Monday, May 19, 2008

We had more beautiful weather this weekend, which was good because Sandy and Kirsten finished moving everything from Berkley. They left the Berkley house completely furnished and will probably go up there for weekends at least twice a month. Now they have the best of both worlds from two eras of their lives. I bet Sandy is going to miss teaching just like he missed working at the DAs office. Let's just hope he stays put now. He had the opportunity to teach at his alma mater, though, and that was a great experience for him. Maybe he'll teach a night class at a local college down here. I'll think I'll talk with him about it.

I got a shock on Saturday afternoon. Taylor and I were on the beach, and I got a call on my cell phone from Trey. My emotions are so messed up with him. I love him because he's my brother. Even after what he did to all of us, that hasn't changed. But if it weren't for him, Marissa probably would still be alive. But then, I wouldn't be with Taylor. See…I keep playing these games with my head. It drives me nuts. It's one of the reasons I wish Trey would just stay out of my life. He called because he wanted to talk to Mom and needed her number. I didn't give it to him. I'm not going to let him mess up what Mom is building with Ross. He certainly messed up my life and the lives of people I care about when he came back. Who knows what would happen with Mom. He was pissed, but I think a part of him understood and even respected me for holding ground. I'm glad Taylor was there when I got the call, because she helped me calm down after. Then I drove her to her mom's house. They went out and then she spent the night there. Their relationship has improved a lot since the earthquake. Her mom has opened up to me, too. I think it settled in how precious a daughter can be after seeing what Julie has gone through with Marissa, plus the scare of not knowing how Taylor was after the earthquake rattled her. She still has her moments, but she wants to be part of Taylor's life, and being nice to me is part of that.

So Saturday night I was by myself…which was kind of strange, but a little liberating as well. It was kind of nice to just be by myself. Sunday I spent most of the day helping Sandy and Kirsten get the house in order. It's like we're back to where we were before the earthquake. I walked from the pool house across the patio and into the kitchen to find coffee being brewed and bagels being prepared by Sandy. One thing they wanted in the new house was the kitchen to be exactly the same. Well, Kirsten more than Sandy. Actually, Sandy wanted to double the size of the kitchen, but Kirsten refused. She said Sandy could do anything he wanted with any other part of the whole property, but the kitchen was hers and she put her foot down. I have to admit I was with Sandy on this one. The kitchen is just too cramped, and I'm not exactly a nostalgic kind of guy…although I am a little more than I was. But all in all, it's kind of neat to walk through the doors and have the familiar look of that kitchen. The rest of the house…it's crazy. I don't think I would ever have the time to describe it. The rooms are not too big and don't give you a chilly museum feeling…there are just a lot of relatively smaller rooms. I honestly don't know how many rooms are in that house. It could be 50 for all I know.

Well, it's another beautiful morning. We've been having a ridiculous string of great weather…I almost miss the rain. (I know I'll live to regret saying that.) Tomorrow I start my new job, so today we're just going to spend one more day being lazy. Sandy has a week before he starts back at his old job, so Kirsten and he are taking Sophie out for the day. Taylor and I will have the estate to ourselves, but I'm sure we'll spend most of it on the beach. I'll try to write more later today. Time to shower…

I just had a nice dinner with Sandy, Kirsten, and Taylor on the patio. The new patio is expanded, so we can either be sitting next to the kitchen like before, or on the far side of the pool overlooking the water. Tonight we sat near the water, and it was very relaxing to hear the water and watch the people and the birds. Perfect. I'm really slowing down and taking things in these days. When I was young--even soon after to Cohens took me in—I was always wondering what I could do next, and how fast I could get things done. I was wasting my life trying to get to tomorrow as fast as I could. I'm trying to think like children and dogs now…they live for the moment. They don't dwell on the past nor worry about the future…just have fun in the present. Not only is it more fun, it's a ton less stressful. Yesterday and tomorrow belong to where they are…today belongs to me.

Ok, enough of Philosophical Ryan. I'm a little nervous about my job tomorrow. I mean, I have basically lived on the streets, worked on a boat, and done ultimate fighting…why should I be nervous about being a rodman? You know, it's probably because I care about this job. I'm excited, which is making me nervous. That doesn't make sense to me, but it is what it is. I think what I'm looking forward to the most is working on a team that's building something…whether physically or on paper for others to build. It should be very cool. I'll set my alarm, but just in case Kirsten promised to knock on my door and have a big breakfast waiting for me bright and early. There will be lots of smearing going on in the morning. Taylor's worse about getting up early than I am, so I can't count on her to get me up. She great at a lot of things, but getting up early is not one of them.

There is one quirk about Taylor that drive me nuts, but I really can't do anything about. When she's upset or apprehensive or the adrenaline is flowing, she goes flying off the handle in French. I don't know she learned that language so fast—even living in Paris—to talk as fast as she does, but she would put any native to shame. Then again, I have no clue if she's being grammatically correct or just talking gibberish. At first, it was kind of funny, but now…how about English already? She swears it's not because she doesn't want me to know what she's saying…it just happens. When she was with her mom last night, they got into discussion with a difference of opinion that they resolved, but in the heat of the moment it was kind of tense. She was telling me about it, and as she started getting worked up, she switched to French with the snap of a finger. Hello! Taylor? I'm Ryan, not Jean Paul or whomever! I guess in a way it's cute, if I don't really care what's she's talking about. But when I want to know, it can get annoying, and then she gets annoyed because I have to have her repeat it in English. She said that problem would be resolved if I learned French. I said fine, only if she wanted to learn how to mud wrestle (which I pulled out of nowhere while in the moment). She looked at me strangely for a second, and then said to forget it…which was the goal. And I'm glad she didn't agree, because I don't want to mud wrestle. I really have no idea where I got that from.

I went to the cemetary last week because I haven't brought myself to go on the anniversary of Marissa's death. Yesterday it was three years. I can still hear her telling me not to go and to stay with her. I don't like to dwell on that, but I can't not think of it on May 18. I get angry and sad and every emotion you can think of. I'm glad I had my family with me...Sandy, Kirsten, Taylor...and I talked to Julie, too. We didn't talk to long, but next year we're going to try and do something to honor Marissa, rather than be sad about her death. She was only here for a short time, but she brought a lot of good into the word. We should focus on that. I'm a better man because of her. I will always be so greatful to her for that. I wish I told her that to her face just once. She made my soul warm, and it will always shine brightly--in honor and remembrance of her--for the rest of my life.