6am and he still lay awake in his own cold bed.
Castiel had spent the remainder of the prior day pacing his bedroom floor, his eyes sore from the amount of tears that he had produced. He was too afraid to even leave his room after what had happened. Too afraid to even sleep.
This was awful. Things had quickly turned from bad to catastrophic in the span of hours. How the hell had his entire life turned sideways so quickly?
Once his feet were aching from tracking, he had sat up in bed, a pair of old boxer briefs pulled up around his hips. He had been doing that thing again. That nervous thing he did, where he scratched at his thighs in fretfulness until they were raw and red.
A thousand threads of doubt and loathsome criticism danced around him in milestones of color, overloading his vision in a painting of sorrow. The threads seeped through his skin, caking to his insides and pulling tight, wrapping around his stomach, making him nauseous, constructing the muscles of his legs, making them weak, cutting into his lung, making it hard to breath.
He couldn't believe himself. He was so fucked up.
He lost Dean and now he had lost Sam as a friend, forever. Things could never be the same. The colors blended together, confusing his brain as it ran in circles, overloading. He faded in and out of near panic attacks, teetering on the edge of a meltdown for hours with absolutely no way to calm himself.
Christ, he hates himself. Never in his life had the idea of revenge fucking ever appealed to him. And with Sam? Arguably his best friend, besides Dean? The love-of-his-life's kid brother who he watched grow up, who he spent the majority of his life looking out for, who had and never would hurt him. Shit, he was fucked up.
Every awful thing that Dean had ever said to him, every venomous name, every derogatory slang felt true. He was self-conscious, he was pathetic. He was nothing.
His world was spinning too fast to keep up, everything shifting and falling off of the shelves. What the fuck would he do? What does he say when he see's Dean again? He has to see him, all of Dean's stuff was here. What would they do with the house? The furniture? Was he allowed to even talk to Benny any more? Charlie? John? Mary?
He couldn't even bring himself to look at Sam. He should have never given into his impulse.
Sam was a great guy. He was one of Cas' best friends, but... He knew how Sam felt about him.
Sam had always been interested in him, at least as long as he could remember. Cas figured he had never said anything because of Dean. And to fuck with his emotions like that...? That was a new level of low.
He never meant for any of this to happen. He meant it when he said that he was done with Dean but that sure as hell didn't mean he didn't still love him. Dean was the love of his life, but if Dean didn't love him back as much as he used to then he wasn't going to keep fighting to stay in a dying relationship.
He was so messed up. It was all too much. He just wanted to curl up in bed and never wake up.
It wasn't until almost 8 that Cas heard movement in the house. Someone crossed down the hall and eventually exited the house. A peak down the hall to Sam's empty room showed that it was him leaving for school for the day.
Cas threw on a pair of pajama pants, his schedule free of work and only giving him more agonizing time to think about what had happened. He had spent the morning eating ice cream and junk food, a cloud of depression settling over him as he watched reruns of Judge Judy.
He searched for anything that would take his mind off of things, alternating between wishing that Dean would walk through the front door and never wanting to see his face again. He caught himself tearing up whenever someone's own personal court drama struck too close to home for him, finally saving himself by switching on a documentary. It was quality and entertaining, describing the lives of some of history's most ruthless dictators.
He knew he should probably get up and do something productive. Clean the house, run to the store, work on some paperwork, but everything seemed like too much effort. His entire body felt weighted down, his head foggy with disinterest.
Around 1pm he finally shut the tv off, making his way back to the master bathroom for a much needed shower. He spent an abnormally long time in there, zoning out as the warm water glided over his spent muscles. He hadn't even done anything today and he still felt exhausted.
He stole away back to his room, firmly shutting the door and enclosing himself in before Sam would returned home.
This had turned out to be a mistake however, his body guiding him to his bed where he found the smell of Dean everywhere. He had spent the better part of an hour with his face buried into his loves' pillow, tears freely flowing again as his brain decided to trace over every happy moment that they shared together since high school. The only good thing about this was that the overwhelming feeling of missing Dean shadowed his self loathing for what had happened with Sam.
He spent the remainder of the night moping, trying to finish some paperwork in vain. He waited until he heard Sam retreat to bed before tiptoeing to the kitchen for a meager dinner of cold pizza and water.
When he had finally fallen asleep, his dreams had been of broken memories, smiles that no longer seemed real, and shadows of his own regrets.
It wasn't until the next day that he saw Dean again. As far as he knew, Sam should have left for his night classes an hour or so ago, leaving the house empty.
When he had finally gotten home from work it was to find a very familiar black Impala parked in the drive way. He pulled up, seeing the tired looking form of Dean siting on the porch, his head hanging low.
He pulled into the driveway, his Lincoln Continental paling in comparison, as it always had, to the other mans' car. He sat for several long minutes, trying to pull himself together before finally stepping out of his car on shaky legs.
He approached the other man carefully, his head still hung as he drew near. Cas halted a couple of feet from him, waiting until Dean looked up. His candy apple eyes shon bright in the late evening light, his lips parsed together in thought, "Hey."
Cas shifted the weight of his feet, "Hey."
There was a long silence as the two battled themselves, trying to keep eye contact and failing.
It was Dean who took a deep breath first, "I uh- left my house key in the kitchen and- um, no one was home."
"Oh... Yeah, I thought I saw it in there somewhere."
"So..."
Cas felt his breath stutter, "So...?"
Dean finally forced himself to keep eye contact, "Can we, uh, talk? Inside maybe?"
Cas blinked a few times as he tried to will himself to believe that this had to be done, "Of course."
Cas led them in, trying to keep a reasonable distance as he unlocked the door and deposited his briefcase on the kitchen table.
Dean motioned for him to follow and Cas did as they trailed back to their shared bedroom.
As Dean shut the door, he cleared his throat, "Would you like to- uh, sit down?"
Cas nodded stiffly as he did, making himself comfortable on the edge of the bed as he kicked his shoes and overcoat off.
It was quiet for a few long stressful moments as Dean began to pace in front of him, his own jacket staying on. Cas ran a hand over his face in awkwardness as Dean appeared to take another long deep breath.
"Okay, so, listen-"
Cas was ready for this but he sure as hell wasn't ready. He let out a deep sigh as he leaned forward slightly, "So how do you want to do this?"
Dean stopped his pacing, as he steadied a hurt look directly at him, "Don't- don't do this."
God damn did he love this man. It was particularly that reason that he couldn't look at him, not with the thought of what he had done threatening to push its way back into his mind, "Dean, I know this is hard. But if you meant what you said-"
Dean charged forward, placing his hands on Cas' knees and leaning into him, "But I didn't, Cas! I didn't mean a goddamn word of it. That's why I came."
Cas was taken aback, yet he shook his head in disbelief, "Dean-"
Dean took hold of his face, gentle palms cupping his cheeks, "Hey, no- can I just-? Cas, baby, please, I practiced this a million times in the car on the way over here, just let me talk."
Cas stared up at him with big doe eyes, unable to prevent the swirl of guilt and heartbreak that overtook him.
"I was stupid, okay? No, actually I was downright idiotic. I'm a fucking moron, Cas, but than again you knew that." Dean stroked a thumb over his quivering skin.
"I shouldn't have said the things that I did, I wasn't thinking, and you know what? You're right. What you were asking me wasn't outlandish at all. I just-" Dean glanced up as he blinked repeatedly a few times, "I don't know what to do sometimes, okay? I panic and I get scared that you won't agree with some of the choices that I make."
From here, Cas could see the threat of tears in his eyes, "You're right, you have a right to know things, fuck, we used to tell each other everything. So here it is," Dean took a deep breath, removing his hands from Cas' face and steadying them on the bed on either side of his waist, "Lisa did make a move on me. Benny, Garth, her, and I went out for a drink after closing up and she ran her hand up my thigh. I talked to her later and told her I was in a very committed relationship and not interested. She understood and she dropped it." He was silent for a long moment, seemingly struggling with what he would say next, "But, later she introduced me to her son, Ben, he's a great kid, and she would occasionally bring him into the shop when she didn't have anyone to watch him. He's so smart, he likes to tag along with me when I'm working and I'd tell him how stuff worked and there would be times that she'd ask me to watch him after I got off until she did too."
Dean told his story with sagged shoulders, like he was ashamed.
"It kinda became routine, yah know?" He chuckled.
Cas searched his close features for a long time, he wasn't sure if he believed him but his deliverance seemed so genuine. He knew he was making a confused face, when Dean kept dropping his eyes in fear of judgment, "Okay... So why didn't you just tell me that?"
Dean took a long breath, more out of need to stall, "Well... It's weird. Because I love Ben, he's amazing, and it got me thinking 'I want my kid to be just like him some day', so... I started to fool myself, ya know? I would catch myself pretending that he was mine and when I realized I was doing it... It felt wrong... Like I was cheating or something and I didn't want you to think that- that I was chasing some family that we could never really have. At least not by blood anyway."
Cas didn't know what to say. He didn't have to come up with anything thankfully before Dean purses his lips, his eyes watering, as he bent down between Cas' knees, "Because I do, Cas. I want to have a family. But I want to have it with you."
The tears finally spilled over Dean's normally dry lids. He had only ever seen Dean cry a few times in all the years they had been together.
He folded one of his calloused palms over Cas' hand and squeezed, "I know- I know I'm an asshole sometimes and- and I don't deserve it, but-"
Dean paused as he gazed through his bitter tears, mapping Cas' face as he had done a million times in love, "please? Cas, please, I am literally on my knees right now, begging you to give me another chance. Because- because I can't with out you. I can't survive. I'd live sure, but- but I wouldn't want to. And that's- exactly what was playing over and over and over again in my mind the last couple of days when I was sleeping on Benny's couch."
He took Cas' face back into his hands. Cas blinked to the feel of stinging in his eyes. He hadn't even noticed that he was crying too.
He was the worst kind of person.
"It's you, angel, it's always been you. It'll always be you."
A thousand shards of glass where puréeing in his chest right now. He couldn't tell him. He wanted to, God knows he did, but he felt his lips part and freeze, his mouth uncomfortably dry, "Dean..."
He rested their foreheads together, "I love you, Castiel Shurley. Even when I hate you, I love every Goddamn thing about you." Dean ever so slightly shook his head, whispering, his breath a whimper, "Please... Please don't go..."
Cas lay a hand over one of Dean's, his warmth and his security wrapping him up in a blanket of solidarity, "Okay." He tried to force a smile. He wanted to say that he couldn't do it without Dean either, the words tasting too foul on the ridge of his mouth. He wanted to weep, to collapse into Dean's arms and have him say it was going to be alright. But his honesty would only take this moment away, a moment that he so desperately needs right now in order to stray from falling apart. "Shh, I'm not going anywhere... I'm not- I love you."
Cas lay in bed after the most painful dinner he had ever had to trudge through.
Once they had talked about working on their relationship and the communication that it sometimes lacked, Cas and Dean had tried to go on as if nothing had happened. The weight of the other night had dulled with Dean's calming presence, an effect that the other man had always had on him. They had curled up on the couch together while dinner was in the oven, flipping through channels. The pair retreated into an old game they had used to play, if only to recapture the feeling they had used to have when their relationship was still new. Turning down the volume they paused as each channel changed, making up voices and stories to string together until they were curled in on each other laughing. Their interactions had been forced and unrefined at first, each trying their hardest to pull themselves back a few years before everything had been routine and hectic. It was a strange concept. To fall into old routines in order to derive from the new one. But it worked.
Until Sam came home.
He had walked in, freezing in shock when he saw his older brother wrapped around Cas in the living room. Dean had rubbed his head in meekness, apologizing for all the commotion a couple of days prior. He had told Sam that everything was alright, however, and that he and Cas were going to work on strengthening themselves as a couple and that he promised things were going to go back to normal. Dean had no idea that that was an impossibility.
Sam had glowered, his brother taking it for face value, assuming Sam was mad at him for walking out. Sure Sam was still pissed about that but it was shadowed by his astonishment and unfathomable hurt that Cas had left him completely high-and-dry to give Dean another chance. Dean had no idea.
Cas spent dinner strategically avoiding eye contact with Sam, conversation being kept to as few words as possible. Every time Dean caught his eye though, Cas dusted a smile on reflex.
The few times that he and Sam had made eye contact across the dinner table, he purses his lips, his eyes begging Sam to keep quiet. He had somehow managed to fix something he thought was unfixable and he wasn't willing to let it slip away. To his credit, Sam didn't say a word about the other night. He didn't mention their fight, he didn't mention what had happened between him and Cas, and he didn't mention how the blue-eye'd man hadn't said a word to him since.
Once they finished eating Cas had bolted from the room, unable to stand another minute between the two men who had been his entire life for as long as it counts. He had retreated to the bathroom, his anxiety through the roof as he tried to calm himself down. A few minutes later, Dean knocked asking if he was alright. He quickly stripped down to his boxers and hastily telling his lover that he was exhausted and ready for bed. He brushed his teeth and straightened himself out, not wanting Dean to question why he was so disheveled. Dean, seeming happy to just be back at home, pecked him on the lips when he came out, saying he was going to take a shower first before he joined Cas in bed.
Now he lay awake, wrapped under the comforter and listening to the shower run, his eyes darting up and down the paint chipped wall, trying to map out every flaw. His half lidded eyes strayed upward when the bathroom door opened in their lit bedroom. Dean strolling out with nothing but a red towel tied around his waist and a mismatched graphic one being teased over his hair, capturing the water droplets that still clung to him.
Dean looked tired, a content smile edged onto his lips as he flitted about their bedroom, throwing his dirty cloths in the hamper, his watch and wallet being stored on their dresser top.
Cas wracked his eyes over Dean's body, his healthy looking love handles glistening with rivulets of moisture. An image skirted across his mind and he couldn't help but notice the differences between Dean and Sam's body that stuck out. Where Dean carried a slight pudge to him that Cas loves, Sam is firmly built, all muscles and flat surfaces that Cas took interest in. The thought was unwelcoming, making Cas' stomach turn, a surge of hatred towards himself splashing over him. He turned over in bed, trying to get comfortable and closing his eyes so that maybe, just maybe Dean will think he is already asleep.
Either way didn't seem to matter however, Dean having shut off the light and approach their bed with soft steps. Cas was taken slightly off guard when his side of the bed dipped down, Dean leaning over him with a hand comfortably running up the blanketed form of his leg and resting on his waist.
Cas could feel the hot steam from the shower still clinging to him, the weight bending down as Dean placed a loving kiss on his cheek. Cas hummed in contentment, "You're going to get the bed all wet" he half heartedly grumbled from beneath his covers.
Dean kissed his cheek a few more times before moving down his jaw, pulling the blanket down ever so slightly so he could trail his assault down Cas' neck. "Maybe" Dean muttered between kisses, "maybe that's part of the plan."
Cas instinctually craned his neck to give Dean better access, pulling the blanket down even more. Finally, together, they lifted one side of the comforter, Dean shucking off the towel still around his waist and crawling into bed on top of Cas. Dean took the opportunity to capture the other man's lips, sucking on them greedily. Cas turned onto his back leisurely wrapping his arms around his love as their kissing deepened.
He was so conflicted. His brain flipping circuits too quickly to be healthy. He loves Dean, always has and always will, but the moment was tainted with the protruding memory of who had been bent over him, exactly like this, only 42 hours ago. He squeezed his eyes shut, begging the guilt to subside long enough to enjoy having Dean back in his arms again. While what had happened didn't technically count as cheating, Dean having very clearly left him, Cas couldn't help but feel he had stabbed Dean in the back. Now, he was just trying to keep the metaphorical wound from bleeding, putting pressure on it to keep Dean alive while he muttered apologies that fell on already dead ears.
Cas moaned and arched up when Dean ground his naked form down onto him, sparking physical interest from him. His arousal felt dirty in some way, no matter how sweetly
Dean kissed him or how gently he caresses his skin.
Dean took particular pleasure in laying soft kisses anywhere he could find, whispering sweet words of 'beautiful' and 'perfect' that swirled around 'sorry's and 'never again'.
Cas placed a soft hand on Dean's chest, nudging him to sit up. He used the space to reach over to the bedside table, fishing out their usual bottle of lube. Dean grinned eagerly, tentatively taking the bottle from his hand.
There was a long moment of silence as Dean let his hand with the bottle lay against the sheets. He didn't rush to open it in any fit of passion, he didn't devour Cas' lips, or ravish his body in a hurry. Their long moment stole Cas' breath away.
The love reflecting in Dean's eyes mirrored what once was. It reminded him of the way Dean used to look at him when they were still in the 'honeymoon' phase. The corner of Dean's lip curved up in an easy smile, his eyes sparkling, even in the dimly lit room. He trailed a finger over the line of Cas' jaw, breathing slow.
Dean hadn't looked at him like that in a long time.
Unable to take it anymore, Cas leaned forward to place a soft kiss on his lips. He couldn't bare to have Dean look at him like that right now. So many nights he had craved for nothing else, but tonight, with all that had happened... With Sam... He didn't think his heart could take it.
Instead, Cas wrapped a single hand around the nape of his neck, keeping Dean too close to see the cracks expanding inside of him.
Dean, oblivious, snuck a hand between them to tug Cas boxers down and off, dropping them off the edge of the bed. Sightlessly, he deposited a dollop of lube over his fingers, nudging Cas legs apart so he could prep him.
Cas would be lying if he said he didn't zone out for most of the foreplay, too caught up in his own head. He felt as if he were only partially there. Like a part of him, the part of him that was truly and wholeheartedly happy, was locked away in a box within the walls of his mind, banging on the sides, begging to come out.
Before he knew it, Dean was artfully sliding into him, the stretch pulling him out of his whirlwind. He let out a huff with the familiar size, running his hands up and down Dean's back in encouragement. For the second time this week, he just didn't want to think.
Dean set a leisurely pace. Taking his time with the heated drag of skin on skin. It felt incredible, not in the sensual or fiery way. Just to have Dean, his Dean, making genuine love to him again.
They hadn't had sex like this in a long time either.
They had admittedly fallen into a droll routine of standard sex these last couple of years, only occasionally dissipated by something eccentric on a special occasion. It felt incredible to feel like Dean actually wanted to have sex with him because he loves him. Not just because he wants to get off or because their schedules just happened to match up and they were bored.
Dean sucked possible marks into his neck as he thrust, rolling his hips to punctuate how much he was happy to be back. Cas felt something break inside of him as he blinked up at the ceiling, arms still wrapped around Dean's back. He felt the sting of tears again as shame flooded back in. Nowhere was safe.
He fucked up. What happened with Sam was a mistake. At the time, he was weak, he was crushed and in desperate need of comfort. Sam... Sam had just said the right things at the right time. It meant nothing. All of these things he told himself, over and over again.
He loves Dean. And it is for this reason that Cas swore to let this die with him. He could never tell Dean.
And, he needed to talk to Sam. As much as he dreaded it, he needed to make sure they came to an understanding.
Cas threw his head back, a gasp leaving his lips as Dean brushed his prostate. He angled slightly, a slow message working up over the spot and driving Cas crazy. He moaned Dean's name openly, over and over again, urging for more, just that little bit that would send him careening over the edge.
Dean wrapped a hand around his member, pumping him slowly to match his thrusts. Cas whined as Dean ghosted his lips over Cas' ear, whispering sweet promises and encouragement.
He swore his love in response, his orgasm finally taking hold and releasing messily between them. Dean still kept up his slow pace as he milked his orgasm from him, chanting Cas' name. It was the first time since their early years that he could remember Dean finishing so closely to him. Their sexual appetites had never been so in sync.
Their morning routine had been hindered with divulgent kisses, sharing a shower that wasn't meant for two.
Cas noticed Dean being far more affectionate with him, winking charmingly as he made his way out of the house for work.
Cas had an extra half hour before he really needed to leave, sipping his second cup of coffee in the kitchen. He was staring pensively at the half empty pan of mini croissants on the counter when he heard footsteps.
He didn't need to look to know who it was, taking a deep breath as he tried to gather the courage to get through today.
He glanced over his shoulder to see Sam with his back turned to him, rustling in the fridge.
He bit his lip in contemplation, "Sam-"
"Sounds like you guys had a nice reunion last night."
"Listen, we need to talk"
Sam emerges from the fridge with a jug of milk, placing it on the counter and facing him, "Oh, now we need to talk?"
"Sam-"
"Why don't you start with what the hell is going on?"
Cas set his coffee mug down, the sound it makes feeling like a gunshot, "Sam, I'm sorry about what happened. It was wrong, and I can't take it back, but I'm sorry. Dean and I-"
"Seem to be wasting your time again."
"Sam-"
"You know he's just going to fuck you over again, right? He is literally playing you right now, and you're okay with that?"
"Sam, what happened between Dean and I was just a snag, okay? I love your brother, end of story."
Sam let out a mock laugh as he shut the fridge, "Why do you do that? Why do all the nice, amazing people in this world set themselves up for abuse?"
"I'm sorry, okay? But this-" he motioned between them for emphasis, "-this is never going to happen. I was scared and lonely and completely out of my head when that happened, I made a mistake. What happened was just a mistake."
"Yeah? Well, it wasn't to me. I meant it. What I said? Everything that I said, I meant."
Cas shook his head, "No, Sam, no you didn't, you know why? Because even if a part of you believes that, a bigger part knows that it was wrong, knows that there is no possibility of a future between us."
"You don't know what I believe."
Cas leaned back on the counter, throwing a hand up in exasperation, "Seriously? What, what you would tell our kids that you stole me from your brother and ruined the family just to have me? That the reason they don't get to see their grandparents or their uncle is because we aren't welcomed?"
Sam swayed a little in his place, "I never knew you wanted kids."
"Sam, that's not the point, the point is that what happened between us was a mistake and I am asking you to let it go. We both just need to let it go."
Sam turned to dig out a bowl and a box of cereal, his silence setting Cas on edge. He turned to pour the rest of his coffee down the drain, no longer interested in finishing it. He turned to leave, scooping his keys up from the table when he heard Sam call after him, "You don't have to do this, Cas. It doesn't have to be like this."
He pursed his lips, letting the statement sink in a moment as he made his way to the door. It really does though.
The week was grueling, every moment, alone and not, varying in degrees of uncomfortableness. He was a prisoner in his own home. In his own skin.
When Cas was alone, all he could do was spin himself in circles. When he was alone with Dean, he felt as if he were a million miles away. When he found himself alone with Sam, he was straining to be himself. And when the trio spent fragments of time together, he was someone else.
He didn't know which way was up anymore. For periods of time, as the frame of what had happened grew larger, Cas managed to block out his own thoughts, drowning them in work, sex, and the occasional extra sleeping pill.
It appeared that Sam had conceded to pretending like nothing happened, of which Cas was eternally grateful for. Until he wasn't. Time had stretched into almost two weeks before Sam brought it up.
It was a quiet Sunday evening, Dean having gone fishing with his father and a few of his friends. Cas was in the laundry room, idly folding linen when he felt a presence watching over him. He whipped his head around, jumping in temporary fright before realizing who it was, "Christ, don't sneak up on me."
Sam stood leaning against the door frame, a bored looking expression encompassing his face, "Sorry."
Cas turned back around to finish folding the now crumpled towel in his hands, readjusting the edges, "What's up?"
There was a long bout of silence, something that Cas had slowly grown accustom too recently. He didn't bother engaging the younger Winchester, placing the towel with ease on the pile of cleans.
Cas, having facined himself into a numb bundle of neutrality in these new situations, hadn't heard the younger man approach him. He jumped for the second time in a couple of minutes when he felt a warm body against his back and hot breath against his bare neck. Sam boxed him up against the linen table, no force, nor hostility present. He was simply there.
His words spoken carried a weight that Cas was tired of barring, "Cas, stop this. I can't-" Sam took a sharp breath, his lips mere centimeters from his skin, "I can't stop thinking about you. I've tried- lord knows I've tried..."
Cas turned, anger boiling up inside him, "Enough!" he belted as he gave a rough push to the other man's chest.
The force only pushed him back a few inches but it was enough to point an accusatory finger, "Sam, this is crazy! How many times do I have to say I fucked up!"
Sam took half a step forward, laying soft hands to keep Cas calm, "Cas... Please, listen to me. It wasn't nothing and I can't just let it go..."
"Well, learn to!" With that, Cas shoved the remainder of his unfolded laundry into the basket, hauling it with him as he made a hasty get away.
Driving himself crazy, Cas abandoned the idea of completing chores. Dean would be home soon anyway and he was sure their house would be a bustle of 'burly men' gutting fish in their kitchen. Instead Cas decided to go for a walk, the idea of fresh air overly appealing. He tracked through town, a few blocks away before circling the local park a couple of times. When the sun showed the first signs of setting, painting the sky a golden array of light, Cas glanced down at his watch only to find it not there.
He must have forgotten to put it on this morning, the trinket having a ghost effect and remaining a constant weight on his arm even when it wasn't there. It had been a gift from John on his 18th birthday. He had had to get that thing repaired so many times and do you know how difficult it is to find a place that still repairs watches?
The fresh air having helped clear the smoke inside of his head, Cas made his way back home. He entered to find the scene he had expected, the smell of murky pond water assaulting his senses. When he came through the door it was to the sight of John searching through his coat pocket hanging on the rack.
"Oh, hey Cas, there you are. We were just getting worried."
He clamped his practical father-in-law on the shoulder as he entered, shucking off his shoes in the pile already littering the entrance way, "Hey John, how'd the fishing go?"
"To be expected… We killed everything."
Cas chuckled lightly at that as John found the pocket knife in his jacket he had been searching for, "I'm sure."
Dean's headed peaked out from the kitchen before coming around to greet him. His significant other wiped his hands on one of their kitchen towel as he bent over to kiss him on the cheek, "Hey babe, where were you?"
Cas had to fight the impulse to lie, shaking his head lightly, "Just out for a walk, needed some air. We're going to have to throw that towel out now, by the way."
Dean pulled a half-apologetic face, shrugging, "Yeah, it was the first one Aaron grabbed but don't worry, we've only been using the one."
John inched between them, placing a hand on Cas' shoulder, "So what was so important that you couldn't join us today, kid?"
"Nothing really," Cas rose his voice, "Just didn't think I could handle being stuck on a boat with Benny for 6 hours. Might have drowned myself."
The sound of several men laughing carried from the kitchen, Benny's heavy southern drawl distinguishable, "I heard tha'!"
Cas smiled, "You were supposed to!"
John grinned widely, snagging the towel from Dean's hand and using it to wipe off his knife as he made his way back to the kitchen. Cas rubbed at his wrist on instinct, now unable to notice the lock weight there, "Have you seen my watch?"
Dean shook his head as he leaned forward to peck him on the lips, "I haven't, but good news is, we won't starve this month." And if on queue, sensing the need to make his presence known, Cas could hear Aaron from the kitchen, "Walleye for days!"
Dean smiled, pecking him one more time before returning to his work. Cas made his way through the living room, the sounds of laughter following him as the men carried on after their hunt. He briefly considered putting on the rest of that documentary he had yet to finish but opted out once he noticed how prominent the smell of fish was wafting through the house already. Instead, he decided it best to catch up on his paper work, and since it was such nice temperature out, he could sit on the front steps, the porch light providing enough light for him to see.
He went to his room, collecting the stack of papers he had brought from the office as well as a couple of ball-point pens. They were just client reports, but Cas dreaded them all the same. Boring and repetitive.
The clear air had not yet turned crisp with the setting sun, the sounds of saccade wailing in the distance. It was peaceful. The lingering sound of his house guests, all of them family really, drifting out, reminding him of how good life was.
He was half way done with his third form when he heard the creak of the screen door squeal behind him. "Hey, Cas?"
Cas glanced over his shoulder to see Kevin in the door way. Kevin Tran, all five and half feet of him, was the epitome of mis-judgment. The young college student, barely 19, was what most people assumed to be the 'biggest nerd in school' type of kid. And while Kevin was, in fact, actually a child genius, Kevin was also kind of a badass. Kevin and his mother had moved in next door a few months ago, his autocratic mother, Mrs. Tran, insisting that they go around the neighborhood and introduce themselves door-to-door.
Once Mrs. Tran had discovered that he and Dean were an item, she had made it her personal mission to become best friends because of some strange idealistic fantasy life where her family was best friends with their gay neighbors. He was still very confused by that.
Cas believes she was a little disappointed to find out neither of them were really the flamboyant, "lets-go-shopping-together" type of homosexuals. Or in Dean's case, Pansexual.
Kevin was pretty cool actually. He and Dean had gotten into a long discussion on Star War's theories the first time Mrs. Tran had invited them over for dinner. During desert, Kevin began divulging into his clean energy proposal for his next public relations research project. Cas was enthralled the entire time, asking him all kinds of questions, which led to Kevin helping them install a few solar panels in their backyard a couple of months later.
Since then, Cas and Dean had been happy to invite him to events and outings. The kid expressed how he didn't have too many friends in either high school or college and how it was nice to just hand out and do guy things with people who had already matured from their college-party faze. Cas had understood that. He hadn't been much of a partier in college either. People invited him to things, but it was never really his style. He'd rather just have a few drinks with his friends or family and talk and carry on about inside jokes and stories. He could sympathize.
"Hey, what's up, man?"
"John wants to show me how to gut a fish- don't ask me why- He says you guys should have a spare filet knife? But Dean doesn't know where. And it's not in the kitchen."
"Uh- I think Sam should have one in his fishing-kit. I don't think it's be in the shed, try Sam's room, in the closet, I'd assume."
"I don't really wanna rout through Sam's stuff."
"That's alright, just let Dean know, he'll find it for you."
"Alright, thanks, man."
Cas smiled, Kevin really was a nice kid, "How'd it go for you today?"
"The actual fishing? Or the social interaction?"
Cas chuckled, "Yes."
"Well, I only caught 3 out of a dozen bites, and Benny nearly threw me off the boat for never having seen Boondocks Saints."
Cas laughed at that, "That's great. "Almost" is a great place to be with Benny."
Kevin laughed too, the effect warring off quickly in to a teetered, hesitant breath, "Hey, I couldn't help but notice- I mean, I know it's totally none of my business and all, and tell me to shut up and I will, but-uh…"
Cas tilted his head slightly at the tone shift, "What?"
"Um- I couldn't help but notice that you and Dean were fighting a couple of nights ago?"
"Oh. Uh- Shit, Kevin, I'm sorry…. Were… Were we that loud?"
Kevin let out a half scoff, half laugh, "Yeah, heard Dean storm out," Kevin dropped his head for a second, folding his arms over his chest as he leaned up against the door frame, "I just, uh- You guys okay?"
Cas let out a long sigh, searching for the words to properly explain. Because honestly, Cas wanted to say 'no', they were so far from okay that it was pitiful really, but as far as Cas knew, Dean would probably say that they were better than they had ever been.
"We, uh- we're working on it. We're getting better. We just- hit a bit of a wall there and some things were said- and- we're working on it."
Kevin, nodded, certainly not understanding exactly what Cas was talking about but understanding that it was messy and difficult to explain. Cas was extremely grateful for Kevin's sensitivity and intelligence in this moment because it was actually nice that someone was acknowledging that there had been a problem without attacking him for it instead of ignoring it all together.
A silence stretched out, Kevin unmoving from his position, other than his arms uncrossing and his hands being tucked away in his front pockets. He looked as if he wanted to say more but was strategically choosing his words, "Are- are you okay?"
Cas set his pen down, pressing his hands to his lips in a brief moment of solidarity, "Why do you ask?"
Kevin shrugged, "Dean seemed alright today. Hell, he seemed happy. Happier than I've seen him lately. But you- you just seem like you have things on your mind."
Cas nodded, taking that out-side perspective in. Damn, this kid was perceptive. Cas battled for a minute. Kevin was a very understanding guy. Part of him felt the urge to tell him, because if anyone was going to discern his situation without judging him too badly it would be Kevin. But, yet again, Cas wasn't much of a gossip, he knew if he told anyone the chances of it getting back to Dean would grow. Not that he would expect Kevin to go around telling everyone on the street. But, if his mother expected that Kevin knew something that she didn't, well, you could be sure that she would get it out of him, one way or another. And then he was done for.
Cas let out a sigh, "I'm trying to be. Some of the things that were said… the things that were done- are just a little hard to let go of right away. I'm- I'm just so happy it didn't break us, which is why I'm trying my best to be okay."
Kevin nodded at that, biting his lip in thought. He pushed off the doorframe and held open the screen door for himself, "Okay. I just- just let me know if you need someone to talk to, or hell, just vent to. I'm a good listener."
Cas smiled at him, "Thanks, Kevin, that means a lot."
The boy ducked his head in answer, retreating back into the house without another word.
Cas huffed amusingly to himself, before returning to his work.
The guys had stuck around to bake up some fish for dinner, Cas, having finished his paper work, had come inside just a couple of minutes before the roasted potatoes and vegetables intended to go with it were ready. He had just enough time to wash up before dinner, heading into the kitchen and joining everyone as they stood around eating. The didn't have enough chairs for everyone but no one seemed to mind. Opting to sip a few beers and talk about various triumphs. Cas couldn't help but feel like this was a very typical "Man" scenario. That didn't mean Cas didn't enjoy himself. Cas had finally found his time to forget for a little while. To just be himself. Dean, leaning up against the counter and having finished his plate, embraced Cas from behind and pulled him in, wrapping an arm around Cas' wait, his head on the other man's shoulder as he helped him pick his plate clean.
It was simple. Just his family and friends, most of which he had know for a long time, standing around, talking about "guy stuff", giving each other a hard time and picking unnecessary fights with one another. Dean, a warm, loving presence against his back. John, an occasional, proud pat on the shoulder as he retold some of their oldest memories together. Kevin, a fond smile on his face, as he witnessed Cas being 'okay'. Aaron, a mask of animated faces as he threw in his own two-cents. Benny, an occasional elbow in his side as he teased Cas for just about everything as they always did with each other. And Sam.
He hadn't noticed Sam join them, but, there he was, a hot plate in his hands, and a content smile of his own. He met Cas' eyes across the room, the laughter from the atmosphere in his eyes shifting for a moment to something, sad, almost regretful and ashamed before ghosting into genuine contentment. He shot Cas a half smile, and while it was only half of one, it didn't look forced or unreal. The nerves dissipated from him, the realization that in this moment Sam was his friend again. Weather it was permanent or not, Cas was unsure, however he didn't dwell on it long, instead just deciding to enjoy this night while it lasted.
A few hours later, after all the merriment had died down and everyone headed home for the night with their own fair share of fish, Cas found himself alone. He cleaned up what little mess was left in the kitchen, the guys having been courteous and having mostly picked up after themselves. It was more of a way to let his brain wind down, rather than the actual need to clean. He didn't quite feel like bed just yet, and since he had forced Dean to take a shower before he climbed into bed with him, he needed to kill the time. Cas was just wiping down the counter when he heard a nock on the doorway frame.
He turned to find Sam standing there, his hand still coming down from where it had connected with the wood frame. "Hey, got a sec?"
Cas eyed him wearily. Just because they managed to have a good time tonight in a room full of people didn't mean he could forget how Sam continuously ambushed him the last couple of days. Sam, sensing his discomfort, held up a hand in assurance. The younger Winchester didn't move from his spot, just let his hand fall back down to his side and into his back pocket as he gauged the situation.
Cas didn't answer him verbally, but he did deposit the sponge he had been using into the sink and turn his full attention to Sam. His friend didn't deserve the cold shoulder, it really wasn't his fault, Cas' nerves had just been set on edge ever since the incident occurred.
And Sam's constant pursuit of the subject just made his anxiety ten times worse.
"I just- I wanted to apologize. I- I'm sorry for doing what I did earlier. I thought maybe it was a good idea until I literally drove you from the house. And- the way you've been looking at me today, ixnay the last couple of hours, really confirmed that I shouldn't have done what I did."
Cas shook his head a bit in confusion, "The way I've been looking at you?"
"Like… Like, I'm going to hurt you…"
Cas opened his mouth, but nothing came out.
"I just- I'm sorry. That was never what I wanted. I don't want you to be afraid of me Cas. I want, " Sam exhaled unhumorously, "I don't know- Maybe I just want things to go back to the way they were before…"
Cas felt a pain in his stomach and a sudden burning in his eyes, "I'm sorry, Sam. I am so, so sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I'm just-," Cas shrugged, "I just don't know what to do. I'm fucking terrible at all of this."
Sam put on a smile, "Hey, don't beat yourself up about it. You're human, Cas, not perfect. I mean… I can't- help the way I feel about you. The way I've felt about you for a long time now. And- and you know what they say, jealousy will drive you mad. I've been kinda stupid these last few days, and… and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come on to you that way once you told me not to."
They both remained silent for a long while before Sam continued, "I can't do this anymore, Cas. I hate this. All I want is for you to be happy… And if that means staying with Dean- Than I'll support you two until the day I die. Because… Because I can't stand that look, Cas- It makes me feel like I'm the worst person in the world.
Cas stared ahead, almost in a daze, as he thought about how fucked up everything was the last few days, "What are we gonna do, Sam?"
Sam took a deep breath, stepping forward, "I'd uh- I'd like to try and find a way to just be friends again, Cas, if that's alright with you. I know things won't be exactly like they were before, but- eventually…"
Sam extended his hand, hoping that Cas would shake on it. But Cas, just so happy that Sam was offering a solution to help them all maybe find passage to the way they had been before, wrapped his arms around him in a hug, "I'd like that very much."
