Oh my gosh you guys, how insane was last night's Glee? I loved it and I hated it at the same time. It would have been perfect if Kurt had told Dave that he loved him and then they got married instead of Finn and Rachel:) Well, I am going to keep writing this without adding anything from last night. I hope that's ok. I love all of your reviews and favorites. You guys are the BEST.
Three weeks.
Well, three weeks, 2 days, and 12 hours since Kurt had deleted Dave's text from his phone and tried to forget about that Saturday morning in the back room of the other boy's job.
Three weeks of crushing guilt, knowing he should tell Blaine what happened.
Three weeks of even more guilt, as he dreamed of that morning with Dave every single night.
Three weeks of a longing so intense that Kurt sometimes felt it would bring him to his knees. Longing to be wrapped up in the strong arms of this boy that he didn't understand, didn't love, and didn't even really know.
He and Blaine had been through so much together. Blaine had brought him back from such a dark place. A dark place created; in large part, by Dave. He'd been so happy with him. So content. Until that Valentines night. It shouldn't have mattered what Dave said. It shouldn't have mattered that he had whispered those words with so much anguish.
I think I love you.
He didn't love Dave. He didn't.
So why couldn't he control these feelings? Why did he feel like he was slowly going crazy?
He'd tried everything to forget the other boy.
He thought of all the times Dave bullied him.
He'd been extra romantic with Blaine.
But even sex with Blaine hadn't helped.
It had left him feeling more empty and lost than ever.
Because he hadn't been able to stop picturing that he was sharing such an intimate and intense experience with someone else. Blaine's dark eyes and hair had faded until all he could see was a shy smile and tortured hazel eyes.
The combination of guilt and yearning was about to break him. He'd almost confessed to Blaine. This wasn't fair to him. It wasn't fair to either boy.
But apparently he was more of a coward than he had thought. Because he still hadn't confessed to Blaine and he was still ignoring Dave.
And he couldn't bear to hurt either one of them.
Kurt made it another 24 hours before he found himself pulled up outside Dave's house. Blaine had gone to his cousin's house in Baltimore for a wedding and would be gone for 4 days.
If there ever was a time to deal with the "Dave situation", this was it. Although, if he was honest with himself, Kurt still didn't know what he was going to say or do.
He just knew that he had to see him. Had to be near him.
Taking a deep breath, he stepped out of his car.
His knees buckled, and only his fast grip on the car door kept him from falling onto the pavement.
God, this was so much harder than even he'd thought it would be.
What was he doing? What was he thinking?
Oh God, the porch light was on. Someone was opening the door.
Dave.
Kurt's knees buckled again and this time he couldn't stop the momentum pulling him down to the pavement, his back against the driver side door.
Tears of humiliation burned behind the closed lids of his eyes. He could hear the gravel crunching beneath the shoes of the other boy. Great, now Dave was probably going to call the police. He knew he would have already been on the phone to 911 if he'd seen some weirdo collapse in his driveway.
The footsteps stopped and Kurt could sense someone standing over him. And al of the sudden he wasn't sure who it was. It could be Dave's dad, or his brother. His face burning, he pushed trembling hands through his rumpled hair and braced himself to open his eyes and face whatever fallout would come from this horrible decision.
Before he could muster up the courage to look, he heard the sound of a person shifting and felt warmth radiating next to his chilled body. A hesitant voice spoke, the single word reverberating in his ears.
"Hey".
Dave.
It was Dave sitting on this cold pavement with him.
And in that moment the humiliation and fear fell away and all he could feel was an intense rush through his body, from the tips of his toes to the top of his head. A rush of peace, of warmth, of security.
Dave was here.
Everything was going to be ok.
And suddenly Kurt's words were tripping over each other. He wanted..needed..to say so many things to this boy. So many things he hadn't even been able to say to himself until this exact time, this exact place.
"Dave, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for ignoring that text. I'm sorry for coming to see you and then hiding. I didn't know I was such a coward. I've wanted to talk to you every single minute of every single day for the last 24 days. I'm just so..so confused and I love Blaine, I love him so much, Dave. He loves me too. He loves me and I…I can't hurt him. I can't hurt him, but I feel something when I'm with you. I feel so much when I'm with you and I..I…"
Kurt's words, rushed and almost incoherent in places, came to a trembling halt. He'd said so much and yet he felt like he hadn't even begun to explain his feelings at all. He didn't know if he had the words to explain.
Dave; dressed in dark blue jeans and a bright red McKinley High sweatshirt, his hair as rumpled as Kurt's, was looking at him, his hazel eyes brilliant against the night sky.
Kurt couldn't look right at Dave. Couldn't bear to read what the other boy was thinking or feeling reflected in those hazel depths.
A long moment of silence stretched between them. Kurt didn't know how to fill it. Didn't have any more words. And just when he thought he would go crazy, Dave's low voice pierced the silence.
"Kurt, nothing is more important to me than you being ok. I can't stand the thought of you being hurt. I can see that it's tearing you up to be in this situation. Part of me, the selfish part, is yelling at me to try and do anything to keep you here. I've dreamed of you being here so many times. Well.,"
He paused and Kurt could hear the smile in his voice as he spoke again.
"By here, I mean my home, not the driveway. Ok, to be completely honest, I've dreamed of you being in the driveway. In the backseat..umm…in my car, not on the pavement."
Kurt's cheeks flushed a deeper red and his mind was immediately assaulted with a thousand images of him and Dave together in the backseat of his car, his mouth locked on Dave's , their hands gripping each other, frantic in their desire to touch, to …
Dave's voice snapped him back to attention, though the increasingly husky tone of his voice indicated that he wasn't unaffected by his revelation either.
"Kurt, I get it. I love Blaine too. I love how confident his love has made you, how happy. He was there for you when I was trying to destroy that confidence. I wouldn't ever ask you to cheat on him or leave him. I shouldn't have come on Valentines Day. And I shouldn't have kissed you at my job. It's just really hard for me.."
Kurt's eyes were trained on Dave's steadily reddening face, his heart in his throat. What would the other boy say next?
"I've never felt anything like the feelings I have around you. It's like you're a drug to me. When I see you my mind goes blank and all I can think is "I've got to hold him, I've got to kiss him, I've got to protect him and cherish him".
Dave laughed self consciously. Kurt almost couldn't hear the raspy sound over the beating of his own heart.
" Stupid, right? I guess you kind of bring out my cave man instincts. I see you and I think "mine". And I know it's wrong and it's not fair to you. I need you to be happy. Knowing you are happy, knowing you are loved, that's all I need in this life. That's all that I ask God for every night on my knees. I'll be ok as long as you are ok"
Kurt's heart felt like it was going to burst out of his chest. He couldn't get a handle on his feelings and his thoughts were all over the place. Hearing the words that Dave said, it had filled some part in him that he hadn't know had been empty until that moment. Hearing him talk about his feelings, how much he wanted Kurt, it made Kurt's blood pressure soar and his toes curl beneath the polished surface of his loafers.
He and Karofsky were at least on the same page in that regard. They had a severe case of mutual lust. Even now, with his thoughts in a jumble, sitting on the pavement in the cold winter air, Kurt's finger were literally itching to touch the other boy. To pull off the baggy sweatshirt and run his hands over…
Kurt slammed the door on his thoughts, and tried to get his heart and his breathing under control. He really tried with everything he had.
But nothing was working.
Not imaging Blaine.
Not thinking of Karofsky the bully.
Not repeating "I'm not a cheater" over and over in his head.
He didn't realize he'd moved until he found his hand covering Dave's.
The other boy's breath caught, and he raised his beautiful eyes to Kurt, their hazel depths questioning and just a little bit hopeful.
