Chapter 3: The Truly Noble Heart

(Thanks so much to lovely reviewers Manga-Fanfic Fan (Ooh, sorry you fell off the cliffie! Hope you like this one, just...step carefully!), Cynder81 (Glad you like it! I will be updating more stories after Sousuke Aizen's special birthday release on the 29th, so Red Vessel and Petals and Fangs are coming soon!), Cptn Suz (Bya/Ren will always be nearest and dearest to my heart, although Aizen/Bya and Aizen/Tetsuya is sooooo yummy too!), Walkure (Ah, but Byakuya has so much else to deal with right now, it hasn't had time to sink in what he'll do if he actually escapes the charges...hmmm!), Hieizzz (Hmmm, maybe...maybe not!), Autheane (Here ya' go!), Irockyourworld123 (No more waiting for this one! On to the next!), Princess Moon Shadow (Thanks so much!), Roisin Ichimaru (Here's more...and more is in the works!), Kakashii's Wifey (Yeah, Tetsuya with a girl! Who knew? LOL), Byakuya-Renji (Okay! New chpater delivered! On to the next!), Firebirdever (Byakuya's in a bind, but he has a true friend in Renji, who will prove himself invaluable as things move forward.), KingHerod (The wait is over! Enjoy!), Mina Kye (Renji will have his work cut out for him, talking some sense into Byakuya, but ooh boy! Once he does...!), Liv2luv (Oh, bring your hankie! I actually shed a few tears. I wonder if anyone will know when in the story that was?), D-Chan (Well, it won't be long. Renji's got his mind set on 'helping.' Come on...who wouldn't vounterr for that?), Stephanie Rie Thanks so much! You are so very sweet! :) You really made my week!), Misslilly2012 (Here's the new one you were waiting for, and more is on the way!), and TomyAllen (It is different and so much fun! I am having trouble finishing other stuff because I'm kinda addicted!).

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All of my life, my feet have been guided along the path to the heights of nobility. It is not until I have reached the top and looked back, that I realize that true nobility is written across the soul. It is not in blood or name, but in the hearts and eyes of those who lifted me.

Many hands led me.

Fewer lifted me.

And your faith, your loyalty, your love...set me upon the pinnacle.

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Renji knew better than to look for any sign of his captain's true reaction in words or the set of his body as they faced each other. And as expected, Byakuya's body remained perfectly calm. Not a muscle yielded itself to whatever emotion he might feel. Everything froze but for that one window into the noble's well hidden heart.

It wasn't until after Soukyoku Hill that I realized...There are only two parts of Byakuya Kuchiki's body that the man does not completely control. The first is his heart. Regardless of what words he might say or what actions he might take, this man knows his heart. He accepts that his heart is the source of his great strength, and he listens to it, even if he cannot give it what it seeks. His heart wanted to save Rukia...and even though he could not yield to that calling, he acknowledged it to the one person he had to, to himself. And when the moment came that the bonds were released, he let his heart guide him. Even though that choice could well have meant his death. That too, he accepted gracefully.

The other part of himself he doesn't control are his eyes. They can be as cold as the steel color that marks them, but they are frighteningly honest. And that's why he didn't look directly at Rukia for all of those years. He spoke with his back to her, with his eyes averted, or with them closed...or partially closed like they are right now. He can make them lie only for a moment before they give him away. He uses this when he has to look someone else in the eyes. But he never holds their gaze for more than a moment, because his eyes reflect his heart. And the hardest lesson that he had to learn growing up was that most of the people around him didn't want to know the content of his heart. They wanted his obedience. Even though he had to fight himself to do it, he gave them that. It was a matter of duty, honor, respect for his family. But he should know that he doesn't have to be that way with me.

"Get out of the way, Renji."

I think he does know somewhere inside. But he's fighting it. I'm not going to let him get away with that.

"You want me to move?" Renji said, seeking the noble's eyes, "Then you look me in the eyes and you tell me that. Tell me that you're too good for someone like me. Tell me that even honoring your father's legacy and your own is not enough to make you lower yourself to lie down with me. Go ahead. You think I haven't heard that and a million other insults like it, growing up where I did? I have been told that I'd never amount to anything, that I'd always be trash, that six feet under the ground was the only home I'd ever own and my own hand was going to be my only relief from loneliness. I didn't believe that shit then, and I won't believe it now."

"You think that this is about class differences?" Byakuya asked, keeping his eyes carefully lowered, "You would think that of me? Someone who was married to a commoner?"

"No," said the redhead, in a softer tone, "I don't think that. But I know you. You will say whatever you have to, to push yourself through what you think you have to do. And let's just say that I'm right, Captain. Let's say I'm right and for some reason you haven't told me yet, you think we shouldn't do what we can to keep that promise you made. Just tell me the truth, then. Tell me why."

"Very well, then. The reason..." Byakuya began.

He left off as Renji's hand wrapped around his wrist.

"Look me in the eyes," Renji said calmly as Byakuya glared down at the hand that held his wrist, "and tell me."

Byakuya's eyes met his coldly.

"Remove your hand or I will remove it forcibly!" he said, anger making his reiatsu rise warningly.

Renji focused deeply on his eyes, watching closely as he spoke again.

"Okay, I will. But...in case you plan to flash step out of here and recklessly burn your last chance to make sure that your promise is kept, just know that I won't make it that easy for you. I will make you have to mess me up pretty damned badly if you want to go that way."

"Why?" Byakuya said, before he could stop himself, "Renji, why are you doing this?"

A smile touched Renji's lips as Byakuya's eyes broke away from his again.

I saw it just now.

Hope.

I have you, Byakuya, and I think you know it.

You are going to tell me the truth.

"Because I know that you're just refusing because you don't want to lower your pride and accept my help," Renji said, releasing his hand and watching it drop to the noble's side, "It's probably only part of the answer, but I'm hoping that since we've cut through the shit you always try to hand me, maybe now you'll be honest with me. You trusted me enough to tell me about this whole thing. It's just one step farther to let me help you to see this through. You could ask Tetsuya...and he's married with a baby on the way, for kami's sake! I'm single. I'm not going to be offended. And I know what this means to you!"

"I understand that," Byakuya answered, a very slight tremor in his voice, "But as much as I am not saying everything, neither are you, Renji."

"Huh?" Renji asked, looking surprised, "What do you mean?"

Byakuya bit at his lips in a very uncharacteristic reveal of the forces doing battle inside him.

Holy shit...I think the walls are really beginning to crumble.

"You pointed out that I chose Tetsuya, despite the fact that it would be a burden on him, because he is happily married to Aratani and has a baby on the way. But still, his burden would be less than yours because he has those comforts to fall back on when the baby is born and he is not allowed to reveal his connection to this child, who would be my heir."

"What?" said the redhead, barely fighting off the urge to take offense, "Are you saying that my life is so pathetic that...?"

"No," said the noble, "That is not it at all."

"Then, what is it?" Renji demanded, his own reiatsu swelling, "Because it sounded like you thought that I'd crumble afterward and go pining away like some pathetic, whipped..."

"There is nothing pathetic about you or the life you lead," Byakuya said quietly, "You have, in fact, pointed out your strength in overcoming the words and criticisms, fighting your way to the academy, into the Gotei 13 and more specifically to my very side. You set your goals and you aim at them relentlessly. But Renji, sometimes you set a goal that you do not even see...one that has deep meaning to you, but you will not face with your eyes open. And that is why."

"Whoa, hold on a second," Renji said, shaking his head in confusion, "A goal I set? What are you talking about?"

"Abarai," said the noble, an edge of something that sounded like desperation in his voice, "How stupid and blind do you think I am? Why do you think that I never asked you to finish what you were going to say that day in the hospital, when Ichigo interrupted you? Why do you think that just yesterday, I flash stepped away before you could..."

"Could what?" Renji shouted, cutting him off, "Embarrass myself by saying that you're still my captain? The person I look up to and whose strength I measure my own by? What is wrong with that? I do look up to you! I do measure my strength by how well I fare against you, because you are the strongest shinigami I know!"

"Captain Zaraki's fully released spiritual pressure..."

"You think that's what true strength is?" Renji yelled, his reiatsu burning red around him, "Don't even try to pretend that you do! You know better than that! It's not about raw power. Maybe when I was younger and more naive, I thought that way. And it got me part of way, sure. But there came a point when raw power wasn't enough...when courage, intelligence and heart started to matter. And when that point in time came, there was only one place for me to be...and that was with you. How many goddamned times do I have to tell you? This is where I want to be, and you are who I want to be with. And after all you have done to make me stronger..."

"What I've done to make you stronger?" Byakuya repeated, his face paling in disbelief and his eyes touching Renji's for a moment, before quickly snapping shut, "Please! I did nothing to make you, or anyone else stronger. I chose you as my vice captain, more because I knew that you had been Rukia's friend, and that a vice captain's position would allow you to at least speak to her again."

"And why the fuck would you care if I ever spoke to her again?" Renji demanded, "You didn't even know me!"

"No, I didn't know you," the noble admitted, "But I did know her...how like Hisana she was, and how my inability to even look at her, hurt her and left her feeling abandoned. I could offer her food, shelter and material wealth, but I could not bear her presence."

Renji's anger quickly deflated at the soft admission, and the anger began to drain away.

"You, on the other hand, had been her friend. And you could be again, if this one small decision I made favored you. And you deserved the position anyway. You were already powerful enough. And you were intelligent enough to figure out very quickly that although I was blessed with exceptional power and skill, myself, I was no leader."

"What? When did I...?"

"You were right when, in our battle, you said that I never took the time to pay attention to what my subordinates were doing. As a masterful strategist, it was unforgivable for me to allow myself that weakness. Had you defeated me that day, I would have deserved it for my recklessness in ignoring the ones around me, whose purpose for being there was to fight alongside me and defend me if I fell into harm's way. I was full of pride and told myself that I didn't need their protection. And maybe I didn't. But, for the sake of our squad's ability to fight and die together, I should have accepted it!"

"So you made a mistake and you learned from it," Renji said, more calmly, "We all do, ne Captain?"

"To a large extent, yes," agreed the noble, "But despite the benefit of making mistakes and learning from them, there are some mistakes that we should not make...some for which the price would be too high."

"And you think that having sex with me and making this baby to fulfill the promise to your father, and to take the weight off of your heart while you deal with the charges against you...you think that would be a mistake?" asked the redhead, "Because I don't see that! I just see you...being too proud to accept...giving up before you've even used up all of your options."

"Hurting you again is not an option," Byakuya managed in a whisper, "Not after what you just did for me...what you are doing for me now. And however you try to ignore or deny it, this would be a dreadful weight for you to bear."

"How do you figure?" asked Renji, "If I'm powerful enough to be a captain, as you have already tried to convince me to do. If I'm worthy of serving with you and being in Rukia's life again...How can you say those things about me and think I'm not strong enough? My heart is in this. It's one of those goals I've set. I want to help you. I am going to help you."

"Renji, I do not doubt the truth or the intent behind that desire, but your fatal flaw is that you bare your heart too brashly. And you have shown me what you will not see yourself. Or maybe you do see it, but you hide it. Perhaps because you fear what I would think if you said the words. Think about it. So much of what we have become is shared in moments, not words. Unlike others, you do not offer your assistance, any more than I ask it. But you give it...and I accept it. It is all unspoken, but it is there. Because communication doesn't always happen in words. We are men of action, but we have to be prepared for where those actions will take us."

"I don't understand," Renji said wearily, "What are you saying, Captain?"

"You won't understand the words," Byakuya whispered, meeting Renji's eyes and freezing the redhead in place with the emotion in them, "So I won't speak them. I will use a language that your heart can understand."

His eyes still locked on Renji's, Byakuya curved one slender hand around the redhead's flushed cheek and kissed him very gently on the mouth. A resounding shock flooded Renji's body, making his eyelids flutter and close, his lips press harder against the noble's, his hands tremble where they moved to embrace him, and his knees weaken beneath him.

Oh my god, he knows, doesn't he?

What was I thinking? Of course he knows! I'm not the most subtle person, and he's got to have figured out that I've started to fall in love with him.

But what was that I saw in his eyes...just before he kissed me and everything else disappeared?

What was that emotion?

Was he saying that he...?

"Okay," Renji said, his heart pounding oddly in anticipation, "I admit it. I have realized that it isn't just that I look up to you, that I compare myself to you, or that I trust and respect you, although all of those things are true. I think I am falling in love with you. But even if I am, Captain, that doesn't mean that you can't let me help you. I know this is just something you are doing for your father. I won't be confused into thinking that it's about you and me, or that you're offering me anything beyond here and now. I get that. I may have feelings for you, and yeah, it won't be easy to have you here with me for a moment, then lose that. But what you said about Tetsuya finding comfort in his family? I never depended on family, and I didn't draw comfort from anything that lasted, because nothing lasts that long in Inuzuri. I have learned to live my life in the moment, and I will treasure every moment that I'm with you. And when it's over, I'll go on."

"You cannot do this so objectively," Byakuya insisted, shaking his head, "Where your body goes, your heart will follow. You will fall all of the way into love, and I have nothing to offer you! If I am cleared, then the elders will ask for my silence in the matter of our child's parentage, and if I am convicted of treason, dishonored and executed, the child will go to the clan and you will have no rights to him or her...unless..."

Renji held his breath as Byakuya went silent and still for several painful moments. Then, the spark of an idea lit his eyes.

"What?" asked the redhead, "Did you think of something?"

"Perhaps," said the noble, glancing up at him, and then looking away, "But...I need to think about this."

"Why?" Renji asked, letting his fingers brush lightly against the noble's, and smiling at the tiny flinch and the light flush that rose on his skin, "What's to think about? There is a way to keep your promise, and you can do that with someone you can trust to keep the secret about the child's parentage. Whatever happens, I won't say anything."

"Even if it means walking away from the only part of 'us' that is left?" Byakuya said, his voice shaking as he said it.

"You're not going to be executed."

"You don't know that."

"I feel it. I believe it. And even if it did happen, I know how to live in the moment. And even if I can't tell the kid I gave birth to him or her, I'm still going to see our kid grow up, and Rukia and I will make sure that the kid learns the important things, the things we know that you would want to pass on."

"You would do that for me?" Byakuya asked in an alarmingly lost sounding tone.

Renji smiled and squeezed his hand.

"I would do that for us. Because even if all we end up having is here and now, It'll be worth it. I love you...Byakuya. I'm glad you made me face that fact. I needed to just say it."

A wounded look overtook the noble's face and he caught his breath softly, forcing himself to regain his composure.

"But what if I cannot be like that? That I cannot live in the moment? What if being with you makes me fall in love with you?"

Renji gave a soft laugh and let his fingers tangle together with the noble's, and to his surprise, Byakuya simply allowed it without comment.

"Would that be such a bad thing?" he asked, smiling.

He forced himself not to object when the noble turned away from him and carefully extracted his fingers from the redhead's.

"The expectation...is that I will face the consequences of my actions gracefully, whatever they are," he said, looking out the window at the full moon, "I am ready to do that...right now. But...if we are together, and I fall in love with you..."

"What?" said Renji, putting a hand on his shoulder and turning him back around, "You're afraid to have something to fight for? To live for?"

"Doing what is expected...is sometimes difficult," Byakuya said in a choked whisper, "But it is my duty to accept whatever comes...to pay for my transgressions, even if that means dying."

"I get what you're saying," Renji said, glaring into his eyes, "But isn't it also your duty to protect your family?"

"My family is protected," Byakuya said, shaking his head, "The council has already agreed that, should I be convicted, Tetsuya would be named interim leader and his son or daughter with Aratani would be made heir."

"That's not the family that I was talking about," Renji said firmly, "I was talking about a father who you never got to know, and the one who was in love with him, but couldn't acknowledge that you were the result of their love!"

"They are dead, Renji!" the noble hissed, "And all I have left is the clan that my father meant for me to lead. I have to do right by them."

"No, your clan is taken care of, whether we do this or not, Byakuya," the redhead pointed out, "The only thing on the line here is your promise to carry on your parents' legacy. We can do that! We can do that right now. Then, you can relax a bit and feel some relief that your have honored them the way you want to. What's wrong with that? Please, just tell me!"

Byakuya went silent for several long minutes, his face ghostly pale and soft shivers going through him.

"I might dishonor everyone...my clan, my parents, you and that child," he admitted finally.

"What?"

"Renji, what I'm trying to say is...that if I lie down with you, and make this child, I do not know if I can then just accept what happens. I do not know if I could make myself silent, accept their punishment, walk proudly to my death, if that is my eventual fate. Everyone has their limits and this is mine! "

"What, so you're afraid you'll fight for your life?" Renji said, his voice hardening, "Because, I don't see where that's such a bad thing! It's not a sign of weakness to fight for the ones you love. Love is worth fighting and dying for too. And if you still die, at least you died fighting honorably, not hanging your head and looking like the criminal they're making you out to be! You didn't commit treason, and you shouldn't die for it! And if you have to, it shouldn't be the end of your and your fathers' legacy. Stop fighting yourself! You know this is the right thing to do. Just do what you do every day, when we go on the battlefield together. Trust me. Let me be there for you. Don't try to cut yourself off and do this alone. You're not alone. And even if you don't need anyone, I'm here. I'll offer myself without speaking. and you can answer without words. I've already seen what's in your eyes. You're not hiding anything, Byakuya Kuchiki!"

Renji swallowed hard and extended a hand, falling silent and holding his breath as Byakuya stood, frozen and staring at the moon. Renji knew better than to move or speak until the noble answered. So even as the silence became maddening, and his fears rang in his ears like firebells, Renji held himself still.

Byakuya's eyes shifted from the moon to the unmade bed, from the bed to Renji's outstretched hand, from the redhead's hand to the loving, red-brown eyes.

You have no idea how much I love you for this...

Slowly, so slowly that it might have taken hours, all night...a hundred years, Byakuya extended a slender, pale hand, accepted Renji's with a shivering sigh, and felt himself begin a long, dizzying fall.