Fangtasia Stories: How to Make Hot Pink Lycra Look Hotter

Set During Living Dead in Dallas


Eric tried on a second outfit. It consisted of a leopard print leotard and very short, tight leather shorts. The first outfit had been some sort of chain-mail skirt accessorized with a studded dog-collar and nipple clamps. That one was immediately rejected, and the nipple clamps went into the top drawer of his desk.

Pam went up to him and reached to place a leather biker cap on his head.

"There."

Eric turned his head to check his ass out in the mirror behind him. Hmm. Not bad.

There was a knock at the door, and Pam opened it, letting Chow into the office.

"Master, I..." He stopped in his tracks. "I...er..."

Eric turned to face him, hands on hips, displaying himself proudly.

"Yes? Spit it out Chow."

"I have the, um, the new cocktail menu you requested."

"Very good."

Chow placed the menu on the desk and eyed his sheriff suspiciously. Eric raised a blond eyebrow.

"See something you like, Chow?"

"That's, well, it's really quite some outfit." Chow was flitting between being aroused and repulsed. He was confused. Eric didn't usually dress like this.

"Yes." Eric turned back to face the mirror, and re-arranged his cap at a more jaunty angle. "I have an orgy to attend and I'm trying to find an appropriate outfit. I'm thinking sexually ambiguous and adventurous aerobic-class teacher."

"Ah. Then the shorts are not appropriate," Chow said. "The movement would be restricted for aerobics."

Eric considered this, and did some knee-bends and squat thrusts, to test the limits of the shorts. His bits kept popping out.

"Yes, you're quite right."

"The cap is too Village People," Chow continued. "Perhaps a headband is more fitting, with some sort of Lycra one-piece and leg warmers. Neutral colors, perhaps lilac and aqua? I really think that would bring out the best in your eyes, make them really pop. A small amount of man-liner, perhaps. White training shoes, obviously."

Pam looked exasperated.

"Well who died and made you Jane Fonda's stylist?"

"I was just trying to help."

"Lilac? With Eric's complexion?"

"I thought, well..."

She just kept on staring at him. Chow hated it when she did that. He preferred not to anger Pam, wherever possible. He excused himself and left.

"I think I need to cover more skin," Eric said. "This is too obvious. Plus I don't like the leopard print. It needs to be more..."

"Camp?"

"You have something more camp than this?"

Pam nodded.

"I got the campest shit you ever saw."

"Let's try something, I don't know, a little less 'out and proud'? Slightly feminine yet displaying all my masculine charms to their best advantage. I need to be approachable, from all angles, by anyone. Slightly coy, yet overtly sexual."

"Can I put make-up on you?"

"No. No make-up."

Pam pulled out another bag, which said Ruffles and Leather Dancewear on it. Ruffles and leather. Sounded promising.

She pulled out some gold hotpants.

"No shorts."

Pam tutted, and carried on rummaging. She whipped out a spangly boob tube. Eric sighed and shook his head.

"Do you know how hard it is to get this shit in your size?" Pam grumbled.

She grabbed another bag and pulled out a glittery cropped sweatshirt that said 'Be Free to Love' on it.

"Nice."

Eric nodded his acceptance and Pam looked it over. She took some scissors and made some quick alterations, cutting out the neck, and some material off the bottom and the arms, before tossing him the customized garment. He eased his arms out of the leotard and pulled it down around his waist, before slipping the new top over his head. He put his hands on his hips and looked in the mirror, turning from side to side.

"What do you think?"

The material stopped just below his chest, showing off his glorious abs. Eric took a moment to admire himself. It was times like these that he was thankful that he'd been turned in his prime. How dreadful it would've been to be turned mid-40's, when the paunch and love-handles had set in. Not to mention the possibility of moobs. Man boobs. Pam had brought the term to his attention recently, and he was still chuckling about it. When they were out on the floor, Eric sprawled on his throne, Pam by his side, they would search for them in the crowds. "Moobs, 10 o'clock." What an absolute bitch it must be to be eternally stuck with moobs. He knew vampires who had this problem, and had observed that they were forever angry and bitter about it. Moobs. Eric smiled.

"I think you need some kind of leggings."

Pam picked up some more bags and began rifling through them. She pulled out some hot pink and aqua-colored Lycra and Eric smiled.

"That's more like it."

Without any attempt to hide his nakedness, Eric whipped off the leather shorts and leotard, and began to pull on the leggings. Of course, he was used to being naked in front of Pam, not that he had a scrap of modesty anyway. She'd seen it all, a thousand times over. There was no leering from Pam, only a general admiration, that had never gone away. She had seen many, many naked bodies. As far as men went, Eric had the best body she'd ever encountered. Sexually speaking, though, they were very much over each other, a long time ago. These days, Pam had a thing for horny housewives and nerds.

Eric re-arranged himself down below and took a good look at his reflection.

"Hmm. Yes, I like these." He turned around to face Pam. She held her hand up and turned her head to the side in mock-embarrassment at the sight of his package.

"They are obscene. I love them."

Eric smirked. "I concur. The top clashes a little though. Do you have something to match?"

Pam did some more rummaging. "What is all this about anyway? You said something about accompanying Sookie to an orgy?"

"Yes, she invited me on an orgy date. Wasn't that nice of her?"

"And she asked you to camp it up? Why would sweet little Sookie be attending an orgy?" Pam pulled out a matching pink tank top and tossed it over to Eric.

"Something to do with her wanting to read the minds of the people there. They are humans, and I think she intends me to be some sort of distraction slash bodyguard."

"And Bill can't do this because..?"

"Because he's an uptight A hole who'd blow her cover straight away. And because she knows I would be better for the job, in protecting her and looking hot in Lycra." Pam looked at him and narrowed her eyes. Eric pulled on the tank top and smoothed it down over his body. "And because he's in Dallas," he added.

Pam shook her head.

"Aren't there more important things to be doing? Shouldn't we be chasing this maenad?"

"Sookie is under my protection, Pam. I am protecting her." Eric turned back to the mirror, and looked over his outfit again. "I think this might be the one."

Pam stared at him for a long while, thinking.

"Your ass looks good."

"Of course it does. This ass would look good in a pair of brown, frayed woolen underpants. I should know, I used to wear them." Eric pulled down one side of the top, exposing a nipple, then did the same with the other. He put his hands on his hips and did a couple of squat thrusts. Finally, he turned around and went to sit behind his desk.

"Yes, this will do fine, Pam."

She began gathering the rejected outfits.

"What do you want me to do with the rest? Should I take it all back?"

"No no. Keep it." Eric waved a hand. "Leave it in the closet." He began tapping away on his laptop.

Pam smiled. When she'd finally put everything away, she went and sat in the chair opposite him.

"So, do you think you're going to see any action at this orgy?"

"In this outfit, how could I not?"

"What time do you have to be there?"

"I said I would be at Sookie's by 9:30."

"Are you driving?"

"Of course. You think I would fly in this?"

"Well then you should probably go."

Eric exhaled loudly. "Yes, I just have to send this e-mail and then I'm gone."

"Perhaps the maenad would appreciate some Lycra? Something sporty? For running around in the woods?"

"Hmm."

"Or some running shoes."

"Hm-mm."

"What do you think?"

Eric snapped his laptop shut and stood.

"We will deal with the maenad tomorrow. Do you have the goats on order?"

"Delivery at 8:30 tomorrow evening."

Eric pulled on some sneakers and a long trench coat.

"What's that for?" Pam asked.

Eric smiled. "The Great Reveal."

V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V V

The following evening, Eric made his way into Fangtasia, before opening time. He walked past his office and instead went to sit in the bar. He took off his jacket, slung it on the back of a chair, got himself a blood, and sat in his booth. He began reading his newspaper.

Pam came in about ten minutes later, and sat opposite him, without a word. She began reading a magazine.

After sitting there together quietly for some time, Pam finally looked up and spoke.

"If you were one of the Muppets, which one would you be?"

"The what?" Eric mumbled.

"The Muppets. You know, the funny brightly colored puppets. Don't pretend you are ignorant of the Muppets, I know you're not. There is a quiz in this magazine: 'Which Muppet are you?'"

"Hmm. What are you reading? National Geographic? The New Scientist?"

Pam scoffed. "So?"

"So what?"

"Which one are you?"

Eric sighed, and took a swig from his bottle of TruBlood. He turned the page of his newspaper, and stared intently at an article about the latest fashion for placing small dogs in handbags.

"Swedish Chef."

Pam threw her hands up in frustration. "You're saying that only because he's Swedish. In character, you are nothing at all like Swedish Chef."

"You asked which I would be. You did not say I had to choose which one I believed myself to be most similar to in character, Pam. How the hell am I supposed to choose a Muppet that I believe I share characteristics with?"

There was a long pause. Eric went back to reading his newspaper, and Pam flicked through her magazine. She kept casting glances at Eric.

Eric finally caved in and groaned.

"What?"

"Which one do you think I would be?"

"Why don't you just do your little quiz and find out?" Eric chimed.

"Because I want to know which one you think I am."

Eric shook his head and looked down at his newspaper, turning another page. Pam waited patiently for his response. He pretended to be engrossed in an article about the vampire situation in the Middle East, but in actual fact he was going through all the Muppets in his head.

Pam carried on staring.

Waiting.

"Beaker."

"Fuck off!"

"You asked."

"I'm not Beaker."

"Which one are you then?"

"I don't know. I like to think I'm a cross between a number of different Muppets. The wild, untamed spirit of Animal, the comedic genius of Fozzy Bear, the adorableness of Kermit. The fighting talents of Miss Piggy."

"Hmm. A Muppet monster hybrid." Eric went back to his reading. Pam carried on with her random page flicking, and began to tap her fingers. She looked over at Eric again.

He let out another long sigh.

"What now?"

"If you could have any special power, what would you have?"

"I'm bored of this now. Don't you have work to do or something? The bar's due to open soon."

"Invisibility would be good. Or maybe telekinesis."

"How about super-strength, or super-speed, or immortality, those ones are good as well, Pam. Flying? There's another one."

"Oh, you always rub the flying one in my face, just because you can and I can't. What is wrong with you tonight?"

"Nothing."

"You're all touchy and tense. What happened at the orgy last night? Did it not go well? Was it the Lycra? I told you, those leather shorts were more appropriate."

"The evening took a surprising turn, actually. Callisto, our friendly neighborhood maenad, turned up at the sad sex gathering. She made quite a mess, which she kindly left for us to tidy up. I don't think we'll see her for a while."

"Oh, thank God," Pam groaned, sounding genuinely relieved. "We're finally rid of that crazy bitch. No more maenad gift-hunting. What was the orgy like? The outfit? Did it do the job?"

"Yes, it worked very well. The orgy was a group of worthless, pathetic humans, some of whom had murdered a friend of Sookie's, which is why we were there."

"And?" Pam waggled her eyebrows. "Was Sookie suitably impressed?"

"Of course."

"Well then what's wrong? Why are you all moody?"

Eric just went back to his reading. Pam narrowed her eyes at him in thought.

"She will not give in to you. She loves Bill. You are frustrated."

"I am not frustrated."

"You never took rejection well. You are not used to it."

Eric closed his eyes for a moment and then sat back in his seat.

"She wants me, she is... she won't admit it."

"She doesn't want what you can give."

"And what is that?" Eric snapped. "If she does not want an incredibly hot, very rich and powerful ancient Viking vampire who can make women come with a mere flick of his golden mane, then what exactly does she want?" He tossed his hair back to accentuate his point, in a shampoo commercial-type fashion.

"Oh, oh yeah," Pam deadpanned, her voice a monotone drawl. "Don't stop, baby. I'm close."

"Seriously."

Pam took her time considering her response, and Eric realized that he was actually genuinely interested in hearing the answer.

"Well perhaps she wants more than that. In fact, Sookie is probably not even interested in the money and power. You have seen how she is, she is not frivolous or materialistic. She's not that type. She wants a relationship."

"Vampires are hardly good relationship material, are they? You of all people should know that. I find it hard to believe that even our dull mainstreaming friend Bill would be able to sustain a human-type relationship."

"But her human dating doesn't fare too well, does it, with her mind reading. She wants someone to cherish her, and care for her, and tell her how wonderful she is. Of course, you'd show her an amazing time between the sheets, but then what? I know what a woman wants."

Eric snorted. "So touching. I think you brought a tear to my eye." She looked at him seriously and his smile fell. "Sookie is independent. I think she does not want to belong to anyone."

"You hardly know her," Pam scoffed.

"Nor do you, and yet you claim to be an expert on what she wants. I know enough. And I do know women, Pam. You read too many of those advice columns. You're not the one who writes the responses are you?"

"I just know a thing or two about human emotions, especially female emotions."

Eric pulled a confused face and shook his head in disbelief. "Pam, you've not had an emotion since the early 90's. And I mean the 1890's."

Pam crossed her arms and gave him a glare.

"I was very happy when electricity became widely available in the home. It was a significant step forward. Just because I don't easily express emotion doesn't mean I don't understand the concept."

"Look, can we stop talking about human emotions now, it's making me exceedingly uncomfortable. None of this matters. I will have sex with Sookie, and then everything will be fine." He motioned with his hand, drawing a line under his statement.

"You're being an idiot."

"Excuse me?"

"Didn't you hear anything I just said?"

"She wants it too, I can tell."

"If you're so sure she wants you, why don't you just take her?" Pam asked. "Go round her little ramshackle house and just seduce her into submission. Or better still, just get rid of Bill, since you arranged to take care of her if he went away."

"I will not take, and I will not lower myself by conveniently ridding myself of Compton for sex with a human. She will come around. She will yield to me."

"You enjoy the challenge. You can't glamor her, and she won't come to you. I can't remember the last time you were like this. It's sweet."

"Don't push me, Pam."

Pam looked down and flicked through a couple more pages. She pursed her lips and let it go. For a while.

"Did you get any action last night?"

Eric rubbed at the bridge of his nose, as if he had a migraine coming on. Which was utterly absurd, of course.

"We kissed. Some minor groping. That is all."

"And?"

"And what?"

"How was it?"

Eric shook his head and groaned.

"This isn't some teenage girl's pajama party, Pam."

"Just tell me," Pam responded, impatiently.

He clenched his fist and thought about punching her. Then he thought about Sookie's soft, warm pink lips. How she had relaxed in his arms, molded to his body. The way she had opened up beneath him, on the hood of his beloved 'Vette. Her desire fueling his own. He hadn't wanted someone so bad for a very, very long time.

"She kisses... beautifully. I don't think I ever got so hard just from tonguing before. I was fully prepared to take her on the hood of my car. The Lycra accommodates huge erections very well, by the way."

"And Sookie?"

"Unfortunately I'm not yet sure how well she accommodates them."

"You know what I mean. Did she enjoy the kissing?"

"Oh, she was very responsive. However, the... ambiance was wrong. She would have enjoyed it much more, if she hadn't been so disgusted by the naked sex-party, and the images she'd had of them killing her friend, and if she didn't have this resolute and unfathomable loyalty to Bill. Who turned up, by the way."

"While you were..."

"Yes."

Pam grinned.

"Wonderful. Was he angry?"

"Splendidly so."

"Well, you did have an interesting evening. I'm sorry I missed it."

"I think you would have been suitably diverted." Eric resumed reading. "You need to cancel the goats."

"Hmm, yes. I'll get onto that. I guess I could just keep the rest of those sex toys I bought."

"I'm sure you'll find some use for them."

Eric downed the rest of his blood, folded his paper and rose from his seat. Pam grinned as Eric walked towards his office. He was wearing the tight leather shorts he'd tried on yesterday. She'd not realized, since he'd been sitting down, and it was more of a surprise because on top he was wearing a very conservative blue v-neck cashmere sweater.

"Fabulous," Pam said, approvingly.

Eric stopped and looked over his shoulder.

"I know, isn't it?" he said, with a wink.