Disclaimer: We own nothing
A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: Some Shweir in this chapter, I hope all of you enjoy this. How to Murder Your Wife is a real movie starring Jack Lemmon and Virna Lisi. When I came up with this idea, my sister suggested that I use it in this fic. I hope all of you enjoy this chap.
A/N Nerwen Aldarion: Oh yes Ronon is in BIG trouble LOL don't worry things become civil betweent them soon but hey who doesn't love an angry Teyla???
Chapter 3: How to Murder Your "Ex" Wife
"So this is the famous movie night you guys talk about," Laura Cadman said as she took a seat next to her fiancé, Carson Beckett. The two had recently gotten engaged on Earth after a short break up period, but Rodney had convinced them to reconcile. How and why Rodney got them back together no one in his team knew and probably never would.
"It just sort of started up," Elizabeth explained, "when we tried to get Teyla and Ronon to understand a little more about Earth. Besides it's a good way to unwind," she finished as she handed the lieutenant a beer.
"Which is something you need to do more often, lass," Carson said and Elizabeth made a face.
"It's my turn tonight," John declared as he entered the room and hissed in pain when he bent over to inspect the horde of DVD's.
"What happened to you?" Elizabeth asked.
"Teyla beat the crap out of me."
"What'd you do to make her mad?" Cadman asked as she stole a handful of popcorn from Rodney's gallon sized bowl.
"I didn't do anything," he explained, "When she gets mad and then spars with me I wind up being used as a punching bag."
"So who do you think is the culprit?" Rodney asked.
"I have no idea," he admitted as Teyla entered the room. She glanced around at everyone, and then seemed satisfied to see that the offender was not present.
"What are we watching tonight?" she asked as she sat down next to Elizabeth, "And don't tell me it's…" she failed to finish because Ronon entered the room.
John didn't notice her trailing off, "Bout time you showed up," he chastised his friend, "Now we can start."
The Satedan nodded and cast a glance at Teyla who made a point to ignore him before sitting down on the opposite side of the room.
"Is this a club meeting or something?" everyone looked up to see Regina asking the questions. Upon seeing his ex wife, John's eyes darkened and his jaw tightened to keep his anger in check.
"It's movie night," Rodney explained.
"Movie night, well what are you watching?"
"Oh it's a classic," John said with a snap in his voice, "How to Murder Your Wife, want to watch?"
The occupants in the room fell silent as the former couple stared at each other, "I guess that's my cue to leave," Regina said before exiting the room.
"Talk about chilling," Laura speculated, "She really screwed you over, colonel."
Her commanding officer shot her a glare, forcing Elizabeth to step in, "So what are we really watching?"
"How to Murder Your Wife," was his reply.
"You mean there really is such a movie, and you want to watch it with three women in the room, one of which is getting married in a couple of months?"
"Yes," he answered, "It's a classic."
"It's good," Rodney agreed, "And Virna Lisi pops out of a cake."
Elizabeth raised an eyebrow, "A cake?"
John nodded, "At a bachelor party."'
Laura looked at Carson, "You are not going to have a stripper come out of a cake at your bachelor party."
"Why would you want to watch a movie that is about murdering your wives?" Teyla asked.
"After I caught my wife cheating on me, I went to a Blockbuster a few days later and the title appealed to me," he explained.
"You do know it ends with him happy and in love with Virna Lisi?" Rodney questioned.
"I always turned it off right before the end," he explained.
The movie appeared on the screen and the voice of Terry Thomas began to narrate, "Greetings, gentlemen, I assume your wives are not with you as the very title of our piece is sufficient to strike terror in their hearts and cause them to remain at home in their kitchens where they belong!"
"No way!" Laura protested and threw popcorn at the screen. Elizabeth just shook her head at John who was grinning with triumph.
"In any case, gentlemen, you have come here tonight to learn and so you shall…so you shall."
Every guy in the room seemed to enjoy the movie thoroughly while the girls protested at every turn. When Virna Lisi did indeed pop out of a cake Elizabeth asked, "Who here is now officially offended?" Three hands—including hers— were raised in unison.
Throughout the movie, Jack Lemmon played the bachelor who accidentally got married and was trying desperately to adapt, but refused to let go of his freedom. As she watched, Elizabeth found herself glancing at John's face whenever he made some comment about the movie. Was this really how he thought marriage would be like if he tried again?
The court scene went into a winding speech about how women take control of a man in his marriage and how unhappy the husbands are. "Who would want to get married after that?" Rodney asked.
Laura shot him a look, "Thank you, Rodney."
This time, John let the movie run all the way until the end and everyone stayed behind to help clean up with the exception of Teyla who left immediately after sending Ronon another fierce look.
Elizabeth was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, not even trying to sleep. After seeing that movie, how could she? Okay it wasn't really that bad, actually it was funny, and she would have enjoyed it if the fact that John had watched it to heal after his divorce wasn't included.
Did he never want to get married again? Does he really believe that marriage is a farce? Not that she could pursue a relationship with him because of their positions, but the thought that all of these feelings for him led to nothing…well it was agony.
Giving up on sleep, she tossed back the covers, put on some slippers and left her room. When ever she couldn't sleep she always found some work to do. However, reports and files were not comforting so baking was the only option.
About a half an hour later, Elizabeth was putting blobs of cookie dough on a tray when a voice startled her out of her skin, "Has Martha Stewart taken over your body?"
She placed a hand over her racing heart, "Do you have to scare me like that?"
John grinned, "Its fun. So what's with the cookies?"
"I couldn't sleep and for once normal work didn't appeal to me," she slapped his hand as it dipped for the bowl, "Touch that and your dead."
John shook his sore hand, "I always thought Martha Stewart was mean."
"You're hilarious," she replied dryly, "Why aren't you in bed?"
"Same as you; couldn't sleep," he explained, "The movie was giving me ideas."
Elizabeth shook he head and put another cookie blob on the tray, "What kind of ideas, murder ideas or…other ideas?"
A wicked grin crossed his face, "Why you want to try these other ideas?"'
"Do you want to eat these cookies?" she warned.
"Depends on how good they are," he replied, "Now if I'd been allowed a sample I would know."
Shaking her head again with a smile, she handed him a little ball of dough which he popped into his mouth, "Mmm, they're good," he said, "Didn't know you could cook."
"One of my secret talents," she explained, "I don't have time to do it that often."
"Well now that you've revealed this to me, I'll have to demand some of these cookies more."
"You are going to demand me, your boss, to make cookies?" she countered.
"I'll tell Rodney about your culinary skills, and you know how excited he would be."
She glared at him, "You're evil, John Sheppard."
"Well I try," he replied with a grin.
She had gone back to placing cookie dough when she asked him, "Did…does Regina cook?"
He shook his head, "Besides charcoal cookies, which are a great way to get indigestion, we used to order take-out."
"Oh," was all she could think of to say.
Desperate to change the subject, he reached for a question, "So why are you still up?"
"I just couldn't stop…thinking."
"Thinking? About what?"
"Things," she replied evasively.
"Nice try," he complimented dryly, "Now tell me what's wrong
She placed the spoon back in the bowl and sighed, "You."
The superfluous eyebrow raised, "Me?"
"And the movie," Elizabeth added, "I just…I can't stop thinking how she ruined you and…do you want to get married?"
He looked at her skeptically, "Is that a proposal?"
"Of course not, I just want to know if you see yourself getting married again…ever."
"At the moment, no," he admitted, "My last experience with marriage ended with me finding my wife playing hanky panky with my best friend, so you can understand why I'd be a little hesitant to try again. But that doesn't mean that I wouldn't eventually."
"So the right woman just hasn't come along yet," Elizabeth stated.
He paused before agreeing, "Yeah."
"Well that's a relief," she said, "I was afraid, as a friend, that you'd resigned yourself to bachelorhood forever."
She bent over to put the tray into the oven when she was reminded of a scene in the movie similar to this. Elizabeth turned around with a suspicious look on her face and saw John grinning with false innocence. Yep, he'd definitely been checking her out.
"I guess it's a good thing I'm not making a lasagna soufflé," she said making him life.
A sort of food fight resulted from the remaining dough ensued between them, sort of like children…or newlyweds.
The next day Teyla was eating lunch in the mess hall trying to finish writing her report on the time she and Ronon had spent on Kiddiya's planet. She had put it off for the last couple of days because she wasn't certain what she should write about or rather Teyla was afraid about what she couldn't write.
She knew that writing this report would only bring back memories of that night, the night that was filled with wonderful memories. The only problem was that it led her to the night before, the one that she would love to forget.
Words couldn't describe how humiliated she felt after she heard him say Melayna's name, she knew she had asked for it. She had known what his feelings were before she slept with him again just right now she need to be really mad at him.
As fate would have it Ronon showed up right then, he'd been trying to talk to her for the last two days but so far she had been successful at avoiding him…until now.
"Teyla…" He began.
"Don't talk to me," She interrupted not even looking up from her report, "that is unless you are actually going to say the right name."
He knew he deserved that, "It was an accident."
"I'm sure it was," Teyla said her voice laced with sarcasm, "It doesn't exclude the fact that you said her name."
"I know…"
"No obviously you don't," She explained angrily, "because if you did know then you wouldn't be talking to me."
"I'm just trying to explain…"
"There is nothing to explain, you missed her, I was ready and willing…and foolish, and so you took advantage of the situation to receive maximum pleasure. I get it."
Ronon sighed, "That's not what it was to me."
"Then what was it to you?" She asked furiously, "Because to me it was the most humiliating moment of my life, so please explain what exactly you were doing when you said her name?" Teyla took a deep breath to steady her anger, it didn't work, "Why did you do that? Why did you sleep with me if you still love her?"
Ronon tried to reason with her, "Teyla…"
"No…don't, I know why you said her name," She continued releasing the anger and embarrassment she was suffering from, "you felt like you weren't being fair to her."
"Who's not being fair to who?" John asked walking up to his two teammates, a tray in his hand.
Teyla stared at him, surprised that he came up at that particular moment. She thought desperately for an excuse but only one thought came to mind, "Dr. Sheppard, I feel like…uh…you're not being fair to her."
John looked at her strangely, "Ok…I'm going to pretend you didn't say that."
"Yes please do so." She agreed quickly getting up, "I have some things to do any ways." And she left as fast as she could before he asked her why she was lying.
In the infirmary, Regina was pretending to read a file when in truth she was trying to remind herself why she was here. Ever since she arrived, she had been treated with quiet hostility from everyone on the base; even the cooks sent her glares. Whenever she walked by there were whispers behind her as the gossips discussed the juicy tale that had unfolded in the control room yesterday.
John had been avoiding her again and no matter how hard she tried he kept eluding her. The scientist on his team, Dr. McKay, had tried to talk about the divorce, but she'd been reluctant to tell him anything. The other members of his team didn't know how to treat her so they tried to stay away.
Her boss, Dr. Beckett, was nice and on the surface didn't seem to be bothered by the gossip; however, she knew he was troubled by the affair. To go even higher, Dr. Weir was perfectly civil to her at all times, yet she bothered Regina the most. In her eyes, Elizabeth held a look that clearly said why would you want to cheat on him? Not that Regina could blame the woman for falling for John; he was an easy man to be attracted to, she should know.
"Dr. Sheppard?" Beckett asked from the doorway, "I need you to do a routine check up."
"Alright, on who?" she asked.
"Dr. Weir."
Inwardly she grimaced. Oh this was going to be fun.
Elizabeth was sitting on the exam table when she walked in, "Dr. Weir, I'm afraid Dr. Beckett is to busy with other patients to do the exam. I hope it's fine if I do it."
She nodded, "I understand."
Regina clicked on her penlight and started checking the other woman's eyes, "Good," she said when she was done, "You have very pretty eyes."
Elizabeth blinked in surprise, "Uh, thanks."
"I'm sure John has told you that before."
"Um no," she replied, "What does he have to do with anything."
"Nothing," Regina replied and began taking Elizabeth's blood pressure, "Do you have any dizzy spells, nausea, headaches?"
"No, no, and just the ones your ex husband gives me."
Regina smiled, "I know how you feel."
After taking her temperature and checking her breathing, Regina declared her to have a clean bill of health. Elizabeth was leaving the table when Regina noted, "You're under weight."
"Just a little."
"Twenty pounds is not a little."
"It's my job," she explained, "with a war going on there aren't that many easy days."
"I understand," Regina said, "but Dr. Beckett will have to be informed."
"And then he'll tell John, who will throw me over his shoulder and carry me to the Mess Hall and force me to eat," Elizabeth groaned.
That caught her attention, "He did that?"
"Just once," she replied.
"Oh, okay," Regina said a hint of disappointment and jealousy in her tone. "Well you're free to go."
"Thank you," Elizabeth said as she left.
One thing was certain for Regina now; John cared a lot more for his commander than he let known.
It took Teyla all the next day before she was ready to even think about talking to Ronon civilly. She knew that she had to let her anger with Ronon go if she and him were going to have to work together, that was why she was once again sneaking into Ronon's room in the middle of the night, this time it was to make amends.
"Have you come here to hit me again?" Ronon asked when he got over his surprise at seeing her in the doorway of his room, the way she had been the other night.
"No," She told him, "I've come to talk, and we are actually going to talk this time."
"I've been trying to talk to you for a couple of days," he pointed out, "You're the one who has been running away."
"Well I'm ready to talk now."
"So talk," He said sitting down at the foot of the bed.
She sighed, still leaning against the door, "I can forgive you for what happened and I won't lie to you and say that I don't want to be with you…but we can't be in a relationship…not now."
"I can see you're forgiving," he said sarcastically.
"This has nothing to do with the fact that you said Melena's name," Teyla explained, "That was only a confirmation of what I told you before…you aren't ready to be in a relationship because you still love her."
"Teyla it has been seven years…"
"I'm aware of that fact," She said continuing, "But you spent those seven years on the run from the Wraith…you weren't given the chance to move on."
"I have moved on," He declared.
"You have not!" She protested, "If you had you wouldn't still see her."
"What is that supposed to mean?" He asked angrily.
"You see her when you should be seeing me." Teyla explained, "When you kiss me you think of her, when you hold me you remember what it was like to hold her…"
"Teyla that isn't…" Ronon interrupted.
Teyla continued on, "The other night I made love to you but you…you were making love to her. I'm not blind I know that when you look at me what you really wish to see is Melena. And I won't be a replacement for you."
"So you're saying we can't ever be together?" He asked softly because he knew she was right, he wasn't being fair to her.
"I didn't say that," Teyla explained, "But until you see me, until you can kiss me and not see her…all we can be is teammates and friends."
Ronon sighed, "I understand."
Teyla nodded, "Good…and just to be clear, we should keep what happened between us to ourselves."
"Alright," He replied, and with that Teyla said her good-byes and walked out the door.
It wasn't until she was in the comfort of her own room did she let her tears fall down her cheeks. She knew she was doing the right thing for herself, she deserved more than to be a vessel for his needs, but did it have to hurt so much to be right?
TBC
A/N: So what did you think???? Next chapter Teyla finds out something about Melena...something that could jepordize any future she has with Ronon and of course John goes on hating Regina.
