Chapter 3: No Trigger Warnings Allowed

STANDINGS: Samus - 4, Snake - 8, Falco - 5, Link - 6, Kirby - 0, Pikachu - 2

Snake gathered up the black cards, shuffled them, and read off the top one. "The six things I could never do without: Oxygen, Facebook, chocolate, Netflix, friends, and *blank*. Lol," he said sarcastically. "This sounds so vapid."

"Ugh..." Samus grumbled. "I absolutely hate those kinds of people. I mean, you need freedom, right? Looks like the corporate bullshit you've grown to love must've imprisoned your mind and hypnotized you into saying all that."

"Yeah," Snake said reflectively. "So gimme your best, OK? Try to throw something psychopathic in there."

The players looked over their cards, trying to find something that would be a disturbing end to the series of relatively mundane American, middle-class, fairly liberal, Caucasian female-specific interests. After much internal debate, they finally submitted their cards to Snake.

Snake looked through the combinations. "The six things I could never do without: Oxygen, Facebook, chocolate, Netflix, friends and my vagina. Lol!" He chuckled at the combination. "That's basically most modern white girls in a nutshell."

"That's not me," Samus commented.

"I said most modern white girls, not all of them. Moving on..." Snake read off the next combination. "The six things I could never do without: Oxygen, Facebook, chocolate, Netflix, friends and lots and lots of abortions. Lol! ...Guess you've had so much unprotected sex that getting an abortion is now one of your daily pleasures."

"That sounds exactly like someone who does that," Link said.

Snake read the next few combinations. "The six things I could never do without: Oxygen, Facebook, chocolate, Netflix, friends, and sweet, sweet vengeance. Lol!"

"If that's not a good film promo line, I don't know what is," Falco commented. "I can just picture a blonde girl in designer clothes and heavy makeup with a gossip magazine in one hand and a handgun in the other."

"Sounds interesting, but kinda dumb at the same time," Snake replied before moving on. "The six things I could never do without: Oxygen, Facebook, chocolate, Netflix, friends, and the sweet song of sword against sword and the braying of mighty war beasts. Lol!"

"Although that sounds like someone watching Game of Thrones on Netflix," Kirby said.

"True," Snake said. "The six things I could never do without: Oxygen, Facebook, chocolate, Netflix, friends, and being worshipped as the one true god. Lol!"

"Pikachu pika pika pikachu pi," Pikachu said.

"He says: Sounds like somebody's got a hella god complex," Kirby translated.

Snake chuckled to himself before deciding. "I'm gonna go with 'My vagina' for the first-place winner."

"All right!" Kirby exclaimed.

"And for second place, I'm going with 'Sweet, sweet vengeance'."

"Mine," Link declared.

Falco received the black cards from Snake. He drew off the top card. "Honey, Mommy and Daddy love you very much. But apparently Mommy loves *blank* more than she loves Daddy," he read.

"Ohhhh... Drama!" Kirby said in a gossip-y manner.

"All right, give him your best," Samus said before looking down at her hand.

The remaining players looked down at their hands and decided. They handed their cards in to Falco, who began reading off the combinations. "Honey, Mommy and Daddy love you very much. But apparently Mommy loves a bigger, blacker dick more than she loves Daddy."

"Oh, man... Controversy alert," Snake smirked.

"She's cheating," Samus added.

Falco continued with the combinations. "Honey, Mommy and Daddy love you very much. But apparently Mommy loves The Star Wars Holiday Special more than she loves Daddy."

"Oh, shit!" Link cried out.

"Oh, the Star Wars Holiday Special. The biggest dump to ever have aired on television," Snake reminisced.

"All right, continuing on," Falco got the whole group back on track before reading the next combinations. "Honey, Mommy and Daddy love you very much. But apparently Mommy loves the sensitive European photographer who's been fucking my wife more than she loves Daddy."

"Spoiler much..." Samus commented.

"Yeah... Honey, Mommy and Daddy love you very much. But apparently Mommy loves s- snor- Oh my God, this card is just... ...Mommy loves snorting coke off a- a- Hahahaha! -Snorting coke off a clown's boner more than she loves Daddy. Yep, this card's a winner for sure."

"Pika pi. Pikachu pi pika pikachu," Pikachu explained.

"He says 'You don't know that yet. We still have one more card to go,'" Kirby translated.

"Well, whatever. I still think that last combo should win," Falco said before continuing on. "Honey, Mommy and Daddy love you very much. But apparently Mommy loves slowly easing down onto a cucumber more than she loves Daddy. OK, this isn't as funny as the last one. I'm definitely choosing the clown's boner one as the winner." And then he burst out into uncontrollable laughter. The rest of the players followed suit.

"That's... That's mine," Samus said in between loud guffaws.

"Second place, I'm gonna go with... Shit, this is tough... The Star Wars Holiday Special."

"Pika," Pikachu said.

The points were distributed, the card deck was passed, and Samus became the new Card Czar. "It lurks in the night," she intoned in imitation of a horror movie trailer announcer. "It hungers for flesh. This summer, no one is same from... BLANK! Muahahahaha! ...OK, that was terrible."

"It kinda was," Snake agreed.

"All right, gentlemen, show me what you've got," Samus challenged the rest of the group.

Think of something mundane, Kirby thought to himself. Something that's harmless but still pretty damn scary. Something like... Aha! This one. He passed the white card over to Samus.

Snake tried to stifle a laugh as he submitted his white card. He knew this one was a winner because of how nonthreatening it was. But at the same time, if you were to lock a grizzled war veteran in a room with only this, then he wouldn't like it very much.

Everyone else handed over their cards. Samus began reading them off. "It lurks in the night. It hungers for flesh. This summer, no one is safe from bees?"

"You said that one like it's a question," Link commented.

"That's 'cause it is a question," Samus replied. She showed Link the card, marked with the word "Bees", followed by a question mark, implying that the player wasn't so sure about the bees. "OK, next cards. It lurks in the night. It hungers for flesh. This summer, no one is safe from Pure Moods: Vol. 1."

Everyone in the group had a bit of a laugh at the Pure Moods card. Then Samus continued reading off the cards. "It lurks in the night. It hungers for flesh. this summer, no one is safe from the penny whistle solo from 'My Heart Will Go On'."

"Ahahahah! Fear me!" Link said in imitation of a villain, before taking out his ocarina and playing the infamous solo from the infamous song from the infamous movie. This led everyone else in the group to laugh.

Samus read off the next combinations. "It lurks in the night. It hungers for flesh. This summer, no one is safe from three dicks at the same time."

"That would be kinda scary if it were a rape scene, though," Snake commented.

"Trigger warning, Snake," Falco said. "There might be some people around who are sensitive to that sort of thing."

"This is Cards Against Humanity," Snake shot back. "There is no such thing."

"One more," Samus got the rest of the group back on track. "It lurks in the night. It hungers for flesh. This summer, no one is safe from Pretty Pretty Princess Dress-Up Board Game."

"Because we all know those realistic pictures on the cutouts are pure, unadulterated nightmare fuel," Kirby commented, shuddering a little bit.

"OK, I'm going with Pure Moods for number one," Samus announced.

"Pika," Pikachu said.

"Second place is the penny whistle solo from My Heart Will Go On," Samus finished.

"Mine," Falco said.

The points were distributed, new white cards were drawn, and the black deck was passed over to Link. "Kids these days with their iPods and their Internet," he fake-lamented. "In my day, all we needed to pass the time was *blank*."

The other players passed on their cards to Link, who started reading them off. "Kids these days with their iPods and their Internet. In my day, all we needed to pass the time was reading the entire End-Use License Agreement."

"But wasn't that part of the Internet generation?" Snake asked.

"Who cares? It takes a long-ass time to read, and I'm pretty sure kids in those days would be easily entertained by anything," Samus answered.

"Moving on," Link said. "Kids these days with their iPods and their Internet. In my day, all we needed to pass the time was beating your wives. Shit just got dark..."

"But like I said earlier, no trigger warnings allowed," Snake said.

"OK. Next card: Kids these days with their iPods and their Internet. In my day, all we needed to pass the time was driving into a tornado to learn about tornadoes."

"We never flew into tornadoes," Falco said, reminiscing about the days of high spatial adventure. "But we shot up a bunch of stuff."

"That's interesting," Link said back. "Kids these days with their iPods and their Internet. In my day, all we needed to pass the time was Daddy's credit card."

"That's pretty funny," Kirby commented.

"I know, right?" Samus quipped.

"Just go into all the stores and buy a bunch of candy of something," Link said, laughing a little bit. "Now for the next one. Kids these days with their iPods and their Internet. In my day, all we needed to pass the time was the Chinese gymnastics team. ...In person or on TV?"

"TV would be good, but in person would probably be better," Snake said with a big, stupid, quite possibly horny grin on his face.

"OK, so I'm choosing Daddy's credit card as the winner," Link announced.

"Mine," Falco said. "I knew that one would be a winner."

"And for second place, I'm going with the Chinese gymnastics team," Link continued.

"Pika!" squeaked Pikachu.

Pikachu took the black deck and drew the top card. Kirby read it off. "The class field trip was completely ruined by *blank*."

"I remember when I was in school, and my field trip was ruined by a big-ass blizzard," Snake reminisced. "Sat on the bus for hours, cold, miserable, and having to contend with overly cheerful teachers singing campfire songs at you for 5 hours."

"Pika pika," Pikachu said.

"He says: 'That sucks'," Kirby translated. "All right, give him your cards."

The players sat for a while, thinking. Those who had been educated in a relatively Earth-esque school system tried to think about what field trips they had and what mishaps may have ruined them. Those who hadn't been educated in a way similar to what human Earthlings experience had to think harder about what would ruin a good trip. But eventually, everyone had decided on a decent card and handed them over.

Kirby began to read the cards. "The class field trip was completely ruined by all of this blood."

"OK then... Someone was killed, or it was a full-out Slayer scenario," Snake mused, humming the main tune from Slayer's "Raining Blood" to himself.

"The class field trip was completely ruined by the gays," Kirby continued.

"Oh, shit!" Falco exclaimed.

Kirby read off more combinations. "The class field trip was completely ruined by the Kool-Aid Man."

Everyone started laughing at the card, picturing the bus trip going perfectly fine, until all of a sudden, the Kool-Aid Man busts through the roof with a resounding "oH yEAH!", killing a few students due to his body weight.

Kirby read the next few combinations. "The class field trip was completely ruined by friends who eat all the snacks. Y'know, that one actually makes sense... Your call, Pikachu."

"Pika," Pikachu said.

"OK, so he says 'The Kool-Aid Man' was the best one of the lot. And that one was mine, so yay for me!"

"Oh wow..." Samus said to herself.

"And for second place?"

"Pika pi."

"Alright, so he says 'Friends who eat all the snacks' is second place."

"Mine," Link declared.

"OK, now it's actually my turn." Kirby took off the top card from the black deck. "Look, son, if you want to get involved with *blank*, I won't stop you. Just steer clear of *blank*."

I have the perfect combo for this, Snake thought. It's true and funny at the same time.

The players submitted their cards. Kirby began to read off the combinations. "Look, son, if you want to get involved with this groovy new thing called LSD, I won't stop you. Just steer clear of seeing things from Hitler's perspective."

"Remember, kids. Winners don't use drugs, and for damn good reason. And now you know, and knowing is half the battle, G.I. Joe, whatever. I'm done," Snake snarked. "Seriously, though... But who am I to talk? I smoke two packs a day and spent every night drinking."

"Ok, then... Continuing on," Kirby said, blinking. "Look, son, if you want to get involved with the entire Internet, I won't stop you. Just steer clear of Nazis. Oh my God, our second Third Reich-related card in this round."

"It's true, though. In the last place you look, there will always be an Internet Nazi. They even have their own fucking Wikipedia clone," Snake grumbled. "Trust me, I did an operation seven years ago tracking these kinds of people down."

"OK. Next card! Look, son, if you want to get involved with a bus that will explode if it goes under 50 miles per hour, I won't stop you. Just steer clear of bouncing up and down."

"Why? Will the bouncing up and down trigger the explosion? Who's doing the bouncing, the bus or the passengers?" Link questioned.

"Well if you wanna get down to a technical standpoint," Falco began, "the motion of the bouncing could jolt the explosive into premature activation-"

"Do not question Cards Against Humanity," Samus interrupted. "Please continue, Kirby."

"Look, son, if you want to get involved with stuffing a child's face with Fun Dip until he starts having fun, I won't stop you. Just steer clear of quivering jowls. ... ...Look, son, if you want to get involved with forgetting the Alamo, I won't stop you. Just steer clear of the South. OK, I'm going with the entire Internet and Nazis for the winner."

"Mine," Snake said.

"And for second place, I'm going with the bus that explodes."

"OK, that one's mine," Link said.

And with that, the third round was finished. One could only imagine what sort of unbelievable combinations would await in the next round...

STANDINGS: Kirby - 4, Samus - 6, Pikachu - 6, Falco - 8, Link - 9, Snake - 10

*A/N: Don't forget to send in your card submissions! Please note that I am only accepting "official" cards (check for a full list).*