Disclaimer: I do not own Mario, Bowsette, any other game franchise properties or the Gulf of Mexico.
Betaed by: Zim'smostloyalservant
Chapter 3
The Plan!
The Destroyer of Morales
The core team had gathered in the officers mess of the Queen's Pride, seated around the table and under the gaze of the yet-to-be-painted-over mural of the crocodile king painted on the ceiling. Armed with a pointy stick and a dry erase board, Lamek was ready to address Bowsette and the Bosses with his master strategy.
"So step one, we covertly invade, no one the wiser," he said, pointing to a picture of a Koopa Troopa wearing a cowboy hat and handlebar mustache.
"Subtle, no one will expect it," Bowsette agreed, taking a sip of her coffee.
"Second, Her Majesty, in disguise, will commit several criminal acts to break her enemies' morale and learn their weaknesses." This picture showed Bowsette wearing a cowboy hat and mustache giving a generic fellow a wedgie.
"Step Three, you take over the Land of Hats," Lamek said, pointing to the final step. Which was just Bowsette laughing, wearing neither a cowboy hat nor a mustache.
"Brilliant! Why couldn't your dad ever get to the point this quick?" Bowsette asked.
"Um, aren't we missing some steps there- GAH" Larry spoke up, with his hand raised, before being blasted with a magic missile. Everyone looked at Lamek, who cleared his throat as he waved away the smoke from the spell.
"Umm, he spoke out of turn?" Lamek offered.
"Never mind that, set this glorious plan in motion! Soon it shall be the day rued by Mario! Bwahahahaha!" Bowsette cackled.
"…" Rage sipped her coffee as they all looked at the Queen.
"Well?! Get to work!" Bowsette commanded, kicking the table over.
Days Later:
The Queen's Pride soared through the skies, cutting through clouds and leaving a fan trail of exhaust in its wake. The blue sea below stretched far and wide, but at last land appeared on the horizon, mountains starting to make themselves clear.
"We have visual, New Continent, Land of Hats. Terminal Zero, verifying exact location with long distance sensors," Rage announced.
"Terminal Two, engaging cloaking device and radar scrambler," Anger followed up, hitting switches.
"Bwahahaha! So it begins. Soon they will know me. Then they will fear. Then they will hand over their loot. And then-" Bowsette cackled on her throne.
"Before they know you, we need to lay low. Since you insisted on departing before we had time to learn anything more than the newspaper said, we don't know too much about the people here," Lamek stated.
"Yeah, they could be like spider people who ride around on bigger spiders!" Shell shouted from where he stood, not doing much of anything.
"Or what their GDP is," Larry added.
"Fine! We play it sneaky and according to plan. Rage, find us a good landing zone that is both secluded and dramatically appropriate to the arrival of the new woe of this land!" Bowsette commanded.
"I'm not landing it in a swamp. It's very bad to sink into the ground," Anger grimaced. Rage nodded and sighed.
"Is that backstory foreshadowing?" Lamek asked.
"Kind of. But that's a past life we'd rather not talk about it," Anger muttered. She flinched as a black high-heeled shoe struck her head.
"Hey, don't kill my mood! You, minion, retrieve my shoe," Bowsette barked.
"Anyway, that flight was a real gas guzzler. We're almost out of gas," Rage remarked, tapping the fuel gauge, which was on P, which the legend designated as PANIC.
X X X
Anything not secured was blown away as the massive vessel descended from the sky. Its landing gear deployed, striking down onto the country road and into the surrounding farmer's field it was smooshing.
Bowsette hopped out of a hatch and ran over to the gas station. Grabbing the diesel nozzle, she began to run back to the ship. She stopped at the sight of a ruffled old man with thick glasses, watching her from the station porch.
"Nothing suspicious here! Just a normal law-abiding lady refueling her doom airship!" she told him, before resuming her sprint.
"I knew things would get weird with all these new fangled foreigners," he groused, pulling out a fresh piece of straw to chew on and grumble.
X X X
The Queen's Pride lowered into the spooky hollow, Shell still hauling away the last of the trees he had cleared. With a mighty pop, the airship touched down on the mossy soil, with grass stubs struggling through it.
A hatch swung open, and steel stairs folded down to crush a dramatically convenient wildflower. Bowsette emerged into sight and took a deep breath. She had traded her gown ensemble in for a trench coat slightly unbuttoned, a pair of aviator sunglasses, and a cap reading LAW ABIDER.
"Alright Bowsette Troop, time to get out there and get sneaky! Bawhahahaha!" Bowsette cackled, as other hatches opened, letting Koopa Troopas wearing different hats and fake mustaches march forth, scattering toward the towns and roads in the distance.
Bowsette reached the ground, followed by Lamek, who with a tap of his wand turned into a human version of himself in a suit. Behind him came Shell, wearing a muscle shirt and blonde toupee. Then Anger, wearing a sundress and sunglasses, and carrying Rage in her shell.
X X X
Bowsette popped out of the bush, adjusting her binoculars, taking in the province of Straw Hat Hills. Watching as farmers with straw hats went about their tending of the summer fields of wheat, soy beans, and delicious corn.
"Wow, not giant spider people at all," she remarked, before writing that down in her notepad, which she stuck back in her chest compartment.
The people of the Land of Hats, it seemed, were about the size of Mario, maybe a bit shorter? Nah, definitely shorter, she decided jotting that down. But they were so very scrawny, she thought, switching back to the binoculars. It was like sticks attached to a slightly thicker stick with a melon on top! And big feet on the shorter sticks in place of legs.
She watched one scrawny farmer struggle to not get swung by his own hoe. Snickering, Bowsette pondered what she was sneaking around for. This place was practically begging her to grab it by the legs and shake it 'til the lunch money fell out. Then the farmer put on a straw farmer hat and, with a poof of smoke, swelled up to broad-shouldered, lean muscleness, and started swinging that hoe like a pro, sending weeds flying from his field.
"Wow, nice hat," Bowsette said, tracking the farmer's progress until a wall of straw filled her vision. Lowering the binoculars' view revealed an oversized forehead with a unibrow seemingly imminent. Frowning, Bowsette lowered the binoculars to face the hatted farmer in front of her.
"Good day, Miss! Looking for the Farmer's Market?" he asked. Though he dared not meet her eyes, she noticed, pleased that his eyes were downcast.
"No," she said, standing up to her full height.
"Dang! Guess they grow everything big where you come from! You sure about the market? We got corn!" he said, whipping out an unshucked ear of corn.
X X X
Bowsette and the Bosses were chowing down on corn on the cob as Lamek and Larry reviewed the still inbound spy reports. And Rage was delicately eating her corn with slow, measured bits.
"This corn is great!" Bowsette declared.
"Yes, well done securing a supply line," Lamek said, not looking up from the paperwork.
"Yeah, they'd never suspect an evil invader having a daily delivery account with a Farmer's Market! Soon they will regret every radish!" Bowsette proclaimed.
"Yes, what was your excuse to the delivery truck again?" Lamek asked sarcastically.
"Well, with the uniforms, and super doom fortress, I just told him it was a scouts thing. We actually got five percent off for that! Hahaha! My scam is flawless and a cover story!" Bowsette proclaimed, raising a corn-filled fist in triumph.
X X X
"Stupid taxis," Bowsette grumbled, hunched over to fit in the local-sized taxi, with Lamek seated next to her.
"It was the quickest way to get to the big city, Your Majesty, as you refused to ride on my broom," Lamek remarked.
"Hey, wearing a trenchcoat flying like that is a bad idea. Besides, all these little guys running around, there are bound to be perverted little men among them."
"You could wear pants," he pointed out.
"Ha! I don't even own a pair of pants," Bowsette declared proudly, giving a thumbs up.
"Anyway, we have a map of the city and a copy of their legal code. So the plan is, while I compile intelligence at the cafes and coffee shops today, you begin your campaign to break their morale with low-level crimes," he said, as the cab reached an intersection. Fedora City spread around them, a thriving metropolis with people flying about in winged hats, advertisements rife with hat puns. And people of many colors and clothes, but all of the same body type, going about their busy lives.
"Right then, first, I'll stick you with the cab fare!" Bowsette declared, darting from the cab, cackling. Her escape was cut short by a car pulling up in the next lane. After a moment's hesitation, she reached down and flipped the car back, clearing her path. Smoothing out her trenchcoat, she cackled and ran on.
"You just ditched her and made her think it was her idea, right?" the cabbie asked, glancing back.
"Can you blame me?" Lamek asked.
"Yes, yes I do. I can't even get a date, and that was a fine-looking exotic woman there."
"Hmm, don't mind the tail, horns, and clear villainy?"
"Hey pal, this is the big city. Don't ask and don't judge, or you'll not get far."
"TIME TO BE SNEAKY!" Bowsette yelled somewhere.
X X X
"Hmm, my very presence is a disruption of public order," Bowsette noted, walking down the sidewalk and drawing looks from the locals who didn't even come up to her waist.
"Hmm, Lamek said to start small. Undermine their confidence in everyday life… Aha!" she exclaimed, spotting a hot dog stand at the corner, the Hatian running it wearing a magical vendor's hat.
"Hey!" she said, stepping elegantly up to him.
"What'll ya have?" the vendor asked, tongs at the ready.
"Your largest dog in the best bun with all your most expensive toppings. And make it two!" she ordered.
A crime and a meal; her evil was so efficient it would scare her if she wasn't so badass, she told herself, closing her eyes and savoring the moment. And that smell, that was good hot dog smell.
"Leviathan specials," the vendor said, snapping her from her evil and hot dog reverie. Indeed, a pair of foot-and-a-half longs nearly drooping under every topping known to Koopas were being held out to her. Giving a fang-filled smile, she took the bread-bound sausages.
"Oh wait, it seems my hands are full. Bwahahaha!" she cackled, dashing with her dining.
"Well, that's the most excited I've ever seen anyone about National Free Hotdog Day. Takes all kinds," he said, smiling fondly when the strange woman stopped barely half a block away and swooned over a bite of his hot dogs. Moments like that made it all worthwhile, he thought.
X X X
Sitting on a park bench by a fountain shaped like a top hat, Bowsette frowned, looking through a brochure.
"This is harder than I expected. As Bowser, I focused on the big stuff — take over the country, take over the world, kidnapping, out-partying Mario and ruling in every go-kart race. How can I cause havoc with little stuff?" she pondered. Normally she had toadies to delegate thinking on stuff like this too. Well, maybe Bowser couldn't do it, but-
"Oh! I do know an expert!" Bowsette realized.
X X X
Bowser Jr. was in his room, playing the same level in Koopa Smash Cousins IV for the fifth time. He grumbled at the cheap level design; he could have beaten it already if he was willing to sacrifice the red bird. But he wasn't. But he was willing to throw the controller at the TV.
Grumbling, he laid back on his beanbag chair and looked the room over. It was cluttered with all manner of things a Koopa lad might enjoy, and a corner was dedicated to his painting.
"Maaan. When's Mama going to be ready to fight Mario so we can do some fun stuff?" he whined. Then the phone on his nightstand rang.
"This better not be another sales call. I already own all the bridges in Sarasland!" he grumbled, lumbering over to the phone.
"Junior, glad to get ahold of you!" Bowsette said over the phone.
"Mama! Are you ready to kick Mario's butt?" he cheered.
"No. But I could use your help. If you wanted to cause trouble for adults while still keeping it 'small time', what would you do?" she asked.
X X X
"Okay then," Bowsette said, exiting the park and smiling, with her tail wagging happily. She checked off 'make a mess' from the list, "That litter should cover it."
"Hmm, bug them?" she muttered, tapping the next item listed with the butt of her pen. Looking around the city street, she noticed people avoiding a ragged man holding a sign declaring "THROW DOWN YOUR HATS!". He did seem to be running off the crowd with his rant. But she needed a sign. Slipping up behind the guy, she whistled a tune lightly, and punched him on top of the head.
"Yow!" they both yelled out.
"What is your head?!" she demanded, grabbing his sign board.
"I drink lots of milk," he muttered.
"Well, there!" Bowsette said, hitting him over the head with the sign. That pushed it over into knocking the guy out, but left her holding only a broken sign.
"Well darn it," she muttered, tossing it away and walking off.
X X X
"Bwahahaha! This is sure to bring the city to its knees. I have learned a lot of things cost money, and this big ole city must be expensive! So to deny them revenue will destroy their very society!" Bowsette cackled as she put another quarter in the parking meter. What had been a mere two minutes to ticket became thirty-two!
The meter maid gave her a flat look. Bowsette stuck out her tongue and ran to check the next meter.
X X X
Bowsette ran down the sidewalk in high heels, clutching a wallet. It turned out picking pockets was hard when you had to squat down to reach other people's pockets. And it made blending into the crowd that much harder, she thought, glancing back at the bob police-hatted cops chasing her, blowing whistles. But she had cunning on her side. Turning a corner sharply, she reached into her front hammer space, pulling out her emergency disguise.
When the police rounded the corner, they only spared a glance at the tall lovely lady wearing non-sunglasses, a mustache, and a straw hat. They were looking for someone who wasn't wearing those things, after all.
"Bwahahaha!" Bowsette said, twirling the mustache.
"Ohh, that does make the evil laugh different. I can see why Wario does it," she piped up, taking the cash from the wallet and tossing it aside.
X X X
The birds were singing. Little League was playing in the park, trees and flowers swaying the breeze. The fat kid was practically salivating as he unwrapped his candy bar. A picturesque day at a city park.
Then Bowsette snatched the chocolate from the kid and horked it down.
"Edmund! What did I say about sneaking sweets! Thank you, miss, for helping with his diet," the boy's mother said, wearing a shirt that said "coach".
"Huh," Bowsette said, as the boy was the one to get admonished. She frowned as the kid was dragged off by the ear and wiped the chocolate from her lips with the back of her hand.
She pulled a pocket watch out of her purse, checking the time and noting the dipping sun as the city started to shift gears. Tucking the purse back into her hammer space, she rummaged around for something else. Ignoring pedestrians watching her, Bowsette noted an impressively big and dignified-looking building.
"Well, time for this day of terror for the city to come to an end… WITH A BANG!" she declared, pulling out a Bob-omb.
"BWAHAHA!"
*BOBOMBOBOOM*
As the building collapsed under its own weight, Bowsette hiked up her trenchcoat and practically skipped away triumphantly, failing to notice the KEEP OUT DEMOLITION SITE sign.
XXX
"WHAT?!" Bowsette screamed, her fiery breath setting her newspaper on fire. Larry handed her his so she could crumple it in outrage while she tossed the burned piece of newspaper she still held onto at Lamek.
She was taking brunch with the Bosses of her troop in the sky fortress mess. A poster of her glorious self was covering most of the mural of the former alligator king painted on the ceiling.
"Friend or foe?! Bizarre mix of kindness and delinquency? Opinions vary!? The front page story is on a new flavor of ice cream! What's wrong with these people?! They should be quaking in fear of my evil!" Bowsette said, swinging the newspaper to whack Lamek on the head with the backswing.
"Well, we spent the whole day at the day spa and didn't pay a cent at the end. And we didn't get our names in the paper," Anger remarked, sadly biting a piece of bacon. Rage's shell sat on top of her already clean plate, snores emitting from it.
"I am Shell! And I busted trees in the countryside. Pretty sure I traumatized some teenagers!" Shell said, pounding the table with his fist. Which made Anger's coffee cup fly up and spill its contents on her head. Spitting fire, the Koopa woman leapt onto Shell, who was knocked on his back as he tried to fend the firebreather off.
"Umm, I got brochures and a list of budget dining options," Larry said as the battle raged behind him.
"Well I-" Lamek began, rubbing his snout before Bowsette bopped him right on the hat.
"What did I say that sounded like 'how was your day yesterday'?! This is about me! Their morale is not in tatters; I'm not sure it's even scuffed at this point. What else could I do without being big and loud to make them fear me as well they should?!" Bowsette bemoaned. She planted her face in the table and groaned.
"Your day planner, Your Majesty," Shellhead said, putting the notebook into her hands.
"How'd you get here?" Larry asked as Shellhead started to walk off.
"I am Shellhead!" Shellhead answered. Bowsette whacked him with her tail, sending him slamming into the wall.
"You still don't work here," Bowsette grumbled, flipping though the book.
"I take it you are going to rush out and try to establish yourself as a villain with little thought?" Lamek asked. He, Larry, and Bowsette picked up their plates and drinks as Shell tossed Anger, sending her sliding across the table. Rage, however, was knocked off the table and started ricocheting around the room, knocking Lamek right off his chair.
"Nah, it's a mother-son weekend. You guys do what you want for now," Bowsette said, grabbing Rage's shell before it hit her in the back of the head. Rage's head popped out and the rest of her followed, letting her clothesline Shell as he charged past her. Bowsette dropped her employee without comment, and got up from the table.
"I'll pick this up Monday. Junior has years worth of mother-son stuff he's going to try and burn through in two days. I don't need sleep anyway," she said, stretching.
"Ahh, that's sweet. I am Shell!" Shell said from his spot on the floor, as the twins started to kick him while he was down.
"Well, he's my kid, of course I'm sweet to him. I have a tender and loving black heart of evil," Bowsette said with a proud smirk as she picked up Shellhead and carried him to the porthole. Which she opened and tossed him out of.
He and everyone else in the room screamed as the wind roared, sucking them out. Bowsette just held her Best Momma cap in place while frowning at the open porthole. Then Shell slammed into it, plugging the hole quite thoroughly and generating an embarrassing suction noise.
"Well, that was weird. The ship's on the ground right now. Meh, I'm sure they'll be okay — evil's like a refried extra bean burrito with scorned lover hot sauce poured on it. It only seems to go down, and then rises again with fury."
"I am SHELL!" Shell said, pounding a fist onto his chest. Which might have been impressive if he wasn't upside down.
"Sure you are. I'm going to go pick up Junior at the airport. You Bosses can do whatever you like to advance the cause. But you'll report to me when I get back. SO NO SLACKING!" Bowsette shouted, before ducking out of the empty room, leaving Shell stuck to the wall.
Author's Note:
Sorry its so late. Hope it was entertaining anyway. Next episode we have weekend hijinks as Bowsetre bonds with Junior and her quirky squad performs unsupervised activities!
