Listened to Godspeed You Black Emperor – East Hastings

Forgotten 3

I feel like the world has suddenly gone dark. She can't possibly mean what she just said. This has to be some sort of trick, a game being played by the God's, or Ares. The fear in her eyes seems to explode as I stand, pushing through the pain I feel. Something has been feeling wrong this whole time. Why can't I remember what happened? Not even a little spec of a memory, everything is gone.

Should I play along for now? I need to figure out the truth. She's not dead, I would be able to feel it deep down within me. What I feel is that she's alive, Gabrielle is alive. I'm going to hold on the that feeling no matter what they tell me but I will give them the reaction they want. They want anger and devastation.

My eyes narrow at my mother. If that's who she even really is. It's not hard to feel the pain of losing Gabrielle, I can imagine it all to easily as I have felt it before. I limp to the table, grasping the edge until it crumbles in my hand. Then I toss the entire table across the room as if it was nothing but a child's toy. The woman portraying my mother gasps, hands clutching at her chest in surprise.

'Now Xena…'

"How do you know she's dead!' I yell as loud as I can manage. She seems truly stunned by my outburst. This may be my mother after all.

'Xena honey.' She puts her arms out, trying to pacify me. 'We didn't want to tell you until you were healed.' I grab a chair, throwing it across the room where it shatters against the wall. My mother cringes.

'Please.' She begs. 'This won't bring her back.' Her eyes brim with tears. Part of me wants to cry, but I refuse to accept that she is dead so I refuse to cry. I manage to calm myself slightly, still playing the role of the warrior going over the edge.

'How. Do. You. Know.' I look into her eyes, feeling a little guilty that I have to do this to her. She looks at me a moment the walks to the mantle over the fireplace grabbing a small vase. It's dark green in color. Her hands tremble as she hands it over to me. My breath catches in my throat, I feel as if I'm about to choke. I look up at my mother, now I can't stop the tears that begin to spill from my eyes uncontrolled. She simply nods at me as I try to swallow down the sobs that are coming from somewhere deep down within me.

I fall to my knees, the pain no longer registering as I've been overcome by a different kind of pain. My soul is telling me she is still alive but I can't help this feeling of loss that is so overwhelming and consuming. I clasp the urn between my hands, falling over to the floor as sobs soon overtake my body. I scream out her name as rationality leaves me. I don't have to play the game, the game is playing me.

At some point, my mother cradles me in her arms, my head resting in her lap. I cry till there are no more tears, then I just lie still because I can't bring myself to move. I don't accept it but I mourn all the same. Now though I'm more determined to prove that she is still alive and that someone is trying to push me back to the dark side. I could no longer go back there, I would never do that because she has changed me forever.

The pain of the injuries is finally leeching back into my reality, so with the help of my mother I crawl back up into the bed.

'I'm sorry.' I manage to say as she wipes my tear stained cheeks. She shakes her head at me.

'I know what she meant to you.' She can't bring herself to look me in the eyes though. I don't she does know, not really, no one does. 'You should rest, I'll get you something to eat.' She walks out without another word, closing the door behind her.

'What do you want Ares?'

'You don't let me have any fun.' He appears before me with a sickening smirk.

'I'm in no mood for your games right now.'

'Hey I'm just here as a friend.' He attempts to look innocent. He has never once been innocent.

'Who's friend?'

'Yours of course.' There's an evil glint in his eyes. He reaches up, playing with my hair. I do my best to control the urge to stab him, even though it wouldn't do a thing to him. 'Now I know you need a shoulder to cry on, and I thought hey, why not me.' He smirks in that way that makes me want to vomit.

'That's not what I need right now.'

'Oh I know.' His lips curl into a smile. 'Revenge is what you need.' I glare back at him.

'Do you know who did this?'

'Maybe I do and maybe I don't. But I can help you with your little memory problem, oh and all this.' He waves his arms the length of my body. I know for certain he is the one behind all this.

'How?' I stand, somewhat unstable. First his finger touches my forehead. A blinding pain shoots across my skull as images are slapped into my brain. I remember getting dragged, like my mom said. In fact everything she said is true, except I still don't see Gabrielle, anywhere in my memories of the whole incident. Hmm can the God's plant false memories, or only restore true ones? I replay the events over and over but can't seem to find the clues I'm looking for. Maybe he's hidden them from me. I pull away from my thoughts with a shake of my head.

'Now I can fix everything else if you let me help you get revenge.' I eye him for a moment, then the urn that's still grasped tightly in my hands.

'Whatever, I don't care just do it.' I make sure to spit the words out with hatred, I don't welcome his help, I just want revenge. I would never actually do this but I need to find out the truth. As he puts his hands on me I cringe a little. There was a time when I probably would have enjoyed his touch. Too much has happened since then. A warmth washes over me and suddenly all the pain is gone. I look down at my body only to see smooth tan skin again.

His fingers linger a little too long on me so I brush them roughly away. He gives me a mock look of hurt. I'm sure he thinks he can win me over in no time with Gabrielle out of the way. Even if it were true, it just wouldn't happen. That would be like defiling her memory and I couldn't do that to her.

'Now, where do we start?'