Chapter 3:

Those Damn Feelings Just Wouldn't Go AWAY.

He had forgotten, and how he had no idea because he remembered every little detail about her when he had his memories, that Usagi was able to forget so many things so easily and quickly but feelings lasted so much longer for her.

Feelings were felt so much deeper than anything her brain could bring up for her to sort out logically. She attached so much more to her feelings and other senses than she did to her mind. She knew memories were faulty and so she had never put much stock into them. Whereas he had. He had clung and dug at every turn for memories because he was always missing so much of his life, first the car accident, then the nights and sometimes days where he just didn't know where he was and then would wake up or come to in some place in the city he'd never been to before with no idea what time it was until he looked at his clock. Then the Beryl thing where his entire life was wiped out before her. Then after Beryl where it had just been the previous year, mostly any memory of Usagi whereas Serenity had always been with him in some way or form so he couldn't forget her or the dreams that had just stopped. Or why there was a rose on his table that never wilted or needed water.

After he got his memories back that time, he realized he and Usagi had created that rose out of their love. The love he lied about not having any more. If she had seen that rose she would have known the truth, a love that strong didn't just go away, not without serious consequences and backlash. That rose would have crumbled for sure, even if her love was still holding it up from completely disintegrating.

No Usagi was the smarter one of the two of them, she never trusted memories whereas he was desperate for them and distrusted anything he didn't recall.

Rei had been wrong that day though, while he knew how horrible it was to have memories stolen like that, Usagi wouldn't have minded or cared if it wasn't so strongly attached to her emotions. She was always so much stronger than him too.

Rei had also been wrong when she said that it would be worse. It was still absolutely terrible, he could see and admit that freely but at least after a crying fit and a few other reactions, Usagi would steel herself, call herself all kinds of stupid and would eat. That had been the most important thing to him. She was also sleeping. He'd seen her sleeping peacefully a few of the nights he'd watched. There were nights though that she was plagued by unrest in her sleep that weren't youma related, though she had plenty of those too, and the end of the Silver Millennium. Though how it played out now, he wasn't sure, maybe it was just a gap, maybe she was standing there against Beryl with blood soaking her dress with no reason to explain how it got there and her killing herself instead allowing Beryl access to her.

Westerners would call that weakness, in Japan they called that bravery and nobility. Mamoru just called it foolishness. There was no way the Moon Kingdom would have fallen if the princess hadn't. He had died to protect her, the senshi would have followed suit, he'd seen them getting closer and they would have gotten there in time if Serenity had just held out a bit longer. The Queen might have still died but she would have done it to eradicate their kingdom of the enemy and Serenity would have been the new queen, ruling a peaceful world for centuries. There was no reason for Serenity to have died, she was always the most important person in the universe and she needed to live.

He knew though that his interference with Usagi was incomplete. Following her around like a lovesick fool was bad enough. She never caught him doing it but she would pass familiar places, places that had held such meaning and importance and she would stand there for such a long time, that he would think she was frozen solid or something was physically wrong with her, perhaps a youma attack of some sort and then she would collapse onto the ground and start sobbing.

Usually one of the senshi would be with her and they'd pick her up and move her on, not even embarrassed that their friend was causing a scene. They never sent him a glare either, so he knew he kept far enough away.

So she was sleeping and eating but she was still suffering far too much.

Rei had demanded, begged, pleaded, threatened, anything she could do to get him to return Usagi's memories but he refused flatly and she couldn't force him. Nobody could. They could do bodily harm to him and they did but he didn't crack. He had already done the hardest thing in his life, was still doing it and if he didn't crack here then he wouldn't crack for them. Eventually they left him alone and renewed their focus on Usagi, tried to find better ways to help her, new ways.

A month had gone by like this and a few times he slipped and she managed to run into him. Literally on occasion.

The first time he had been sitting at their bench when she came sprawling over him. He learned quickly not to sit there anymore, at least for now. She pulled away, an apology and embarrassment on her face. She looked at him and recognition never filtered into her eyes, she spoke to him as if he was a stranger. She pushed a blond lock behind her ear and he recognized the heat flaring into her eyes, he wasn't sure if it was residual passion or just because she would have felt attracted to him anyway.

"It's fine." He waved off, the pain of being as distance felt like a knife twisting in his gut but it was his choice.

A frown crossed her lips. "I'm sorry, I know this is out of line but I feel as if I know you. Which is crazy because you act as if I'm a fly buzzing around you."

"We've never met." Mamoru lied smoothly and she nodded, apologized, picked up her briefcase one more time, sent a strange glance over to where they had last kissed and then with a sniffle and a hand brushing her nose she continued on.

Thousands of knives assaulted him then, because just running into him was causing her pain.

After that, her head would turn as he followed her and she would look for him but he always remained out of sight. She did spot him once or twice at the arcade and he wasn't sure if she was looking for him then or if she was looking for a familiar face in the crowd to talk to. She would let her eyes linger on him and then someone would say something to her and she would continue on with what she was doing before.

She almost came up to talk to him once when they were at the arcade.

He wanted to steal those memories away too but what he'd done was enough, he couldn't take any more memories from her. It was cruel but it was a cruelty that was worth it.

Now he couldn't handle it anymore, those tears, whenever he was on the receiving end of them he'd been putty in her hands but seeing her burst into tears randomly at all times was just driving him absolutely insane.

So he waited for her at the park yet again. She always had a few moments a day without senshi with her physically and without them following her at a distance. Mostly to give her space with her thoughts and not to overwhelm her. They never knew about the park meet-ups though, not even Luna. They'd kept this absolutely private, he was glad for that now. Even without her memories she still never invited anyone with her this way.

Plus the senshi didn't know that she was in very real danger if the enemy got their hands on her. Thankfully the enemy had no idea who she was and the fights weren't progressing very fast. They were still on the sisters, and they definitely weren't in charge of much.

He stood up and into Usagi's path as she neared. She stopped in place, almost afraid of him. She narrowed her eyes. "What are you doing here?" It was a repeat of last time in so many ways.

"I had to talk to you." He reached out for her but she took a heady step back. He had almost forgotten that she didn't know him and it was smart to be distrustful of this stranger who was several years older and wanted to touch her out of the blue. Yet he needed physical contact with her to do this. Perhaps he didn't but if he was going to go this far, he wanted to be able to touch her again.

He willed the earth to obey and she tripped over the ground and started to fall but he pulled her back into the safety of his arms. She was such a warm person and he didn't mean just physical heat, though there was plenty of that too, but that warmth was seriously lacking these days. She kept so much more to herself, partly out of fear that she would start bawling in front of them, but also because she was feeling so much pain and didn't want to be hurt more. That was hurting her more than anything else, her being anyone but herself.

Though she didn't know him and distrusted him and most people these days, she still curled into his body as he held her, at first to help her, and her being afraid of the fall even though she did it often enough. Hell that's why she did such risky, dangerous stunts when she was a senshi because she knew though they hurt, they weren't entirely that scary when you did it on purpose, it was the surprise that still scared her. They happened for absolutely no reason and at the weirdest moments.

He slid his hands up her back and over her shoulders to cup her face and held it between both hands. His head lowered but she took a step back but didn't dislodge his hands, he wouldn't let her. "Wait, it's my first kiss-"

"It's really not." He sighed and pulled her to him, she was resisting but was confused by that statement all at the same time and that allowed him the time to kiss her. She sank into this kiss a lot faster than the last one because she had only fractured feelings to go on and he had that draw on her, just like she had on him. This one took a lot longer than the last one because it required a lot more unraveling and he had never realized just how much she loved him, all the different ways and how he was attached to the most mundane things in her life, anything could lead her to start thinking of him.

He shouldn't have been surprised still, that's how much he loved her, in exactly the same odd, quirky ways, in everything she said or did or didn't say or do. It was almost a half an hour and people had sent them weird looks as he concentrated on the kiss, kisses if he were honest, and she was responding to each and every one, straight up to the end, when he was sure that he was able to get every single piece. He wasn't able to remove her hormones that would still flare whenever she did see or smell or hear him, that wasn't something he had domain over.

It was ironic that he could remove memories, both mental and physical but was unable to unlock his own, but it was probably his price to pay. He couldn't unlock others' either.

When he pulled away this time, he didn't go as far, he just took several steps back and waved his hand in front of her face. She opened her eyes, her hands still raised to grip his shirt but she drop them when she realized there wasn't anything to touch. She laughed nervously and looked up to him and froze. He wondered what was going through her mind. She gave a small shrug. "Guess I overreacted, I thought I would run into you, but I managed to stop in time. Weird... guess there's always a first time."

It was a comment that jarred him and he narrowed his eyes wondering if she remembered all those run-ins through the years. She laughed and scratched the back of her head. "I run into my friends all the time without meaning to. You too, I think, here, once." She frowned as if trying to remember what happened then but couldn't. She'd run into him here quite a few times. She shrugged and looked at him curiously. "That's twice now that we've intersected here. Are you sure we don't know each other?"

"No." Though he was watching her intently.

She scratched her head again and bent to pick up her briefcase. "I could have sworn... Right!" She snapped her fingers and turned back to him when she was about to pass him. She bit her lip as she realized how close she was to him and took a step back. "You're friends with Motoki, I've seen you around the arcade."

Mamoru nodded his acknowledgment of her assessment. He had promised he wouldn't take away any more memories, at least as long as they were innocent like that and nothing that would cause her pain. "I suppose you could have seen me there. I'm there on occasion, though I don't remember you."

"I'm not very memorable." She laughed at herself and he internally cringed because she was so wrong. "Well, maybe I'll see you around - ?"

"Chiba Mamoru."

"Mamoru." She was back to her old self it seemed bypassing all formality and calling people by their given names instead of family names, especially now that she spoke with them informally. "Well, see you Mamoru."

"Bye Usagi."

She froze and turned back to him and he slapped himself upside his own head and already had to break his own intentions, but this was important that she didn't question him on this. That was such a stupid mistake. He reached out and slid a finger along her temple and she shook her head and never noticed his finger. "Did you say something?"

"What's your name?" He said as if he was repeating himself. "You know my name."

"Oh, right, it's Usagi."

He sighed internally as they were now Usagi and Mamoru but he nodded. "Have a safe walk home Usagi and don't walk through the park at night, there's quite a few dangers that could befall you in such an isolated area."

The sun was already setting and she cocked a grin at him, the first smile he'd seen on her face for months and he let out a breath of relief and something else as the magnitude blasted him in the chest like it always did. "I'm more capable of handling myself than most people would assume."

"I'm sure you are, but things still happen. Stick to the busier areas."

She gave a shrug. "All right, I'll try. See ya." She walked away without a glance back and Mamoru knew anyone who had seen the kiss to this moment would be very confused. Hell, he was too.

He had just completely wiped his entire existence out of her life. What the hell was wrong with him? If anyone else had even attempted it he would have beat them down and possibly killed them for it. It was his greatest fear, not that nobody would remember him if he were to just disappear off the Earth but that she would forget him and he would lose everything important to him. Yet she was going to be with someone else, happy and entangled with them so tightly that there would never be room for him again. She wasn't dead and that was the most important thing but now he felt listless. What had he done?

He knew starting again might be a blessing and they couldn't do that until she got stronger, until she could stand on her own two feet without anyone else, but... while he would do anything to get her back once it was safe, would she even be willing? Would she ever return to him without the past to tie her to him?

He was shaking when he got home and he found a blond in his apartment. She slapped him, hard, but not as hard as Rei had, even though this blond was in senshi form. "That's for messing with her again." Then she slapped him with the other hand on the other cheek and his head whipped to that side and his neck hurt. This was the only senshi that hadn't confronted him yet and it seemed she was waiting... for something... and she got it. "That's for not doing it in the Silver Millennium and avoiding this entire mess in the first place!"

Then she slid her arms around his neck and kissed him soundly on the mouth. He was in shock and he barely found his voice when she put a foot between them and laughed. "What was that for?"

"For finally wising up and doing something about her feelings for you. I've been telling you for ages, literally, that her love for you was bad, that you were bad for her and you finally listened."

"I didn't do it for you." Mamoru growled, the hole he had caused in his own being finally finding a voice and anger. "I did it for her. She will be in serious danger if she doesn't shape up and become stronger and believe in herself and her abilities. She needs to be able to fight and defend herself."

Venus shook her head. "She'll never get to that stage." She waved off. "Now that she's back to her old self, the self she was before she met you, then she will be able to get herself out of different situations and if she can't, we will. She'll be fine."

For a while, it certainly seemed that way to all watching.

Mamoru waited for a week, wondering if he would still be called to her siren call in a fight when she no longer had thoughts or feelings for him but she had never severed that link by her hand and he hell as well wouldn't and so he was called to her side after-all. Though he still wasn't needed and it would have been really difficult to explain his presence because she hadn't remembered Kamen either.

Following her around was a lot easier, she still seemed to sense him at times but she barely spared him a glance when she came into the arcade, a half way and then she was busy doing something with her friends. She didn't spar with him like they had in the past so she didn't even give him a second thought, or at least as far as he knew. The hormones were still there, so maybe he was placed into the same category as all the boys she found attractive but not enough to bother with. He never spoke to her to give her anything in which to like him by. Though remembering all the things that he had to unravel, he realized just being seen by her might be enough and so he came less frequently, though he still watched her on occasion. She no longer went to their spots and cried, she didn't seem to even realize they existed.

He found himself at those spots with far more frequency, trying to hold onto the memories only he had now and hold himself together.


EAN: I've said this in another story, but I got internet for a second and thought I'd update for y'all. In another month you'll probably be getting more regular updates but I have to look over the next chapter again. I haven't finished the next one and the reason why might be because I spun out of control in another direction I hadn't been planning and I can work it in, and part of me wants to and part of me doesn't... I have to see where I go after the next chapter before I know for sure. (Up to the end of this chapter had all been meticulously planned). Kind of like why DD got delayed so long because I had decided to cut a large portion of what had originally been planned because it got to be too much. Working on that one too btw. If anyone cares.