A/N- I'm sorry that I haven't mentioned, but obviously this story could be triggering so don't read if you are easily triggered. This is the edited version.


CHAPTER THREE.

I stare into the cauldron, as I stir round and round. I think I've done it too many times now, I don't know, I've lost count.

Draco won't talk to me- he's too busy leering at Daphne alongside Blaise. It's starting to feel rhythmic, peaceful, I can actually think for once.

My thoughts surround my hunger. I'm hungry. I didn't eat anything yesterday; my first zero calorie day since I started all this, so I can eat today, right?

I look over at Daphne as she bites her lip flirtatiously in the direction of Draco and Blaise. How is she so confident? I have no confidence left, I am just disgusting. It hurts to think about it. I want to eat- I know it's okay to eat and that I'm actually not fat; but at the same time I shouldn't eat anything. I won't loose weight. My thighs will touch. I won't have visible hip bones. I have to remember what I want; I can't loose sight of it.

I turn my attention back to my bubbling cauldron and suddenly hot breath is on my neck and Snape booms in my ear "Disgusting! This is ridiculously over concentrated. Leave. Class dismissed." Disgusting. He thinks it too. I am.

I know he means my potion, but at the same time I swear he means me. Millicent grabs my shoulder as I turn the corridor corner, "Pans we have no lessons all afternoon! Lets go for a walk outside, the weather is beautiful." Although, I wouldn't call snow beautiful, but Millicent makes me feel normal.

When I'm with Daphne she's watching, analyzing, criticizing. I am my problem when I'm with her. I can pretend with Milly. She doesn't know a thing.

She's happy.

The thought screams in my head until I think I might collapse- but that might just be the lack of food. She's happy. She eats. How can you eat and be happy? How can you eat without feeling guilt filling you up?

My thoughts are so disjointed. I swear I can feel myself slowly loosing my mind. Suddenly Millie's glass-shattering laughter fills my ears and I jump back out of my thoughts. I smile, a hideously fake smile that makes my lips crack and my skin tighten, and loop my arm through hers.

I cast a warming charm on the snow and then throw myself onto it, and then shortly after Milly does the same. She starts to tell me a ridiculous story about Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy having a thing- she insults the Granger girl over and over.

"That skanky mudblood slut!" She cackles, using the vile word over and over again.

It makes my stomach churn. Daphne told me about Granger – supposedly she's fallen into the trap too. Although Weasley and Potter are constantly coddling her so she's constantly in the prefect's bathroom, pen down throat. Never seen it for myself but it makes sense; we three seem to have begun some sort of club.

It started for Daphne because of muggle studies, learning about these things called eating disorders. We both knew there was no weight loss potion, spell, charm, we have to do that the muggle way.

Daphne thinks it started for Granger that way too- she probably got curious and read one too many books, and saw one too many photos.

Me? Manipulation. Daphne is scared of going through this alone, so she slipped in a few hurtful words here, a few bad photos there, a couple of rumors, a mind game- if you must.

It's so easy to get away with all of this because no one really knows that these eating disorders exist. It's so easy to let girls waste away, it's not like it hasn't happened before. It's easy to trigger- compared to the muggles; the wizarding world is so used to depending on magic to solve their problems that the relatively simple matter of weight loss is too much for our minds.

Millicent decides it's about time we have lunch. I feel normal right now. Normal. Feels weird to think it though. So do I feel normal? I feel like I should eat. I didn't eat yesterday; a piece of bread won't do a difference right? One hundred calories. Stick to less than five hundred, it will be fine.

Starving is easier than restriction. I'm scared. When I eat one thing I can't stop. I feel like I've restricted myself too long. I'm deprived. I need to try everything one more time. I can start again tomorrow. I'm so weak. I actually have to fight with myself. I am shutting down. I can feel it. The panic is setting in. One foot in front of the other Pans, smile. One foot in front of the other, smile. You can do this. One piece of bread.

I sit down opposite Milly, scanning the food, scanning for anything low calorie. I smile at her once more before buttering my bread, and keeping my head down as I eat. I hate people watching me eat. I want to run away. To hide. To eat alone, in peace.

My mind needs peace so I can assure myself this is okay. Half my mind screams no, but the other tells me its okay to eat this. I finish, feeling better with myself. I reach for a biscuit and then the voices come rushing back into my head. I push them back, tell myself all the encouraging things I always do, and eat the cookie. I eat crisps, then a croissant. That has to be 600 calories alone. It's okay, I tell myself.

But it's not okay. I see Daphne in the door way, looking at me with patronizing, but sympathetic eyes. I look over to Granger, who, when I think about it, was always thinner than me, but doesn't look that different. Early days. She should get out while she still can.

Daphne's foot tapping expectantly reminds me why I do this. To be better than her. To beat her at something. To get the looks from the guys like she does. I don't want to be her, I don't. I want to be better than her. Just for once. The full up feeling in my stomach makes me want to throw up- but I wouldn't, I can't. Its one thing I will never do again. Starve or get fat. No fingers down throat, that will not happen anymore Pansy, that will not happen…


A/N- Hope you all like, review please!