Malik leaned against the door frame of the bathroom, peering in at Bakura as he stood in front of the mirror brushing his hair. "Bakura, what are we going to do with that sex couch thing when we have guests over? It's way too big to fit in a closet or something."

"Who cares?" responded Bakura. "If people see it, they see it. What are they gonna do about it?"

Malik sighed. "You're not even a little embarrassed?"

"Nope." Bakura smirked. Then he suddenly turned to Malik with an accusatory glare. "Wait, guests? Are we having guests soon or something?"

"We have plans with Ryou tomorrow, remember? He's coming over to watch that horror movie we talked about."

"Ugh, fine," said Bakura, ripping the brush through his hair. "But after that, we don't see anyone else at all for at least a week."

"Deal," said Malik.

"Is he bringing his sham wife?"

"She has a name. And yeah, I think Serenity is coming."

Ryou was in a sham marriage with Serenity. Malik wasn't completely clear on why. All Ryou would ever say about his matrimonial decision was that he'd done it because he really enjoyed yelling This marriage is a sham! at random moments. Malik thought it might have had something to do with the fact that Ryou had come to Japan from England, and needed to marry a citizen in order to stay, but he wasn't really sure. Truthfully, he didn't know much about Japanese immigration laws; he and Bakura had simply used magic to forge their citizenship documents.

"Well, we have some time alone before they get here tomorrow," Malik said, giving up on arguing with Bakura about the bondage couch. He supposed Ryou and Serenity would just have to deal with its existence. Maybe he could throw a blanket over it or something to make it less noticeable. He gave Bakura a smile. "Come to bed."

Bakura smiled back and followed him to the bedroom.


The next day, Ryou was right on time as usual. Malik came to the door and greeted him. Ryou handed him a bag of hot crisps—Ryou always insisted on bringing something every time he came over, saying it was only polite. Bakura then marched into the kitchen, grabbed the bag of crisps from Malik, tore it open, and immediately shoved a huge handful into his mouth.

Malik rolled his eyes and turned back to the door, where Serenity was just entering behind Ryou. "Hi, Serenity."

Serenity smiled and nodded, then peered around Malik to wave to Bakura, who ignored her.

Malik didn't know Serenity very well, but when Ryou brought her over, he always tried to be polite and make conversation. So he said, "How have you been, Serenity? Anything new?"

Serenity nodded, then raised a hand and tilted it back and forth.

"Serenity read about this challenge online where you don't speak at all for a month, so she's not talking," explained Ryou.

"Ah," Malik said. At least he wouldn't have to worry about her making any comments on their sex furniture.

The four headed to the living room and sat down on the couch.

Serenity pointed to the TV and then made an exaggerated shrugging motion.

"She probably wants to know what we're watching," Malik guessed.

Bakura was still too busy shoving crisps into his face to answer, so Malik let out a long-suffering sigh and said, "We're watching the Cabin Fever remake. Have you seen the first one?"

Serenity shook her head.

"This marriage is a sham!" cried Ryou.

Bakura finally swallowed and said, "The first one is really great. Don't know much about the remake, though."

Serenity nodded, and Malik went to set up the movie.

"Yeah, I liked the first one too," Ryou said. "It's a real classic of horror comedy."

Just before Malik was about to get the movie started, Serenity got up, spun around in circles, and pointed in random directions.

"What's she trying to say?" asked Malik.

"I think she's trying to say This marriage is a sham," offered Ryou.

Serenity gave a forceful shake of her head, then started wandering off down the hallway.

"Oh! I'll bet she wants to know where the bathroom is," Malik figured.

Serenity nodded in an exaggerated manner.

"It's the door on your left," said Malik.

They waited to start the movie until Serenity got back from the bathroom. On her way back, Malik noticed her looking curiously at their new couch, which Malik had, in fact, covered with a blanket.

Ryou followed her eyes and said, "What's that? Don't think I've seen it here before."

"It's nothing," Malik said, at the same time Bakura exclaimed, "It's a sex lounge!"

Malik looked up to the heavens for help as Bakura smirked and Ryou just let out a small laugh. Serenity looked a bit weirded out until Ryou said, "Eh, you'll get used to this kind of stuff the more you're around them." With that, Serenity shrugged and settled herself on the couch—the regular, non-sex one—and Malik just prayed they could make it through the rest of the evening without discussing his and Bakura's sex life any further.

Finally, they started the movie, all settling in to watch it. As they all quieted (except Serenity, who was already quiet) in order to pay attention to the movie, Malik was relieved that the topic of sex furniture seemed to have been dropped.

As the movie wore on, Malik's face twisted into a look of confusion mingled with disgust. Ryou looked confused as well, periodically cocking his head to the side and knitting his eyebrows together. Serenity had retreated to her phone, and seemed to be playing The Sims.

Bakura's head was lying in Malik's lap, and Malik's hands were buried in his hair, giving him head scratches. Bakura's eyes kept closing in contentment, and he seemed to be concentrating more on the feeling of Malik's hands than he was the movie.

"Your marriage is more real than mine and Serenity's," Ryou said with a laugh, glancing over at the two. "You guys do realize you're married, right?"

Bakura sat up suddenly, a look of mock surprise on his face. "Wait, we're married? Really? Oh my gods, we have to tell our parents!" He paused for a second, pretending to look thoughtful. "Oh...wait."

Malik snickered at that, grabbing Bakura by his hair and pulling his head back down into his lap, and Bakura buried his face in Malik's thigh and pretended he wasn't laughing.

"See, this is why you're married to each other. No one else thinks that's funny," Ryou said.

Serenity nodded and pointed to herself, and Malik was pretty sure she was trying to say that she found it funny, but Ryou swore she was definitely saying This marriage is a sham! Really, she was agreeing with Ryou and saying she didn't find it funny either, but no one would ever know that.

When the movie finally ended, Ryou tilted his head and said, "Well, that was...huh. I'm really confused about what I just saw. In fact, I now feel retroactively confused about things I saw in the original movie. It...it was a comedy, right?"

"Definitely," Bakura said, yawning. "That was gods-awful, from the little I was paying attention. I sort of quit watching because...I mean, who remakes a comedy and takes out all the jokes? Who does that? Who the fuck does that?"

"It's...odd," agreed Ryou. "I've never heard of remaking a comedy movie and removing all the jokes in order to make the movie a totally serious drama."

"Yeah," Malik agreed. "You know how people will watch a remake or a sequel and say it ruined the original for them? And it's silly because, you know, the original still exists, so how can it ruin it? But I finally understand that now. This actually ruined all the jokes from the original. The original is literally less funny to me now for having seen this terrible movie."

"They fucking made pancakes depressing!" Bakura burst out. "How could they ruin pancakes by making it sad?"

"I didn't even know there was a way to remove the comedy from the Doctor Mambo conversation," Malik said, shaking his head.

"I feel like...it wouldn't even be terrible if I just saw this as a stand alone and had never seen the original?" Ryou said. "But it's practically a shot for shot remake with all the same events and most of the same dialogue except that they changed all the jokes so they're no longer jokes...so it just kind of...um…"

"Sucks," Bakura finished for him, and Ryou nodded.

"And if they were going to play all the jokes straight, they could have at least played that sex scene straight...but no, they just cut it out entirely! That was like the one thing I was looking forward to once I realized they'd made all the jokes serious!" Malik said, and Bakura nodded in understanding.

"And I don't even dislike remakes in general," Malik went on. "Everyone complained when they remade Evil Dead, but I said, hey, give it a chance. And I thought it was really good."

"I liked the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake better than the original," Bakura put in. "There's no blood in the original."

"I preferred the Last House on the Left remake to the original," Ryou said. "I like how Marie survives in the remake."

"Plus, if you're rating the quality of movies based on how many rapists' heads explode in a microwave—which, why wouldn't you—the Last House remake comes out on top there too," Bakura said.

Serenity held out her phone, showing a message she'd tapped out. I liked the Blair Witch remake, though I haven't seen the original. Apparently, Ryou must have been showing her some English-language horror movies even when Malik and Bakura weren't around.

"Well, that's really a sequel, not a remake," Bakura said. "Either way, don't mention it in front of Malik. He's scared of the witch."

"I am not!" exclaimed Malik.

Bakura leaned over and said to Ryou in a stage whisper, "He doesn't like how the witch can make it eternal night, trapping you in darkness forever. He didn't sleep for like, three days."

"Shut up!" Malik cried, his face heating.

Ryou looked like he was trying not to smile. "It's fine, Malik, we understand."

"You're dead, Bakura," Malik said, shooting Bakura a murderous glare. Though he couldn't really be mad at him, especially when he remembered how Bakura had stayed awake with all the lights on and comforted him on those nights when he couldn't sleep.

"But as I was saying," Malik went on pointedly, "I don't even usually mind remakes...but this...this...monstrosity…" He gestured towards the TV, making a face and shooting the television set a sharp look, as if it were the TV's fault for playing such an awful movie.

"It was pretty bad," agreed Ryou.

The three drifted into silence after that (Serenity was already silent.) Eventually, conversation started up again as Ryou began talking to Bakura about a new Monster World campaign he was making.

After about an hour of that, the conversation drifted again, and Malik and Bakura fell into their usual persiflage. Ryou took that as his cue to stand up and stretch, saying, "Well, it's getting late. We should be going."

Serenity nodded and stood up as well, and Malik said, "It was nice having you. We'll have to do this again soon. Hopefully with a better movie."

Ryou agreed, thanking Malik and Bakura for having them, and then heading for the door with his quiet sham wife in tow. On the way out, he spared one more glance at the sex lounge and said with a secretive smile, "I hope you two have fun with that."

"Oh, we will," Bakura assured him. "Actually, we already have."

"Shut up, asshole," Malik said with a slight smile, giving him a light elbow to the side.

Ryou just pretended he didn't hear them, and as the door shut behind him and Serenity, Malik wound his arms around Bakura from behind, and Bakura leaned into him.

"You seem like you could use some cheering up after that movie," Bakura said, his voice turned quiet and intimate. "Wanna have some fun again?"

Malik smiled and held Bakura tighter. "Definitely."