fragile was the thread her life hung on, she didn't dare to cut it. She didn't dare to cut it because she still had him. It had to be his choice. She'd already put her life in his hands. But he knew her plan. Yet she wondered how much he trusted her now when he'd found her intentions. She wondered if what he'd seen today was enough for him to believe she wasn't the villain. Though, it was enough for her to understand how little she weight compared to the world he loved.
The world? But she'd never really asked him to abandon it. She just wanted him to trust her. He should have known she would never hurt others. It was his people, his own sect that had done it numerous times and yet he still venerated them. Who had given them the right to decide who was good or evil? Who had given them the right to decide who were to live or to die?
What was left for her, then? Her Shifu hadn't chosen her and yet she was still alive. He wouldn't kill her anymore. But she didn't want to live like that. She was sick of the never ending wars; sick of playing the cold queen of demons; sick of knowing that as long as she would exist every single sect would crave for the power that ran through her veins.
Bai Zihua was shocked. He was aware that everything he'd saw was real. He'd lived all those emotions as well; he'd had the same thoughts and fears; his heart broke as she was saying the final goodbye. But he simply didn't know what to do. He couldn't abandon everything he'd believed in for centuries. All those rules, ideas, prejudices – they were all wrong, but he didn't know to live any differently.
Until the day he'd met her, his life had been a line, no crossroads, no hills, no curves: just a plain road that kept going and going. But she came and she'd become more important than anything. Yet he'd lied himself day after day. He'd told that he was responsible for her, that she was special just because she was his disciple, but he'd already fallen for her innocence, for her lovely smile, for her power to see goodness even in the darkest places. He would give anything if he were able to go back to the past.
He watched her, the girl who had loved him more than anything. Her love may be an obsession, but without it she would have never been the woman she was now. Everything she'd done was because they'd met and because they'd met they could never separate.
He was the friend who come when no one wanted her; he was the only person she was left with, and she didn't want to lose him. She was the first girl who had made him doubt his decisions. He'd never felt ashamed of his action before he had to admit he'd left her father die just because being the ruler of a sect was more important than the life of a man. He'd never gone against the sect decision before. He'd never felt human until she came and taught him joy and pain. At first he couldn't understand those feeling, but having her around, hearing her laughter and watching her train brought him comfort. Not having her around, seeing her cry or knowing her in danger made him feel hollow and powerless.
She was his obsession, but Bai Zihua couldn't be better without her. He suddenly realized that this own existence had hardly affected the world. So why would his departure be felt by it?
