Author's Note: Sorry for the delay, I've been semi-busy and really lazy. I tried thinking about things Wheatley would say to the Cake sphere, but this turned out much better than the one-sided conversation that I had planned. Enjoy.
"One 18.25-ounce package chocolate cake mix. One can prepared coconut pecan frosting. Three slash four cups vegetable oil. Four large eggs, one cup semi-sweet chocolate chips. Three slash four cups butter or margarine."
Wheatley sighed. The core had begun to recite its ridiculous recipe again. Although it pained him to admit it, Wheatley had felt a small amount of relief when GLaDOS had exploded the Curiosity core (she couldn't have simply turned off the simulation, she had to explode the poor little core). However, whatever relief he had felt had completely and utterly vanished when he became familiar with his current companion. The Cake sphere continuously droned on and on about its recipe for a cake. It never stopped. It never said anything else. Ever. It had gotten to the point where Wheatley had developed a craving for cake. How did that even happen? He was a mechanical sphere, for crying out loud!
"One and two-third cups granulated sugar. Two cups all-purpose flour. Don't forget garnishes such as: fish-shaped crackers, fish-shaped candies, fish-shaped solid waste, fish-shaped dirt, fish-shaped ethyl benzene, pull and peal licorice, fish-shaped volatile organic compounds, and sediment-shaped sediment. Candy-coated peanut butter pieces. Shaped like fish."
He remembered questioning the sphere about all the fish-shaped and inedible items when it had first reached this part of its recipe. It was like talking to a brick wall. Seriously, the bloody sphere was less a personality core and more of a recording of some psycho chef.
"One cup lemon juice. Alpha resins. Unsaturated polyester resin. Fiberglass surface resins and volatile malted milk impoundments. Nine large egg yolks. Twelve medium geosynthetic membranes. One cup granulated sugar. An entry called 'How to Kill Someone with Your Bare Hands'."
Wheatley groaned. He had heard the bizarre recipe more than enough to know what came after "How to Kill Someone with Your Bare Hands". It was time to drown the cake with copious amounts of-
"Two cups rhubarb, sliced. Two slash three cup granulated rhubarb. One tablespoon all-purpose rhubarb. One teaspoon grated orange rhubarb. Three tablespoons rhubarb on fire. One large rhubarb. One cross borehole electro-magnetic imaging rhubarb. Two table spoons rhubarb juice."
Rhubarb. He was about to think "rhubarb" before the sphere continued its monotonous rant and had reached the bit with the rhubarb. Wheatley had stopped wondering what the cake would look like if he actually used all these ingredients years ago. He just listened absentmindedly while the Cake core finished its recipe.
"Adjustable aluminum head-positioner. Slaughter electric needle injector. Cordless electric needle injector. Injector needle driver. Injector needle gun. Cranial caps and it contains proven preservatives, deep penetration agents, and gas and odor control chemicals that will deodorize and preserve putrid tissue."
There was a moment of silence. Wheatley counted the seconds. It seemed like it was taking longer than it normally did. Was it really finished? After all this time, could it really be-
"One 18.25-ounce package chocolate cake mix. One can prepared coconut pecan frosting. Three slash four cup vegetable oil. Four large eggs, one cup semi-sweet chocolate chips. Three slash four cups butter or margarine."
No, he should have known better. He remembered a quote from GLaDOS' database he had found when he was looking for things to say that would make him seem like less of a moron: "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results." The Cake sphere had been saying the same thing over and over again for years, no matter what Wheatley had said to try and change the subject. He had tried telling the sphere his life's story, making his bird sounds, and screaming "SHUT UP!" at it for extended periods of time. When the core seemed dead-set on talking about baking, he had asked him baking-related things like "should I preheat the oven?" or "what would you recommend for making a pie?" just so the Cake core would say anything other than his ungodly recipe. When Wheatley had expected the core to stop after all this time, not only did that make him a moron, it made him insane.
As the Cake sphere reminded him not to forget fish-shaped garnishes, Wheatley began to cry.
Author's Note: Poor Wheatley… so just in case you forgot, Anger's up next. Please leave a review. There will be cake.
