Adaline's shrill cry fills my ears, waking me up from a short sleep. I've been up every two hours, feeding her. My hands reach out for the baby phone on the nightstand to shut it off. I open my eyes as I feel my husbands hands on the baby phone shutting it off for me. His bright blue orbs look at me for a moment, before his lips curl into a smile.

"I'll go. She probably needs her diaper to be changed." he whispers as his fingers brush through my hair.

"What time is it?" I ask, withdrawing my hand. I could use a few more minutes of sleep.

"Six thirty."

I let my eyes dance down my husband's body. He's wearing a black shirt and Armani boxers. The v cut shirt is tight, hugging his ton d torso. Unlike me he doesn't look like he needs more sleep. I watch him walking out of the bedroom before I get up as well. A cold shower is what I need to feel awake. The sun is starting to rise I notice as strikes of light starts filling the bedroom and bathroom. I stripe out of my shirt and panties before I turn on the shower. Yawning, I step into the shower. I close the glass door before stepping under the rain shower head. Warm water splashes against my skin. I close my eyes before turning the water icy cold. I don't even shiver as I feel the icy cold water touching my skin. It feels like needles for a second. It makes me feel. I stand under the water for minutes until goosebumps starts covering my skin. Until my body starts showing any effect. Then I start washing my hair and my body. Not once do I turn the water into warm again. I turn the water off, squeeze the water of out my hair, wrap myself into a fluffy towel and feel just as sleepy as before. The sun is shining into the bathroom signalizing the brand new day. But I feel just as tired as the day before. And the day before that.

As I brush my teeth I stare at my reflection in the mirror. My skin looks pale and tired. My eyes are a bit bloodshot and I have bags under my eyes. I look as shitty as I feel. I spit out the toothpaste and wash my mouth as I hear Adaline's voice crying again. I close my eyes, sighing before I walk out of the bathroom. I see Troy standing next to the bed, holding her in her arms. They look wonderful, yet I am too tired to acknowledge it fully.

"She's hungry." he explains.

I nod, "Just give me a moment to get dressed." I mumble before disappearing in the closet. As I pick out my underwear and home wear, I hear my husband breathing behind me. I feel the warmth of his body behind my back, his eyes burning beneath my skin and his thoughts messing up mine. I get into my panties before turning around. He looks sorry and sexy. His warm hands rest on my shoulders, creating goosebumps on my skin.

"You showered under cold water." he notices before his fingers unwrap my body from the towel.

"Yes." I say as he hands me my shirt. I'm half-naked and I don't even feel any sexual tension between us. All I feel is tired. I can hear Adaline's voice in our bedroom. She's talking to us in a language we are not able to understand. I get into the shirt and into my shorts.

"Are you okay?" his voice is a whisper as he rests his forehead against mine. He is full of warmth, while I am icy cold. It's the contradiction we've always embodied. It's why we're so drawn to each other, yet there's nothing left of it. We're struggling because I am struggling. It's ironic how much we depend on each other when we used to be the most independent people.

"Yes. I am just tired." I whisper back as I feel his fingers fondling my cheek.

"Are you sure?"

I nod, "I'm okay."

I walk into the bedroom, seeing our daughter laying on the bed. She's awake, moving her hands and feet. I roll up the shirt as I get seated on the bed. I rest my body against the headboard of the bed before I start breastfeeding Adaline. As her lips start sucking on my nipple, I feel the sharp pain going through my body once more. I am nursing her. I shouldn't be in pain.

I look up from her, my eyes meeting Troy's. I can see his love for her and his inability to understand my feelings. I know what's coming next: he wants answers.

"How can you not love her?" he asks me, brushing through his hair before he gets seated across us.

I feel another sharp pain going through my body and tears start forming in my eyes. Unlike last time, I let the tears roll down my cheeks. I shrug, "I just do."

He shakes his head, "Then why are you crying?" He wipes away the tears from my cheeks.

"Because she makes me feel pain. And because you make me feel guilt."

"I just don't understand it. I don't want to judge you in any way."

"I know. But it's how I feel."

"I love you and I don't blame you."

I bite my lip as I feel pain in my nipple as well. "I love you too and someday I will love her as well. But right now…" I don't finish my sentence.

"I hate seeing you cry. " he breathes out for me as I give her the other breast, "This is so hard."

"Yes. But it's our life right now." I say as I feel his hand on mine.


I watch the white cup filling with brown gold, allowing my nostrils to get filled with the smell of coffee. Yawning I get out the milk from the fridge before putting it in both of our cups. The notes of Troy's ringing cellphone reach my ears and I know he's only a few meters away from me. I hear him taking the call and turn around only to watch him walking down the stairs and into our kitchen.

"No we're not interested in selling photos of our daughter. No matter the amount of money they offer." his voice is calm but I can see his stiff chin. Every since the news of Adaline's birth went public we get calls from newspapers every day. People, Elle, OK Magazine… they all called and offered a ridiculous amount of money. While some offered thousands, others offered more than 15 million pound. But no money can make up for the insane chase we're going to get when they're out. It's been quite a struggle with the paparazzi anyway, but thanks to Krimov we managed to not get photographed whenever we are out for a walk with her. Living outside of the City of London definitely has it's advantages. It was the right decision to move here.

I hear my husband sighing as he reaches the kitchen island. He has been on the phone with his assistant most mornings. While he may want to take a month off, his firm is not ready to give him up. A few hours a day he ends up on the phone. Either with his business partner or his assistant - or sometimes both. But I love having him in the house. He's more help I could ever wish for.

"Okay, I'll discuss it with my wife." he says before hanging up.

I hand him his cup of coffee and take a sip of mine. The sun is shining into our kitchen, creating a halo around my husband's silhouette. He calls me his angel when really he is mine. His white golden wedding band is shining as he takes a sip of his coffee. He looks happy, awake and breathtaking.

"What do you want to discuss with me?" I ask, leaning against the kitchen island.

"Forbes called apparently."

I frown, a business magazine called? "What do they want?"

"An interview paired with a photoshoot." he explains to me.

"Well Bolton's Enterprises could use the publicity. I mean, an article paired with some breathtaking pictures of the Bolton brothers… that issue is going to be a bestseller no doubt." I say, taking another sip.

"Not with Lucas. They want an interview with you and me."

I start choking on the coffee, "What?" Why the hell would they want that? I can understand tabloids asking for interviews, but Forbes?

"They want to interview us both. And it wouldn't just be a couple of photos… we would be the cover story. Of the August issue."

It's still April. They have roughly four months. "Why?"

"Entwined moguls: How the Boltons took the world within a year. That's the headline until they come up with something better."

"But why… Why me?"

He places the cup of coffee on the kitchen island before taking the cup out of my hands. "Because you are a Bolton and you took the business within a blink of an eye. Unfaithful records wrote black numbers within a few months - that's a huge success. And then there's Aching Hearts for which you've raised more than 10 million Pound last year - with just one concert! What you see is the hard work last year was, but other's see the glamour and the success you've had." his fingers fondle my cheeks.

"And then there was our wedding." I breathe out. The whole scandal surrounding our escape… the whole press chasing us. "Our union."

"Yes. With our wedding we entwined billions of pounds, which means we are one of the richest couple in business. The most successful and hardworking couple, yet one of the richest."

I bite my lip, "I don't like the idea of us on a cover on some magazine."

"Okay…" he trails off, resting his hands now on my hips, "We are on magazine covers daily. Rumors and photos of us going to work, going on dates… everything is being documented anyway. Why not take a little control?"

"I feel like we're fighting fire with fire here."

"Ever since we got together we've been in the spotlight. Side by side. Day by day. I think by doing this interview we get to position the spotlight in a way the public has never seen us before. What they see is glamour, money and success. But what they don't see is the hard work we're putting into our success."

"So you want to do it?"

His answer is a shrug, "My decision depends on your's. If you're not willing to do it, then we won't."

"I need to think about it more than five minutes. When do they need an answer?"

"Mid June."

I nod, "That's enough time."


"What movie do you want to watch?" The voice of my husband reaches my ears before his silhouette blocks my vision of the television. His hands place two glasses with white wine on the coffee table in front of the couch. Wine... he wants me to talk again.

I raise an eyebrow at him, "No pressure this time. Sometimes wine is just wine."

"Okay."

"Okay... so, which movie?"

He sits down next to me, "My sister's keeper." I answer, my eyes following his movements. If we're lucky, we get the whole two hours for us. If we're lucky, we have some time for us. If we're lucky...

"Why did you choose that movie?" He asks me as he places a blanket on my body before taking a sip of his wine.

"This morning after my shower... when you stood behind me in the closet... you watched me getting dressed. You wore that tight black shirt and the Armani briefs... feeling your hands on my shoulders..." I can see his mind remembering, "I felt nothing. There was no attraction. No sexual tension. There was nothing." His face frowns. "This is why I chose this movie. I want to feel. I need to feel. Anything."

Without another word he presses the play button on the remote control before pulling me into a hug. I rest my head on his chest, hearing his heartbeat clearer than the opening scene of my sister's keeper. I can hear his heart pumping blood through his body, I can feel his pulse, hear him breathing... I can feel his strong warm arms around my body, trying to comfort me. My nostrils get filled with his smell; a mixture of warm summer nights and blueberries. He smells wonderfully, he always has. My husband is the most comforting human on earth... yet I don't feel attracted to him.

I look up and catch his glance, "Troy," I start. I feel like I should say something to make him feel better.

He closes his eyes and inhales deeply, "Don't. Don't let us talk about it. I love you and you love me."

"It's the straw we hold on to right now, isn't it?"

His fingers brush through my hair, "I could kiss you dizzy. I could fuck you until you remember. But I can't make you feel. Not anymore. I don't want to talk about it because we're going in circles. Again and again. We end up saying I love you and deciding to push the problem away. We've been doing this for three weeks now. Even with Dr. Wyatt we have had no breakthrough yet. We have a routine. Let's stick to this routine." His thumb runs over my lower lip.

I sigh, "You most definitely can still hurt me."

"That's a start isn't it?" he jokes as we both burst out in laughter. It's the first time that we've laughed in a long time... I can't properly remember the last time I laughed. It feels good. It almost feels like I am letting go. I'm letting go of something I don't know.


A new chapter! I hope you liked it. Please review!

Xoxo