A/N: hey dudes ! thanks for reviewing last chapter, y'all were rly sweet 8'3c sorry if u felt pressured by my whining hdhdhs
a small warning: this chapter deals w the topic of mental health and depression— nothing too extreme is mentioned (ie self harm or suicidal thoughts) so please don't worry about that this time around.
I projected a bit onto Light, I think. I have clinical depression so a lot of what I describe here is just how I personally feel when I'm dealing w shit. everyone is different
August 7th, 2004 — 6am
From between the gaps of gossamer curtains, streams of morning light poured over them— brilliant enough to provide warmth but not enough to burn. Light felt the glare bare down on his exposed calf, sticking out awkwardly from beneath his sea of blankets.
He was slowly growing accustomed to the sound of L typing away at his computer and sipping overly-sweetened tea as he woke up. It seemed to increase in volume, however it hadn't yet reached the level of obnoxiousness that it potentially could have.
L, while being the most competent man Light had ever met, could be extremely annoying when he wanted to be. He was capable of evoking strong, irritable emotions from within Light. Especially in the mornings, which Light already detested above all else.
At the moment, though, he wasn't feeling much of anything save for a crushing weight in his chest. It was as if something heavy had settled there, sending waves of numbing pain through his limp body. He felt listless. It was a feeling he was familiar with, but for some reason hadn't experienced in several long months.
He'd thought he'd gotten better. How wrong he was.
"Good morning, Light-kun." L greeted, monotonous drawl sounding almost cheery in contrast to Light's dismal thoughts. Light, on his side and facing L, pulled his leg back under the covers and assumed a pseudo-fetal position. He didn't answer verbally, only made a non-committal sound of acknowledgement.
L didn't seem perturbed in the slightest, most likely chalking it up to Light's usual distaste for mornings. He continued typing for a few minutes before shutting his laptop, and tossed it to the foot of their bed.
Light still hadn't made a move to sit up, and lay prone on his side as he watched L through his eyelashes.
"Tea?" L asked, already in the process of pouring Light a cup. The tea set was speckled with laurels and other small, violet flowers, offset by a few hints of green and yellow. It was lovely, and the earthy aroma of the tea was pleasant and floral.
Light didn't want any tea that morning. The idea of even attempting to drink it nauseated him.
"No, thanks." He said dully, and had he been paying attention he would've seen the surprise flicker across the detective's face. He'd never refused, before, even at his grumpiest.
"If you're sure." L replied, setting the cup aside. He held onto his own cup before taking a sip, seeming to consider the boy sharing his bed. Then, he said:
"It doesn't normally take this long for you to adjust to the waking world, Light."
Light squeezed his eyes closed for a second before sighing, resigned to his fate and slowly sitting up. He kept the blanket wrapped snugly around himself, clutching it as if it were a lifeline.
"I'm awake, Ryuuzaki." He said. His voice didn't sound right to his ears. "I just had a weird dream. That's all."
It was a lie, and a bad one at that. L tilted his head and held his teacup closer to his mouth, not yet taking another sip.
"Would you like to share?"
L wasn't normally one to ask that of anyone. Light doubted that he cared enough to, and assumed that L was only asking out of politeness and obligation rather that genuine concern.
"That's alright." Light said, averting his eyes to stare at his folded knees. He wrapped the blanket more securely around his shoulders. "I normally don't have dreams. I wouldn't know where to start."
L looked like he wanted to ask further, but refrained. The conversation ended there, and after another minute of silence the two men rose and started to get ready for the day.
Light was slow and methodical in his actions. He wordlessly raised his wrist when it was time to remove, and replace his silver cuff before and after dressing.
The journey to the kitchen was spent in silence, Light falling behind a few steps. The kitchen was empty, L's breakfast of three large strawberry tarts sitting on the center of the island. Light proceeded to make his own breakfast, and poured himself a cup of black coffee. When he sat at the island, L followed suit and proceeded to gorge himself.
Light was less than enthused, and picked at his toast sullenly. His stomach wouldn't let him put an end to his nightly fast, past the point of hunger and edging into nausea. He took a sip of coffee, ebbing the discomfort slightly.
L observed him as he ate, but didn't comment. Something in his eyes was searching for an answer. An answer to what, Light had to wonder.
The weight on Light's shoulders was pressing down, hard. He just wanted to go back to sleep. Or crawl back into bed and simply stare at the wall, the ceiling, at anything, really, and wait for the numbness to return to him. It would be a relief.
Light took a bite of his toast, utterly picked apart and looking less than appetizing. He repeated that a few times before leaving the remains untouched, pushing his plate off to the side.
"That hardly seems like an ample breakfast, Light-kun." L intoned. It was rather ironic, considering the amount of sugar the detective consumed on an hourly basis.
"I don't feel well." Light said, speaking honestly. His stomach flipped a bit, attesting to his statement.
"Even so, a few bites of toast does not a breakfast make." L countered, reaching over with his free hand to pluck a pear from the glass fruit bowl by its stem. "You should at least try some fruit."
"You should take your own advice." Light snapped, but acquiesced, snatching the pear from the detective's knobby fingers. He took a bite, skin and all, glaring daggers at the man next to him. The pear, while sweet, helped to settle his stomach a bit but did little else.
"I assure you, I do get my daily dose of fruits and vegetables one way or another." L said, expression slightly pinched in disgust. Watari made it a point to deliver assortment of vitamins to L several times a day, in addition to his typical buffet of tea and sweets. It made for an amusing sight, most of the time.
Light took another bite of his pear before setting it down, licking over his teeth to catch any remaining juice. He didn't feel like responding, and gave an indifferent shrug of his shoulders.
He hated feeling this way. The depression warred with his rational thoughts, imbalanced chemicals in his brain making him feel things that didn't make any sense. His heart felt heavy with a mixture of hopelessness and soul-crushing apathy.
Breakfast continued without much fanfare, and reached its conclusion soon after.
—
Once 8:30 came around, the task force began pooling into the shared office space one by one. Touta Matsuda and Light's father were the first to arrive, the former heading over to the coffee carafe to pour himself a cup of black, liquidized energy.
Soichiro offered his son an amiable greeting before settling at his desk, starting his work for the day.
Matsuda, ever the cheerful fellow, walked over to where Light and L sat with his coffee held in a vice grip. He had a wide, friendly grin that touched his soft, gray eyes, and he looked as if he had something exciting to share.
"Good morning, Light-kun!" He chirped brightly. He turned his attention and offered a polite "Good morning" to L before returning to Light.
"Hello, Matsuda-san." Light replied, forcibly mustering a friendly grin. He didn't dislike the older detective by any stretch, but he did find him to be disarmingly naive. It was difficult trying to wade through his depressive fog while in the company of someone with such unbridled optimism. "How're you this morning?"
"Oh, I'm fine!" Matsuda chirped pleasantly, rocking back on his heels in a casual fashion. He had a funny, charming grin on his face, which immediately set Light on edge. He had a feeling he knew where this was going. "Have you been able to see Misa-Misa at all since your release?"
The way he asked this was on par with the way someone would ask about the weather. Not to mention the fact that he disregarded the chain linking Light to L, physical proof that Light had not actually been released at all.
Light felt a headache coming on.
"No. I've been busy." He said in a dismissive tone. It wasn't intentional, not really, but he wasn't interested in the direction this conversation was taking. Matsuda wilted a bit, looking more upset than he ought to be considering the topic wasn't even about himself.
"But, she's your girlfriend, isn't she?" Matsuda pressed, eyes widening in confusion. "And she's so beautiful! Why wouldn't you want to see her?"
Light had to physically suppress a put-upon sigh. He didn't want to have this talk, especially not with Misa's biggest fanboy.
"Seeing her isn't my top priority right now." Light said, the limited emotion he had in his voice just a moment ago nowhere to be heard. He turned his head away after that, continuing the work that Matsuda had interrupted. L shifted in his seat beside him, choosing to finally insert himself into the conversation.
"I believe there is something a bit more important that you should be focusing on right now, Matsuda-san." L said, giving the older man a knowing look behind his usually expressionless eyes. Matsuda blanched at the thinly veiled warning-turned-suggestion and hastily made his retreat after offering them both a quick apology.
Light let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding and continued to work in silence. A few minutes passed that way before L spoke up.
"Is Light-kun certain that he doesn't wish to see Amane-san at this time?"
Light tensed up immediately. So much for the subject coming to a close.
"I'm certain." Light replied once his muscles had begun to relax. He threw L a quick glance, taking in the detective's slightly awkward appearance, before averting his eyes. "It isn't necessary."
He left it at that. It was true that he didn't think it was necessary to see Misa at this time, or any other time. He knew that they were supposedly in some type of relationship, but he didn't remember why or how it came to be. She was a beautiful girl, some would even argue adorable or sexy depending on the context, but Light felt no romantic inclinations towards her.
Light could appreciate her beauty for what it was, but outside of appreciation there was nothing else. It left him with little clue of how to proceed, and he was unused to not knowing what his future held.
Light could feel L's inquisitive eyes drilling holes into the side of his head. The discomfort in his chest swelled a little, causing his perfect posture to droop. His lungs had to work that much harder to expand.
After a few minutes, the heat of L's eyes left Light's face, and the detective resumed his work whilst grabbing a fist full of jelly beans. He was able to block out the other's loud chewing once he let his attention stay on-task.
He had a few open task bars, all of which circulated around the Kira murders— the most recent one occurring on July 30th. There hadn't been another one since, and things had seemed to settle down much to the task force's displeasure.
They wanted the bastard caught, and they were still unable to determine direct link between the victims.
It was starting to feel hopeless. Light's shoulders slumped forward dejectedly as his eyes swam across the screen. Everything bled together into a mess of theories and missing information.
As it stood, solving a jigsaw puzzle made up of a blank white canvas would've been easier than solving this case.
At noon, it was time for their lunch hour. The break was a welcome excuse for many to step away from their computers and stretch their legs and aching backs.
Watari arrived at promptly 12:15 with tray of freshly baked pastries, each smattered with a variety of sugary, cavity-inducing toppings.
L, still facing his computer screen, reached with his free hand and plucked up a strawberry cupcake and began the process of licking away the frosting like an ice cream cone.
Light felt a twisting in his gut, unsure whether or not it was due to genuine sickness or hunger. He kept his eyes glued to the screen, ignoring the jingling of the chain as L ate his dessert.
"Is Light-kun still feeling unwell?" L asked, spinning his chair slightly to face the younger man. He held his partially eaten cupcake up to his lips, his other hand picking at the fraying cuff of his jeans.
"I'm fine." Light deflected, keeping his eyes trained on his computer screen. They saw everything but read nothing— and it wasn't anything he didn't already know.
L hummed thoughtfully as he popped the rest of his cupcake into his mouth, rolling the foil between his fingers before grabbing a second. A chocolate cake topped with rich fudge frosting, and candied almonds dusted the top like a golden, sandy shore. He held it delicately between his fingers, inspecting it appreciatively.
"Then why don't you eat something?" L asked suddenly, meeting the teenager's gaze. Light's stomach nearly betrayed him with an unseemly growl but it changed course and proceeded to churn at the mere suggestion of food. L held out the cupcake in offering, leaning forward against his bent knees expectantly.
"I'm not very hungry right now, Ryuuzaki." Light said, adopting a pained expression as he was forced to stare at the gooey chocolate confection in the detective's outstretched hand. L retracted the offered dessert and licked up a few of the almonds into his mouth, chewing them carefully.
"I can have Watari bring something else to your liking, if sugar is the issue." L said, and punctuated that statement by pulling out his phone and flipping it open. Cupcake set aside for the time being, he left his finger hovering over the speed dial and waited for Light to respond.
Light sighed, defeated by the other's pestering, and slumped a little in his seat.
"Okay, fine." He said, resting his chin on his open palm. He let his tired gaze rest on the detective, mouth pulled into a slight frown. "I don't have any preferences, as long as it isn't too heavy or soaked in chocolate."
L nodded in affirmation and proceeded to contact Watari, asking that he bring Light something to eat within those guidelines. It left a lot of wiggle room.
A few minutes later, Watari appeared with a plate of fruit slices and unsalted crackers, along with a tall glass of water.
"Ryuuzaki has informed me of your situation." He said, setting the plate of food into Light's waiting hands, the glass of water next to his keyboard. "This should help stave off some of your discomfort."
"Thank you." Light said quietly, and he meant it. Watari nodded wordlessly and looked to L for further instruction.
"You're dismissed, thank you Watari." L waved off the older man, already setting his sights on a particularly delicious looking caramel torte after finishing his second cupcake. Watari bowed and swiftly took his leave in the direction of the monitoring room, where he was to remain until he was eventually summoned once more.
Light began picking at the plate of fruit on his desk in disinterest. He had thought he recognized the hunger pains, but his appetite left along with Watari. He plucked up a grape between his fingers and popped it into his mouth, chewing slowly before swallowing. It felt disgusting going down, and he pulled a face.
Light's father remained at his desk, but he cast his son a worried glance when he noticed how little he was eating. He likely wanted to say something, but thought better of it when his eyes trained on L's hunched form.
The rest of the workday was spent in relative quiet.
—
At the end of they day, once the last of the task force had left the office, L decided that it was time they had a conversation.
"I find that I'm surprised." He said, breaking through the silence with his soft monotone. "Light-kun has been especially withdrawn today, even more so than what is normal for him."
"What are you talking about?" Light asked, turning towards L with what was supposed to be a confused expression. It ended up as something more akin to a grimace, the look almost entirely foreign on his sharp features. "I'm just tired, Ryuuzaki."
"I'm sure that is part of it, yes." L agreed. "But I don't believe that is the only thing affecting you right now."
Light stiffened, bristling at the observation.
"Oh, really?" He asked, hands clenching irritably in his lap. "Care to enlighten me on your theories?"
"That would be of no use." L said, bringing his thumb to rest against his lip before carefully nibbling on the abused nail bed. "You are already aware of how you are feeling."
Light glared at him darkly, amber eyes beginning to narrow into slits.
"Yeah, I am." He said, just a tad too evenly to be considered natural calm. "And I'm telling you that I'm fine."
"'Fine' can mean anything." L spoke around his thumb, words slightly garbled by the appendage in his mouth. "It's relative and has a several definitions. I have to wonder, to which one is Light-kun referring?"
"The one that means I'm feeling overtly healthy." Light groused, eyebrows scrunching into a decidedly annoyed countenance. "Why do you care, anyway?"
"Why would I not?" L asked, removing his thumb from his mouth. He settled his hands onto his propped knees, squeezing and rubbing circles into the denim. "I believe I've told you on more than one occasion that, although I have reason to believe that you are Kira, I also view you as my closest friend."
Any other day that would've gotten an indignant response out of Light. He'd also be lying if he said that it didn't spark some anger deep, deep down. But the foremost emotion he could identify was a deep, numbing sadness.
It started in his heart, thudding heavily in his chest, each beat pumping him full of the sickly black feeling. It spread through his body like a poison, buzzing through in his fingers and toes and behind his burning eyes.
He shuddered a breath, lungs quivering in the confines of his body. Without any preemptive warning, a drop of hot liquid spilled from his eye.
L immediately noticed and froze in his seat, arched back curling up that much more as he watched the younger boy's eyes fill with tears.
"..Light?"
The teenager let out a strangled whimper, unable to keep it locked up, and quickly wiped at the tears that started streaming down his face without his permission. He hadn't cried in nearly a year, not since his last bout of depression that he had been so lucky to be able to hide from his family. No one was allowed to see him cry.
"Stop looking at me!" He cried pathetically, embarrassed at his sudden lack of emotional control. He desperately covered his face with his hands, shrinking in on himself. "Oh my god, this is so fucking stupid!"
"Light, what's wrong?" L asked, eyes impossibly wide as they searched Light's for an answer. He had likely never heard Light curse before now.
"I don't know!" Light said through a painfully clenched jaw, trying his damnedest to get his breathing back under control. "I don't know why this always happens to me, okay?! I woke up feeling like shit, it was only a matter of time!"
He dried his face on his shirtsleeve, breathing heavily through his mouth once his sinuses began to close up. His eyes were throbbing and they felt much too heavy in their sockets.
"This has happened before?" L asked, seeming to be genuinely taken aback by this turn of events. He looked shaken by Light's outburst, and by the fact that Light still hadn't finished crying.
"I don't want to talk about it!" Light snapped, setting his angry red eyes on L. Just as soon as the tears started, they stopped, leaving Light feeling disheveled and humiliated. He quickly logged out of his computer and stood, keeping his head bowed and eyes out of sight.
"I want to go to bed."
L nodded mutely, rising to his feet before being dragged out of the office, into the elevator and eventually into their bedroom by the chain around his wrist. Light was merciless, looping the chain taught in his hand the entire way.
L released the handcuffs without a word, and Light quickly disrobed before offering his wrist once more, holding it aloft while L changed into more comfortable clothing. The cuffs were quickly secured, and they headed over to the bathroom to brush their teeth before climbing into bed.
Light lay curled on his side, facing away from L. He brought the covers over his head, hiding from the other man despite being physically linked together.
When he remained silent, he heard L sigh before feeling the bed dip beside him. A warm, thin weight stretched over his side, clicking off the lamp on his bedside table and pitching half of the room in darkness.
Light heard another click from the other side of the bed, and the room was finally, blessedly dark. L didn't move again, remaining crouched against the headboard next to Light. The younger boy could faintly hear the sound of L's toes massaging into the duvet, nails scratching against the soft material.
Minutes, maybe even hours passed in the dark confines of their room before L finally spoke up.
"Light-kun..." He tried, setting an tentative hand against Light's shoulder. It was warm, with a hidden strength beneath the surface. Light didn't react. "Light-kun."
"What do you want."
"I would very much like to talk about what just happened."
Light let out a deep, exhausted sigh and shrugged off L's hand. He rolled over so he could face L properly. He kept the blanket snug around his shoulders and tucked under his chin, blinking rapidly as his eyes tried to adjust to the darkness.
"What about it." Light said, tone listless and bleak. "It was a moment of weakness. I don't know what happened. I'm fine now."
"No it wasn't, yes you do and no you're not." L countered the list in quick succession. He adjusted his position so that he was facing Light fully, leaning into the balls of his feet. "You said that you woke up in a poor state."
"Yeah."
"You also said that you were aware of your breaking down being an inevitability based on that fact."
"Yes." Light said again, frowning now. "What's your point."
"My point, Light, is that you admitted to being in emotional distress and then vehemently denied it after the fact."
"Ryuuzaki..." Light growled in warning, body coiled tight beneath his heavy blanket. "I told you that I don't want to talk about it right now."
"Do you plan on talking about it should this come to pass again in the future?" L pressed, fingers digging into his calves as he leaned even closer to Light. "You said it's happened before. What if it happens again?"
"If I wanted to tell you, then I would've already!" Light nearly shouted. "Please just leave me alone, Ryuuzaki, I don't feel comfortable sharing anything right now."
L seemed to take that into consideration before deflating.
"If that is what Light-kun wants."
Light rolled over to face the other direction, keeping his back to L. He hugged his knees to his chest, toes curling painfully as he fought off another surge of melancholy.
"Thanks."
"Good night, Light-kun."
"Goodnight."
The room fell silent a final time that evening. Light eventually fell into a fitful, dreamless sleep. And, unbeknownst to him, L observed it all.
A/N: [coughs blood into the palm of my hand] oh god... [shudders a breath] p-please... review.. this is my final wish...
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