The Perfect Silhouette
"Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the fattest of them all?"
Sam had waited until she heard the last bell ring before she stepped into the bathroom; she wanted to make sure there was no chance of anyone walking in on her. She was feeling very uncomfortable about what had happened at lunch, though she was not surprised, the day after she purged was one of the hardest, she felt gross and disgusting the day after, but after lunch, when she was alone, she felt the need to go back into the lunch room and dig through the trash until she found her unfinished food and eat until she exploded.
All she could think about was food, it was her best friend and her worst enemy, but I was all that ever consumed her mind. She loved the smell of it, the feel of it, even the look of it, and all she ever wanted to do was be around it, but not eat it, being around it, you never eat it, and that's what she had done, she had broken her rule, and now she had to pay for it.
You've been a naughty girl Sammi, the voice swirled around her. Sam covered her ears, she didn't want to hear the voice telling her how bad she had been, she knew it, Why do you do this to me?
"I'm not doing anything to you," she growled into the air.
But you are Sammi, you're making me so sad, The voice told her, All I'm doing is trying to help you, you want to be pretty right?
She paused for a moment, she felt like there was almost another presence in the room, like someone was behind her, but when she turned around, no one was there, Why do you always have to ignore me, you never listen to me anymore, you used to listen to me before.
Sam began to become nervous, she wouldn't lie to herself that she had heard this voice before, months ago when she first started all this, but she never thought much of it, and gave into whatever she was thinking. Sam never really gave this voice a second thought, never acknowledged it, never replied to it, but she would follow every instruction given by it, but soon she started going off the tracks three weeks into it.
She would buy candy, feeling so weak that she just couldn't contain or restrain herself, but after three weeks of nothing other than water and rice she couldn't stop. She only wanted that one slice of pizza, she swore that's all she wanted, but everything seemed to come crashing down in that moment where she lost control, where she went to the store down the street, bought 35 dollars' worth of candy and sweets and gave into the craving.
She ate and ate, shoving more and more food down her throat even when she knew she was full and her stomach couldn't take anymore, but she still unwrapped every last piece of chocolate, every single Fat Cake ripped open, every package of candy eaten, and chugged down every last drop of high calorie soda, until she felt her body burst, and she loved every minute of it.
She loved the sweet taste on her tongue, the way it stuck to her teeth and the smooth feeling of it sliding down her throat. She felt a natural high from it, the happy feeling sending large amounts of endorphins to her brain, making her smile, her eyes rolling into the back of her head, but it all ended in a flash.
It was like that day three weeks before, she couldn't control what happened than, and it seemed to have taken a life of its own. The carbon form the pop and the sugar didn't seem to mix, it twirled and danced in her stomach, and she soon could feel it building up in her body. She couldn't stand, her head spun and eyes blurred and she wasn't able to stop what came next.
The combination made its unstoppable way up, shooting straight into her esophagus. She tried to contain it in her mouth, the mixture swishing around her tongue and teeth, but it became too much as more and more piled up and she had to breath, and let it spill out over her lips and onto the carpet.
"Just leave me alone," she said annoyed, making her way over to the stalls.
You wouldn't want that, you need me, it laughed, knowing all too well.
"I don't need you; I've never needed you, or anyone else!" Sam screamed over the voice, gripping onto the cold metal of the stall beside her.
Don't lie to yourself Sammi, you've always needed me, you don't even seem to realize what a disgusting mess you would be without me, the voice's tone was low and harsh.
"I've lived long enough without you, so shows how much you know," Sam laughed smugly, not even noticing that she in fact to an outside person, would be talking to herself.
And you can see how well that worked out huh? the voice laughed along with her, Sam's dying down along with it, Look at you, your chubby cheeks, your thunder thighs, your bulging stomach, but you're getting better Sammi with my help, soon you'll be beautiful.
Sam let her hands caress down her stomach, and she bet if she actually looked down she would be able to see the fat hanging out from under the baggy shirt, So you see it huh?
Sam couldn't deny that it was right, it had taken care of her for the two months, three months tomorrow, and she wouldn't have made it this far, wouldn't have had that much ambition to keep this up if it hadn't given her the helping words and caring suggestions.
It's nice to know that your finally seeing things my way, don't worry my Sammi, everything will be fine, I'll take care of you nice and good, the voice cooed.
"This isn't right," Sam muttered.
Stop contradicting me Sammi, I've been with you for so long, and yet you have yet to thank me, the voice sounded angry, You would be NOTHING without me, so how about you shut up and listen!
"You're not real though, you're in my head," she whispered, almost trying to hide it form the voice.
I'm as real as you want me to be, it told her gently, I've done everything, and will continue to do everything, in my power to help you, to make you happy, because I care Sammi.
"How can you care about me, you're not real," Sam was becoming nervous, she felt as if she was going insane.
You're not insane Sammi, your just scared that no one will love you, but I do, Sam felt as if she could even feel the voice smile while it spoke, I care about you, that's why I'm doing this.
Sam nodded her head, almost afraid to speak, Oh Sammi, I'm so glad you finally agree, it cheered, Now let's see if you can remember what we do when we break the rules, can you do it?
"Yeah," She said mindlessly, almost like something was controlling her body and she wasn't about to stray away from it, letting it take over her.
Sam began to walk towards the stall, opening it enough to let herself in, And don't forget Sammi, this is our little secret, because you wouldn't want them to take you away from me right?
Sam shook her head again, the voice smiling again, even though she couldn't see it, she could just feel it against her skin, making her shiver.
"What are you?" she questioned, the hold on her body seemed to disappear as she asked the question that she had plagued her mind for weeks.
She felt a shiver run down her spine and her body grow cold, the voice was laughing, but the screech scratching her ears, but as the echo she was so used to, so comfortable with turned into a solid voice, she felt her face pale and her blood grow cold.
She was afraid to turn around, every inch of her mind was telling her to run, to close her eyes and forget all about this, but her being Sam never listened to common scene, and her curiosity took over, and she turned around.
Her body stiffened, her mouth open in a silent scream. She pressed her back against the hard gray metal of the bathroom stall, fingers curled around the sides to hold herself up.
She was met with her own face, her body, her eyes, and her hair, but it was different. The body was closer to the mirror than she, cutting off at the shoulders, her face a thin and tan, eyes bright with excitement, and her hair placed perfectly at her sides, smiling brightly at her with pure white teeth.
"I'm you."
Disclaimer; I do not own iCarly or any of the character.
Well this is a filler, tying up two previous incidents, I thought that this chapter, though yes, it's SHORT, was good enough to stand alone, so the next one should be up very soon!
Also I think I've finally found a way to keep Sam in character, but also show how the disorder is messing with her head. Sam loves food, there's no getting around that, and Sam having an eating disorder is a lot harder to wrote than any other character because of that fact, so I think I have a way to please myself as a writer and to please you as my readers and ALSO keep Sam in character. So that will show up soon.
Enjoy!
-Stolie Silver.
