Serious Saitama

Chapter 3: Absolutely Ridiculous

oOo

"This should be far enough," I huffed, turning to look at the strange crowd following me.

I'd been surprised when a lot more people than that weird Genos kid had shown up. All of them were... not strong, but that grey area between really weak and maybe worth fighting properly. Everyone in the crowd, from the floating preteen in the obscene dress to the old guy in the turtleneck, they had an aura of power to them.

Not enough for me to get serious like those weird mole people, but enough that I might have to sort of pay attention if they all came at me at once.

Enough for me to pay them more attention that I paid to the daily sales at the H-Mart. They had potential, for the most part. Pretty much anyone but me would have called them strong, probably.

"Far enough for what?" The floating pre-teen demanded, swiveling in position so that she could glare at me. She managed to do so while both bending forward to increase the weight of her glare while her eye level never changed, hanging from the sky like a puppet.

"Far enough for me to explain my training and to impart it to anyone who's willing to take it up," I replied, solemnly. I frowned a bit, taking in my actual student's entirely metal body as I picked my nose with a pinky. "It might not help Genos because he's a robot thing, but anyone with a human body can benefit from my training advice."

"And that is?" The old guy in the turtleneck asked, leaning forward.

"Since you guys are the good guys, I don't mind telling you, I guess," I finally shrugged, before my posture stiffened as I lifted one fist in a somewhat dramatic fashion. "The only way to attain the same power I have is as simple as it is brutal. It is a set of exercises which will push you to your brink and beyond, and make you wish for the sweet release of death."

The entire gathered group waited with bated breath, even the green-haired floating pre-teen.

"One hundred push-ups. One hundred situps. One hundred crunches," I continued to explain the brutal training regimen which had given me the power to be bored of most fights. "One ten kilometre run. Every day, keeping your air conditioner off during the summer and your heater off during the winter to train your mental fortitude. Only then can you become as strong as me."

There were a lot of shocked stares.

"Every day. Even when your joints begin to click," I added, further impressing upon them the importance of the schedule.

The silence continued, until...

"Is... Is that so, Saitama-san?" the old guy in the turtleneck asked, raising an eyebrow. Behind him, I saw several of the sorta-powerful guys looking at the floating green-haired pre-teen and the way her face was going red. Obviously she was embarrassed that she wouldn't be able to keep up with the training.

It wasn't her fault. Maybe puberty would be kind to her and she'd be able to endure some hard exercise one day.

"Perhaps I'm too old to endure the training," the old guy mused, before slapping the strange kid with the pompadour forward, the teen's baggy pants nearly tripping him as he stumbled in my direction. "Metal Bat here, however, is of an ideal age to learn from you! One of the youngest S-Rank Heroes of the Association. He's raw, but he could learn a thing or two from you!"

I glanced at the guy, taking in the wariness as he looked at me in turn. Despite the old man's casual statements, he probably would have been fun to fight casually. If he was vouching for the weirdo with the pompadour, maybe he was worth training.

Turning to said weirdo showed me a kid with a strong body, just from the way he shifted. His footing was fairly grounded and there was a definite tension between his arms which lent him to very quickly swinging the bat in his hands. The punk looked like he could take a few good hits to the face too (and definitely had in the past), so he wasn't a total waste of time.

I nodded to the old guy.

"This one as well," the blond-haired speedy guy said, shoving the ninja look-a-like forward. What followed was something I'm pretty sure only I followed, if the way everyone failed to react was any indication. I think the preteen was blinking when it happened. As the blond katana knight guy effortlessly outmanouvered the dark haired ninja dude, the two changing positions about a hundred times in an instant. He finished by tripping him towards me, shrugging a bit when the ninja-haired kid turned to glare at him. "Sorry, Sonic. We've both always known I'm faster. When you're faster than him, we'll resume our rivalry."

"Lightspeed!" The ninja dude, Sonic, started to yell. As one sensei taking on a student from another, I reached out and grabbed the back of his shirt before he'd completed his first step away from me. "Huh?"

"I'm teaching you now, not him. Learn quickly and you can get out of it," I promised, frowning. "Learn quickly. I don't want to deal with you."

"Hmph!" The brat snarled, turning away. I let go of the turtleneck he wore, while also promising myself to teach the guy to wear less form-fitting clothing. I was seeing far too much of what I didn't want to see right now, and if I was going to be teaching this idiot, I wanted to see far less than I was seeing now.

Tight spandex has a place and purpose, and neither revolves around the crotch the way Sonic's spandex was bunching and crowding on certain features of his... definitely his... anatomy. I shuddered to myself, mentally purging the image with the same fortitude which had allowed me to gain the strength I'd gained since the day I decided to become a hero.

"Anyone else? The pre-teen looks like she could use some exercise," I grunted.

"Preteen?" The old man in the turtleneck asked, confused, before his eyes went to the girl in question. Her face was going an impressive shade of red which kinda clashed with the color of her dress and hair. She probably should have thought of that when she was making her superhero outfit. The white-haired dude raised a hand, hesitantly, towards the girl in question. "You mean, Tatsumaki-san?"

"Yeah," I confirmed blandly, noting that the sword-guy was coughing and smiling like he was trying to hide a laugh. "She's not much now, but maybe when she hits puberty she might be something impressive. If she grows bigger she might have enough reach to be effective. Miracles can happen, you know."

The glow of green around her was just for an instant so fast it'd have given the two pretty boys pause, and then an empty apartment building was hurled at me. I slammed my three new students into the ground so it'd pass over them before turning to insure that the soon-to-be-rubble wouldn't hit anyone, and that moment of inattention cost me as the building struck me full-force, blasting into my right side and lifting my right foot from the ground.

My left foot remained planted, and the force of the building imploding against me sent a violence blast of air against everyone present, even as the rubble tumbled down the road and crashed into other empty buildings, the rumble of stone and chaos heavy in the air.

I waited for the sound to die down a bit.

"...plus, I'm pretty sure she'll probably get better control of herself once she grows up a bit more. You know how teenage girls are," I confided to the samurai dude, who'd given up on trying to hide his laughter and was now openly guffawing.

Weird.

"I'M OLDER THAN YOU!" The pre-teen, or probably not, yelled and I was suddenly surrounded with a green energy which yanked me up about ten feet to float in the air. I didn't feel anything holding me or any pressure, but it was like gravity and inertia had decided to just go home for the day. I could only watch as the green-haired weirdo floated closer. "Well!? I'm the strongest esper in history! I could throw you into the sun with a thought! Unless you apologize to me now I might do it! So what are you going to do now that you've let me catch you!? Huh!?"

I considered her angry face for a moment before lifting my right foot, high enough that my thigh was parallel with the ground. She scowled at the movement. Then...

I stomped my foot down.

Hard.

My right foot crashed into the asphalt of the road first, though I quickly brought my left foot down to match it, and only buried myself up to mid-shin in the road before I stopped my descent. I raised my right pinky finger and dug deep as I looked up at the green-haired chick.

"Older than me? Huh. Puberty was really poor to you, wasn't it?" I offered with sympathy, flicking the booger on my pinky to the side. I would have expected her to be angry, but her face had gone almost as white as my plates at home and she was staring at her hands instead of me. So I ignored her, turning to my three new students. "So, we'll meet up at my place tomorrow morning at nine. I've got to go hit up the store. They've got a great sale on udon and I'm not going to miss out on that. See you tomorrow."

I then left, nobody present moving to stop me. Or even offer me a parting word in turn, even my new students. Rude, guys. Rude. At least offer me a goodbye if I'm going to be teaching you.

Like my day hadn't been annoying enough, the udon I was planning to pick up for the sale was sold out, and instead I just bought some eggs and spinach that were on sale. If I hadn't agreed to meet with that Genos kid or any of the other strangers, I would have made it in time for the udon I wanted, instead of having to make myself spinach omelets.

Sometimes the sacrifices you have to make to be a hero are too tough, too drastic.

I got home, cooked myself my omelet, and then read two volumes of Mazinger Z+ before I decided to turn in, leaving a small bowl of food on the porch for the stray cat that drifted by every once in a while.

The lack of udon in my belly burned me. I could always take it out on my new students tomorrow.

That thought drifted in and out of my mind as I finally dozed off.

oOo

Author's Notes:

I went with first person to try to better convey Saitama's thoughts here. Sorry that it's been a while. I'm going to lie when I say I promise I haven't been playing video games and watching anime and doing nothing related to writing for a year.

#SorryNotSorry

Next season of anime looks amazing, though. Boku No Hero Academia Season 2! Woo!

-Gaming Ikari