A/N: The plot thickens! Anyone still reading this, thank you very much. As Arthur would say, you're BRILLIANT! :) Without further ado, on with the story.

Disclaimer: Nope. Still not mine.

Episode Three

[Bustle of street, cars passing, people talking]

Martin: Douglas…

Douglas: What?

Martin: Um… what are you doing?

Douglas: It's rather a long list, I'm afraid. Thinking, breathing, walking, talking… being fabulous…

Martin: Douglas.

Douglas: …but right this second, Martin, I am entering a fancy dress shop.

Martin: Okay. Wrong question. I meant to ask 'why'. Why on Earth are you entering a fancy dress shop?

Douglas: I shall counter your question with two of my own. Firstly, what will you be wearing to attend the princess of Liechtenstein's birthday party?

Martin: Um. Well, I was just planning on wearing my uniform, actually.

Douglas: As I anticipated. The Captain cannot resist an opportunity to show off his rank. Since you will be wearing your uniform, I will need to be in possession of another one. My second question is thus: where can one purchase an airline pilot's uniform?

Martin: From official aviation suppliers?

Douglas: Allow me to rephrase the question. Where can one purchase a pilot's uniform of the quality that MJN Air is accustomed to?

Martin: …In a fancy dress shop. Oh!

Douglas: Precisely.

[Door of shop opens and closes, little bell rings]

Martin: Wait, hang on a second. Why do you need another captain's uniform? Surely you could just use the outfit you wore for Helena?

Douglas: An astute question. Unfortunately, under the terms of the divorce, Helena received ownership of all my old captain's things.

Martin: Oh.

Douglas: So, I stole them before she could take them and burned them in the dead of night. She may take my money, but she can never lay a finger on my pride.

Martin: …Right. I'm sorry, Douglas.

Douglas: Oh, what for?

Martin: Well, that- your relationship didn't work out. And that you don't have your captain's things any more.

Douglas: Yes, well, you're forgetting- neither does she. Besides, enough people mistake me for the captain as it is to keep my ego sufficiently boosted. And once in a while it's nice to be in the First Officer's seat- less stress, no knowledge that anything which goes wrong is your responsibility, the chance to mercilessly tease the captain… Now, Martin, which one should we get?

Martin: Um. Here, get this one.

Douglas: Just this, then.

Shop attendant: [smothered giggles]

Martin: [defensively] What? What's funny?

Shop attendant: Ptth… oh, nothing… it's just, two grown men, pilots of an airline, purchasing a pilot's costume…[giggles]

Martin: Hey! I really don't-

Douglas: [cutting in] Thank you, madam. Will that be all, or would you like another few minutes of mirth?

Shop assistant: Ahaha…sorry. Would you [snigger] like a bag for that?

Douglas: You know, I rather think we would. Thank you very much.

Shop assistant: Come back any time! Look, I'll even give you a penny off for the comic value.

Douglas: [bows] Thank you, thank you. We're here all afternoon.

[Shop door opens and closes, bell jangles]

Douglas: You know, Martin, you're looking rather red in the face. Shall we sit down?

Martin: Oh, wonderful. You know, I do manage to embarrass myself enough without you doing it for me.

Douglas: You still haven't asked why I wanted another pilot's uniform in the first place.

Martin: Do I want to know the answer?

Douglas: On second thoughts, probably not. Suffice it to say that it's to do with… [melodramatic whisper] the Plan.

Martin: I'm expecting a thunderstorm any minute. Is it really that necessary?

Douglas: Oh, absolutely! You will not be there. We need two pilots. We cannot get two pilots. I am capable of flying the whole trip, but Carolyn will not allow it. Therefore, Carolyn must not find out. Therefore, we must convince Carolyn of the presence of two pilots. And that means…

Martin: Oh, no.

[Whir of plane]

[Flight deck door opens and shuts]

Arthur: [dully] Coffee for you, Skip. And you, Douglas.

Martin: Thank you, Arthur.

Douglas: Thank you, Arthur.

Arthur: You're welcome.

[Flight deck door opens and shuts]

Martin: What did Carolyn give him?!

Douglas: I've no idea. Perhaps the sort of tranquilizer that keeps rampaging elephants calm.

Martin: I wouldn't put it past her.

Douglas: I'll go have a word with him. Do try not to crash the plane while I'm gone.

[Flight deck door opens and shuts]

Douglas: Arthur?

Arthur: [drearily] In here.

[Kitchen area door opens and shuts]

Douglas: How are you feeling?

Arthur: Fine.

Douglas: Not 'brilliant'? Something must be very wrong. Did Carolyn give you anything?

Arthur: Yes.

Douglas: And what was it?

Arthur: A talking-to.

Douglas: Ah, I see! Presumably forbidding you from ever drinking coffee again?

Arthur: Yep.

Douglas: I see that you're not feeling quite as cheerful as usual. Thankfully, I am a master at the art of cheeriness. First of all- Arthur, would you care for some pineapple juice?

Arthur: Yeah! Oh… I spilled it all.

Douglas: Not so fast. Whilst in Cardiff, I managed to procure a few essentials for the trip home…

Arthur: Wow! Douglas, you're a genius! How did you fit five cartons into your coat?

Douglas: When you've been in the import-export business as long as I have, you naturally develop a few tricks for transporting large amounts of items you don't want anyone else to know about. Now then. Arthur Shappey, for the first and probably last time in my life- I need your help.

Arthur: Brilliant! What for?

Douglas: Do you by any chance remember the time that you had to pretend to be the Captain?

Arthur: Oh, yeah! That was a good trip, wasn't it? I loved being Skip!

Douglas: It was indeed an experience for us all to remember. Now, listen very carefully, Arthur. This is what we're going to do.

[Flight deck door opens and closes]

Carolyn: Yoo-hoo, pilots! Oh. Pilot.

Martin: Hello, Carolyn.

Carolyn: And where's Douglas?

Martin: Talking to your son.

Carolyn: Well, I don't envy him that. Actually, Martin, there's something I wanted to discuss with you about the New Zealand trip.

Martin: I-

Carolyn: I can't let you out of it, Martin. But I can- and relish this because I will most probably never ever say it again- pay you for it.

Martin: What?!

Carolyn: The only reason that I consented to fly a gaggle of snobby pony girls, is that they're rich snobby pony girls. They can afford to pay us- and at more than the usual rate- which means, I can afford to pay you. Only for this trip, out and back, the same rate that Douglas gets.

Martin: Carolyn, I-

Carolyn: Of course, if you decide to stand me up and not fly, I will personally charge you for all MJN's loss of earnings.

Martin: And for a minute, I thought you were being nice. Thank you, Carolyn, I will bear it in mind.

[Flight deck door opens]

Douglas: …and remember, Arthur, you cannot tell Carolyn anything about this. At all.

Arthur: Righto, Douglas! No worries!

[Flight deck door closes]

Carolyn: Aha! What can't he tell me?

Douglas: Ah.

Carolyn: [dangerously] Arthur…

Arthur: Nothing, Mum! Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!

Carolyn: Arthur Shappey. What does Douglas not want me to know?

Douglas: Nice weather, isn't it? Such beautiful sunshine.

Martin: Um, Douglas, it's raining.

Douglas: And such beautiful rain!

Carolyn: Douglas…

Douglas: Oh, very well. Arthur, the game is up. We were simply making plans for your birthday present, Carolyn.

Arthur: Hang on, Douglas, that's not what – mmmpfffff-

Douglas: Obviously, we could tell you exactly what you'll be receiving from us- or you could leave it to be a surprise.

Carolyn: Well. I'm certainly surprised at your forward planning- especially seeing as my birthday isn't for another six months. However, I will give you the benefit of the doubt- for now. You need not tell me more.

Douglas: Oh goodie. Martin, you can release Arthur now.

Arthur: Mmmpffff. Phew!

Carolyn: And now, we shall leave you to fly the plane in peace. Arthur, come.

[Flight deck door opens and shuts]

Douglas: …Well. That was interesting.

A/N: Liked it? Hated it? Reviews are to authors what coffee is to Arthurs, or possibly what a baked potato is to Martin. :)