Guess who I'm abandoning my dear son Evan with this time? My dear sister, Dee. Her name suits her, because she is a dick. And she's just gotten worse since the birth of her "son", Kermit. Yes, Kermit. She must hate him even more than I hate Evan. Actually, she doesn't hate him. That disappoints me. I was hoping we could get together and complain about our children sometime. But not only does she not hate him, she worships him. She acts like he's the most precious angel to ever step on the planet.

Kermit is even worse than Evan. But at least he's a smart brat. Evan's just a brat. Dee confuses me. She really does. How can she raise a kid as horrible as Kermit, and STILL think he's a perfect angel who can do no wrong? Evan is the dumbest kid I know, and even HE can tell how horrible Kermit is just by spending two hours with him, and she can't even tell that he's not perfect by spending eight years with him. Or maybe she knows exactly how rotten her spawn is, and is just feigning ignorance because she hates Evan as much as I do and likes seeing her son torture him.

I'm making Evan babysit him. Predictably, he wasn't happy about that. Time for another round of what I wish I wanted to say vs what I actually said!

Evan: Kermit is probably busy blowing up the house.

What I wanted to say: I wish somebody would blow up you.

What I actually said: All the more reason for you to hurry. You're responsible for him, Evan. You're in charge of your cousin until his mom gets home from work.

Evan: I can't believe he's my cousin. He's such a nerd!

What I wanted to say: That's funny, I always thought, "I can't believe you're my son. You're such a brat!"

What I actually said: Kermit's not a nerd. He's a genius! Eight years old and already a scientific genius.

Evan: Some genius. Mom, yesterday he melted my sneakers.

What I wanted to say: Really? I must go congratulate him!

What I actually said: He what?

Evan: He had one of his concoctions. It was a bright yellow liquid. He said it would toughen up my sneakers so they'd never wear out again.

What I wanted to say: I wish I was there so I could take pictures.

What I actually said: And you let him pour that stuff over your sneakers?

Evan: I didn't have a choice. I have to do everything Kermit says, or he'll tell Aunt Dee I was being mean to him.

What I wanted to say: Kind of like how I can't slap you or tell you to shut up or you'll never stop whining about it. Now you know what it's like. Karma, eh?

What I actually said: I wondered why you came home barefoot yesterday.

But Kermit wasn't the only thing he whined about. He also whined about - get this - the color of his Jell-O. He said he didn't want it to be green because it "reminded him of the monster blood". I wish I had taken him on that trip to Atlanta all those months ago. Even his whining would be easier to deal with than this PTSD complex he's developed. Naturally, I rolled my eyes and called him weird.

Once he FINALLY shut up, I sent him on his way to Kermit's house. I know that the last time I left him with an aunt, he nearly died, but - well, the last time I sent him with an aunt, he nearly died! Hopefully this time he really will die. Sadly, he didn't. He did come back with another near death story for me. I acted all fake concerned and pretended to care.

By the way, get this: Kermit lives next to a kid called Conan Barber. Between him, Kermit and Evan's very female friend Andy, it seems that everyone hates their kids nowadays. Glad to see I'm not alone.

I've always found it funny that Evan's mom doesn't even care when Evan tells her Kermit melted his sneakers and is always getting him trouble with Aunt Dee. You'd think she'd talk to Dee or Kermit about it, but no, she just tells him to be careful and sends him on his way.