Pairing: This chapter contains slight Ukitake/Kira, slight Kyouraku/Ukitake and Kira x Hinamori
Rating: M
Warnings: There is also slight OOC, minor language, some talk of violence, talk of death and disease, and blood
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, Tite Kubo does.
He closed the door behind him, putting all of the immature hopes that Ukitake had put in his head behind that very door. He was fool to even listen to anything that the captain had said. How could he betray the one that he had respected? How could he think that he was even able to replace Ichimaru? Ichimaru was everything to him; there was no way that he could even function if he was gone forever. He had been lost since that day.
It was no better now, it was worse. Now after he had talked to Ukitake all of those times, all he could think of were those words. Those hopes kept him awake at night; they were a need growing deep within him, a need that would never be fulfilled. And it had driven him crazy, everyone that he had talked to before; Abarai, Hisagi, and Hinamori were ignored in his ventures with Ukitake. He couldn't focus on normal conversation as he remembered those words coming from those lips.
"I see something in you that I've never seen in anyone before, Izuru-kun. I see a strength that is waiting to be called forth…"
He shook his head as he tried to block out that sensation, as he tried to block out Ukitake's voice. Focus on walking, he thought, speeding up as the rain hit him harder, his whole body becoming heavier under the weight of water. Then he stopped as he remembered. He knew what captain was.
He remembered as Ichimaru whispered in his ear about the plan that he was part of, the plan to betray Seiretei. That warm breath on his neck as slender hands drew closer to his throat as if threatening him, it all made his body feel like it was melting in the rain as he remembered, his breath speeding up. He was lied to at that moment. Captains were liars. All he could remember was one phrase: Hinamori wasn't going to be harmed in the plan. The next moment he heard that she had been wounded, all he could sense was that grin, feeling as he laughed at him for believing that he had told the truth. He couldn't breathe anymore, the weight of the shame coming back to him.
How could he trust that man? He had never felt easy around him. As those hands wrapped around his throat, he should have known that there was something wrong. Never trust a snake whose venomous fangs had pierced flesh, otherwise the effects could be vital. That day he had truly seen his former captain's fangs. Even knowing this, he raised a sword against one of his friends to protect the serpent that had intoxicated him with his poison. He was just as monstrous.
Hinamori, he closed his eyes trying to fight the tears as he thought about her. He had always looked at her as more than friend since he got to know her better. Everyday that went by, he was falling more in love with her, but it was bitter when he saw her with Aizen or Hitsugaya. All of that rage went into Wabisuke that day, he couldn't control himself. He was a puppet of loyalty and envy; he didn't know who Kira Izuru was anymore.
I can't do this anymore. I can't watch people hurt you; he closed his eyes as he fought the tears. Hinamori had suffered too much on his account, there was no way that he could ever be able to ease the hurt that he had caused her. There was only one way. He would change himself. He would become a better person because of this. And if the only way was to become a captain, then so be it.
He looked over at his right to see the 13th Division, remembering the talks that he had with Captain Ukitake. He thought he could be captain, he saw something in him that no one else saw. He was a god in Kira's eyes. He was different than the others. He cared not only about his own division, but others in need too. He was beautiful. Feet moved in the direction as he thought about everything.
Ukitake had helped him with his work for more than one reason, this was the kindest act anyone had ever done for him. This was the only man that made him feel as though he was worth something. This was savior. This was his angel. This was his god. He continued to move toward the door. The light of Ukitake's hand extended to him was blinding him as he thought back on the previous days. He knew that if he didn't see him again, everything that he had once felt would be gone. He would no longer know what it truly meant to be alive.
As he arrived outside the door, he swallowed the lump within his throat, looking up to the sobbing sky. This might not work. He was hardly the level of a captain. But somehow he knew, he knew that under Ukitake's guidance he would have a better chance to prove himself strong. Just to have that captain by his side and try to make it seem like for a second he was going to be better than he was now. That he could protect Hinamori.
He looked as the doorway, knocking gently, trying his hardest to get a hold of himself before he was faced with his end, his rejection. He heard footstep coming closer, sensing one of those damned 3rd seats drawing closer. As the door opened, he froze immediately. It wasn't Sentaro or Kiyone; it was Captain Ukitake Juushirou himself.
"C-captain," he breathed, shivering gently from the relentless rain pouring on him, his own eyes looking up into the ones that had frozen him only a few days ago, his whole body starting to shut down at the glance.
"What?" the captain asked as he looked out into the rain, his dark eyes wide at the sight of Kira standing outside of the building, his eyes fixated on the ground. "Kira-kun? What are you doing out there?"
One single phrase passed the blond man's lips. "I want to accept your request…" his cyan eyes looked up at Ukitake. "I want to take on your request to make me captain material."
Ukitake watched as the rain continued to fall, the cold of the air starting to flow through the building. But the coldness dissipated as he looked into the lieutenant's eyes, seeing the burning determination within them. The same shard of perseverance that made him want to be near him was the one that was drawing him closer to taking him inside.
"Kira-kun," he breathed. "You're soaking wet."
"I want to be a captain, Ukitake-taichou," he stated again, taking a deep breath, shivering gently in the cold. "I'll do whatever you want me to. Just give me a chance to prove myself to you, that's all I want. I'm sick of being used; I want to be in control of my own life. I don't want to be this person anymore."
The rain continued to fall, every drop making a thundering plop that synchronized with the beating of the captain's heart. Every conversation that they had, every word that they exchanged, it was all different now. Ukitake could finally see the slight bit of hope that he had been wishing to find since the day that Aizen left for Hueco Mundo. For once in that short time, he could finally see one of the three who suffered the hardest stand up and try to change. He could finally see that the dawn of the new age was coming.
"You've been out there for too long. You're going to kill yourself if you keep this up," he moved out of the way allowing the shivering lieutenant to step inside. "How long have you been out there, Kira-kun?"
The blond continued to shake as he was overcome by the cold. "Not long…"
As he entered the dryness of the room, Ukitake slid the captain's haori off of his shoulders, placing it onto the lieutenant's, holding his shaking body closer to his own. Despite what Kira would have thought, Ukitake's body wasn't overly cold nor was it overly hot. The consumption that was taking him over had not fully taken his life away from him. He moved deeper into this heat, feeling the beating of the captain's heart, closing his eyes as he felt his whole body starting to give out.
The lieutenant's eyes started to water, as if he were about to start crying, but for no reason at all. The moment, the answer that he had come to was more difficult that he thought that it would be. To overcome the man that he had once respected was too much for him to take in. All of this time he looked up to Ichimaru, the way that he would risk his life for him, now he was reduced to wanting to surpass him, no, replace him.
"Are you alright, Kira-kun?" he held onto the shaking blond tighter.
"I want to…" the lieutenant took a deep breath. "I want to do it with you… I want to become a captain under your guidance…" he looked up into his eyes, taking a deep breath. "Everything that you are, everything that you have, all of the faith you possess, put it into the hope of me becoming something in life."
Ukitake smiled as he ran his thumb underneath the lieutenant's eye, casting the tear aside. "You don't have to ask for my faith. You already have it," he smiled wider. "Now let's get you inside."
Kira felt Ukitake's arm around him as he was pulled deeper into the room. He could fall asleep up against the captain, his warmth starting to put him to sleep. But the breathing that he was hearing was enough to make him stay awake for the rest of his life. The illness was starting to take its toll on him that night; this was the start of an attack of his consumption.
"There are a few things you must master to become a captain. First, you have to fight like a captain," Ukitake breathed as he moved Kira to the couch. "I know that you've achieved shikai, but what about bankai?"
Kira closed his eyes. "Forgive me, captain… with my power, it seems," he closed his eyes tightly. "I…"
"Don't put yourself down," Ukitake smiled. "It takes a while, but I feel as though we can get through this together," he held onto Kira's hand. "I'm going to need your trust through all of this, but don't believe everything that I say. If for some reason I am destroying you, you have to tell me to stop. Right, Izuru-kun?"
"Yes, sir," Kira answered quietly. "I only have one question… what makes you think that I can become captain?"
A sigh filled the room. "I think that we could prove to the others that you are worthy of that title, you've already proven yourself to me. I know that you don't want to replace Ichimaru, but…"
"Don't down talk Ichimaru-taichou. Even though he betrayed us, I still have the utmost respect for him as a captain," he closed his eyes remembering those hands around his neck still strangling the life out of him. "I won't listen to anything you have to say about him."
"After all of that you still respect him? You're one hell of a kid, Kira-kun. You take betrayal well. That means that if I play you, you're going to let me do it, aren't you? I could be throwing you to the wolves…"
"I've been thrown to the wolves before, I can manage…" Kira answered. "But, Ukitake-taichou, when are we going to start this training?"
A sound ran through the lieutenant's body, a single cough. He watched as water started to roll down porcelain cheeks, a hand clasped over his lips. Kira's heart wrenched with every cough, with every harsh intake of air. He was heartbroken as he watched the hand lower form his lips, the sad look in his eyes as closed them, tightening his fist.
"Ukitake-taichou? Are you alright?" Kira asked as he watched the captain try to catch his breath. "Ukitake…"
"I'm fine," the captain breathed, trying to block out the look of concern on the lieutenant's face. "We'll start as soon as I catch up on a few things. Most importantly, I have to get one word of approval for you before I go to Genryuusai-dono."
"How are you going to do that?" Kira asked, his eyes looking up at the blanching captain, his heart racing as he knew what was about to happen. He knew what Ukitake had to catch up on. He was dying right in front of him.
Ukitake smiled gently. "I have my ways…" he cleared his throat as he closed his eyes for a second. "This is going to work out no matter what the consequence. Peace will be restored to the Soul Society no matter what it takes," a fake smile rolled across his face. "I'll be with you the whole way through."
That smile, it wasn't a deceiving smile like Ichimaru, it was a broken one. Ukitake knew that the end for him was coming closer everyday that went by. After millennia of life, there was a time when he was going to have to give in. The smile was to make the lie that he just told a little less painful, to make Kira understand that there was a time when he would be forced to go on by himself.
He looked out the window, the rain was still falling. Rain always made him uneasy, those were the nights when Ichimaru was more chilling than before. He never attacked him, but the way that he would look at him and pat him on the head as he walked by, it was like Kira was an animal. Never once did he feel like there was no pain, Ichimaru was in pain as well. What other than pain would make him throw everything that he had away? What other than pain would make him lie so deeply? What other than pain would make his smile drop just a little whenever he saw Aizen? Ichimaru was like the rain, cold and relentless, but at the moment that it cleared the world would stand still for a moment, as new life was starting to grow from the onslaught. Kira closed his eyes as the raindrop hit the window; he had missed the rain, no matter how torturous it was.
The sound of it started to pull him into a state of fatigue, his whole body becoming heavy as slumber took him over. The rain only grew louder as his whole being was starting to be lulled to sleep. Ichimaru was still within him, he was always going to be inside of him, and it made Kira feel somewhat comfortable, he was no longer alone. He fully closed his eyes as Ukitake stood up and started to leave the room. It was completely tranquil. He was no longer alone; he finally had someone to be with. He had finally found Ukitake. He had finally found the purpose that Ichimaru had convinced him had no existed.
A cough filled the air as he was finally able to fall asleep by the sound of the rain. The peace that Kira had finally come accustomed to was now diminished. Ukitake's illness was coming back, after all of this time of only a few coughs, now it was like it was before. The moment of glory was starting to die as blood passed its lips, as its body was starting to leave this world. Life was shorter than he thought it was, the future never told you when you were going to die, nor did you know when it was to happen. Throughout this journey, Kira knew that he might die, but he would wait just as the one who was leading him was forced to.
A splash filled his mind as the coughing got more and more labored. He closed his eyes trying to block out the pain that Ukitake was going through. It was all going to be over soon enough. He closed his eyes tightly as he tried to block out the sounds of pain, the harsh breaths, and the silent curses. He couldn't bear to hear it anymore, this was just too much.
As he started to fall into the abyss of slumber, the sounds of the coughs started to face, his whole body starting to relax. Sounds faded as he realized that when he woke up the next morning this was all going to be a dream. Nothing this great ever happened to Kira Izuru. When he awoke, he was going to be beside Ichimaru again and the nightmare of happiness would end. He would embrace the darkness that his captain had given him, as long as he wouldn't have to be teased again as another captain who aided him would soon leave his side.
"Ukitake-taichou…" Kira breathed as he fell into a state of unconsciousness. Sleep had finally taken over him, leading him out of the nightmare. This was all going to be gone when he awoke, he was sure of it.
0o0o0o0o0o0
His throat burned as he tried to control the coughing, everything growing hazy as he tired to open his eyes. Breath was hard to control as he felt a warm sensation emerging from his lungs, blood rolling through his fingertips. The warmth made his body shake as he struggled to keep conscious, losing the fight that he was having with his illness.
"Damn it," he breathed as he panted, his body still shivering as he looked at all of the blood. His stomach started to constrict as he looked down at the fluid, it was worse than last time. His hands moved to run through the warm liquid, trembling as it continued to drip from his fingers, his body becoming heavy, his vision clouding.
A draft then ran through the room, his body shivering from the cold, another cough passing his lips. Just as fast as the draft passed him, he felt a warm embrace surround him, his heart racing as his eyes shot open. The pain that his body was screaming in silenced as he looked up into the eyes of the one holding him, his racing pulse starting to calm.
"My, my, Shirou," the man called out. "I can't leave you alone for one minute these days, can I?"
Ukitake swallowed painfully as he tried to formulate the words of the man's name. "Sh-Shunsui? Is that you?" he swallowed again, coughing lightly, the arms tightening around him, keeping him stable as his body shook with every bloody release. The lightheartedness immediately turned into concern.
"Shirou," Kyouraku breathed as he watched his friend's body convulse with every harsh breath. "You're trembling, and you're soaked," he ran his hand along his face, to push the white hair that was adhering with the sweat. He pulled him closer to his heart, his arms tightening. "Shirou…"
A cough rolled through his body. "Shunsui, I'm cold…" his body was lifted from the ground and was placed on his bed, his friend still by his side, holding onto him. "I…" he coughed again, turning his head to the side, another droplet of blood falling from his moist lips, burning at Kyouraku's flesh.
"It's bad isn't it, Ukitake?" hand ran through his hair as he pulled the floral haori off of his shoulders, throwing it over the other captain's body. "Why are you wet? What were you doing?"
"I…" Ukitake struggled to take, taking a deep breath, panting as he tried to answer his question, his eyes closing, a low moan rumbling through his body, fingers weaving through Kyouraku's. "Shunsui… it hurts…"
Fingertips pushed up against his lips, all of the words that he was about to say being stolen at that moment. His eyes looked up into Kyouraku's seeing nothing but hope within them, even now when it seemed like he was going to die, when he thought that it was all over, Kyouraku still could see the light at the end of the tunnel, this was far from the actual end.
"Don't push yourself too hard…" his smile faded as he wiped away the blood from his lips, his hand clasping onto Ukitake's forehead, heat rolling through his body. He licked his lips as his own body started to quiver. "I'm here now, Shirou," he held onto the fallen captain's hand tighter. "You're burning up."
Ukitake shivered as he closed his eyes tightly, his mouth hung open on heavy pants, fingers weaving tighter through his best friends. "What are you doing here, Shunsui? Why did you come to me?"
"I got worried about you," was the soft reply that he got, Kyouraku's eyes starting to gloss with the start of tears.
Every time that Ukitake got sick, Kyouraku was slowly dying on the inside, like the illness was consuming him as well, leaving nothing but a hollow husk. But still he came to his side every time, praying to some higher power that this time wouldn't be the time that took him away from this world. Their hands trembled together with every cough, with every harsh breath, with every droplet of blood. Every time this happened, right before Ukitake fell unconscious, he would say goodbye to him, just in case this was the time when it was to happen. He wanted to remain in Kyouraku's heart, even if he was to be forever an ember of a memory.
"Shunsui…" Ukitake panted. "Thank you for being here… I could always count on you to be there for me…"
"I hate it when you talk like this," Kyouraku whimpered. "Don't say goodbye, this is going to be like every other time, you're going to live through this. We beat this illness before, we'll beat it again. We'll steal your soul from Death. You aren't going to fade away from me."
Ukitake coughed again, his body starting to become weaker. "Come closer to me, Shunsui. Hold me just for a moment, I want to feel you," as Kyouraku embraced him, holding tighter to his hand, Ukitake took a deep breath. "Would you do anything for me?"
"Anything," Kyouraku answered, his voice a low whisper, his hand shaking up against his friend's as their eyes locked into a deep stare. "I would die by your side a thousand times, Ukitake…"
Ukitake smiled as he held tighter onto his friend's hand. "There's something I want from you," his breath stopped for a second, his throat burning deeply. "Sh-Shun…" he closed his eyes falling into a state of sleep, his breath starting to stabilize.
Kyouraku closed his eyes as he smiled, a laugh passing his lips. "Don't strain yourself," he hand moved to stroke the moist flesh, moving the white hairs from his face. "After all, there is something I want you to do for me," the fingers moved through the hair as his smile widened, a single tear rolling down his face, falling onto Ukitake's open lips. "After all of this time, I have feared one moment, I have feared the moment where you would say goodbye and mean it. I feared the day when you would say your farewell and then I would never see you smile again, that day would be my funeral as well."
He held on tighter to his hand as another tear fell from his eye, he was trying to get control over himself as Ukitake shivered, sweat starting to form on his body, a low groan passing his lips. His hand tightened as he saw a silent scream pass his lips, everything growing cold at the moment.
"Even when I see you in pain, I still don't want you to leave me; even if that means that you are free from this illness…" his hand tightened still, as he heard the breaths start to stabilize again. "Call me selfish, but I don't want to lose you. After twenty centuries of being with you I can't imagine a day without you. I want you to stay with me, no matter what," he buried his face into his friend's chest, hearing the beating of his heart, his eyes closing as a smile rolled across his face. "I don't want you to disappear, Juushirou…"
He listened to the beating of his friend's heart, hoping that if he were to fall asleep, he would hear the same sound when he awakened.
Sorry for taking so long...
