A/N: I will be writing in accordance to what the manga/anime has revealed so far. For example I will be writing Tobi with the back story of his real identity of Obito and not Madara.

However, in the case of my stories, it happens in an alternate universe where the various members are not dead, obviously, and the whole Fourth Shinobi War is not happening (yet?). Haven't really decided on the whole timeline or whatever. It's my own universe, anything can happen. Enjoy!


Recap:

Pein sighed. Kakuzu had just returned the stolen scroll and had stomped off with threats of dismembering Hidan and Tobi.

He decided to discuss the scroll's apparent contents with Konan and they were now poring over the white parchment.

Kanji started filling up the scroll again.


A Christmas Celebration

A Christmas celebration in the Akatsuki base turns awkward when Tobi is unmasked. Warning: Horror!


"Unmasked?" A deep voice sounded from behind the ginger and bluenette. "Horror? Well. Let's see how horrifying things are going to get. Such… an interesting scroll." A single red eye gleamed from behind an orange mask.

-End recap-


"Well, go on," said Tobi, impatiently urging Konan to continue reading.


"JINGLE BELLS JINGLE BELLS JINGLE ALL THE WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" A string of loud, jarring tunes echoed through the hallways of the Akatsuki base.

Soon enough, frustrated screams and shouts sounded from various rooms.

"SHUT UP FUCKER! OR I'LL SACRIFICE YOU!"

"TOBI I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU EXPLODE, UN!"

"I'M GOING TO DROWN YOU AND THEN LET MY SHARKS FEED ON YOU!"

"DON'T MAKE ME CLAIM THE PITTANCE OF A BOUNTY THAT IS ON YOUR HEAD!"

"I will turn you into a mangled puppet and then use you as firewood."

"Hn. Tsukuyomi!"

Tobi ran hurriedly away from the vicinity of the Uchiha's room, shouting down the hallway, "BUT SENPAI! IT'S CHRISTMAS! LET'S CELEBRATE!"

"IT'S FREAKING 4 IN THE MORNING. FUCK OFF TOBI! AND JASHINISM DOES NOT CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS!"

Tobi fell into quiet blubbering, whimpering about how no one was in the mood for the festive season.

'Ah ha! Tobi knows what to do! Tobi shall get everyone to party!' With that thought, the orange masked man ran off to the basements, giggling to himself.


Daylight came. The various Akatsuki members had awakened from their slumbers and were now slowly making their way into the living room, heavy bags visible under their eyes. No thanks to Tobi who interrupted their sleep with his untimely caroling from hours before.

As they stepped into the living room, they certainly did not expect to see what had greeted their eyes.

The entire room was covered in a bursting flurry of festive colours and Christmas foliage.

They noted holly, ivy, mistletoes (to which they avoided like the plague as all of them made a mental note NOT to walk past under these darned plants with any other members by their side) and decoratively placed Yule logs.

But hell, what caught their attention was a three-tier cake sitting right in the middle of the room.

It was massive. White. And it was decorated with mini figurines.


"When are we going to get to the main point of my unmasking?" Tobi asked in a deep voice, sounding bored.

Konan's eyes leafed through the rest of the story, her eyebrow slightly raised at what she'd seen.

"Soon."


Upon closer inspection, they noticed that the figurines were miniature versions of themselves.

"What is this?" asked Kisame.

"SENPAI! THIS IS OUR CHRISTMAS CAKE! YAY!" Tobi came bouncing into the room and threw himself at Kisame.

"Ugh, get off of me!"

"This is disgusting. Jashin-sama would not approve!"

"No one cares about you or your "God's" approvals Hidan."

"OH GO FUCK YOURSELF SASORI!"

"Can Sasori –san actually do that? Maybe he can remove his "parts" since he is a puppet! But how will he do it? With his chakra strings and puppet weapons? But where is his part supposed to go? Guys can't do themselves can the- AHHH!" Tobi let out a shout as a twitching Sasori shot a coil of metal rope out of his stomach and curled it around Tobi, preventing the raven from moving and pointing the sharp end at his neck, poison dripping off it.

"You better hold your tongue before I pull it off!"

Deidara smirked, "Danna, do you really remove your parts? Can you even feel anything, hm?"

"Shut up brat, or this goes into you. And be warned that no antidote will be available," Sasori threatened, waving the pointed end at the blond.

Deidara noticed that Tobi was still struggling within the ropes and an idea hit him. His smirk got wider and he walked toward the scuffling one.

Tobi noticed his senpai walking suspiciously toward him he started struggling harder in an attempt to loosen the ropes, but to no avail.

"Deidara-senpai! What are you trying to do? Don't come any closer!"

Deidara's hand reached forward, his hand mouths seemingly licking their lips in anticipation, for the mask.

"Noooo! Sasori-san let Tobi go! Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi cried out, his sweaty palms grappling with the ropes.

The redhead however, looked mildly interested at Deidara's intentions, as were the other Akatsuki members, and kept his grip on the ropes.

The hands touched the edges of the mask.


The orange masked man emanated a sinister aura as the story continued and the single visible eye gleamed, if possible, even redder.

Even Pein seemed a little tense.

The edges of Konan's lips twitched upwards, already knowing what was to come.


"YAAAAH! MERRY CHRISTMAS SENPAI!"

BOOM!


Deidara blinked.

He couldn't see anything. He could however hear cackling from where Tobi had stood.

He wiped his face with one hand and looked at it. Cake. He was covered from top to toe with cake.

He looked around and noticed that the rest of the members were also covered in white frosting and sponge filling.

Murderous intents popped up in each members' heads as they realised what happened.

Itachi's sharingan was whirring, Kakuzu's threads were flailing, Kisame was unravelling the bandages on Samehada and Hidan was drawing a circle on the floor with his blood.

As for Deidara himself, he had stuck his hands into his pouches and started to prepare some detonating clay.

They were all glaring at the choking man stuck in a tangle in the puppet master's rope, the latter having gripped him even tighter when he had been splattered with cake.

"T-Tobi thought that a food fight would m-make everyone get into the festive mood!"

Everyone paused in their attacks. Then smirks appeared on every single one of their faces.

Tobi paused in his struggling.

Without any hesitation, they jumped.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NOOOOOOOOO! SENPAI! TOBI IS SORRY! TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!"

Hands reached for his mask and ripped it off.

The mask fell with a clatter on the floor. Silence filled the room as the members stared at the face unravelled, all at a loss for words.


The aura surrounding Tobi increased with evil intent and Pein tensed all the more visibly, his forehead creasing in slight disturbance.


The person – if you could even call it as that – staring back at them had a grey mottled alien-like face, its eyes black and pupil-less.


There was a pause.

"What?" Tobi said, wondering for a second if Konan had misread, his murderous aura already vanishing into the air.

"That's what it says," Konan replied nonchalantly.

She continued.


Sasori hurriedly released his rope from the creature (?) as it started cackling.

"Tobi, un?"

"Tobi asked senpai not to do it! Tobi did! Tobi was a good boy!" The hyperactive voice remained the same as before, although it seemed to have taken a creepier tinge since the accompanying face freaked them out a little.

"What the fuck in Jashin are you?!"

"Tobi is Tobi! And now everyone will love Tobi! Tobi is a good boy!"

The creature started grabbing at them with inhumane speed, planting a huge sucking kiss on their foreheads.

"UGH!"

They rubbed their foreheads in pain as one by one, they fell to their knees.

Tobi cackled again, spreading his arms above them. "NOW YOU SHALL ALL BE MINE! MINE! YOU ARE NOW TOBI'S SENPAIS! YAY! WE SHALL CONQUER THE WORLD TOGETHER!" he proclaimed and finished off with another cackling fit.

"Yes. Master Tobi," came emotionless replies from the ninjas at his feet.

And so, Tobi's horrific plan of the reign of the Shinobi world began.


"Well. That's it," Konan calmly rolled up the scroll as she looked at the two men who had fallen into a state of silence.

"Tobi?" She prodded.

The masked man leapt up, "AH! TOBI JUST LISTENED TO A REALLY WEIRD STORY! TOBI NEEDS MORE SENPAI TO ERASE THOSE BAD THOUGHTS!"

It seemed that the man had reverted back to his hyperactive persona once he realised that the story contained nothing of concern to his real identity.

He skipped out, in search of his "Deidara-senpai!" "Get away from me, un! Art is a bang!" An explosion rang out throughout the base.

Konan looked at Pein. He glanced at her and said, "Apparently whoever wrote this might not know who Tobi really is. However it seems to know more about us than comforts me. We will need to analyse it more. Could you ask Sasori to check it for any chemicals in case the words are made out of invisible ninja ink or the likes?"

Konan nodded and brought the scroll out with her as another loud explosion rang out along with Tobi's screams.

Pein sighed once again. It was going to be another typical day of turbulence at the base.


Sasori looked up from his workbench from his puppet making as Konan walked in.

"Leader wishes for you to analyse this for any traces of ninja ink or anything that might be chemical or toxin-based."

Sasori took the scroll from her hands and unrolled it.


Sweet Melody

A songfic about the true love of the Akatsuki members. Major OOC. Possible OC.


"What's OC and OOC?" asked Konan.

Sasori shook his head, "Perhaps we might understand the terms more if we read on."

"Perhaps. And..true love?"

Sasori shrugged, "Let's find out."


A/N: Talk about a total crackfic eh? Teehee! Did you like it? Leave a review! Have a wonderful holiday and see you next chapter! :) Many thanks to bornfreeonekiss, riptocs and eclipsed flower for beta help!