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Chapter Three
"Shit," was all I could say when I woke up the next morning with the sudden realization of what happened last night. When I noticed my phone vibrating every few minutes, I reached to the coffee table and picked it up, I had 30 missed calls from Matt. Guilt started to come over me, but then so did anger.
"Mmm," Tai stirred from behind me. We fell asleep last night with him holding me from behind and his arms were still around me. I turned over and saw that he was completely asleep. A small smile came over my face. It was so typical of Tai, to be able to sleep through anything. Not wanting to leave the comfort of my best friend I closed my eyes and moved in closer to him and drifted back to sleep.
"Sora, wake up," Tai poked and prodded me probably an hour after I drifted off to sleep.
"Mmm...no..."
"Come on...its noon."
"...So? You've been known to sleep until 4:00pm," I mumbled sleepily with my eyes still closed.
"Yeah...well, come on, get up, sleeping for too long can't be good for you. I'll even make you breakfast."
"Hmm...Okay," I opened my eyes and smiled at him. It was always nice to have a guy cook for you. Matt always cooked for me before, and he was really good at it too.
While Tai was preparing breakfast, I took a shower and changed into new clothing. By the time I was finished, so was the breakfast. He had made scrambled eggs with sausages and toast and had the table all set up with each of us having a glass of orange juice.
"Wow, good job, Tai."
"Yeah you better appreciate this," he said jokingly. "I mean it's not often I'll make a gourmet meal for anyone but myself."
"Gourmet? Tai, it's breakfast food, it doesn't require much effort."
"Oh? You'd rather not eat this then? Are you too good for my food?" He sat up and picked up my plate and started heading towards the sink
"Hehe stop!" I took the plate back from him. "Thank you for breakfast, Tai."
So the rest of breakfast went like that, just playful exchanges with one another, but neither of us brought up what had happened the previous night and it was starting to bother me.
After breakfast Tai said he had to get going, he said he promised that he'd take his sister Kairi somewhere. "I'm really sorry, Sora, but I'll talk to you soon?"
Before I could even ask him about last night, he gave me a kiss before he walked out the door. It took me by surprise; the kiss was so soft and sweet. They were nothing like the ones that Matt and I have shared. But...I didn't have feelings for Tai right? I mean...I just turned to him when I really needed comfort...right?
I heard my phone vibrating against the coffee table again. I walked over to it and picked it up, it was Matt.
"Oh my god, Sora, where've you been? I called you so many times last night and you didn't pick up."
"Yeah...I know."
"What happened? What were you doing?"
"Nothing," I lied.
"But you didn't pick up any of my calls."
"I didn't feel like talking to anyone."
Matt sighed on the other end. "See me today."
"What?"
"I know you're still upset about last night, so please, let's talk this out again."
"I don't really want to talk about this anymore, Matt. You already made it pretty clear that you'd rather meet other girls than be with me."
"Sora! You know that's not the only reason, just please, see me, or I'll come over."
"...I don't know."
"Sora, I'm coming. I'll be there in a half hour." He hung up the phone.
I sat down on my couch and buried my hands into my face. What was wrong with me? All I could say was 'I don't know.' I knew I had to be stronger than this...Matt...isn't good for me, right? I laid there on the couch until he arrived.
I opened the door and he greeted me with a hug. Oh god, he was hugging me, and I couldn't pull away...I actually didn't want him to, I felt so much comfort being in his arms, but at the same time I felt like crying. He lifted up my chin and asked me how I was feeling.
I glared at him, "how do you think I feel?"
"I know...bad question."
We both walked into my room and he laid down on my bed and I sat on it. "...What do you want to do, Sora?"
"How do you feel about me?"
"I already told you...I care about you, as a girlfriend, I like you."
"...You don't love me anymore?"
"I can't lie...I don't." Tears started rolling down my eyes. "Sora, don't cry...just because I don't love you, it doesn't mean I don't want to be with you. I've already told you that."
"Then what's the point?"
"Well...maybe...we can fall in love with each other again, I mean we did it at one point didn't we? And it's not as if we fell in love over the course of a few days."
"Well it seemed easy for you to fall out of love."
"It's not that it was easy, it just happened. You have to understand that."
"I just find it ridiculous that you would want to be with someone you don't love."
"But I like you!"
"Do you really?"
His tone started getting harder. "Of course I do, and stop asking me that, it's as if you doubt me."
"You're not just getting back together with me to use me? I mean we've basically almost just only had sex since we started seeing each other again."
"Sora, if I wanted to have sex, I could get it from anyone. I have feelings for YOU. Tell me what you want, Sora."
I sat there and thought silently for a while. I knew that if there was a chance to end this pain before it got worse, it was now. I could move on while I still had some kind of strength. But a part of me told me not to, not to give up...because I love him and when it was good, it was good. Tai then suddenly popped up into my mind, what would he think about this situation? He obviously still had feelings for me if he could kiss me like that...but I knew that right now my feelings were for Matt...As much as I knew that they shouldn't be. "I want things to work out," I told him.
"Then let's take it day by day...and see how things go. Is that okay with you? We can see if we've fixed anything, because some issues, like jealousy, you can only see with time."
At least this way I get to be with him. I nodded in agreement. I wanted to be back in his arms, lying there next to him on my bed in comfort. Why was I so weak when it came to him?
"But, Sora, just hold back a little okay? And I'll hold a little back too, just in case things don't work."
Hold back? I wasn't sure if it was what I wanted him to do. But I guess he was right...I had to hold back a part of my heart if I didn't want to end up in the state I was in before, or even worse.
He sat up and kissed my forehead. "I just don't want to see you hurt like that again, and I don't want to be the reason for it."
Wanting to kiss him so badly, I just nodded and agreed. Stupid me. He leaned over towards me and we kissed and eventually ended up having sex. Again afterwards I cried silently away from him...I've been doing this every single time...I knew that right now he was mine...but at the same time I knew that he doesn't love me...why was I just accepting this? Was I so desperate and weak that I would give up and go through anything just to be with him?
The two of us spent the rest of the weekend together barely leaving the apartment. All we did was watch movies, cook, eat, cuddle, sex and sleep. Tai had called a few times but I wasn't ready to talk to him. I was afraid of what he would think of me. I didn't call him back until late Sunday night when Matt finally left.
"Hey, Sora!"
"Hey...Sorry I haven't been able to call you back, Tai...stuffs just been going on."
"That's alright, I understand. But, anyways, are you busy tomorrow?"
"Um, I'm done class at 12:30, but I guess I'm free after that until 6, I have to work." I had actually made plans to see Matt before work, but I guess I could back out of them. It's not like we were going to be doing anything different then what we did this weekend.
"Okay, well I'll come to pick you up after class and we'll go out for crepes, I've been craving them and you weren't picking up so I was dying without them, so I guess that means you'll have to treat me."
I giggled. "Tai, I can't be the only person you'd want to have crepes with."
"Uh yeah you are! I know you never finish your plate AND you're a slow eater so I can steal some of yours as soon as I'm done mine."
"Pig! I'll just have to eat faster!"
"Yeah, well I doubt you can compete with my amazing eating speed. So I'll see you tomorrow right?"
"Yeah," I smiled.
"Sweet dreams, Sora."
The next morning I texted Matt that I wasn't going to be able to see him, and he replied saying that he was fine with it and he'd see me on Tuesday, or Wednesday when we had class together.
When I got into Tai's car, he was wearing his goofy grin, "so you ready to fight for your food?"
I stuck my tongue out at him.
"So, how was your weekend?" he asked.
Not ready to tell him about Matt, I told him it was fine...I spent most of it watching movies...which was true...kind of.
When we arrived and both ordered our food we talked about everything. It was so easy to talk to Tai...I mean with Matt I could talk to him about anything, but there were sometimes moments of silence between us. It used to be a good thing, because I was comfortable with the silence between us before, but now it was just awkward silence which happened a few times over the weekend. It was as if I was afraid to say anything to him.
Halfway through our meal, I looked up at the customers who just walked in and froze. It was Matt with three of his band mates, and two girls I recognized to be their girlfriends. He hadn't noticed me yet, good...maybe I can get away with this...but that'll be hard...not that many girls had long red hair like mine.
"Uh, you okay?" Tai must've noticed the sudden shocked look on my face.
Matt then turned towards us, must've been Tai's familiar voice. His eyes met mine, I saw a look of confusion and slight anger flash over his face. He then walked towards us as the rest of his friends sat down at a table at the opposite end of the suddenly too small restaurant.
"Hey, guys."
"Hey," Tai quickly replied. "How's it going, Matt?"
"Fine...I'll talk to you after work right, Sora?"
I nodded. Oh god, what was he going to do? For once, I didn't want him to kiss me, because I knew that Tai would definitely not like it.
Matt then leaned down and gave me a kiss on the cheek and said that he'd call me.
Tai and I sat in silence picking at our food for a while.
"So...you didn't tell me you were back together with Matt."
"Sorry...I just..."
Before I could finish my sentence, Tai asked the waitress for the bill.
"Let's talk about this somewhere else, alright?"
I nodded. Tai paid for the bill and on our way out, the two of us walked by Matt's table and I gave a small wave and a smile to Matt.
Tai drove to a nearby park that the two if us used to play in all the time as kids and we both walked over to sit under our favourite tree.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you."
Tai nodded. "Why'd you call me that night, Sora? What did Matt say to you to make you upset?"
I told him everything that happened that night, and what we had discussed before we spent the weekend together...our "trial period."
"Is that what you really want, Sora?"
I sighed. "I don't know."
"I'm telling you this as a friend...he's no good for you."
"I know."
"Then why?"
"I can't let go of him, it's too hard...and I'm sorry about the other night...I didn't mean to lead you on."
"Don't be sorry, it was one of the best nights I had." Tai gave me a weak smile.
Guilt washed over me. "I'd understand if you were mad and didn't want to talk to me anymore."
"Are you crazy? I'm still going to talk to you, Sora. You're a great person, and my best friend."
I smiled. "Thank you, you really are the best, Tai."
The two of us sat in comfortable silence with each other. Slowly, without even noticing the two of us were somehow inching closer and closer together until we were leaning against each other for support. That's when I heard my phone ring, it was Matt.
"Are you still with him?" he angrily questioned.
"What?"
"Are you?"
"Yes."
"Where are you?"
"Why?"
"Because I want to see you, Sora, and you ditched out on me earlier, so don't refuse."
I reluctantly told him where we were.
After I hung up, Tai looked at me curiously. "Is he coming here now?"
"Yes," I replied.
We both sat there again in silence when was suddenly he whispered, "leave him, Sora. Please...I love you."
"What? I can't."
"Why not?" Tai suddenly sat up straight causing me to fall over a little bit.
"Tai...I thought you understood."
"Well, I don't. You're an amazing person and you deserve to be happy, and yet you keep coming back to this guy, who clearly doesn't love you, who tries very hard to make it clear to you that he doesn't love you. Don't you think you deserve better?"
"Yes...but..." I couldn't think of what to say, I knew he was right, I had to be stupid to keep coming back to Matt. Tears rolled down my cheeks, I did want to be happy, but at the same time I wanted to be with Matt and why did the two things I wanted and need have to be conflicting? Suddenly my thoughts were interrupted by Tai.
"Don't cry," he wiped the tears away from my cheeks and leaned in to kiss me.
Feeling the shock by the sudden kiss, I didn't pull away instantly but before I got the chance to, I heard a voice yell out, "what the hell do you think you're doing?"
It was Matt.
To be continued...
