Turned to Dust

Chapter 2

"Freddie!" Harry gasps, utterly aghast. He leaps to his feet and moves across the gap between the beds to sit on my other side. "Your Father," he speaks slowly, placing a hand on my shoulder, "has his faults, I admit. He's been through a lot, and that's not his fault, but..." He sighs, shaking his head, "You cannot ever think even for a second that this is what he wants."

I look down, hating this. Hating the way Harry's speaking to me. Does he not realise how guilty I felt the moment the words left my mouth? It makes me feel sick what I said. Physically sick, and on Harry's scolding, a few more tears slide down my cheeks. I lean into Ginny, who thankfully isn't speaking.

"I know you're angry and scared," He continues, "But you can't take this out on your Dad, or anyone else for that matter. You're going to have to be brave, however much it hurts. Do you understand?"

I nod, screwing my eyes shut, guilt pooling in my stomach.

"George has been through so much and-"

"I KNOW!" I screech, a sudden burst of anger taking hold of me, "I GET IT! Can't you just leave me alone?"

Harry backs down, looking taken aback, "Okay. I'm sorry."

Ginny rubs my back, looking at me worriedly, "Do you want some time alone?" She asks gently, "Or should we stay?"

I shake my head, and they glance at each other. I'm not exactly making myself don't understand what it is that I want. I think it would probably help if I knew what I want.

There's never been much time before for me to analyse Harry and Ginny's relationship, but when you're with them, you can't help but realise just how much they care about each other. Whenever Harry moves, so does Ginny, and the other way around. They're like… magnets, or opposing forces. Call it what you will, but as Ginny's face drops and she looks more and more like she's going to cry, Harry reaches past me and puts a hand on her shoulder, steadying her and telling her something silently that I'll never know. If I ever did get married -not that there's any chance of that happening now- that's the kind of relationship that I want. The absolute security they can get from each other's presence. What I wouldn't give for that feeling...

It hits me slowly; the realisation. At first it's just a tiny ache in my stomach, and then it gets bigger and bigger until it bursts from my eyes in the form of angry tears.

I'm never going to get married. I'll never be able to have that moment. I haven't thought about her yet, but what about Lonnie?! We've been together four years. I love her. What's she going to do? I can't tell her, how would I ever be able to get the words out? 'Hey Lonnie, I love you and everything, but unfortunately I only have five months to live.' No! Of course I can't do that!

A few more tears trickle down my cheeks and I risk a glance up at Harry. He's waiting patiently for me to speak, looking a lot older than he usually does. Him and Ginny are worried about me, that's obvious enough, and I know they'd stay here with me if I asked, but however much I need them to… I can't. I can't ask them to. It's Christmas Day, they want to be with their kids. They don't need to be here.

"Go." I choke, staring down at the floor and making sure that they can't see my face. "Go. Go and see James and Albus and Lily. Have a nice Christmas, you deserve it." The corners of my lips twitch, "Please. You don't need to see me like this."

Harry nods and stands up, resting his hand on my shoulder for a second before he leaves the room, glancing back at Ginny and closing the door behind him.

Ginny doesn't move for a second, and I can hear her mutter something almost silently. Not knowing what it is that she's trying to say, I sit up, ignoring my own feelings for a second and wrapping my arms around her. She needs it too. Now Harry's gone, she cries properly, and it occurs to me I've never seen Ginny cry before. She was always the strong one.

"Hey. I-it's ok Ginny, I'm here. I'm not… going anywhere."

It's a weak lie, and she shakes her head, wiping her face and looking at me blankly. "I'm sorry Freddie," She says. "I know I'm not making this any better, but you should know its okay to cry sometimes. Sometimes you have to." Her face drops a little, and she looks up at me. "Are you going to be ok? Are you sure you want me to go?"

I nod once, and she stands up. "Should I send up Roxy? I'm sure she won't mind. And Alle's going to be here soon too, James invited her." She seems desperate to find someone to make sure that I'm not by myself, but I'm not going to let her make someone else's Christmas miserable.

"No." I say quietly, "Let them enjoy Christmas, I'm alright."

She stands, watching me as she backs towards the door. Just before she leaves, she turns back and gives me a small smile, "We all love you, you know. You're not alone. Any time you need us, any time at all, we're here for you. Just owl me or Harry, or Ron, Hermione, Percy, maybe not Audrey, but... anyone. We're not going to let you be alone."

"Th-Thanks, Ginny."

She leaves, and now it's just me and the silence.

I look around the room and think about Dad, how many years he spent in here with Uncle Fred. You can still see the burn marks on the roof from their experiments, and all of Uncle Fred's stuff is still in his drawers, no-one's touched them. I wonder if, in twenty years' time, Roxy's kid will sit in my bedroom and look around at all of my posters, wondering what I was like, and what happened to me. Why no-one in our family ever speaks my name or talks about me.

I'd like to think that Roxy, knowing what it's like for us to have a Father that's so broken, would try her best to be open with her kids, not let them live always afraid of saying the wrong thing. Deep down, I can't quite believe it. I saw the look on her face when she found out. And this morning when she looked at me and smiled so brightly, asking if I was okay, even though we both knew that I wasn't. Neither of would ever be again.

Standing up, I move over towards the window, looking out at the snow outside. I can see Errol, the extremely ancient and battered owl that must have been in our family for at least thirty years now. I open the window and call him up. There's something I need to do, and I don't trust myself to do it at all if I wait any longer. Searching in Fred's drawers, I find a quill and some parchment with 'WWW' inscribed messily in the top left-hand corner. I try to numb myself to all of my feelings as I start to write, but even so the ink is left smudged with tearstains. It's barely legible.

I hope that the tears show her that I'm being sincere, and that she does mean something to me. Well, that's what I'd like to think.

It reads:

Lonnie,

Firstly, I love you.

I've never felt this way about anyone before this, and we've been together for so long that it just kills me, Lonnie, it really does. I've loved you since I first saw you, that day at Kings Cross Station when we were 11, our first day of school. You helped me up, you smiled at me, and then you left and I thought, 'Someday, she's going to be my girlfriend.' It took me three years to actually pluck up the courage to do it. When you said yes, it was the happiest day of my life.

Secondly, I'm sorry.

I've tried to think of a thousand different ways to say this, but there's no way I can think of where it can sound right, because it's not right. It's wrong and I know it with every fibre of my being. But Lonnie, something's happened, and it might not make sense to you just yet, but I can't stay with you. I love you too much to hurt you like this. So please, don't question me or ask for explanations, because you won't get them. I know it might not seem like it now, but I do love you, I just don't want to see you getting hurt.

I'm sorry, I love you.

Freddie.

I know it's not right, it might not even make any sense, but I can't wait. The longer we're together, the more she gets hurt. I can't put her through that.

I attach the letter to Errol's leg and, watching him fly away out of the window, I think my heart breaks.

Finally free to grieve for myself, I shut the window, walk over to lock the door, and then lie down on Uncle Fred's bed, burying my face in his pillow, letting my tears soak into it as it muffles my cries.

It's about an hour later when I hear the shouting.

"Roxanne Weasley you get out of my way right now. I am going to see Freddie and I'm going to give him a piece of my mind."

There's a quieter voice, and I can hear the pleading tone, but not what's actually being said.

"No! He has no right! Absolutely no right to do this! At least he should have had the courtesy to say it to her face! And all the crap about loving her! If he loves her, then why the hell is he doing this?"

It's Alle. Of course it is. She'll have been the first person Lonnie told, and now she's here, and she's going to kill me. Alle is one of my best friends, but get on her bad side, and you're in a hell of a lot of trouble.

It sounds like Roxy's backed down. I hear the stomp of Alle's trademark Doc Martens coming down the hallway, and thank heaven that I locked the door.

"FREDDIE WEASLEY YOU OPEN THE DOOR THIS INSTANT! YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY YOU'RE BEING SUCH A SHIT-HEAD, BUT IF YOU DON'T OPEN THE DOOR RIGHT NOW THEN I AM GOING TO BLOW IT OPEN. UNDERSTAND?"

Where are Ginny and Harry? Why didn't they stop her? I can guess; Alle on the warpath is more terrifying than any Death Eater Harry deals with in his work.

"FREDERICK ARTHUR WEASLEY YOU OPEN THIS DOOR!"

Did she just use my full name? She just used my full name. I'm in real trouble now.

I let out a half groan into the pillow, still crying too hard to move properly. Alle's yelling again, and I cover up my ears. I don't want to speak to her. I don't want to move ever again.

There's silence for a moment, and it hits me again: the aching numbness of knowing that you're going to die. Everyone I love- I'll never see them again. You know what? If Alle kills me now then it'll be a blessing. I won't have to go through it, telling everyone. Because as much as I want to, it can't be hidden any more. I can't die without anyone noticing, or grieving, or having anyone asking for an explanation.

There's a huge bang. It looks like Alle's now throwing herself at the door, trying to smash it down. I can hear James talking to her.

"Wow, Alle! Shall we not break the doors today?"

Alle laughs sarcastically, throwing herself against the door again.

"Do you know what he's done, James? Do you know what he's gone and done?"

There's a pause.

"He's dumped Lonnie. By owl. On Christmas day."

"What?" I can hear James becoming confused, "But he loves her, he's always loved Lonnie. What's-?"

"That is exactly what I am trying to find out. So can you please back off, because at the moment, I am trying to open this bloody door."

She rams herself against it again.

"Uh, Alle, not to sound too judgemental, but aren't you a witch?"

There's a lengthy silence, and I pull the pillow up over my head, sobbing uncontrollably now. What am I supposed to say to her? I've already hurt Lonnie, and if I tell Alle, then she gets hurt too. And James can never know. He'll be so angry. He'll lash out at everything and everyone. I can't do that to him.

"Alright, James, you've managed to make me look stupid. Now can you leave so that I can deal with Freddie? You don't need to see this."

"Why?" He asks, confused.

"I'm going to murder him, and I'd rather you weren't here to watch."

James laughs a little, but I know he's thinking: Alle didn't see how I was earlier, how sick and pale I looked. I hear him mumble something and then traipse slowly away along the corridor.

I think Alle might have gone too, but now I realise she's actually just building back up her rage.

"Right." She's not yelling any more, but she sounds like she's ready to tear out my throat with her teeth, "I am going to give you one more chance. You open the door right now and explain to me what's going on, or I am going to come in there and kill you with my bare hands."

I don't answer, but I manage to let out a strangled choking noise.

"Freddie?" She asks, "Was that you?"

I roll over so that I'm facing the door and sit up, clutching my knees to my chest. My tears are still falling freely, and I can't do much but stare at the door hazily, trying to make sense of what's happening. The last two days feel like months, and now Alle's at the door, I can hear her whispering the spell, shoving it open, less angrily, but still forcefully. She gasps.

"Freddie?" She asks, stumbling forwards and peering at me, "Are you-? What's-?"

I realise she's never seen me cry before. I've always been the one comforting other people. Gryffindor bravery or something, I suppose. I'm not feeling very brave right now though.

Her moment of hesitation at seeing me leaves almost instantly, and she's back on form, remembering what it is that she came here to do.

"Oh don't you dare act all pathetic now. How dare you do this to her? How dare you!? It's Christmas day for god's sake! What the hell has happened to make you do this? And that crap you wrote about loving her. She's still crying now! And I come in here and Roxy looks like somebody's died and then you're up here crying your eyes out! Nothing makes sense and you are going to tell me what's going on." She stands still, arms folded across her chest and glaring at me.

I don't answer. I just look down and shut my eyes, hugging my knees even tighter and feeling the tears dribble down my cheeks.

"Freddie?" She asks, "What's going on? Are you ok?" She definitely sounds less angry now, and she sits down on the bed, her hand on my shoulder, "Please tell me. I can help."

What's with people thinking they can help me? They have no idea. No idea at all and yet they presume that they can make it all better.

"No, Alle." I say bluntly, trying to ignore the fact that my voice keeps breaking. "Please leave me alone. I'm sorry I've hurt Lonnie, but this is what's bes-"

"WHAT'S BEST? SHE'S SAT THERE AT HOME CRYING HER EYES OUT BECAUSE OF YOU! WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?"

"ALLE I CAN'T DO THIS RIGHT NOW! PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!"

Alle jumps to her feel, glaring at me. "DAMN RIGHT I DON'T UNDERSTAND! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON?"

Harry appears in the doorway, expressionless. "Alle, I think it's time for you to leave Freddie alone for a bit. Come on, we're just about to have some pudding."

She nods once, glaring at me, and then softening her expression, worried. "Freddie," She says quietly, looking at me intently. "If there was something really wrong you would tell me, right? We're friends, I'll always be here for you, and I know you're going to be here for me. Forever, right?"

She's giving me this pleading look, and I know I have to say something, or she'll be utterly crushed.

Not looking up at Harry, because I know what his expression will say, I smile and whisper, "Forever, Alle."

I don't look back up at either of them, and simply stare back down, screwing my eyes shut again and trying to make the world disappear.

I guess sometimes you have to hurt people to make them happy.


January third-The first day back at school-Hogwarts

Before we separate to go to our different houses, Roxy gives my hand one last squeeze and looks at me, desperately needing me to say something.

I don't, and she leaves with Lucy to go towards the Ravenclaw Common room, whilst I run to the bathrooms to throw up the little of the welcome back feast that I actually managed to eat.

When I get up to our dorm, James grins at me, "Alright Freddie-boy? How's life?"

I answer, "Shitty," and sit down on my bed, drawing the curtains and lying back, falling asleep almost instantly.


January 17th-The next day-Gryffindor Seventh year boys dorm

SPLOSH

The freezing water smacks into my face and I sit up suddenly, gasping for breath and swearing loudly.

"WHAT THE HELL, JAMES? WHY DID YOU DO THAT?"

He grins lopsidedly, "Look at the clock."

It's half three. In the afternoon.

"What?" I ask slowly, trying to understand, "Why didn't you wake me?"

He shrugs, "We tried, but you wouldn't wake up. Lysander was all for going to get Madam Pomfrey, but I told him to leave you be."

"But what about my lessons? McGonagall's going to kill me!"

"Nah, we had Transfiguration first anyway, she said it was alright and to let you sleep. I don't know what's happening, Freddie. First Dad, now McGonagall! Have you given them some kind of love potion or something? They're letting you do whatever you like." He sounds almost wistful.

I manage a half-hearted smile, "I guess I'm just a lovable person," I joke, managing to keep my expression reasonably happy looking, "So what happened? Did people miss me?"

"Well…" He looks up, "Lonnie kept staring at your empty seat in potions and mouthing your name, Alle was worried, and Slughorn, McGonagall and Longbottom all said they didn't mind you taking a day of lessons."

Lonnie.

I can't believe she's so close to me here, and I haven't even thought about her. She's probably sat there in the Slytherin common room right now, wondering what I'm doing. Oh no, I've ruined her life. Well, at least I won't be around to muck it up for much longer.

James frowns, watching my face twist in pain and sitting down on the edge of the bed.

"Chocolate Frog?" He asks, holding one out to me hopefully.

I shake my head, and swing my legs out of bed, looking down. "I think I'm going to go for a walk."


It's midnight. I went on a walk until midnight. Well, I guess if you're using technical language, most of it was a 'sit behind the greenhouses and cry', but yes, midnight.

When I get back to my dorm, everyone's asleep. It doesn't seem like they've noticed my nine hour disappearance.

Heading back down to the common room, I slump down into an armchair by the dying fire. I guess that's one thing I can relate to, huh?

It's quiet, and I close my eyes and nearly drift off to the gently ticking Grandfather Clock in the corner. Then I stop, opening my eyes and looking up, exhausted but determined.

Reaching over to the coffee table, I pick up some parchment and a quill left abandoned, and then I begin to write. It's a simple enough title, but seeing the words down on paper still makes me want to throw up.

Things I want to do before I die.

'Before I die'. I feel physically sick, and swallow back bile, trying to keep my face emotionless. I number one to five down the side of the page and then look up again.

Where do I start? What am I supposed to put? How do I begin to express everything I've ever wanted to do in my life?

I glance down at my page and find myself grinning as I scribble down something next to number one.

1. Megan Fox

Well, at least my sense of humour is intact.

Frowning again, I pick up the paper, scrunch it up into a ball and throw it into the fire, watching as the edges turn black and then burst into flames.

I watch it burn for a second, and then look up around the common room to make sure that no-one's in here before I let myself cry again. I pick up another piece of paper and scribble a new title. This one's much shorter, although there's still no doubt as to what I mean.

Fred's Bucket List

I still kills me to look at, but it's not as bad as the first one. And at least this time I can't write anything stupid.

Glancing down at it, I still have no idea what I'm going to put. I mean, I've always taken my future for granted before. It's just been something that's there. I'd go and work in the shop with Dad, find a nice girl, preferably Lonnie, settle down. I'd be quite well off with my earnings from the shop, it makes loads of money. I'd have two kids, a boy and a girl. The boy older, mind, so that he can beat up anyone who tries to hurt my baby.

I've never really thought much about it before, but if that's gone then what do I have?

The cancer's taken everything away from me. My family, my friends, Lonnie. What more is there left to take?

The answer comes almost instantaneously; me. I'm not going to let it take away me. I'm going to be who I am up until the end. No more crying, no more anger. I'm going to spent time with my family, and enjoy my life. I am not going to let it take me.

I number one to ten down the side of the page, and then start the list again.

1. Play a game of Quidditch in the World Cup stadium.

It's not much, but it's a start. I think for a minute, and then add something else to my list.

2. Ride a dragon

These are all stupid, petty things. Nothing of substance. Just dreams that people have when they're small.

Looking back at the list, I frown. This isn't what I want to do with my life. I know what I want to do with my life.

Blinking back tears, I pick up the quill and scribble down everything that's in my head.

The list comes easily now, and I write quickly. It's easy to think of all of the things that you'll never get to do.

2. Graduate.

3. Work in Dad's shop

4. Fall in love

5. Get married

6. Threaten Roxy's fiancée

7. Start a family

8. Hold my new-born baby in my ar

I stop writing half way through the last one. It hurts too much. Ignoring my promises, I watch a tear drip down the end of my nose and fall onto the paper, smudging the ink.

Slowly, painstakingly, I put my pen back to the paper and draw a straight line through each of numbers three to nine. What's the point of having stuff on you bucket list that you're never going to do?

There's a noise, I can hear somebody coming down the stairs. They're going to find me. They're going to see.

I hunch over on the chair, shielding my face and sobbing loudly. I can't help it. Everything hurts. I don't even care who it is anymore. I can hear them walking up to me. They gasp. And then they're picking up the list, looking at it. I can almost feel their confusion.

"Freddie?"

The voice is familiar, but wrong. I don't understand. She can't be here. And her voice is deep, sounding almost like…

It's Ross. Ross Thomas. Lonnie's little brother.

Only a fifth year, but I know he's smart. It won't take him long to figure it out and then… then…

"Freddie?" He asks, couching down in front of my chair, picking up the paper and studying it, "What's happening? What's this? Why have you have crossed out stuff on your Bucket list that you can't have done yet? I don't understand."

I don't look up. Of course he doesn't understand, he hasn't put it together yet. I haven't talked to him very often in the past, but he always seemed nice enough, kind. He didn't try to murder me after I left Lonnie, so I figure that he's either some kind of pacifist or just very compassionate. Would it hurt too much for just one person to know?

"Wh- What's the point of having stuff on your bucket list that you're never going to be able to do?"

"Freddie…" There's a long pause, as he tries to figure me out. Then he gasps again and grabs hold of my shoulder. "No!" He yells loudly, "No! I'm not going to let you! You can't! Lonnie'll take you back, I know she will, you don't have to- you don't have to kill yourself."

I nearly laugh. In fact, I do. A loud, bitter laugh that fills the room and makes Ross back away slightly, looking worried. He thinks I'm mad. If only.

"Ross, why on earth would I kill myself? Why would anyone take their life by choice? Don't you like being alive? For some people it's not that easy. Some people don't get that choice."

Ross stops and stands still, staring at me, his eyes are wide.

"No..." He says slowly, shaking his head, "Tell me I've got this wrong. You can't be-"

I nod and look back down at the floor, putting my head in my hands and breathing out slowly. "I'm sorry, Ross. I'm sorry I had to hurt Lonnie, but I didn't know what else I could do." I plead with him to understand, "I never wanted her to get hurt, she's everything to me. But I can't make her go through this with me. I'm not going to let her suffer. Please Ross, you have to understand."

"Freddie it's alright!" He exclaims, looking around desperately as if searching for someone to tell him how to deal with the situation. "It's ok. I get it, you don't have to be sorry, it's just- Jesus. You have enough to worry about without her as well. It's- I mean-" He stops and runs a hand through his hair, looking like he's in shock. He stares down at the floor awkwardly and mutters, "I'm sorry, Fred."

I nod again, avoiding his eyes. It's horrible. Seeing him so uncomfortable, with no idea what to do. I can't take it.

I wipe up my eyes and stand, still avoiding his face. "I-I think I'm going to go to bed. It's ok Ross. You don't have to be sorry. I'm… alright."

Ross stays where he is by the fire, watching me warily.

"Freddie." He says softly as I reach the bottom of the stairs. "They don't know do they? Your cousins, I mean."

"No." More tears spring up in the corners of my eyes. "How can I tell them now? I've had the cancer for a year, and I hid it. If I tell them now then they'll hate me. They're going to be so hurt." My voice breaks, and I turn around, starting up the stairs and away to my dorm.

"Hey, wait." Its Ross again, he's caught up with me, and now he looks at me with a still wary, but kind expression. "It'll be alright, you know." He says, smiling gently, "I'll help you, if you want. And here-" He holds out a piece of paper to me. "Your list, I-"

"Throw it in the fire. I don't need anyone else finding it."

He nods quickly, and I turn away, walking away and up to my dorm and keeling over onto my bed, fast asleep.


So, um, I just accidentally closed the tab and deleted everything that was written down here -_-
Just give me a minute to go and bang my head against a wall.

Right, anyway, re-writing all of my comments on this chapter.

Ok, firstly I would like to give each and every one of my reviewers a big hug. It means so much to me that you actually took the time to review my story, and you're all just so nice and I just love you all.
Secondly, I need to say thank-you to my dear friend Elisabeth (her fanfic page is u/3116792/Lissy1379 Check it out, she's brilliant) Anyway, Elisabeth helped me with this a lot. She helped me edit it and I owe her one. Even if she is bloody picky about grammar. (Does it really mater if I write 'ok' instead of 'okay'? Seriously?)
I'm kidding, I love you really :P
So yes, anyway I basically owe her a lot and she will be getting Toblerone on Monday :D

Onto the actual chapter, I'm not actually entirely sure how I feel about it. I guess I'm happy with it? I wrote it while I was on holiday so it was a case of stealing names from everyone there. There's quite a lot of angst and I know there needs to be more George and Angelina, and that's coming the chapter next :)
I have exams all next week though so I probably won't get a chance to update it until at the very earliest next weekend. I hope that's okay with everyone.

Ok, so here we go, you can ignore all this if you want. I'm not going to force all my other fics on you (even if there's only one and a half of them)

Alright, my first fic is called Beloved, and it's based on Roxy Weasley and Fred Weasley I. It was my first ever fanfic so I admit, the first few chapters are kind of choppy. But once you get past that I think the story is ok. The basic plot is that after Fred died he didn't exactly die, he stayed alive as a kind of ghosty type thing in the back of Roxy's mind. So he's still conscious and he can still think and he sees everything through Roxy's eyes. (I know, it's hard to explain. You get the general idea.) But then Roxy is viciously attacked, and from then on she can hear him. But there are lots of complications and tragedy and everything is going to hell and it's all angsty and tragic. Well, I like it anyway.

So yeah, that was the first one. Now the second one isn't published yet; I haven't finished editing the first chapter, but I'm really quite excited about it. It's a crossover fic between Harry Potter and The Hunger Games, in which all of the next gen kids are put into the Hunger Games and pitted against each other. (Yes, my stories are angsty, I know.) It's from the perspective of Victoire, and how she copes with the idea of having to kill off her cousins and etc. etc. lots of Vic and Teddy love if there are any shippers here and so much angst. It'll be published as soon as I manage to get my act together and edit it and then think up a name :)

So yeah, those are my other fics, if anybody's interested :)

So, erm apart from all that just one million hugs and kissers to reviewers and thank-you for reading. And I would really, really appreciate it if you read one of my other stories too, and I just love you all :)
From, Hannah :)