Luigi flew down the highway at a brisk seventy miles an hour. The wind swept through his hair. A continuous bursts of oncoming air filled his ears. The ocean was in sight, a solid blue horizon that stretched out to meet the edge of the sky, skirted by passing white clouds. The sun, now a solid white, rose towards its midday height.
Booette's ponytail flowed in the wind behind her stuck her head out the window. She held out her drooping tongue, which flopped backwards in the wind, dripping with black saliva. This turned the heads of drivers passing on the other side of the road.
"So, have you thought about getting a phone?" Luigi asked casually, watching the road. "I think it would help with the long distance problem."
Booette brought herself back into the passenger seat."Why stalk you electronically when I do can do it ethereally?"
"Wow, can't argue with that. But wouldn't you rather go on social media? You'd be huge online."
Booette blinked. "Social media?"
"It's done through smartphones." Luigi explained. "5G networks, WiFi, the Internet?"
Booette tilted her head, slightly. Again her tongue began to slide out between her jagged teeth, dripping with black saliva. A drop fell to stain fresh alongside several other faded dots on the seat.
"Uh..." Luigi returned his gaze to the road. "Maybe we should just listen to the radio..."
"What's radio?" She asked. "Is it like semaphore?"
Luigi turned to her again. "Semaphore?"
"You know..." She began making a series of signals with her hands. "Optical telegraphy? Semaphore! I thought you were smart, Luigi!"
"Oh, right. Semaphore. That. Sure." Luigi nodded. "So uh, what did all of that just mean?"
Her magenta eyes peered on, naughtily. "You'll find out…"
Luigi shifted in his seat slightly, blushing. He switched on the radio to the news.
"Welcome back to TTPR, I'm Arrogan T, speaking live on Toad Town Public Radio with my guest, Impartiali T. Impartiali, you've spoken extensively on the subject, what are your thoughts on the political row between Bowsette and Princess Toadstool?"
"Well Arrogan, I think there's wrong on both sides. Now, is my saying this going to resolve the problem at hand? No. But does it give me a convenient opt out that also allows me plausible deniability over the fact that I'm indirectly helping to perpetuate the problem on the public level? Ohohoh, you betcha."
Luigi switched the radio off. "Ah, the news is so depressing these days." Luigi, again, returned his eyes to the road. He checked his KnowDaWae GPS app on his phone.
"Well, at least we're making good progress! At this rate we'll be there before sunset. It's a good thing we went down off-season. These roads back up like you won't believe during the season rush. One year Mario and I had to drive over to the Mushroom Stadium, but we got caught in beach traffic, and then the rain hit us while we had the canopy down. But that time it wasn't rain."
While Luigi went on, distracted by the road, Booette reached out at him with a burning hunger, bearing her fangs, her mouth gaping.
"You see, Bowser had Kammy and Kamek put a spell in the clouds so that it rained… well, poop. The entire highway was covered in it. So were we, but that comes with the territory I guess. So Mario and I had to borrow a Lakitu's cloud, and go up and catch the Magikoopas before they pooped all over the rest of the highway. It wasn't an easy fight, but at least we stopped the Magikoopas from raining poop all over the rest of the kingdom! Pardon my French, but I guess you can say my brother and I stopped a real shitstorm."
Luigi looked back to Booette, who was now only inches away from him, again reaching out with a burning hunger. She instantly returned to her seat, trying to look casual.
"You always tell such riveting stories, Luigi!" She cooed. "I'd love to be a part of one. Luigi, why don't you ever talk about me in your diary?"
"You read my diary!?" Luigi shrieked. "Is that why it's been missing!?"
"Stop asking passive-aggressive questions and answer mine!" She shrieked back.
Luigi sighed, pounding his head against the wheel. "I haven't written in my diary since I met you. Since you took it, and all. Didn't you check the entry dates?"
Booette donned her round-rimmed reading glasses. "I could check again." She reached inside her snap dress, and pulled it out from the inside of her bikini top.
Luigi stared. "That wasn't there when you put that on..."
Booette ignored him, and used her long tongue to lick her finger before paging through each entry carefully. "Hmmm... these dates check out. The first time I just skimmed it looking for the saucy bits..."
"So you brought it with you?" He asked.
Booette rolled her eyes. "We're going to the beach, Weegee. I need something to read."
Luigi shook his head, and focused on the road, saying nothing.
Booette made herself comfortable as she read. She put her feet up on the dash, crossing them and leaned back in the seat, reading his diary with gusto. "Oh, I love this entry! It's the one where..."
Luigi eyed her feet. "Perfection." He thought. He worked his way up to her pearly ankles, smooth and hairless. Then up her legs, pearly, thick, smooth, shining in the noon sun.
He felt a swerving sensation before realizing he was drifting out of the lane. He swerved over the sideline went over the rumble strips.
"WHAT'S HAPPENING!?" She shrieked, her voice vibrating.
"Nothing, it's nothing!" Luigi jerked the wheel and swerved back into his lane, ending the reverberations.
"You're bad at this!" She said, crossing her arms across her supple chest, glaring.
Luigi eyed his gas gauge, now approaching half tank. "We should probably top this off. Prices are lower out here."
Luigi took an exit off the highway, reducing speed to twenty miles an hour, the rush of oncoming wind now subsiding. He rolled up off the ramp and proceeded, following signs until he reached a Green Shell gas station. Luigi pulled up and parked at one of the pumps. Luigi got out of the car, and went up to the machine, inserted his credit card and started gassing up. As he ran the pump, he turned to Booette, who had been staring at him the entire time.
"Hey, wait here, honey. I need to go to the bathroom." He said.
"Okay, Luigi." Booette nodded. "Hurry back."
Luigi looked to his left. A toad woman was stared at him, wide eyed. Her baby in the backseat of her car was crying. He looked to his right. A Doogan was standing next to his car, holding a fuel nozzle. Gas gushed out, the Doogan not realizing that he'd missed his gas tank.
Luigi took a deep sigh. He turned around. Booette had been floating across the air of the gas station, following him. He smacked himself in the face.
"I—I'm so sorry Luigi!" Booette flushed, struggling not to cover her eyes. "I was lonely!"
"Go back to the car, honey."
"But why!?" She fumed. "I want to go with you!"
"Because I have to go to the bathroom!"
"Let me go with you!" She begged. "Please, Luigi! I can take up the side urinal so nobody encroaches on you! I know that you have trouble peeing when other men are around! Which is weird, because you don't have anything to be insecure about!"
The bystanders all stared at Luigi, and then Booette.
"I would know!" She said to them. "Haven't any of you seen his ravioli!?"
The baby continued crying. The woman quickly got in her car. The Doogan continued pouring gas out of his nozzle. His friend, a Podoboo, floated up to him. "Hey dude, be careful-"
Luigi ignored the firey results that followed, focusing instead on Booette. "Okay, okay, come on."
Booette shut her eyes and made a fanged, satisfied smile. Luigi walked up to the door to the station, activating the sliding doors and walking in, the doors sliding shut behind him. Booette floated in after him, but hit the door.
"Luigi!" She cried.
Luigi came back, and stood on the door plate so that they opened. Booette then floated into the store.
Luigi looked around the inside of the shop. All around them were small aisles crammed with snacks, conveniences and car goods.
The clerk, a Mouser in a desert turban, stared at him and Booette. He slowly took off his desert cap, placed it over his eyes and began whispering silent prayers.
They walked past a teenaged Koopa in a hoodie playing a mobile game on his smartphone along with his friend, a Shy Guy who was sipping a pink slushie through a straw going into the mouth-hole of his mask. The Koopa looked up, saw Booette and dropped his phone, which went smashing onto the ground. His friend took a sharp slurp on his straw and then started coughing and gagging.
Luigi went into the bathroom, and Booette floated in behind him. The floor was dirty, the florescent light was dull. The urinal was ribboned up, marked with an "OUT OF ORDER" post-it note written in sloppy marker.
Luigi went for the single stall, and Booette filed in after him.
Taking a deep breath, thinking of rushing water, ignoring Booette's looming phantomly presence over his shoulder, he began to relieve himself. Once he was finished, Booette grabbed him a piece of toilet paper. Luigi quickly snatched it from her, and cleaned himself up instead.
Booette backed away, Luigi exited the stall and went to wash his hands.
"Handjob?" Booette offered.
"No thanks." Luigi politely declined. "The vomit-absorber smell in here is kind of a mood-killer."
When Luigi and Booette went back into the shop, the store was entirely empty.
Luigi scratched his head. "Hmm..." He turned to Booette.
Booette simply shrugged.
The two went out the door, past the shelf, where the clerk, the two teenagers, and several other bystanders were huddled together, one of them clinging to a crucifix, others crying, others sending desperate texts to loved ones.
Luigi stepped out through the sliding doors, Booette floating after him. The two looked around, the entire gas station was empty. The autumn wind blew softly, bending the grass around the station in waves. An empty water bottle went rolling across the asphalt. A lone car peeled into the distance, its engine roaring. The two made their way over to their car, and found their way back onto the road.
Further down the highway, they passed a billboard for Waluigi's Taco Stand.
"Want to stop there?" Booette asked.
"Sure. Maybe I can get the Cyanide Supreme."
Booette blinked. "Is that an actual menu item?"
"Waluigi said that he only offers it to select customers."
"You've eaten there before?"
"Once."
"Aww, Luigi, were you trying to be nice?"
"Not really." Luigi shook his head. "Toad got a free coupon in his junkmail and needed a ride there..."
The conversation faded, returning again to comfortable silence. A short while later they approached a tollbooth in front of a bridge over a large river that emptied out into the sea. Luigi rode up to the toll lane.
He heard a burrow, and a pop. A Monty Mole wearing a yellow-orange traffic vest and a pair of sunglasses emerged from a hole in the middle of the booth.
"Bruh…" He said, peering out at Luigi, squinting.
Luigi blinked, nervously. "Bruh? You mean Bro? As in, the Mario Bros? I'm not Luigi!"
"Luigi you sus. Now back that shit up and pull in straight so I can actually reach you!"
"Uh, right, okay." Luigi said. He backed out carefully, and re-adjusted.
"Was it just referring to me? Am I 'the shit'?" Booette asked as Luigi corrected himself.
"I think so!"
There were hearts in Booette's eyes. "Oh Luigi, it feels so wonderful when you compare me to shit!"
"Wait-oh..." Luigi turned around to face the toll operator, shakily handing himself some cash from his pocket. "Here you go."
The Monty Mole took the wad of Toadsworth dollars, and then shook his head. "… Bruh."
"What now?" Luigi sighed. "It's kingdom money. It still has value..."
"Yeah for now, that's not the point."
"Then what is the point?"
"The point is, this is the shit I don't like. See?" He held up the wad and began counting through each dollar. "You can't fold the money like this. Holds up the line because I have to unfold it then count it."
"There wasn't a line before..." Luigi pointed out.
"Well there is now."
Luigi looked back to see a long growing line of cars, buses and trucks. "Rats..."
"Oh wow, Luigi, what's that line of cars here for?" Booette asked, turning her head. "Is it a funeral procession?"
"No, honey. Haha, this one." Luigi gestured towards Booette. "Long car rides can make her weird."
The Monty Mole took off his sunglasses in surprise. This still revealed another pair of sunglasses on underneath. "Yooo, that looks like a spectral, Boo-like copy of the princess over there. But kind of like a porn actress in there, too? Maybe it's some sexy illegitimate ghost-sister. Yeaaah, one of her parents slept with a ghost, all the evidence points to it. Damn bruh, is the princess fucking a ghost?"
"No, but he is-" Booette chirped.
"Oh, no, no!" Luigi spoke over her loudly, still talking to the booth operator. "You're just high or something. This is, uh, my girlfriend. She's totally human, don't mind her skin condition, it sometimes makes her semi-transparent. Or the purple eyes. Or her tongue. We're soul mates..."
"Soulmates?" The Mole asked.
Booette laid upside down in her seat. She lifted her legs straight up in the air, pointing and stretching them out lithely, her dress spilling down to her bikini bottom. "We mate! And mate, and mate and mate..."
"Mate..." The Monty Mole sighed, the gate to the bridge lifting.
"Uh, what?" Luigi asked.
"GO OVER THE BRIDGE!"
"Have a good day!" Luigi said, and stepped on the gas, flying out from the booth and heading over towards the bridge.
"Remind me to invest in an easy-pass." Luigi remarked.
They made their way over the bridge, the long towers passing by, swaying in the wind. The sensation of going over the shaky bridge, the rhythmic thunk-thunk of the pass, and the closeness of nearby vehicles all worked together to make Luigi's head spin. By the time he was off the bridge, he was already worried about getting a trip-threatening migraine.
Sometime later up the road, Luigi had to slow down. A car horn suddenly came blaring from behind him, the engine roared, overtook him on the right. The driver gave Luigi the middle finger, hit the gas and went motoring off.
Booette glared, viciously.
"Baby, don't..." Luigi whispered, desperately.
Booette's grimace began to contort the delicate, feminine features of her face, until her likeness became utterly terrifying.
Luigi quietly shrunk away and sunk back into his seat.
She took off out of the seat, floating up in the air, and flew after the car, drifting up in the air above the road at supernatural speed.
She flew out above the other driver's car, and vanished into the stereo. The speakers began to belt out a demonic, high-pitched screech that caused a deafening distortion, blowing out the speakers. Black bile began to flow out of the speakers, the tuning knobs and buttons on the dash, and the CD player drive. The sudden, disturbing experience was enough to shock the driver into veering off the road, smashing his car over a guardrail, the mangled body then cartwheeled down a jagged, rocky cliff, before crashing into the shallow waves below. The overturned vehicle then erupted in a gaseous fireball, the twisted metal quickly became consumed in a mix of steam and pitch-black smoke.
Luigi stayed in his lane, trembling. His heart was throbbing. "Just…" He wiped the sweat of his palms off on the wheel, "… Keep driving, Luigi… Just keep driving..."
"I'm back!" Booette said in a singsong voice, materializing back in the seat next to him. "Nobody messes with my Daddy Luigi!"
Luigi simply nodded, eyes focused intensely on the road, trying to stay focused and fighting the urge to stop the car.
Sometime later, they passed a sign advertising the kingdom's coastal region.
"There goes the border!" Luigi said.
"Oooh! I love this region." Booette swooned, cupping her hands. "It's developed so beautifully in the past hundred years,"
They passed an emaciated toad sitting in a lawnchair outside of an abandoned gas station shooting heroin.
"This calls for a treat," Luigi said, turning around to reach into the back to a cooler that he'd packed with milk and bags of cookies that he'd baked himself the night before. In doing so he took his eyes off the road.
A horn came blaring from behind.
Luigi looked up, and saw a car flying head-on towards him and quickly filling up his field of view beyond the windshield. The driver was nonexistent behind tinted windows. Luigi glanced instinctively at Booette, who simply sat there with a fanged grin, sitting in the characteristic silence of a bystander in a nightmare.
Luigi threw himself out of his revelry with a second instinctive motion, turning the wheel and steering his car back into his lane just in time, the car next to him swinging by, the sound of its horn muffled as it sounded from behind them, the driver just having realized what happened.
"Why didn't you yell anything, honey!?" He whined. "I could've been killed!"
Booette shrugged. "Your cock is still mine either way."
"WILL YOU STOP?!" Luigi shouted.
Booette simply stared at him, wide-eyed.
Luigi sat there with his heart pounding, seeing light sparkles in his eyes. He devoted every ounce of remaining conscience to focus on following the yellow lines of the road and staying inside the shoulder, going exactly the speed limit.
Some minutes later of slower driving, Luigi's breathing slowed to the point where he could function again. He then turned to Booette.
"Honey, listen, I didn't mean to yell at you." Luigi sighed.
"I don't mind, Luigi!" Booette giggled. "I think it's funny when you get mad at me. You get all red, the same way you do before you have an orgasm. Sometimes you even make the same face!"
"I'm..." Luigi ignored her remark, flushing. "I'm not mad at you. I just..."
"What is it, Luigi?"
"Look, it's nothing. I've never been with a…. person like you, so it takes some getting used to."
"Are you saying that I scare you, Luigi?" Booette teased.
"No, no, not really. Well. Maybe a little. Like when you make those weird faces."
Booette's smile turned to a shocked frown. "Luigi, you don't like my faces!?"
"No, no, it's not that. It's just… Well, alright, sometimes they remind me of death..."
"I REMIND YOU OF DEATH!?"
"W—ah—no!"
"You hate me!"
"I don't!"
"It's okay, Luigi, I know you don't find me attractive anymore!"
"Where are you getting this from!? We've only been together a month!"
"And you're already sick of me!"
"I understand, Luigi. A month is long enough for you. I'm not relevant anymore, am I? You were always too good for me..."
"All I said was sometimes I get creeped out by the faces you make..."
"I make those faces to get your attention, you idiot!"
"Oh wow I didn't know that, that's a relief! I always thought it was a weird phantomly instinct or something!"
"You're dumb!"
Luigi sighed. "Look, I'm sorry I said anything."
Bootte folded her arms, and looked the other way. "Hmf."
Luigi did not know what to say or do. So he continued driving. Occasionally he checked to see if whether or not Booette was still glowering. Each time, she had her arms folded and she was looking on out the window.
Luigi went back to focusing on the road, the trees and road coming on and rushing past. The sun was beginning to sink down from its noon height as the afternoon came on. Luigi felt a slight pounding in his temple, the stress of the drive, being noticed by the public and his fight with Booette.
He looked at his girlfriend instead. He hoped she would stop and would go back to her stalker-ish tendency to stare at him and reach out for him ravenously. He checked again, but saw that she was still giving him the cold shoulder.
Luigi frowned, and kept driving. The pounding became worse. It spread to his other temple, and began to turn into a migrane. His eyes became sensitive, the world becoming a blur. Unable to drive, Luigi began slowing down, and spotted an exit coming up, he decided to take it.
"Luigi, did you read that sign? This is the exit to Waluigi's Taco Stand..."
Luigi's vision was blurry. "I know, I know." Luigi sighed. "We don't have to stay. I just need a break, and to find some aspirin. My head is killing me..."
The two pulled in near the back of the parking lot. Luigi began rummaging through the glove box, his eyes feeling heavy, his head pounding.
"Um… Luigi? It looks like someone's coming outside..." Booette told him.
Luigi sighed. "I… I'm still trying to, find my..." He suddenly passed out on the wheel.
"Luigi?! Luigi!" Booette shook him.
"I… I just need a minute..." Luigi said softly. He then passed out, the sound of Booette's voice fading away, everything going dark.
