Aftershocks
It was happening again. Dru quickly leant one hand on the pillar in front of her to steady herself, whilst the other clasped at her chest and desperately tried to control her breathing.
'Just breathe. In. Out. In. Out. It'll pass.'
She repeated her little mantra and did just as she was telling herself. What she'd been telling herself to do for the last couple of weeks since her attacks started.
Once she got into a rhythm, she quickly looked about her, making sure no one could see her or what she was doing. It would do no good to have them worry over her for something as silly as her inability to control her sleeping pattern or the nightmares. Not that she'd seen anyone recently to tell them anything, but she still knew it would be a bother to them when they were all so busy. She shut her eyes and just concentrated on ridding herself of the sharp, tight pain in her chest.
Once the clean-up, restoration and rebuilding was fully underway, Dru had found herself on her own a lot more. Now that her wounds were healed, she thought she would be able to help out in Dale a lot more than she had done, but unfortunately, her hand had had other ideas. When she's tried to pick up one of the heavy boxes, she ended up damaging its contents when her hand had spasmed painfully and let it crash onto the floor below.
Oin had been very quick with his examination and brutally honest: the damage to her hand may be permanent. She would be unable to help with heavy manual labour or fighting for a while until she was able to exercise her hand and get it stronger.
So she was pretty much stuck with footwork and light labour, which meant she couldn't really stay by the others and be much use to anyone. It made her feel...well, useless.
Her mood soured a lot more when she found that out of everyone, Kili was the only other one who seemed to spend most of the time in the Mountain with her, still having issues with his leg. Whilst it was still cold, it seemed to aggravate his wound more and more, so he was stuck with his cane for the time being and couldn't really keep up with her.
Thorin, Fili and the rest of the company literally all had their own jobs and she could barely find them during the daytime. And by night, she didn't wish to disturb them.
At some point, they'd just...drifted apart. She'd see them some days, but not long enough to hold a proper discussion. Life was busy and that was great, but once she'd been left alone...then the nightmares had begun. She at first thought she could put up with them as she was, merely napping here and there whenever she got the chance and trying not to think about it. But the more she ignored them, the stronger and more vivid they got.
And then, her attacks had started happening. When she awoke from her dreams, she thought it was normal for the racing in her heart and breathing problems, even feeling a slight pain in her chest when the worst of them tried to take hold of her.
But then it started happening during the day. It terrified her when she was alone in the library and suddenly, she'd felt...strange. She'd stood up from her seat, the room around her spinning and her legs like jelly as she began to feel faint.
The pain in her chest grew tenfold to what it had been and she struggled to breathe. She felt hot and sweaty, even though the room was cool and as she crashed to the floor on her hand and knees, one hand clutched over where her heart was, she suddenly felt terrified. The same terror she'd felt when Azog had caught her and tortured her, three months ago.
Like something terrible was going to happen and she was powerless to stop it. It had taken fifteen minutes and deep breaths for her to stand again and reassure herself that everything would be all right.
Ori had come in a little after that and asked her if she was all right, stating, 'it's just...you look very tired and a little peaky?' before withdrawing into his book at the glare she'd sent him. She'd felt bad about that and quickly reassured him she was just suffering from a small cold.
That's what she'd been telling the others when they asked also, almost everyone noticing not only the slight change in her complexion but even her attitude. She'd looked in the mirror one day and barely recognised herself.
She DID look tired and even her sour expression threw her off and she began to concentrate in smiling again, though she never really felt it.
And now finally, leaning against the pillar and focusing on her breathing, she began to feel a little better again. The attacks were becoming more frequent, but she found she could shorten them if she just remembered her breathing.
"Dru?!"
A familiar voice got her attention and she looked about her, catching sight of Kili's approaching figure as he hurried to her.
Even with his cane, he'd still put on the speed when it was important.
She straightened herself up and took calming breaths, pretending to smooth out the fabric of her tunic as she smiled at him.
"Hi Ki'," she tried to sound as normal as she could muster, aware her face probably looked very red and sweaty as she felt it did.
Kili stood right in from of her, his face etched with worry.
"Piglet, are you all right?! You looked like you were in pain," he looked her up and down and she just waved her hands at him and laughed.
"Oh, a bit of indigestion, it's fine," she was suddenly aware of how loud her beating heart was and hoped Kili couldn't hear it also, "ate those bread rolls too quickly. What are you doing by the library? You're not a reader unless you're being ordered to read something up for the rebuild?"
Kili seemed to have taken the bait at her distraction.
"Thorin wants to see if we can find a book with the maps of the lower chambers. They're going to have different teams on different levels and assess the damage and repairs needed before we start inside," Kili smirked down at her with his cheeky grin, "Truthfully, I stopped listening after a while and when Thorin wanted someone to head over here, I took the-Piglet!"
She hadn't been able to stop the sudden wave of dizziness that fell over her as Kili began to talk. She toppled backwards and fell awkwardly against the pillar, her hand coming up to her chest as she tried to control her breathing.
Kili was immediately by her side, trying to hold her up by one hand whilst leaning against his cane.
She carefully pushed him away with her other hand and shook her head.
"No...no, it's fine just...it has to pass," she replied breathlessly and shut her eyes so she didn't have to see his panicked expression.
"Do you want me to get help?" He asked and she just shook her head.
He kindly didn't ask her any more questions during her concentration, but when the dizziness left and her breathing returned to normal, she found he was still standing there.
Kili had not wanted to leave her. He'd watched his little sister collapse against the pillar and her face screw up in concentration as she took deep breaths, clutching at her chest. He'd wanted to call for help, but even when he offered her assistance, she'd gently pushed him back.
He'd given her the space she needed and just watched her, making sure she did not worsen. When her eyes opened again and he finally was able to look at her, he noticed just how much more tired and drained she looked since seeing her the other day.
He wondered.
"Dru-"
She put her hand up in front of his face to shush him and gave him a shaky smile.
"It's fine. I'm just...I don't know what it is," she tried to laugh it off and lowered her hand to rest it on his arm, "it comes and goes...maybe I've got the blasted flu starting up...perhaps I should go to bed and rest."
Kili suddenly felt a little more protective over her casual dismissal of something that had seemed very serious.
"I think you should talk to Oin and let Thorin know-"
"No. You and I BOTH know they're too busy. I'll rest though and that'll do me something good. I promise," and she meant it, because her idea of resting was either lying in her bed or sitting in her chair with a book and not moving.
Kili was going to argue with her, but he thought about it. Resting WOULD be the most logical treatment and she wouldn't fall over if she was in her bed, surely?
If only he knew.
He sighed dejectedly, but suddenly became very stern and pointed his finger right at her.
"All right. BUT if you don't get better, you go to Oin and get him to look you over, promise?"
Dru actually managed a real smile as she watched her brother suddenly turn very protective towards her.
"I promise."
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Dru had indeed kept her promise and relieved herself off of her duties that day, retiring quickly to her rooms. She'd passed the time with what books she had and writing out her notes for Ori to look over, but a lot of the time, the words seem to blur for her and at some point, she no longer absorbed them.
In a fit of frustration, she bathed herself, washed her mane and spent the rest of the evening putting her hair into a neat and intricate bun so she could sleep during the night and not worry about getting too hot.
Evening came quickly and whilst she tried to fight the deep sleep, little naps here and there had not been sufficient enough. She got under her covers and stared up at the ceiling as her eyes grew heavy.
'Just...an hour or so. It'll be fine', she told herself and wanted to believe the words more than anything in the world.
But she was terrified of what she'd see when her eyes shut and her mind was pulled away from her, out of her control.
She didn't know when her exhaustion had won. She didn't even realise she'd shut her eyes. But the moment her dream began to form and shift like smoke in her mind, she already felt herself losing control and unable to pull herself back out.
The Snowstorm had returned. Fierce and biting cold, the wind whipped wildly around her and Dru held her hands in front of her face as elements stung at her broken and damaged skin, the snow battering her farther than Azog had done.
She walked on the slippery surface of the ice that separated the two parts of Ravenhill, but she could not see where she was going. When she held her hand out, she could barely see that through the snow.
Her foot caught on something. She stumbled and moved away, trying to see what it was. The snow seemed to freeze in it's falling and the sound of the wind stopped as she stared at the body below her.
Fili had been struck with an arrow, the tip embedded deep into his neck. His eyes were wide with horror and his lips parted as if he had died crying out.
Dru hurriedly stepped away, her feet leaving marks on the ice where she had stepped in his blood. Her mouth hung silently open as she tried to scream, but only small cries came out.
She turned away and saw Kili lying on his front, a spear protruding from his back.
The Snow was gone. Everything was clear.
And every single one of her friend's bodies was lying on the ice, horribly mangled and dead, their faces twisted in pain during their last moments alive.
She shut her eyes and felt her hands on top of her head her fingers digging into her scalp. But she didn't feel any pain.
"I couldn't save them. I couldn't save them!" She repeated to herself over and over again, her hands pushing down either side of her head, trying to feel anything that wasn't the pain in her heart.
Her eyes opened again and she couldn't move. She stood, frozen to the spot as she watched Thorin kneel a few metres from her, his eyes full of tears.
"Little one-"
Azog's blade came suddenly and swift and he cut off Thorin's head before he could finish the sentence.
His head flew through the air and landed at Dru's feet, his eyes still open. Still staring up at her.
Again, she couldn't scream, no matter how much she tried. A hoarse whine instead came from her before she suddenly felt lifted off of her feet and surrounded by many clawed hands.
She tried to fight them off, but they were too strong and too many.
They bound her by her hands and held her aloft. Her feet were tied to the floor below her. A gag placed in her mouth.
She was no longer on the ice, but in the tower, above on the high platform looking down.
Azog and his guards moved around her, but she did not focus on them. The bodies of her fallen friends had all gone. Instead, her family were standing on the rocks, waiting to cross.
They never made it.
Azog came by and with the signal of his horn, his beasts were released. All three were surrounded by Wargs and Dru could only cry out against her gag as they suddenly leapt on them. There were hundreds and within a matter of seconds, they disappeared beneath a bundle of many moving furs.
The hands were suddenly on her again and she felt the clothes off of her body ripped away, torn and leaving her naked before Azog.
He smirked at her and produced a small, metal implement from behind his back. Dru knew what it was, even though she had never seen it before. She remembered how Azog had called it 'The Spider'.
Dru had not been able to scream. She felt as though the breath was being torn from her very lungs when he placed the hooks either side of her breast and slowly pierced her with them.
Her body began to burn all over and she shut her eyes tight.
The pain vanished.
But Azog had not. Even with her eyes shut, she could still see him, standing in the darkness before her. Gone was Ravenhill. His guards. His torture devices.
She was bound in the darkness and Azog was with her.
His hand moved to the gag around her mouth and pulled it away. His hand cupped her entire jaw as he looked into her eyes.
'Let us hear your screams again.'
She felt his hand travel lower until it rested against her belly.
"Please. No." She managed to whimper out, but could not look away from his eyes.
His nails dug against her skin.
'Little Raaaat,' he began to laugh.
Her skin was broken and his hand was suddenly inside her belly.
She felt the pain as he tore away her muscle and flesh and she threw her head back and just tried to pull in a breath.
She couldn't breathe. She was suffocating.
Finally, his hand left her body and she sucked in a breath.
A small, shrill cry broke through the air.
She looked back at him.
He stepped away from her, his hand holding up a small and squealing child perched in his large palm. It was covered in blood and tried to wiggle free.
Finally, able to breathe Dru spoke.
"Please," Dru began to call as loud as she could, "Please! Stop it! PLEASE, STOP IT!"
Azog drew the babe closer to his mouth and smiled at her before baring his teeth.
"NO!" Her scream echoed around her and not wanting to watch, she shut her eyes tight, just as the hands returned on her skin and began to pull and grab at her.
She couldn't escape.
She was trapped.
Thorin had been resting peacefully when he heard the screams. He started awake and looked about him, trying to find the source.
A female was screaming and she was either terrified out of her wit's end or she was in terrible pain. And she was close.
'Dru.'
Thorin threw aside his heavy sheets and quickly rolled himself out of bed, now wide awake. He'd fallen asleep in his tunic and loose trousers again and didn't bother with slippers or boots as he crossed over his cold stone floor to the door that connected the chambers he and his niece shared.
He had promised Dru that he would never lock his side of the door, should she ever need him and as he turned the handle quickly and pulled it, he was pleased to find she hadn't locked her side either.
Her screams had not stopped when he had opened the door and as he moved around and found her in her bed, his heart seized up.
Her limbs were entangled in the sheets as if she'd been trying to get free and one of her arms was stretched out across her bed, trying desperately to reach for something only she could see. The other was tucked against her chest, her fist balled tightly above her heart.
Her hair had been tied back and he could see the tears streaming down her face and into her hairline as she cried out.
If it hadn't have been for the fact her eyes were still shut, Thorin would have assumed that she was awake and fighting against an invisible enemy.
But then again, she was.
He sat quickly on her bed and grabbed her shoulders, fighting her off briefly when her hand came up to bat him away.
"Dru," he pulled her towards him, trying to shake her awake, "Dru, you're dreaming, wake up!"
She did not wake up. She shook and screamed and even when he pulled her up closer and held her in his strong arms, she did not wake up.
Both her arms bunched around her chest and he could feel how fiercely she held them against herself.
"Dru," Thorin, unable to think of anything better to do, pulled her into a tight embrace and began to rock her back and forth, his tone gentle but loud, "Dru, I'm here. I'm here."
He repeated this mantra, eventually quietening down her shouts and wails until they were broken sobs.
He felt her tears against his neck and placed his hand behind her neck, rubbing what he hoped was soothing circles over her feverish and sweaty skin.
"Please. Please, make it stop." She whined pleadingly, breathing far too quickly for Thorin's liking.
"What is it? Dru, my girl, what's wrong?" Thorin shifted her weight and pulled her back to look at her.
Her hands were still held to her chest and whilst she had stopped shouting and screaming, her mouth opened and close as she gasped for her. Her eyes were wide and open with pure terror.
"My heart. It hurts." She began to sob again and she pushed herself back towards the comfort of Thorin's neck and he willingly held her close.
"Breathe slowly," he pried one of her hands away from her chest and placed it over his own heart, "breathe with me, please."
She seemed to be trying, but her other hand still held tightly over her chest, her clenched fist shaking from the overwhelming palpitations.
Thorin heard the thundering footsteps approaching before Dru's chamber door was open. Two figures stepped through but stopped as they gazed at the occupants of the room.
"Uncle?!" Fili, who had opened the door, was still clutching the handle and looked in confusion and concern at Thorin. He had managed to at least put on some slippers and a gown before coming.
"Fili," he looked sternly over at Fili, knowing the boy would protest about being sent away, "go get Oin. Now, she needs a healer."
Fili would have stayed. Thorin knew that, but when confronted with the idea that Dru was very sick, he merely nodded and hurried out again, his footsteps leaving just as fast as he'd arrived. Luckily, Oin was on the lower level apartments with his brother.
Kili, standing there in just a pair of loose trousers and slippers, walked forward. His lips were tight and his eyes shined with that familiar emotion that Thorin had recognised all those years ago when Dru had been attacked by the Warg.
"Is it her heart?" His voice shook as he stood in front of the bed.
Thorin surprised that Kili knew, nodded and watched as his nephew sat down on the sheet with a sigh, before questioning him.
"What do you know of this?"
Dru hadn't even seemed to notice her brothers arrival, her eyes were shut tightly as she tried to breathe and quell her sobbing.
"I saw her earlier," Kili glanced sadly at her and his hand itched to reach out and help hold her, "she told me...she told me it comes and goes...the pain in her chest. She said it might be the start of the flu and all she needed was rest. I thought...I thought the rest would help her."
Thorin, knowing this was all Kili knew, nodded at him and began to pull her away from him again.
"Help me sit her up."
Between them, they manoeuvred her into a seated position on the side of the bed. They moved around her to give her space. Thorin sat behind her, his hands flat against her upper and lower back.
Kili, despite the throb in his thigh, knelt in between her legs and his hands were tightly clasped around her wrists as she held them against her chest again.
"Dru, feel our hands," Thorin began to put pressure on and off her back, "I need you to try and breathe. There's nothing holding you down and you've got all the air to greedily drink in. Come on, breathe with us."
"Look at me," Kili's voice was surprisingly firm for his usual cheery self, "Look at me, Dru. Open your eyes and look at me."
Her eyes flickered back open and she gazed down at Kili, tears flowing out of her eyes unabashed.
"Ki," she managed to gasp out between breaths, "Ki, I'm scared."
"I know, so am I. But you've got to try to breathe and do what Thorin says, all right?" He nodded at her and smiled when she nodded back, "All right, just...do what we say and don't take your eyes off of me, all right."
With careful direction and instructions, Thorin and Kili had Dru take deep, slow breaths. Her hands unclenched from her chest and she began a more normal breathing pattern, in through her nose and out through her mouth.
Just as her tears began to stop, footsteps outside sounded again and not a minute later, Fili and Oin came walking in.
Without a word, the healer made his way over to the bed and sat down beside her.
"All right lass," Oin's hands reached out and carefully grabbed Dru's head, turning her away from Kili so he could take a look at her, "What's the matter? Where's the pain?"
Dru, still feeling Thorin's hands guiding her breathing so as not to lose the rhythm, took a deep breath in through her nose.
"My heart. It hurts in my chest. Oin, I can't breathe it hurts so bad."
Oin directed her through all the checks. He made her open her mouth and stick out her tongue so he could see her throat and mouth. He checked inside her ears, her eyes and eyelids, felt her temperature and finally, checked her pulse.
He counted for ten seconds.
"Lass, have you had a fright? Did something startle or scare you in the night?"
Dru whimpered and shut her eyes at the memory of her dream.
"My dream...my dream scared me." She felt foolish and like a little child, but she couldn't help it. The dream had been tormenting her for weeks and she just wanted it to stop.
Oin seemed to be content with this answer but needed more.
"What is it about?" Receiving no answer and instead he watched more tears fall from her eyes, he tried a different approach, "Is it about the journey? The monsters? The battle?"
She'd shaken her head to the first two, but on the last one, she just whimpered. Kili let her go as she shook him off and brought her hands up to her head. Her fists balled up and pressed against her head as she began to sob anew.
"You're all dead."
No one said anything. Thorin stilled his hands as he felt her cry again and Kili just stared up at her in horror. Oin released her face and looked at her, his face blank as he listened.
"You're all gone and-and dead. Azog-Azog is there and-Ah!" Dru's hands went to her chest again and she keeled forward, Kili grabbing her before she had a chance to fall and Thorin gripping onto her shoulders to pull her back.
"Easy lass, easy," Oin reached into his medicine pouch that had been hastily looped to the belt of his dressing gown, "no need to work yourself up again."
Fili had not said a single word since he'd stepped into the room again. He was watching with that sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach as Dru shook and clutched at her chest, in visible pain. Her breathing had at least returned to normal.
"What can I do?" He voice was husky and thick with emotion when he called to Oin, but received no reply so he tried a little louder, "Is there something I can do?"
Oin cast a disparaging glance over his shoulder as he reached inside his pouch and began to pull all sorts of bottles and pots out, searching for something.
"Aye, go fill up your sister a glass of water."
He did just that, making his way over to her table where she always had her mug and water by her book.
"Ah, gotcha!" Oin held up a pale green bottle in his hands and uncorked it, "this will help you rest lass, just a small drop in your water and you'll sleep-"
"No!" Dru gasped out and looked at Oin with tear stained cheeks, "I can't see them anymore, please."
Oin accepted the mug from Fili and began to measure out two drops carefully, with a small smile on his face.
"It's Dreamless drought," he looked at her with a kind but firm eye, "you will sleep and NOT dream a jot tonight, I promise you. Will you try it now, lass?"
Dru seemed a little hesitant at first, but it was Fili who pushed the matter. He took the mug back from Oin and moved between him and his brother on the floor. He squatted down until he could look up into her face and held the cup in front of her.
"I won't let you dream for long if they do return," he pressed the cup closer to her so it was before her mouth, but not quite touching her, "I promise. I promise, Dru."
Dru looked into his eyes and saw the sincerity in him. She trusted him, no matter what.
She leant forward and allowed him to press the cup to her lips and she took careful sips as she breathed in through her nose, ignoring the strange, minty taste it left on her tongue.
When it was all gone and Dru let the cup leave her lips, she suddenly felt overwhelmed by...everything.
Her head bowed low so she couldn't see any of them, fresh tears fell and her lips quivered as she said in a quiet voice, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry everyone. I didn't-I didn't mean to worry you."
Kili's form suddenly filled her vision and his strong arms wrapped around her back and pulled her close to him. She laid her head against his shoulder and her hands came up to weakly hold him by his naked forearms.
"Piglet, don't worry about it. Please," she'd never heard him sound so sad and it broke her heart to know she was the cause of it, "just rest for tonight and don't worry."
He pulled away from her and his hand came up to rest against her cheek, his thumb brushing away her tears.
"Please?"
His little please pulled at her sore heart and she nodded. She'd rest for tonight and apologise more tomorrow. He pulled away from her and she felt Thorin move from where he was, his hands gently resting on her shoulders now to ease her back down to her pillow. She didn't fight him.
As she laid herself down, she couldn't even find it in herself to be shameful that she'd worried them all so much. She just was pleased her breath was her own to control and the pain had subsided once again.
And just before her eyes shut and she found a pair of blue eyes gazing at her, she found herself relaxing as she allowed herself off.
Thorin was the one to pull the covers over her when she shut her eyes. He moved about her and the others noticed how he fussed a little like Dis would, making sure she was tucked in, that her hair was all out of her face.
He pressed a gentle kiss against her forehead and when she didn't stir, he moved away and bid the others follow him.
They moved to the farthest end of the room, Thorin's arms folded as he looked at Oin and asked simply, "What is it that ails her?"
Oin had just gotten his hearing horn in time and rolled his eyes at Thorin, forgetting for the moment that this was his King.
"Is it not obvious to you?" He looked back over his shoulder to ensure she was still fast asleep, before turning back to Thorin, "She's exhausted. And with everything we've all been through, it's no surprise she's having night terrors and attacks of the nerves. My father got it after fighting. Mother couldn't sleep in the same bed as him some nights as he'd accidentally strike out at her."
Kili's frown deepened as he glanced between his sister's sleeping figure and Oin.
"Is there a cure?"
"Cure for nerves? No, Lad. This," he let out a long sigh, "this is something I can't cure for her. Though what might help is talking to people she trusts the most," he looked at them all and raised his brows, daring them to speak out against what he thought was a suitable treatment, "she won't wake until the morning, I'll be back then to check on her."
Oin turned to leave, but pointed at them all with a stern warning,
"Try to get some sleep yourselves. She won't be troubled by any dreams and will rest peacefully, but she will be troubled to know you all stayed up on her account."
As he walked towards the main door, all three stood and looked at one another, but it was Fili who spoke first.
"I promised her I would wake her if something bad happens," he turned to Dru and felt a tug at his heart at her small form, "I'll stay."
Thorin and Kili seemed content with this, each one offering advice and urging Fili to come to get them if anything changed. They both left with their own quiet goodbyes to Dru, Thorin lingering a little longer to whisper something into her ear.
Both Fili and Kili pretended to ignore the hushed, 'sleep well, my girl,' before Thorin left and shut the door between the chambers.
Kili shut the main door behind him and Fili suddenly felt a whole new bundle of emotions come over him. He took his own deep and calming breaths as he'd watched Dru do the same and made his way over to her sleeping figure.
Her eyes were slightly red from her crying, but otherwise, her skin was pale white. He sat down beside her and looked her over and finally noticed how tired she looked.
When did she start looking so tired and ill? Had he really been so caught up with everything he had not noticed her distress?
Not wanting to sleep in the chair by her bed, he knew she wouldn't mind his presence next to her. As he laid his body above the covers and got comfy, he was pleased he'd had the sense to put on his dressing gown for warmth.
When he'd heard shouts and cries, he hadn't been sure where it was coming from at first, nor did he recognise who it belonged to from his chambers in the level up. He'd dressed in a hurry and walked out of his door to meet Kili, who'd neglected his cane and listened with him. They both instantly recognised the cries to be female and they only knew Dru to sleep in the levels below, any female guards or volunteers allocated elsewhere.
Fili put his arms around her and even in her deep sleep, she went willingly to him, her head nuzzling against his chest.
"I love you," he whispered to the top of her head and whilst he knew it was the coward's way to confess, he hoped that it didn't trouble her too much as she slept, "I wish I could tell you to your face. But no matter what...I'm here. I'll always be here when you need me."
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Aftershocks P2
Dru could have sworn she only shut her eyes for a few seconds, letting the wave of sleep pull her down, but when she opened them again it was...lighter in her room. And not from the torches or braziers or even the fireplace. It had become day.
And she felt well rested and light for the first time in weeks.
And the mattress beneath her was warm and breathing-
'Wait.'
Blinking the last dredges of sleep from her eyes, she turned to find a familiar face looking down at her, his strong arms wrapped around her like a protective cocoon.
He smiled at her and she returned the gesture, wondering how it was she was so lucky to have him in her life. And how she'd come to be wrapped in his arms.
"Mornin'," was his greeting and despite both of them being awake now, his arms did not move from her. He was reluctant to let her go and to be honest, she wasn't complaining.
"Mornin'," was her reply and she looked away from him again. She was far too comfy and relaxed to ruin the moment, but still had to ask, "what time is it?"
"Just gone breakfast," he shifted against her and gave her a slight squeeze, "are you up to eat? You can stay here and I'll get you some food if you want?"
His concern made her empty stomach do a nervous flip.
Slowly, Dru disentangled herself from his arms and sat up to look down at him. He didn't look mad, nor did he seem to have a pitying look in his eyes but she could tell he still had that worry she'd seen last night.
She felt awful.
"I'm sorry," her hands still lay against the fabric of his arm and she began to absently play with it, her guilt laying heavily over her head, "I didn't mean to worry you all. I just-I couldn't wake up. I-I was scared."
Fili pushed himself up to sit with her and squinted.
"Why are you apologising? You have NOTHING to be sorry for."
"But-" she made to turn away from his intense eyes but stopped when he reached for her.
Fili held her face securely in his hands and made her look at him.
"I'm your brother," his eyes bore into hers and she saw a little spark in his eye, his amusement trying to win her back over, "it's in my nature to worry about my little sister. Even if she is a pain in the backside."
One of his thumbs came up and pressed against the tip of her nose, rolling into a couple of times before he got her desired response. She laughed at him and shoved him away.
"Bugger off, ya' bully!"
Her hands swiped out at him a couple of times, but he easily caught them in his grasp and soon, had her pulled back up against him again.
"See, pain in the backside. Proven point."
His grip suddenly softened around her and whilst she could have taken the chance to shove him away again and tackle him to the bed, she instead pressed herself against his chest, his head coming to rest atop her curls.
"I love you, Fi'," she held onto him and whilst she meant her love for him was sincere, it was more of the love she'd always had for him. The love that had been there when they grew up together. She wasn't confessing just yet, it wasn't the right time.
"I love you too," Fili pressed another kiss against the top of her head and shut his eyes. The weight of her words lay heavily on him and whilst she hadn't realised the effect it had on Fili, he felt it deep within his being.
"Come on, up you get," Fili reluctantly pulled back and smirked at her, "best get dressed and face the music...I think we best go talk to Thorin and Kili...if you want?"
Whilst Dru felt slightly sick at the thought, she knew it was for the best. She did want to talk to them. She just hoped she would stumble over her words in trying to explain her feelings.
"I do. I'd like that, very much."
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Dru sat nervously on her chair, her feet tucked underneath her and her hands fiddling with a ring she'd found from one her mother's jewellery boxes. She wasn't meaning to be rude, but every time she looked at the concerned faces above her, she suddenly got a whole new wave of fear rush over her and found she couldn't talk after all.
'They're not here to judge you and they're not going to push you. So just...bloody talk!'
She raised her eyes again to meet Fili's serious face, but she recognised the glint in his eyes. He was a little amused at her unusual quiet state, but then again he'd spent the night the morning with her, prepping her up with a very positive speech.
Though she had spent most of the time scoffing down rolls and cheeses, preparing herself for the meeting. She wasn't sure of what she was going to say but had a feeling apologising profusely and trying to play it off as a one-off thing really wasn't going to go down well.
Still, she trusted these men. They were the only ones she'd trust with her life and despite wanting to keep what she had been experiencing to herself, she knew that wouldn't help her.
'At least it's not just Oin.'
She'd imagined a scenario in which she'd been talking to the healer and whilst they were friends, she didn't feel entirely comfortable pouring out her feelings for him.
She looked around at the other two and gave weak smiles to both of them. Thorin sitting directly across from her at the top of the table and Kili being the closest to her, his chair pushed out so he could turn and face her.
Once they'd all been seated and gotten comfy, no one had said anything. It was an awkward minute of silence.
They were all, in fact, waiting for her to talk about the severity of her condition, but Thorin tried to ease her nerves.
"How do you feel today?" His hands were clasped together on the table in front of him and his tone was as gentle as it always was with her.
"Rested...a bit better," that wasn't a lie, the drought having worked for that night and allowing her some rest and respite, "remind me to thank Oin again."
Another moment of silence passed, everyone unsure of what to say now.
"When I saw you the other day," Kili broke the quiet and looked a little guilty at not seeing the signs then and there that something was seriously wrong, "against the pillar...it wasn't the first time it happened for you?"
She shook her head.
"No, I-I started feeling strange a couple of weeks ago. Bad dreams and then...well, you saw."
"Can you tell us what happens?" Thorin tried not to remember the pain he felt when he held her crying and screaming form. He'd only felt such terror before when she almost died twice in his arms and he didn't care for any more repeats, "It may help. If not, that's all right also."
Dru nodded and knew that the window for her to shut them out and leave was always open for her. They would not keep her there if she did not want it.
So she tried her best to explain everything.
"It's like...it's like a hand suddenly grabs and squeezes and just won't let go until I force it off," her hand came over her chest and demonstrated with the action of balling into it a fist, "then it leaves for a while and comes back again. I can't breathe. I get flustered and sweaty and...scared."
"Scared?" Fili questioned that and she hoped she could convey what she meant, without sounding too foolish.
"Terrified really. Like I have no control and something terrible is going to happen and I won't be able to stop it," her breathing picked up a little at the reminder of how she'd been feeling and Thorin immediately caught her attention with a plea, "Please. Take your time."
Dru nodded and shut her eyes, concentrating on her breathing again. After a few moments, she relaxed again and looked back into their faces, seeing no impatience for her to carry on talking.
"I don't know why I'm scared. I'm here and I shouldn't be, but it's a feeling...it's just there and I thought I could put up with it," she looked a little shamefaced and back at the ring she was twiddling on her fingers, "apparently not."
"Why didn't you tell us?" Fili didn't sound accusatory, just concerned (as she'd expected).
"I didn't want to worry you. And I couldn't...I've-we've been busy," she flushed when she realised she'd allowed her health to be affected just because she felt she couldn't find them to talk about it, "it was hard and I didn't want to take you away from your important jobs just because of some nightmares," she shrugged and thought about it some more.
"We're royalty now," she let out a humourless chuckle at the thought, "I can't expect everything to remain the same and that we will always be close by one another. King and Princes' duties don't stop because of bad dreams."
"Last night, you said," Thorin paused and licked his lips, remembering her exact description of what she'd seen, "that we were dead. That Azog was there with you. Can you tell us your dreams?"
She didn't want to. Not because she felt uncomfortable telling them the dreams, but because of what she'd seen. She'd never told them exactly what Azog had done to her, nor had they pushed her for it and they never knew the sacrifice that had been made. Only Fili knew the depths of her sorrow.
She didn't speak for a while, looking down at her hands and trying to find the courage to say 'no', when Kili said something that surprised them all.
"I dream about dying all the time."
Three heads snapped to attention, looking at him in surprise, but he continued.
"I remember how I felt in Lake-Town. The pain. The fear. Sometimes I dream I'm still there, but I'm all alone and no one is coming to help me. You all leave for the Mountain and I-I get left behind to die."
No one said anything straight away. but Dru suddenly wanted to move and hug her brother more than anything in the world. Thorin cleared his throat and they all turned to him.
"Some days I worry. I worry that-that I shan't be able to control the sickness as I do right now," his eyes flickered briefly to Dru's and she saw the real fear he held, "some nights I dream of the madness. I dream that I am alone in the Mountain, surrounded by the gold as it slowly engulfs me. Other nights-other nights-"
She saw the way his hands tightened around themselves and she leant forward, her feet landing on the floor and her palms face down on the table.
"You don't have to if you don't want to," they'd given her the same courtesy and she didn't want them to force their stories out of themselves, just to make her comfortable, "please don't force yourself."
Thorin's gaze returned to hers, but he shook his head.
"I want to...other nights, I watch the battle unfold before me. I stand alone on the balcony and can do nothing but watch you all fight. And fall, one by one."
Dru felt tears fall down her cheeks and quickly brushed them aside. Quietly, everyone turned to Fili and waited. He seemed to think for a moment, his eyes glazing over before he spoke.
"I'm at Ravenhill. I'm fighting every single Orc, Troll and Goblin that crosses my path and I can't find anyone. I don't always know who I'm looking for sometimes, but I'm just...fighting. And then," his eyes moved to Dru and she saw the tears that he wouldn't let fall in front of the others, "I see you there. Standing at the tower and firing arrow after arrow at each of the enemies. But no matter how hard I try to run, I can't reach you. Sometimes I wake up still running and sometimes...I see you fall. Azog behind you."
He hurriedly bowed his head and hid the tear that escaped, his own hands clutching one another and shaking with the ferocity of his own strength.
Dru allowed her tears to run free.
"I'm in the snow. I can't see everything at first and sometimes, the dream changes but-but I always find you lot," she shut her eyes and the images danced across her vision, "you're all gone and it's my fault. Because-because I couldn't save you. And then...Azog comes and he's got me bound. When he had me there, he told me his plans...he was going to hang me out of the tower and use me as bait. But they told me...they told me I was already going to be dead by the time you came to find me."
She opened her eyes again when she felt a hand cover hers and found Kili looking at her, his eyes full of sorrow at what she'd gone through. She avoided his eyes when she had to continue, but turned her hand over to squeeze his fingers, wanting him to know that his comfort was welcomed.
"He makes me watch you lot come to the tower to find me...and his Wargs attack and you all disappear. And then...and then he hurts me again," her other arm held itself tightly against her stomach and whilst Thorin and Kili saw it as a sign of her wanting to hug herself and keep safe, only Fili understood.
"And I usually wake myself up at that point, but last night I couldn't. I couldn't even hear you," she looked at Thorin, her lips quivering as she remembered his strong grip on her arms, "but I felt you. I thought it was the hands grabbing at me, but I felt your arms around me and knew I was safe. But I still couldn't breath."
Kili let her hand slip from him as she used her sleeve to dry her tears and wipe her nose.
"I didn't know-I didn't know you've all been getting them too. If I did, I would have asked."
Thorin gave her a warm, small smile.
"I think we all have trouble sleeping...we just cope with it in different ways," he leant back against his chair his hands falling into his lap with a 'clap' sound, "I won't always be able to return to sleep, so I go for walks. I explore the Mountain parts I remember and some parts I don't. I've done this until sunrise and returned to my rooms to make it look like I've been sleeping."
"I have a flagon of Ale some nights," Fili confessed, raising his head again once he had control over his emotions, "it doesn't always stop the dreams, but it does help me sleep. Makes me feel like death the next morning, but I'm rested enough."
Kili looked slightly sheepish and despite the severity of the conversation, seemed to develop a quick blush.
"I can't really go for walks or drink when Oin insists I take his bloody medicine but...I write everything down. Even if it's not that exciting, I write it all down in a letter."
Dru had a feeling she knew who the letter was to.
"Is it to a friend?"
They both shared a knowing look and she could actually return the smile, feeling just a little better when she thought of how her big brother loved his Elf maid.
"Yeah...it helps," he let out a small chuckle, knowing he'd be teased for it another day. Whether by Dru, Fili or both, he didn't mind.
"So...you're not alone in this," Fili looked around the small group and realised something, "I don't think it's just us. I know...I know you don't want to talk to the others about it, but if you do change your mind, I think you'll find we all have nightmares and there are different ways of coping with them. I might ask, but...I'll do it for my benefit. Not to force you into it."
"Dru."
She looked at Thorin, whose eyes were not stern and his voice open and vulnerable as he said, "if you want to talk, we're all here for you. And...I would like very much to have us meet, just like this. Just to sit down and talk about anything, whether or not we are suffering from bad dreams. Regardless of our duties, we're family. That is more important than any title, crown or fortune within this Mountain."
Dru looked around and for the first time in weeks, felt a weight shifted off of her shoulders. She truly knew that Thorin would stick to his promise.
"Thank you."
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She was walking back towards her rooms, alone and deep in thought when she felt a hand gently grab her wrist and make her turn.
Fili looked down at her, his eyes burning into hers and she wondered what it was she could have done wrong.
They'd talked a bit more in the library, but everything seemed a lot more at ease than when they'd walked in and they parted with the promise to talk again later, Thorin even promising to come to see Dru in her chambers as he'd done so many weeks ago.
But looking at Fili now...her stomach somersaulted and her heart began to thump wildly again. He was so close and a wild thought crossed her mind, that he would suddenly bend down and kiss her the way she'd wanted him to for so long. That he would hold her close against his body and his mouth would move against hers with such ferocity, her worries and nightmares would fly away.
But his eyes softened and he asked,
"The dreams...there's something you couldn't say in front of the others."
Dru looked away from his eyes and felt a new swell in her chest, the romantic image fleeing her mind just as quickly as it had flown in.
She nodded, refusing to meet his gaze.
"If you don't want to I'll understand," Fili's lips leaned in closer and she felt his breath ghost over her brow, "but if you can...please."
Dru felt herself begin to cry again, quickly looking around the archway to see if they would be heard or seen. She pulled him closer to the corner, her hands holding the front of his coat tightly as she stared at his chest.
"You told me not to blame myself and I try, but my dreams-in my dreams he's got the babe and I can never save them," her tears fell as she finally managed to look into his face, her face contorting in pain, "he's got our babe and I can do nothing but watch as he-as he-"
Her sobs prevented her from going any farther and she buried her face into his neck, feeling his arms come around her back and hold her close.
She stayed that way, allowing the feelings of sorrow and loss to finally pour out of her after so long keeping them bundled up. She'd hid the dreams from him especially because she didn't want him to suffer her loss, but he surprised her with his next confession.
"Three weeks ago...I dreamt that we got separated in battle and when I came to find you...you were in the Mountain in your room and... with the babe in your arms. But you couldn't hear or see me. You were crying by yourself as the Orcs came and tried to break down the door, but...you didn't know what to do. You couldn't fight and the babe was screaming and when they came, I couldn't," she pulled away when he choked on his own sob, seeing tears streaming down his cheeks, "I couldn't fight them all. I heard you both screaming and crying and I-I couldn't-"
Her hands suddenly grabbed his face and she pressed feverish kisses against his lips and cheeks.
"I'm sorry," she managed to cry out between kisses, "I'm sorry. I didn't think-you have to go through it too. I never asked. I'm sorry."
Fili welcomed the kisses and began to return them the best he could, though he avoided kissing her back on the lips. He knew if he did kiss her, he'd want to deepen it and not let her go.
Their foreheads pressed together and they both shut their eyes, finally accepting one another's help in their united grief and loss. They said no more as they just held onto one another. Even when the tears stopped and they began to walk back to Dru's chambers, they still held onto one another and didn't say a word. They didn't need to.
But whilst Dru was quietly pondering her thoughts on what they had just talked about, Fili was already decided that he wouldn't let her suffer another nightmare tonight. But he might need some help in convincing her...
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"...what are you two doing in here?!" Dru stopped so suddenly in the room, she actually had to stop her body from carrying forward with the momentum, stumbling to regain her balance.
Dru had left the comfort of her bath, thankful that she'd dressed in her nightdress and gown in there to find two intruders in her room, not there when she'd left to bathe.
Fili and Kili were lounging on her bed, in their new nightshirts and trousers and looking a little too pleased with themselves.
"Waiting for you, Toad," Kili gave her a look as if to say, 'silly question' but she just rolled her eyes at him.
"Don't you two know to knock when you enter a lady's room?" Dru threw her towels and linens on the chair as she wondered over to them, puzzled over the sight of their dressing gowns and slippers piled on her bedside table, "make yourselves at home why don't you!"
"I didn't know a lady resided in here," Kili shot Fili a puzzled expression, "did you?"
"No, can't say I ever met a lady...Oh, wait! I know who she means," Fili turned his attention back to Dru and smirked, "she's talking about Mam! But I didn't know she was here already? You never told us, Piglet!"
"Hah. Hah," she retorted with her hands on her hips and a scowl on her face, "what do you two want? Spit it out so I can answer it and then kick your backsides out of here."
"Oh, we're not leaving."
Dru blinked at Kili a couple of times, but before she could say 'excuse me?' Fili got her attention.
"We're sleeping in here tonight. All of us."
Dru had a feeling she already knew the answer, but still asked, "why?"
"Because you need a peaceful nights rest that doesn't depend on dreamless drought," Kili gestured to the bottle on the table, next to the already full jug of water and cup, "and because you couldn't wake yourself last night, we'll wake you."
Dru suddenly felt like she would start crying again, though she wasn't sad. Far from it.
"Look, even brought down our own pillows AND an extra blanket," Fili waved his hand over the simple knitted item, that had been a gift from Tilda and Sigrid, "because you're a cover stealer."
Dru put her lips to her mouth as she laughed, though she felt a tear spill out of her eye before she could stop it.
"It's not going to be permanent but-" Kili started off and Fili seemed a little too quick to carry on, so she had a feeling they may have rehearsed the next few lines before she'd entered.
"If it helps you get better, then we don't mind sharing a bed with you again-"
"Even if we have to put up with the snoring-"
"The kicking-"
"The sleeptalking-"
"The drooling-"
Dru finally moved forward and sprung up onto the bed, diving on Kili and wrapping her arms around his waist.
"You Dunderheads!"
They rolled around until Kili threatened to make her fall off the side of the bed, Dru clinging onto him and laughing for the first time in...well, weeks.
As she held onto Kili tightly, she caught sight of Fili over his shoulder. His eyes were warm as he smiled at him and she couldn't help but mouth 'thank you' at him for what they were trying to do to help her.
"Bloody pair of gits," she squawked as Kili awkwardly pulled her back over him so she lay in the middle of them both, "you're a great, big pair of sweet gits!"
They seemed content to agree with that comment and quickly settled themselves down either side of her. She wasn't sure where to look, so she lay on her back and shut her eyes, just feeling them next to her.
Her hands came out and both of them were suddenly full with her brothers'. She found herself ready to face sleep and her dreams. If not just for herself, but for the two either side of her, that would protect her.
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"Heads up! Low beam!" Dru quickly moved out of the way at Bofur's shout, snapping her attention back to the work happening around her. He and Nori moved by her, carrying a large wooden beam over their shoulders and throwing her a smile as they went.
Just seeing them hard at work made butterflies stir in her stomach, knowing it really was paying off. She couldn't wait to get stuck in herself and help somehow.
The few days she'd spent with Fili and Kili sleeping by her side had helped immensely. When she did have a nightmare, one or the other would always wake her and as soon as saw she was safe, her breathing calmed down quicker and the pain in her chest lessened. If sleep did not claim her straight away after that, Kili would talk to her in hushed tones about Tauriel and life as it was now in Mirkwood or Fili would just hold her and press kisses against her face until she fell asleep. She swore she felt his lips press against hers a couple of times, but she'd put that down to wishful thinking and her brain playing tricks on her.
She hadn't expected Thorin to come to her so early in the morning that day and ask her to ready herself for a short journey. She barely had time to kick her brothers up and out of her room, bathe and dress before she was at the entrance. Thankfully, Bombur was there with breakfast for her and she shovelled a cheese sandwich into her face so quickly, even he was surprised by her ferocity.
Over half the company had chosen to ride with Thorin that day and offer their services in helping with what Dru liked to call 'the big clean-up'.
That's how she found herself a few hours later, standing amongst the 'chaos' of Dale.
It wasn't really chaos as much as it was hectic.
People were bustling about the place, laughing and talking loudly to one another about the weather, new shipments in from Mirkwood and trading farming and repair tips.
Dru was just surprised by the speed the damage of both a Dragon and Orc attack had been reversed. The debris had cleaned away and whatever rubble they could use again, they ground down and turned it new, creating walls and homes from the old.
The rooftops had been patched and mended and Dru could still see tall and slim figures, elegantly jumping from one building to another, testing the craftsmanship they had perfected.
The walls around the town had been cleaned or built or repainted, the scorch marks practically are gone, so only the reminder of the attack lay in people's memories.
Only a few houses in the lower quarters remained untouched, but both Bard and Thorin were concerned about the fragility of the structures there. Some buildings may have to have been torn down completely before they could build them back safely.
Though they felt no need to rush just yet, as there were plenty of homes for every person and Thorin had even opened the apartments and homes in Erebor for those that needed it.
But it was not needed, as the town was almost complete.
And all because people had pulled together. No, not just people. Not just humans. Dwarves and Elves had helped. Thranduil had actually allowed most of his kind to stay behind and help, their swiftness and own strengths being a massive help.
Dru had a feeling this may have been to do with his son and Tauriel's close relationship and she just wondered what he thought about Kili.
If he knew about Kili.
"Dru!" A familiar voice called to her from amongst the crowds and Dru turned about and spotted a little figure running towards her, her arms open wide.
"Tilda!" Dru quickly ran to the girl and accepted her hug, showing off her strength as she lifted the laughing child off the ground and swung her about. She may have been taller, but Dru was still a Dwarf after all and Dwarves were renowned for their strength.
As she placed Tilda back onto her feet, Sigrid appeared at her side and greeted her a lot more calmly, offering her a small hug and bowing her head.
Dru just rolled her eyes.
"Sigrid, don't bow your bloody head," Dru smirked as the elder sister scowled down at her, "if you do, I'll keep teaching Tilda bad words."
Tilda didn't seem to mind this and pulled Dru along through the crowds, Sigrid close behind.
"Have you come to help today? Only we asked the King if we could have you and he said he'd ask, but I don't think he's asked you yet as you didn't know-"
Tilda was off on one of her long tangents again and whilst she talked and chattered in front, Sigrid leant down to Dru and whispered, "Tilda would like you to give us a hand with the garden. Did Thorin not ask you yet?"
Thorin HAD asked her something earlier, but Dru had been a bit distracted when her pony tried to eat her hair. She'd thought she caught him smirking and merely said, 'Yes, of course' to whatever it is, before she rescued her curls from Mustardseed's mouth.
"Well," Dru thought it best to be truthful, "I don't actually really know anything about gardens-"
Tilda suddenly stopped and looked at her, a big smile on her face.
"It's not a garden full of flowers or anything, we're making our own little farm!" She clapped her hands excitedly, "We've already prepared the ground, but we just need help planning everything before we sew-"
"Tilda wants to plant the rockets next to the spring onions and I told her-" the sibling bickering began and Dru could only go back and forth between them as quickly as she could, reminded of Fili and Kili's own fights.
"SHE said it was a bad idea because of...what was the word?" Tilda's brow furrowed as she looked up at her sister.
"You might destroy the crops if you put the wrong thing next to one another. 'Contamination'."
Tilda nodded and looked back at Dru.
"Yes, that one."
Dru repeated herself again, though amended her sentence slightly.
"Well, I don't KNOW much about gardening," she scratched at her nose thoughtfully, "but there are books in our library I could bring down and we could read up together."
Tilda's mind suddenly went elsewhere and she spoke in hushed tones when she asked Dru, "Do you have any books about Princesses?"
"I'm sure there are tons in there. Real ones or story ones?" Dru smirked, knowing the answer before Tilda even said it.
"Both! And do any have pictures?"
"I'll have a look for you, I promise."
Tilda, satisfied with her promise, carried on pulling Dru towards her new home with her sister by their side and chatting to Dru about the repairs that needed to be done.
But Dru's mind kept wondering to the books and any plans she might think would be helpful to them. If they were making a garden, they'd need different plots and maybe even little signs so they could remember what they planted and where?
She felt extremely excited at the prospect of not only being helpful again but escaping the mountain for a few days. Sure, her knees and back would be sore from any sewing and raking the ground that needed to be done when it came to it, but it would mean her hands would only get dirty rather than sore. Oin would not be able to say one bad thing about that.
Over the next few weeks, when her brother's sleepovers lessened and she found herself alone again, she didn't mind as much as before. She was keeping busy, her nightmares were controllable and her attacks were not as common as before. And Thorin HAD kept his promise and now, almost every other day, He, Dru Fili, Kili and sometimes one or two of the others would all sit in the library and talk. Whether about dreams, work progress or anything outside of the mountain that had their attention.
Sometimes Dru was left alone when she wanted the company of others, but she was all right with it.
'Not everyone can be by your side, but that doesn't mean they don't care about you. It'll be ok.'
