A/N: This chapter kind of claimed a life of its own and came out much more emotional than I expected it to be. (That is the surprise I was hinting at in my comment at the end of the last chapter. I guess you'll understand what I mean when you read it.) Maybe it was bound to happen because despite the chemistry between Cal and Gillian, it is their emotional bond that intrigues me the most.
Again & always THANK YOU for your support, the alerts and most of all for your reviews: Artemis-Athene, deenikn8, ElaineP, halleyfarrot29, Jack4Sam, jenron12, KarenJC, LochNessMonster20, madmother2, mylla88, silviaa29, Viola, whathobertie & everyone who reviewed as "guest".
I hope you enjoy reading this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
They don't talk about what happened. At least not with words. Non-verbally, they agree to talk about it later. Whatever later means aside from not now.
In a way, nothing has changed. They are attracted to each other and aware that they can't act upon it. The only difference between before and after being that they came closer to disregarding the latter. Too close actually so that what didn't happen between them hurts like a raw wound.
Therefore, and no matter how well they compartmentalize, Cal is not able to ignore the situation completely since it was him who caused it all. He keeps looking for signs that Gillian is angry or sad, anything, but the more he keeps looking, the more she keeps up the facade, giving away nothing. Either he is losing his ability to read her because of their closeness or she compartmentalizes even better than he does. He has to know though. Three days after the incident in question, he isn't able to contain himself any longer and asks her.
"Are you okay? Are we okay?"
Is she okay? Gillian doesn't have to think twice. No, she is not. In fact, she is anything but, barely able to sleep or eat, to function at all. From an outside perspective, she didn't go wrong. She didn't initiate what happened, didn't cheat on her husband. It was Cal who almost did... something and backed off in the very last moment. So, why is she ridden by guilt? Why does it feel like cheating every night when she is lying beside her husband in bed, listening to his breathing? Alec is unaware of what happened and even more of what almost happened but didn't because of their self-restraint or whatever it was that made them stop.
It's the almost that keeps her awake at night. The vivid pictures that come to her mind whenever she allows her imagination to go there – how it would have been if they had given in to temptation. She always was aware of the fact that she is attracted to Cal, but the intensity of her feelings, of her longing for him when he touched her, blew her away and still haunts her. During the day, she more or less manages to suppress these thoughts, but at night there is nothing to distract her.
No, she is not okay, but admitting it will lead to more questions and answers she is not ready to handle. Therefore, Gillian lies and hopes that Cal lets her get away with it.
"Yes, everything's fine."
He looks at her as if he doesn't feel certain whether he can believe her or not and she is irritated because she never even considered it possible that she could lie to him of all people. Maybe what happened rattled him more than she thought. Either way, he accepts her answer and leaves it at that.
When on the following day, though, they have the same brief exchange of words and the day after another time, Gillian realizes that it won't work. They can't go on like this forever. Compartmentalizing. Denying. Delaying the necessary. Ignoring the obvious. Later is now. They have to talk.
She waits until evening. The office is empty except for them. Cal is sitting at his desk, doing some research or probably rather surfing the net.
"Can we talk?"
His facial expression is a mixture of surprise, anticipation and wariness; Cal answers her without the slightest hesitation, anyway.
"Of course, luv."
Gillian sits down opposite him, his desk a barrier she appreciates in light of the kind of talk they need to have. She imagined them having this talk countless times but when she sees the way he looks at her, all rational words or explanations what they should do and why are replaced by the urge to simply tell him what she feels. The truth. She swallows. Her pulse already races and quickens even more at this thought.
Cal watches her. The swallowing, the rapid breathing, the way her carotid pulses. He may experience difficulties to read her face, but he experiences no difficulties to read her body language. Gillian has a hard time trying to compose herself. Nevertheless, he patiently waits for her to begin with whatever she wants to talk about even if he has a pretty good idea what it is.
"I want to thank you," she doesn't look at him when she says this, is looking at her hands instead that are fiddling nervously with the hem of her dress. Otherwise, she would have seen the flash of astonishment on his face.
"Thank me for what?" Cal asks gently when she doesn't offer an explanation. He has no idea what she just thanked him for and moreover why.
Gillian sits up and looks at him.
"Thank you that you backed off," she says quietly, holding his gaze. "Because I feel anything but certain that I would have stopped you if you hadn't."
She talks about that night, about what almost happened between them. For a brief moment, there is absolute silence, her confession taking up room like a physical presence. Cal can't believe it. The realization that he maybe, probably, could have gone through with his unintended advances makes him dizzy. He mainly backed off because he assumed she wanted him to and here she is basically telling him the opposite. As if it all wasn't bad enough, he now also wonders whether he missed a chance that will never come up again.
"Can you say something, please," Gillian pleads meekly.
She can't believe what she just told him, never meant to tell him this. Then again, it can't hurt more than it already does, can it? She is closer to Cal than to any other person in the world, including her husband; she doesn't delude herself about it. Losing him is no option. Perhaps the truth is the best or rather the only way to deal with what happened and what they are to each other. They have to work together and run a company after all. Let alone that they are friends. The thought of a life without Cal turns her stomach. No, losing him definitely is no option. They have to work this out.
Cal still is stunned. Her admission leaves him speechless. They have driven themselves into a corner and he has no idea how to get them out. He wants her; she wants him. Where do they go from here? How are they supposed to deal with it? In a way, it was easier for him when he thought she had wanted him to stop, when all he had to worry about was if she is angry or disappointed with him. But this... He has no clue what to say or do and chooses a reaction they both know too well. Deflection.
"So, you wouldn't have been able to resist me?" Cal makes an effort to fake their usual banter.
The smirk on his face is charming – charming and forced. Her reaction is prompt and unfiltered – irritation bordering on contempt. Gillian offered him honesty, leaving her vulnerable and exposed. She had doubts what to expect from him in return, but she hoped for something else than this.
"Don't try to turn this into a joke," she hisses. "If you want to use what happened and what I just told you to flatter your ego and humiliate me, fine, do it, but I can't act as if nothing's wrong. I told you the truth because first and foremost we are friends, and for some reason, I believe I owe you the truth even if you apparently don't share my opinion."
"No... I'm...," Cal tries to get a word in edgewise.
Once she has started, Gillian rants on, though, and doesn't seem to be able to stop as if their not-talking during the last days almost suffocated her.
"Don't insult my intelligence by even trying to tell me that all this came as a surprise. I mean, sure, in a way, we both were surprised by what happened," she acknowledges and pauses briefly, obviously picturing the incidents of the night in question, before she continues, "or what almost happened."
Under different circumstances, the arousal that is caused by the mere memory and written all over her face despite the fact that they are arguing right now would be even more tempting than it is in this awkward situation.
"Gill...," Cal tries again, forcing himself to be sensible and not to react to what he sees.
However, Gillian is not finished even if she seems to have calmed down a bit.
"I think we are both quite aware, Cal, that we were attracted to each other right from the beginning. Something like this was bound to occur sooner or later. We only should have been prepared better."
Brutal honesty is Loker's métier usually. Cal has to give Gillian credit for not backing down though. She told him everything she wanted, put into words what they already knew but didn't dare to talk about, and withheld nothing. Her hands that she used to underline her statements, as she always does, rest in her lap, exhaustion setting in.
"We need to work this out, Cal," she says, tearing up. "We have to get along – if not for our sake then for the sake of running this company together."
Cal can handle an angry Gillian, but he never saw her cry before. A sad Gillian tugs at his heartstrings. She mistakes his silence for rejection.
"Or don't you want us to work together any longer?" she whispers, tearing up even more.
She never suspected that, but suddenly it seems possible that everything falls apart. Right here and now.
Listening to Gillian, letting her words fill him up, created an uncomfortable tension in Cal's muscles and strained his nerves. The energy trapped within his body needs an outlet.
"No... Gill... No...," Cal almost shouts, jumping up.
He didn't give the likelihood a moment's thought that his deflection could cause such a reaction. In a flash, he walks around his desk to approach her. As soon as Gillian realizes what he is doing, though, she also jumps up and uses the armchair she sat in as another barrier between them. Cal stops dead in his tracks and raises a hand.
"I'm sorry. My remark was stupid and rash. I don't want to turn what happened into a joke. I don't want to humiliate you, for God's sake. And of course, I want to keep running the company with you. Bloody hell, Gillian, what do you think? That I want to give up The Lightman Group because I believed you rejected me? Or whatever it was that happened."
She relaxes a little, but still holds on to the armchair.
"I didn't reject you, Cal," she breathes. "That's part of the problem. That I didn't do anything. I was paralyzed and afterwards... I felt so ashamed. I never cheated..." before, her voice trails off before she can add the last word. He understands, anyway.
"And you didn't cheat now," Cal says soothingly, aware how weird it is to tell her such a thing.
Yes, technically, she didn't cheat on her husband. The urge to give in and lose herself in Cal's touch several nights ago was nothing, though, compared to the emotional bond she is feeling here and now. A bond that came along with their mutual attraction and also was there out of the blue right from the beginning no matter how hard she tried to deny it. It is getting stronger every day and it is nothing she can turn off or walk away from. It is always there, and in a way, this is the real betrayal. This is why she feels as if she is cheating constantly. She loves Alec, but ever since she met Cal she regrets that she didn't meet him first. So, she can tell him to pull up the zipper of her dress as many times as she want, he will still be her last thought before she falls asleep and her first thought when she wakes up. And she wonders how much longer her love for Alec will be able to survive this.
"Alec and I want to start a family," Gillian tells Cal; the words simply slip out.
It sounds like a justification and maybe it is or maybe it is meant to be another barrier between them. Gillian is not able to blink back the tears any longer, brushing them away angrily. Cal looks at her surprised. That is news to him. She didn't tell him this before.
"That's... great," he offers lamely, conscious that she most likely hears and sees the lie despite her emotional turmoil.
Cal is convinced that Gillian would be a wonderful mother. He just doesn't want her to be the mother of Alec's child. The thought is so crystal clear that it is almost painful. Cal's relationship with Zoe is interesting, complicated, intense. Most of the time he would even say he loved her, but to be honest he wouldn't have married her if she hadn't been pregnant with Emily. Right now, he can't suppress the fantasy how his life would be if it had been Gillian. Back then. Right from the start. Gillian pregnant with Emily. Gillian he went home to every night. Love sometimes seems like a foreign concept to Cal, but with her everything is astonishingly easy. Well, save that he can't actually be with her.
I love her, Cal realizes and this love has no other labels like interesting or complicated. It only exists for its own sake.
Gillian holds her breath when the realization hits him and she sees the change in his face. She can't believe what she sees, doesn't even remotely dare to believe it because, as wonderful as it is, it complicates things even more. Her head is spinning. Is the same true for her? Does she love him, too? Yes, she does, and somehow, this is not inconsistent with her love for Alec. It's as if she and Cal are the only people in a world within the world they're living in, sharing a life no one else is granted access to.
Yet, here she is, wanting to start a family together with her husband, planning to have a child that is as beautiful and lovely as Cal's daughter.
"You have Emily," Gillian says, thinking of his little girl.
Cal looks at her as if she hit him, and in a way, she did. She confronted him with the harsh reality. If he loves her, if he wants to be with her, then he has to destroy his family and hurt his child in the process no matter how much he will try to prevent it. Being a psychologist, she knows exactly what she did. They are in a difficult situation to say the least. Maybe they are already in over their heads. Gillian's thoughts of Cal's daughter made her discern that the world she and Cal share is not ready to live up to the real world. At least not for the moment. So, she named the one thing that will cause him not to act upon his feelings. The only barrier that will be able to hold him back. The love for his daughter.
He just stands there, rooted to the spot, and stares at her.
"I meant it when I thanked you." Gillian states. "We would have regretted it the next morning."
She is perfectly calm now, positive about what is the right thing to do. This is not for the sake of their company. This is for the sake of their friendship, of two marriages and a little girl with long brown hair and dark eyes. The sweetest child she has ever met. She loves Emily as if she was her own daughter. Acting upon their feelings would destroy everything, including their love. She doesn't know what the future may bring, but right now there would be too much collateral damage. Neither of them would be okay with it.
Cal considers her words for a moment.
"And you don't have any regrets now?" he then asks her hesitatingly and lets her see everything he regrets in his face. The longing. The love.
The intensity of his feelings sends shivers down her spine and makes her blush. As much as she wants to be the reasonable one, there are some things she has to tell him. Gillian pushes the armchair out of the way and gets closer to him.
"I could tell you I regret that I didn't feel your hands all over my body that night. I could tell you that I think of you every day and more often than not at night. I could tell you how much I want to kiss you right now...," she stops when he clenches his teeth, his eyes burning with a dark desire due to her admission. Aside from that, Cal doesn't move, makes no effort to touch her.
Gillian swallows and takes a deep breath. "I could tell you all that," she continues, "but I won't because it doesn't change a thing. Neither of us is able to see into the future. Here and now, though, there are people in our lives who deserve our love and respect. They deserve that we don't walk away from them. So, to answer your question – no, as long as we are together, I regret nothing."
As long as we are together... The way she phrased it, it implies all or nothing. Working together, being friends and maybe more one day. Just not for the moment.
Cal nods slowly, reluctantly giving in to acceptance. She is right. This doesn't make it any easier, though, when she is standing only an arm's length away from him within touching distance. He wants to touch her, to hold her. She is so close that he can smell her perfume. The same scent he inhaled that night and will never be able to smell again without associating it with her.
"So, how do we do it?" he eventually asks, his voice breathy. "How do we play it safe? Because, you know, you are in constant danger when I'm around."
As serious as the situation is, he can't help but tease her. It's in his blood. Cal reaches out and traces the line of her lower jaw with his fingers. Gillian hold's her breath and tries to reprimand him with a stern look, knowing only too well that she fails. She likes to be the center of his attention and he knows it.
"We need a line," she says thoughtfully when she finally exhales, giving voice to her thoughts as the idea comes to her mind.
"A line?" Cal is stunned. "As in a do-not-enter line?"
"Yes, exactly like this," Gillian is getting increasingly excited about the idea. "A line. Rules. As long as we respect the line and obey the rules, everything will be fine."
"Having a thing for S&M, darling?" he can't help but tease her another time, making her laugh.
She puts her hands against his chest and pushes him back playfully. "Come on, Cal," she rebukes him although she is still smiling, relieved that his humor defused the situation. "This is serious."
Cal wishes she would put her hands back against his chest. The mere contact made him feel better and sent a shiver through his body. Line or not – this won't be easy since she is the temptation right under his nose day in, day out.
"Okay, a line then," he agrees nevertheless.
Maybe the line isn't such a bad idea. Restraints have the allure of a forbidden fruit and only the two of them will know what is on the other side of the line. This could be fun after all.
"Will I be allowed to check you out?" Cal asks, easily managing to keep a straight face. From his point of view, this is a serious question.
"Yes," Gillian answers, shaking her head in disbelief but smiling nevertheless. He always tests how far he can go. More than anything, the line will be a challenge for him.
"Invade your personal space?"
"If I let you."
"Address issues I can read in your face? Personal issues?"
They both fall silent. Then Cal answers his own question because he sees the answer in her face.
"No, I guess I won't be allowed to do that and neither will you," he then declares.
This is the dangerous part; this is what the line is about. Considering what happened, they have to draw the line when it comes to their private lives, their marriages, everything they may catch in between no matter whether Cal reads it in her face or Gillian hears it in his voice.
"Unless the other gives permission," she clarifies.
"Okay then," Cal confirms. "We have a line. And rules."
They are standing there, looking at each other. It feels strangely comforting that they invented the line even if it may be window dressing. Neither of them can tell if they will be able to live by their own rules. But at least it puts them in a position to deal with their almost misstep and continue working together.
Now that Gillian pushed the armchair away, they are already close together. Cal takes another step forward so that there is no more distance between them. Despite the arrangement they just made, she observes him warily. This is Cal after all. He is not exactly predictable. When he takes one of her hands almost shyly, she is surprised but relaxes.
"One more thing before we put the line in place," he says and the tenderness in his voice gives her goose bumps. "I need to tell you something just so you know in case." He looks at her expectantly, waiting for allowance.
This is not how Cal usually behaves. Whatever he wants to tell her has to convey a great deal to him.
"Okay." Gillian squeezes his hand encouraging.
"Can I hold you?" His eyes caress her face; his thumb caresses her hand. "I promise I won't pull down the zipper of your dress unintentionally."
Despite his playful words, he is dead serious and a laughter as well as an answer are stuck in her throat. All she can do is nod.
Cal puts his arms around her, holds her so carefully as if she is the most precious gift he ever got in his whole life. For a brief moment, he simply indulges in the feeling of holding her and inhaling her perfume mixed with the sweet scent of her skin.
Gillian clings to him, stroking his neck with feather-light touches. He knows she won't go beyond this, is straining the limit she has set for herself what she can do without considering it cheating already. So, he will take what he can get.
Then he starts to whisper affectionate words in her ear. Words only meant for her to hear. Words of devotion and longing and maybe love or maybe not, but she hears them, anyway. She closes her eyes and lets the words carry her away, allows herself only to feel for once.
They have come to an agreement they intend to accept and live by its rules. Cal needs Gillian to know, though, what is behind the line. A possible future for them. One day. Under different circumstances.
Until then they have the line.
The end
I'm aware that their honesty lets the story almost stray from canon, but I liked this version too much to change it and hope the same goes for you.
Thank you for reading. Every review is highly appreciated.
Take care, Cee xoxo
