Chapter 3
Gently, Leia reached out, her fingertips running over her husband's face and still asleep, he turned his cheek to her. His instinctual trust of her, even in his sleep warmed her heart, and she subtlety slipped back into his subconscious mind to see where it would lead her.
88888888888888888888888888888
Ben was busy playing with his toys, small imitations of various spacecraft used in fighting against the empire as well as a few of the tie fighters used by the Empire.
Han watched him with undisguised love shining from his eyes as the boy made sounds of an air fight, or at least how he imagined one would sound. Then Ben picked up the one of a kind model of the Millennium Falcon, the one Han had spent countless hours constructing and the one that really should not be used as a toy. He had explained that to Ben, but when he saw how much enjoyment his son was getting from playing with it, and especially how he had cast the Falcon as the role of savior, Han just couldn't ask him to put it back.
In Ben's hands, the Falcon swooped in and saved the day but crashed to the floor, more realistically than the small boy had meant, and broke into pieces. Han saw the look of alarm on his son's face as he remembered the words of his father.
"Dad! I'm sorry!" His eyes were wide as he scrambled to his feet, knowing what he had done was wrong.
"It's okay, Ben." Han got up from the floor where he had been sitting and gave his son a tolerant smile. "It's not the first time the Falcon's been broken and probably won't be the last," he sighed at the pieces on the floor.
Ben gave him an uncertain look and frowned back at the model. "I could try to put it back together," he said and the broken pieces gathered together in a pile on the floor as he concentrated. "But you're going to have to show me how."
"It's okay, Ben." He ruffled the boy's hair, not showing his concern at Ben's easy summoning of the force within him. "I'll fix it later. But I do have a question for you."
"Yeah?"
"Why did you have the Falcon enter the fight?"
"Dad! You don't know?"
"No, tell me."
"It's because you and the Falcon are heroes. You always come back and save the day."
Han considered his son's believing eyes and had to clear his throat. "Ben, that's not true. I'm not any sort of a hero, I'm just your Dad."
"Nope, you're a hero and Mom is too. But I like what you do better." He put his hands on his hips and looked at Han. "And when I grow up I want to be strong like you, be a pilot like you."
"Ben, there's better things for you to do."
"Nope, it's what I want." His son's mind was made up and one thing Han was learning was that their child had inherited both Han and Leia's stubbornness.
"Well, we'll take about it later. I think Mom has some other ideas for you, and besides you have plenty of time to choose your career."
"Like you," he chirped and took Han's bigger hand.
Han's heart melted every time he stared into those small eyes that belonged to Leia and himself. "We'll talk about it later. "Let's go find Mom."
888888888888888888888888888888888
The classroom was a mess, Han realized as he walked through the door. A man, about Han's age with greyer hair stood passively in front of the desk where Ben sat, arms crossed in front of him, staring at a wall.
The man, Mr. Lomath was Ben's classroom instructor. Han had been called to go and talk to the instructor about Ben's errant behavior in class that day, and it wasn't the first time he had received such a call.
"General Solo," the other man inclined his head.
"Mr. Lomath. You wanted to speak with me?"
"Yes, I'm sorry to disturb you and pull you away from your important activities." He looked behind Han as if expecting someone else. "Senator Organa Solo won't be attending?"
"No, she's off planet."
"Very well then."
"What's the problem?"
"The problem is that Ben is still having issues being a team player. He tends to bully other children if they don't agree with him."
Ben said nothing but his gaze shifted from his teacher to his father, and Han felt the boy touch his mind. He felt anger and resentment from his son, and embarrassment at the fact Han had been called in. Han did his best to communicate calming thoughts, soothing feelings toward Ben. After a long moment, the boy nodded.
"What happened?" Han asked in his best neutral voice.
"Care to explain?" Mr. Lomath asked of Ben.
Ben shook his head.
"Then I will." The teacher turned back to Han. "It was an exercise to give students better social skills. I had them form three groups of four, encouraging interaction with students they weren't familiar with. Ben didn't want to socialize with new children."
"Did he hurt anyone?"
Ben raised his eyes and regarded his father in shock.
"No, but he had a temper tantrum. The result of which, well, you see around you," Mr. Lomath finished with a shrug.
Han surveyed the room again, chairs and desks overturned, plants knocked over, dirt on the floor, windows cracked. He sighed.
"Mr. Lomath, may I have a word with my son in private?"
"Of course. But I should tell you, General Solo, if this continues we will not be able to keep him in school. There is no place for a bully here and we will not have him scaring the other students. We are doing our best to accommodate him and his special abilities but you may want to consider placing him in a special school."
Han mentally counted to ten. He hated references to his son's shortcomings although he accepted them himself without hesitation. "I understand."
"Good. I will consider this meeting closed. If you need anything from me, anything at all please let me know." He offered Han an encouraging smile. "It is hard for gifted children, especially one with as much potential talent as Ben." He gave Han an encouraging squeeze on the shoulder and left the classroom.
"Ben. What do you have to say for yourself?"
The boy shook his head.
"We need to talk about this."
"Why? All you'll do is tell me to stop it."
"Yes, I will. And you know why, don't you?" Han glared at his son.
"Because it's wrong," Ben mumbled.
"Yeah, but I need you to tell me why it's wrong. I need to understand how you're thinking."
"Does it matter?" Ben shrugged. "All you'll do is scold me anyway."
"Come on, Ben. Help me out. I'm trying here." Han sat on a desk next to Ben and studied the troubled boy.
"Mr. Lomath wanted me to work with Spencer and I didn't want to."
"Why not?"
"Cause Spencer hates me, he thinks I'm a freak! So, does Jaima." The boy grimaced.
"Have they told you that?"
"No, but they don't have to, I just know."
"Yeah, about that. Ben, you can't use the force to randomly tap into people's minds or to try to talk to them like you do with Mom and me."
"I don't mean too but sometimes they think so loudly I can't help but overhear."
"And when your teacher insisted you stay in the group?"
"I got mad." Ben's response was sullen. "I didn't mean to make this happen," he gestured around the room, "it just did."
"Ben, you have to keep better control on this, you know that. Just like you know you're going to have to work with people you may not like, or people that may not like you. It's part of life."
"I don't like it," he said and Han felt a small rumble in the room.
"You don't have to like it but you have to do it."
"What if I don't want to?" Ben asked, and uncrossed his arms and stood up. "I'm strong enough that I should be able to do whatever I want."
"What you have, young man, isn't strength, not yet. True strength comes from the conviction of one's beliefs, the ability to stand by your principles, having integrity. Not just power." Han crossed his arms in front of him and assumed a parental stance.
The rumbling was a bit stronger, but Han remained calm, fixing Ben with an intimidating stare.
"But I can be strong, Dad. I have the power, so much power, I feel it running through me."
"But you have to learn to use it wisely."
"How?" The boy frowned.
"I don't know yet. Maybe send you to your Uncle Luke."
"Him? I don't want to go with him. I want to be with you and Mom. I never see enough of you anyway."
Han flinched guiltily at the truth. "Yeah, about that."
"What?" Ben glared at his father.
"I'll be leaving again tomorrow."
"Dad! You just got back."
"I know, but it's an epidemic out there and if they don't get supplies thousands of people will die. Apparently, the Falcon is one of the few ships in port that's fast enough to get it there once enough vaccine is produced which will be sometime tomorrow." He sighed. "I don't want to go, bud, but I can't let those people die."
"Dad!" Ben's face turned hopeful for a moment. "Can I go with? Then I'd get to spend time with you?"
"No, I can't expose you to the illness. Your Mom would have my hide."
"Do we need to tell her? She's never here anyway," Ben pouted.
"She should be back soon," Han offered knowing how lame it sounded.
"When?" Ben was completely deflated by his lack of parenting, and Han couldn't blame him.
"Later this week?"
"You don't even know, do you?" Ben couldn't control his anger and for just a few moments everything in the room rattled and another window broke before he looked at Han.
"Ben, you need to calm down."
The two glared at each other until with a long sigh of exasperation, Ben looked away from Han and backed down, his gaze falling to the floor.
"Come on, Ben, let's go home. We can take the Falcon out for a test run tonight? Would you like that?"
"Yeah, I guess," Ben agreed, still visibly deflated.
Han tried to close off his thoughts from his son. He and Leia needed to talk soon about their schedules and rearranging them so that Ben had more of their time before things got too far out of hand.
888888888888888888888888888888888
It had been too long, far too long since he had Leia in his arms, since he had felt himself within her. Her nails raked down his back but he didn't care. She climaxed beneath him calling his name, and after a few more powerful thrusts emptied himself inside of her, moaning her name in reverence.
Panting and sweaty, they smiled at each other as they regained their breaths.
"That was…"
"…sensational," Leia finished and meeting his lips for a sweet kiss, pushed him off her as he withdrew. They lie side by side for a few moments as they regained their breath, hands still intertwined.
"We don't do this nearly often enough."
"I agree."
"Leia, we always say it, but we need to find more time together."
"I know, Han. Really, I do."
"But…"
"But there's so much to do. "
"Leia, there's always so much to do, that isn't going to change, and it's been years. We need time together, and more importantly we need time for Ben." He paused. "He's been having issues."
She sighed. "I know."
"And?"
"You're not going to like it."
"What?" He studied her intently.
"I think we should send him to Luke."
"Leia, he's not ready."
"Han, when will he be ready? He grows more powerful with the force every day and he has to learn to control it. We don't want him exposed to bad influences with all the power he already has. You can't disagree with that."
Han rolled up and away from her to sit on his side of the bed his back towards her. "I don't, but I don't think it's the right thing to do, not yet."
"Han, we can't wait. What can he need more than training?"
"We can take more time and see how the new meds work, he's been making progress at the mental health center. I don't want to take him away from Dr. Tower."
"But he doesn't always take his meds, or listen to instruction." She paused, trying to frame her words in a way to make Han understand. "He has trouble shutting people out, Luke can help him with that."
He stood up, pulled up his boxers, and walked around to her side of the bed and knelt before her. "Us, Leia. He needs us. He needs you." He sighed. "And he's not the only one."
"What does that mean?" She snapped at him, as she pulled on her robe.
"It means I need you too."
"For this?" She gestured to their bed.
"You know better. You know how I feel about you."
"I used to. I'm not sure I do anymore."
"Why not? Nothing's changed."
"Everything's changed. We never have any time together."
"Step back, Senator. I'm willing if you are."
They glared at each other for a few minutes.
"Han, what we are building is important…" she pleaded for understanding.
"More important than Ben and me?"
She stared at him in disbelief.
"Because that's sure what it feels like. Haven't you noticed how his behavior is getting worse? It's because we're never around for him!"
"Why are you making this difficult?"
"No, Leia, you are! We should be your priority, we're your family."
She regarded her husband with a cool gaze before she spoke. "He needs training in the force more than he needs to be with us."
"It's not true! He needs us."
Both we're surprised to see Ben standing in the doorway looking at them in disgust.
"You're arguing about me."
"No, Ben. We're not," Leia tried to soothe her teenage son.
"You are, Mom. I'm not deaf." He folded his arms in front of him. "Why don't you ask me what I want to do?"
"You're absolutely right, we should take it into consideration," Han said and Leia gave him a dirty look. "Do you want to go and train with Uncle Luke?"
"No. At least not to be a Jedi. I'd like to learn my powers better and find out what I can do with them, but I don't want to be a Jedi."
"But you'd be a great Jedi," Leia said.
Ben shook his head. "I don't want to be one. You aren't one so why should I be one?"
"Kid has a point," Han growled.
"Thanks, Dad."
"So, you'd rather stay home with us?" Han asked.
"Well, no, but if those are my two choices until I'm of legal age, then yeah. I'd rather be here even if you're never around. It's like living on my own anyway."
Han gave Leia a significant look but she turned away.
"All right, we'll leave everything as it is for now," Leia said. "But we'll discuss this later."
Her boys mumbled reluctant agreement and she nodded, and with a last small look of irritation for Han, she turned and left them alone. They heard the bedroom door shut and the lock put in place.
Han stared at the floor and shook his head.
"Couch tonight, huh Dad?"
"Guess so."
"Thanks for supporting me."
"You're welcome. But don't get me wrong, Ben. We're both trying to do what is best for you it's just we have different ideas. You're Mom loves you, don't you ever doubt that. I love you too," he finished gruffly.
Ben nodded.
"You really don't want to be a Jedi?"
"No. I don't know what I want to be."
"And how are you…feelin'?"
"Better. Well, at least most of the time."
"Do you feel like you're makin' progress?"
"Yeah, Dad. I do. I'm still not right but…I'm feelin' more stable."
"Good, Ben, that's really good." He studied him quietly for a moment. "No more voices in your head?"
Ben grimaced. "Sometimes. But not as much as before."
"You don't feel like…Kylo?"
Ben squirmed under his father's intent gaze. "No, I haven't for a while."
"Maybe you're finally on the proper dosage of everything you need."
Ben blew out a breath of relief. "I would like that."
Han nodded and with a grimace turned towards the couch.
"I could unlock the door?" Ben offered.
"No, it would only make things worse. Wanna sit and watch some sports with me?"
"Yeah, okay, why not?" Ben shrugged and disappeared into the kitchen. "I'll get some snacks."
"Sounds good," Han grabbed the remote and turned on the holovid, looking for sports shows. It wasn't quite the evening he had planned, but it would do.
888888888888888888888888888888888
The latest run had been necessary, an important New Republic diplomat was being held hostage and they needed an experienced intelligence team to resolve the situation, and had put in the call to Han. Though it took some time, they had resolved the issue, extracting the diplomat, and gunning down the criminal. Han's strategic input and knowledge of the planet had resulted in a successful mission for all, but despite his exhaustion, he turned his ship around after refueling and returned home as soon as possible.
All he wanted to do was get back to Ben and Leia. He had been working hard to keep a good relationship with his son and convince him to stay with the program that had been helping him to maintains some stability, the program that had been helping to keep Kylo at bay. A couple of recent incidents had tended towards violent until Ben had his alter ego under control, but as soon as Ben was back everything calmed down. And in Han's eyes it was getting better, Ben was subduing Kylo more quickly whenever he made and appearance. Leia was right that Ben needed to know more about the force, that he needed to learn how to control it, but not before he was more stable. They still believed both things were needed for Ben, it was just the sequence of things they felt differently about.
The Falcon made good time and he was back before he expected, in ten days instead of two weeks and he was looking forward to returning to his family. They had a day planned together to discuss family business which included the possibility of Jedi training with Luke, and finding the best course of treatment for Ben. His brooding teenaged son needed to have input into his future too and Han hoped a family discussion would clear the air as there had been numerous fights and disagreements between all of them of late.
He was happy to finally have some time with them and he practically ran all the way back to their apartment, and eagerly keyed the door entry. Smiling, he called out to his family, but no one answered. He tried again, but the place was silent. After searching throughout the house, it was obvious neither Leia or Ben was around. He stopped by the comm on the way out and found a recorded message from Leia.
"Han, I'm sorry. Ben has had several incidents since you left. The last one he hurt someone. The boy was admitted to the hospital but is doing fine. I have settled things with their parents. We can't risk this anymore, he's too strong. I've made arrangement to take him to Luke and he's expecting us." Leia gave the camera a long searching, wistful look and started to speak but stopped herself before continuing. "I know you'll be angry but I think this is our only choice. He has to be with Luke." She sighed. "I'll see you when I get back. We can have it out then." She reached forward to turn off the Comm recording but stopped. "Han, this really is for the best. We both know it. And I do love you. Please remember that."
Han stared at the now silent screen, fury filling his mind and heart. Leia, this isn't what Ben needs, why can't you understand? He opened the Comm link to reach out to his family but his calls went unanswered.
He wanted to climb on board the Falcon and fly after them but he had no idea when Leia left. He might pass her as he was returning home. But when had that stopped him before? With a grim set to his mouth, he remained home long enough to inhale a sandwich and left for the Falcon, comming Chewie to meet him back at the hanger.
888888888888888888888888888888888888888
The flight to Yavin IV was longer than Han expected, but that was probably due to his anxiety to be there as soon as possible. They had made good time, even Chewie said so. He had remained curious but not intrusive when Han muttered it was family business and Leia had brought Ben to Luke. His co-pilot knew that would happen at some point in Ben's life, but the distress Han displayed alerted him to the fact that something unplanned had happened. He insisted Han at least get some rest for the quiet part of their trip, and Han grudgingly agreed because he had been awake for the better part of two days.
Their arrival was uneventful and Han left Chewbacca to complete the protocol shut down for the Falcon. He was down the ramp as soon as it was safe to open it. Luke was aware he was on his way but it still surprised him to see his brother-in-law waiting for him at the airfield. He scowled when he realized Leia was not in attendance.
He studied his friend in silence. He was no longer the kid he remembered, although Han sometimes still thought of him that way. But not today. Today he saw a man sure of himself and his mission in life, a man willing to stand up to him no matter what he might say. A short tight cropped beard framed Luke's face and made him looked older, more distinguished somehow.
"What's that?" Han said indicating the beard. "Is that a Jedi thing?"
"Nah, I just got tired of shaving," Luke said with a smile.
"Where's Leia? And Ben?"
"They're here, Han. I'm not keeping them prisoner," Luke said mildly.
"You don't know what just happened."
"Actually, I have a pretty good idea."
"And you're protecting them?"
"No, I know this is a family decision but I couldn't turn them away, could I?"
"You could…"
Luke gave him a look and Han rolled his eyes.
"Fine. Where are they?"
"Han," Luke placed a hand on his friend's arm. "Don't be too hard on Leia. I don't approve of how she handled this but she is really anxious about what's happening with Ben."
"And Ben?"
Luke chaffed at the question. "He seems unhappy to be here."
"See.
"It doesn't make you right, Han. Don't you see, there is no right or wrong in this."
"Huh. Seems like you've gotten smarter," Han said in a hard voice which Luke didn't understand.
"Smarter than what?"
"Smarter than when you interfered with Breha and tried to keep her from us." Han's expression was a mix of bitterness, sadness, and resignation for his lost daughter. "Turned out to be a moot point because she had already died," Han's voice was suddenly hoarse with emotion and he turned away from Luke.
Luke remained quiet.
"Come on, let's go. I need to see them."
"Han, please take a few deep breaths. Being angry won't solve anything."
"But I have a right to be angry."
Luke sighed and nodded. "You do, but please understand that Leia is freaked out by this."
"Freaked out?" Han knew Luke wouldn't use those words lightly to describe his sister.
"Yeah. This is the only way she knows to deal with this. Force training is the only thing that gives her hope that everything will work out with Ben."
"But it's not true. He has alternatives."
"I know, but she's having trouble with that concept."
"Because of Vadar." Han swallowed and momentarily wondered if there was something to her theory of genetics.
Luke nodded. "Please listen to her before you blow up."
"They're my family. Not yours."
"Of course."
"I'll try. I can't promise anymore."
"Thank you." Luke gave his friend a smile. "Come on, I'll take you to them."
888888888888888888888888888
Leia was in a conference room waiting patiently in a chair with her hands folded in front of her on the table. To someone who didn't know her she looked the perfect example of a calm, collected person, but Han saw the tense lines at the end of her mouth, the small wrinkle in her forehead and the clenched jaw, all tells that she was anything but calm. So be it. If they needed to have this out they would.
Luke exchanged a significant look with Leia and quietly closed the door behind Han. The seconds ticked by as they regarded one another with impassive faces although each knew the mood of the other.
"Han," Leia said coolly, finally breaking the silence.
He chose to nod at her still watching her.
"I asked you not to come here, you knew I would be back shortly."
"After you settled Ben here without including me in the discussion."
"You have been included in the discussion for years but you refuse to see the light."
"What light? Ben needs two things and this is one of them."
"Oh, are you finally admitting he needs force training?"
"I never disputed it, only when to do it."
"Now seemed like an appropriate time." She blew out a breath in frustration and looked into her husband's eyes. "Han, he hurt that boy."
"What happened? And how bad?" Han's jaw was clenched but he was trying to not make the situation worse, at least not until he had all the facts.
"From what Ben says it was an altercation of some sort and started because one of his peers began to taunt him for having the force."
"It's happened before and he's handled it."
"Yes, but he didn't this time." Leia bit her lip and gathered herself together. "He hasn't said much. Only that he slipped and Kylo took over."
"How long?"
"What?" Leia blinked derailed at what he was asking.
"How long was he Kylo?"
"I'm not certain." She shrugged. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"It matters a lot. If it was a short amount of time then he's still making progress. Anything 10 minutes or less is great."
Leia's mouth dropped open for just a minute as she regarded Han in utter disbelief. "Any time he is Kylo is a bad thing."
"I agree. But it's still progress, Leia. No matter what happened as long as Ben regained control he's doing better."
"No, Han. It doesn't work like that. We can't sanction any behavior he does as Kylo, or for him not having better control."
"Damnit, Leia! I'm not sanctioning this. I don't want him to hurt anyone either. But he has to be rewarded for the progress he makes."
Leia's expression softened just a shade and she sighed. "But Han, it's not enough. He hurt Tymono with the force."
"Him!" Han snorted. "I've felt like punching him myself. Leia, he's an ass! He's constantly tormenting people. I don't blame Ben if he defended himself."
"But what if he just attacked him?"
"What did he say?"
"He didn't." Leia's lips twisted in displeasure.
"How bad was he hurt?"
"From my visit to the hospital he seemed mostly bruised, but..." she dropped her gaze and shook her head.
"But?"
"There was some bruising to his throat…as if he had been choked." Leia looked back at Han, her expression grim.
"Vadar," Han breathed, but shook his head. "No. I refuse to believe genetics can beat environment."
"Han, he needs training. Now."
"He's been getting better, I think he needs the stability more."
"We're at an impasse."
They regarded each other in silence again.
"Ben should have a say in this."
"He has."
"I need to hear what he has to say."
"Of course, you do. Is it all right if Luke's here with us?" the sarcasm in her voice couldn't be missed.
"I S'pose," he agreed, and looked around the conference room. "Nice setting, your Worship. All nice and businesslike, nothing like a family discussion should be."
Leia frowned. "I'm sorry you don't approve."
"Wouldn't be the first time," Han said with a shrug. "So, are you gonna call them or what?" He tapped his head.
"You want to do this now?"
"Why the hell not? Might as well do it while we're all here before you run off again."
"Han," she tried a placating tone but to no avail.
"There isn't a good reason we shouldn't be home discussing this. We had planned it and I even made it home early."
"You did, didn't you?" Leia sounded surprised and regarded him with amazement. "How fast did you turn around? Did you get any sleep?"
"I rested a couple of hours on the way here. I hurried back so that we could figure this out…as a family. Imagine my surprise when my family wasn't home and all I got was a holovid telling me you had made this decision on your own!"
"Han, be quiet!"
"No! He's my son too! I need to have a say in this."
"You don't understand the force!" she hissed.
"You don't understand family dynamics!"
They glared at each other, hiding their hurt, turning only when they heard the door opening. Luke came in with Ben beside him. Luke was quietly respectful, but Ben seemed to be at his brooding best.
"Are we interrupting?" Luke asked.
"They're fighting, big time," Ben said and threw himself down in a chair.
"Do you want some time?" Luke queried.
Both Han and Leia shook their heads and as they broke their gaze, trying to cool themselves off.
"Might as well start," Han said gruffly.
"What do you want to know?" Luke opened his hands in a peaceful gesture inviting them to sit down. Leia did but Han remained standing.
"Ben, I wanna know what happened."
"She knows," he jerked his head in Leia's direction.
"She doesn't know because you haven't said much. Tell me what happened."
Ben glared first and Han and at Leia and turned his gaze to study the tabletop in front of him. "I was in science class, biology. We were dissecting some small animals. Pretty standard stuff." He shrugged. "Tymono and his partner started goofing off, harassing the other kids. When I said something, he started on me. He said it must feel pretty natural to me to take something apart layer by layer, just like my grandfather, Darth Vadar." He glanced at his parents. "Only a few people in school know this or have paid attention to it, but suddenly everyone in class knew it and it made me mad."
"What happened?" Leia asked.
"I tried to ignore him, but he didn't want to be ignored." Ben grimaced. "He got in my space and started messing up my research. When I asked him to leave, he pushed me."
"That miserable, little…" Han was muttering not so quietly under his breath.
"I was getting angrier and I stepped away, wanting to leave the room to you know, control things…" He sighed. "But Tymono turned me around and decked me."
"Are you hurt? Let me see." Han turned Ben to face him and he saw the bruise on his son's face.
"Dad, it's okay. Leave it." He flinched away from Han.
"What happened?" Leia prompted.
"I don't remember exactly. I kind of…blacked out for a couple of minutes and when I was myself I realized I was…choking him." Ben sounded confused, like he didn't know if he should be happy about it or not. "And I let him go."
Silence filled the room as they all contemplated Ben's words.
"I was Kylo, wasn't I?"
"It would seem so," Leia said, her voice grim.
"Maybe I need to be here instead?" His voice was filled with confusion.
"No. You need to be with Dr. Tower. He's been helping you."
"Han, he hurt someone," Luke said.
"But his changes used to last longer, he's doin' great now."
"Not great enough. If Ben doesn't learn to control the force he could hurt others."
"But first he's got to learn to live with himself. Learn to control Kylo and the force ain't gonna teach him that."
"Ben? What do you think?" Luke asked.
Ben had his head buried in his hands. "I've tried, I've been trying but I don't know what else to do. I don't want to hurt anyone," he whispered and turned to Luke. "Uncle Luke, will this stop me from hurting people?"
"I think part of the problem you're having is because the force is so strong in you, it tips the scales of your…illness. If you could learn to control it…."
"But I don't want to control it. I want to use it, I need to use it…"
"And that's part of control," Luke said patiently. "I think training will help you."
"As do I," Leia agreed.
"And I think it will in the future. But first you have to finish with Dr. Tower."
Leia laid her hand on her husband's arm. "Han, no. It's been decided."
"Has it?" He gave them all a look of disbelief. "Ben?"
"I don't know, Dad. Maybe it's for the best. I'm so conflicted."
"Un-fuckin'- believable!" Han glared at Luke and Leia and stormed out of the room.
Shaking her head, Leia made a move to get up but was stopped by Ben.
"Let me go, Mom. I'll find him."
Leia sat down as Ben left, once again working on her control and her anger at the stubbornness of the Corellian she had married.
888888888888888888888888888888
Oddly, Han didn't go back to the Falcon, instead Ben found him by a small pond near the ruins of one of the ancient temples. He was skipping rocks across the large pond, his face closed, but his mind chaotic. Ben approached his father, sitting on a nearby rock while he watched him.
"That accomplishes nothing, you know?"
Han grunted in response.
Ben sighed. "I have to do this, Dad."
"You're doin' what they want."
"Maybe, but I don't know what else to do."
"You do know what to do, and it's workin'." Han's steely gaze met that of his son.
"Not fast enough. I still have problems."
"And you think this is goin' to fix them? I got news for ya, kid, it ain't."
"You're not a force user and have no idea about the force. How would you know?" Ben couldn't keep the mocking tone out of his voice.
"Oh, like that is it? Now I'm your poor dumb father because I can't use the force?"
Ben clenched his jaw and his eyes smoldered with anger. "I didn't say that."
"You don't have to. I don't know what's wrong with all of you. If someone has the force in them they need to be trained I understand, but you have special…circumstances."
"Dad, don't sugarcoat it, I'm mentally ill and have been for most of my life."
"But you're getting' better, don't you see?"
"Maybe, but again, not fast enough. I don't want to hurt anyone."
"And you think this is the way out? It's not Ben. Not yet."
"You just don't want me to train. You don't want me powerful in the force."
Han's bark of laughter was short. "You know who ya sound like?"
"No, Dad. Why don't you tell me?"
"Ya sound like him, like Vadar."
"And is that really so bad?"
Han stared at his son in disbelief. "Are you kiddin' me? He was a monster."
"Not always. He was a man before he was a monster."
"Don't you dare tell me you wanna be like him!"
"Maybe I do. He was a powerful Jedi and even more powerful Sith!" Ben's voice had risen as had his anger and he now stood in front of his father. "He was trying to bring peace to the galaxy."
"By murdering people, by genocide, by taking away freedom…"
"But his goal was right."
"But not the way he did it. Ask your mother about some of her scars."
Ben was quiet for a moment with those words.
"Ya don't have to do this, Ben."
"I have to, it's my destiny. Just as breaking your word is your destiny."
"Breakin' my word…." Han sputtered in anger. "What are ya talkin' about?"
"You promised me a very long time ago I wouldn't have to be a Jedi if I didn't want to be, but here we are."
"You're choosin' to go along with them. I can't choose for you."
"You weren't strong enough to go against them, which means you can't keep your promise to me." Ben's anger was gone, instead there was a sad wistfulness to his face. "Just like you couldn't keep your promise to Breha."
Han sucked in a sudden breath as if he had been hit and his face went ashen. "It wasn't my fault," he said in a tight voice.
"You promised her you would find her and you haven't. And you promised her you wouldn't let anything happen to her and she…died."
"Ben, why are you sayin' these things? When did you get so cruel?"
"Cruel? Really, Dad?"
For just a moment Han thought he saw an older man in Ben's place, one with black hair and a cruel mouth instead of his young son.
"But is she really dead?"
"Don't say somethin' that isn't true, not with this."
Ben cocked his head at his father. "You have a strange way of connecting with force users, none of us quite understand it. And I know you were connected to Breha. Has that spark you knew as her extinguished itself? Even now, dormant after all of this time do you believe she is dead?"
Han closed his eyes, gathering his control and shook his head. "No," he whispered. "I still believe she's alive and out there…somewhere."
"And yet you haven't looked for her. You broke your promise."
Han's expression was filled with grief.
"So, I'm staying. I can't stop them from forcing this on me and neither can you. A Jedi is what I'm destined to be."
"I'm sorry," Han offered.
Ben shrugged. "Doesn't matter. Life is what you make of it, right? One day when I'm free of this, I'll make it mine." And with that uttered declaration, Ben turned his attentions towards being a Jedi and for all intents and purposes closed himself off from the life he had with his parents.
888888888888888888888888888888
Years later, after Ben had grown to be a young adult and had been training with Luke, they received a call they could have never been prepared to hear, a call no parent could ever imagine.
The Comm Link closed and Luke faded away leaving Han and Leia to deal with the overwhelming shock, guilt, and horror created by their son, Ben. They were unable to process he had turned to the dark side, that he was responsible for the death of all those jedi's in training, children that just like him.
Han reached for her hand and she gripped it tight, and then fell into his arms. They sought comfort from one another as they cried for the victims of the tragedy, and for the son they had somehow lost to the dark.
88888888888888888888888888888
"Leia, talk to me," Han pleaded.
"We have nothing to talk about."
"Burying things won't help either of us."
Leia stopped just before she reached the door and turned to face him, her face a cold mask. "I can't deal with this by talking."
"Leia, come on, it's me. Tell me what you're feeling," Han pleaded.
She controlled her fury at her helplessness and spoke in a monotone after a few moments. "You didn't feel it, Han. I knew before Luke called, I felt the darkness, the shock and despair of all those lives ending. I feel Luke's terrible guilt, his pain, and worse than that, I feel the darkness, I feel how Kylo has taken over our Ben." Her voice was shaking now.
"Leia, we need to get through this together."
She held up a hand to her husband. "No, Han. I need to get through this by myself, I need to keep myself together."
"That's it then? You're shutting me out?" His voice was filled with hurt. "He's my son too."
"Maybe that's the problem, maybe seeing you every day reminds me of that," Leia hurled at him and he flinched. She gave him a brief apologetic look before her mask was in place again and she left the room.
After she avoided him for the next month with little more than a formal greeting between them, Han finally took his cue and left her to her pain, knowing he could never recover from the loss of his wife and his son.
888888888888888888888888888888888
Leia dropped her contact with Han's mind, bringing herself back to the present as she felt waves of sorrow coming from him, and watched as he tossed restlessly in his sleep, muttering incomprehensible words of pain.
It was a dark time between them and she had flatly rejected him as she needed to fight her demons on her own, she couldn't deal with her pain as well as his, especially knowing she was the cause of most of it. So, she did the only thing she could, she shut down and forced him away.
She wiped a tear from her face, she still regretted that decision.
She watched as Han burrowed into the covers, muttering "no, no, no." He buried his head into his pillow and cried out her name. "Leia!" Then he whimpered and settled into a restless sleep.
Unwilling to see what was disturbing him, but unable to stop herself, she reached out to him once again…
888888888888888888888888888888
Lake Tria was calm on this moonlit night, barely a wave marred its dark blue surface, so unlike his turbulent emotions. This was a lake they could see from their home on Corellia, the place they had lived as a family after Breha was lost to them. Han had spent many happy times here, but now it was gone. Everything that mattered to him was gone.
He only felt one of two things these days, immense pain when he was sober, and a soothing numbness when he drank too much. Now, he was caught between the two, sobering up just enough to realize how much everything hurt.
He was so far removed from the mercenary of his youth that he couldn't remember how he had once been that man. That man lived life to the fullest and was indifferent to relationships in his life, needing only money and adventure to keep him happy.
But his life wasn't complete until he met and fell in love with Leia. She was his life, his love, his soul. And they produced two amazing children because of the love they felt for one another. And now they were all gone. Leia's rejection of him cut deeply; he never knew loving someone could hurt this much. Time to resolve this issue for everyone.
Mechanically, without thought, Han stood up and began to remove his clothes. He took the time to fold them neatly, hoping someone would appreciate this last consideration, and with a last look at the setting sun, closed his eyes and felt its warmth for one last time.
He walked to the edge of the lake, the water licking at his toes.
It will be better this way. I won't cause Leia any more pain and maybe I'll finally stop hurting. I'll finally be able to stop thinking of her with my every waking moment.
He rubbed a hand over his eyes, hating the tears that were there but unable to stop them. He fell to his knees, his hands gripping the sand. "No, no, no! Leia! Oh Gods, Leia! I'm sorry…for everything…so very sorry…" he collapsed in the sand sobbing until he couldn't cry anymore.
A few hours later he was aware of waking on his bunk in the Falcon wondering how in the hell he got there.
The door slid open and when Chewbacca saw he was awake he stepped into Han's cabin. The Wookie walked over to Han and wrapped his arms around his friend, holding him close.
"Oh Gods, Chewie! They're gone…Breha…Ben…Leia!" He clutched the Chewie desperately, wrapping his arms around him. "My life is over…" he tried to stifle the torrent of tears but it was no use.
"You will survive this, Cub, you are strong. Wait for the future, you will see. It will all work out."
Han shook his head against Chewbacca's chest and the Wookie made sounds of comfort until exhausted, Han fell asleep once again…
888888888888888888888888888888
AN: Reviews are loved! Thanks for reading.
