Chapter 3: The Homecoming
When we return to District 12, I'm thankful that there is no crowd or camera crew waiting for us at the train station. Peeta leaves me at the town center to stop by the bakery.
Prim greets me excitedly when I walk in. "We saw the commercial for your honeymoon."
"Oh." I frown. I had hoped that it would only air in the Capitol. "Is it mandatory to view?"
"No, they just announced the times. The kids at school are pretty excited about watching it though."
I wince, thinking of our seduction scene.
I give Prim and my mother the souvenirs I bought for them on the island, a collection of sand and seashells in a bottle, a large shell with a beach scene painted on it, and a figurine of a woman with a fish tail instead of legs.
That night I start to get ready for bed, but my mom stops me. "Pack up some daily essentials and go sleep with Peeta. Tomorrow we will pack the rest of your things."
"What? No, I'm not moving."
"You're married now. You need to start acting like it."
"Well then he can move here." Living alone with Peeta in his house just seems too intimate.
"Then Prim and I will move back to our house in the Seam."
"No, stay here. I'll move in with Peeta." I can't believe my mom just blackmailed me out of my own house. It's almost as ridiculous as blackmailing me into living alone with my husband. I sigh.
I enjoy sleeping with Peeta, but after such a long time away from home, I really just want to sleep in my own bed. Instead, I pack a bag of clothes and my toothbrush and walk over to my new residence. Peeta seems a little surprised to see me, but accepts me happily.
When I wake at sunrise, Peeta's arms are still wrapped around me. I try to gently slip out of his grasp without waking him, but he's already awake.
"Morning."
"Morning. Did I wake you?"
"No, I've been awake. You fell asleep on my arm. I didn't want to disturb you." He stretches and massages his arm.
"You could have gotten me up."
"It's ok. I like watching you sleep, remember? You don't scowl as much."
I snort at him and start put on my wool coat and boots.
"Where are you going? I thought you were moving in today."
"I am, but I'm dying to go hunting. I'll be back around lunch. Besides, it's not like I have much to move. Most of the stuff I own came with the house."
He walks me downstairs. "I was going to cook you breakfast, but I picked up some raisin bread from the bakery yesterday if you want to take it with you." He retrieves the bread for me.
"Thank you." I take it.
"I'll have lunch ready when you get back."
I nod, a hint of a blush creeping on my face. "See you later then." I hurry out the door. I wonder if a normal married couple has a similar morning routine.
As I pass through the Seam, I see workers on their way to the mines. Surely, Gale has heard by now that I've returned from the honeymoon. It will be a few days until Gale has off work in the mines. Until then, we will be painfully aware of each other's presence in the district but never crossing paths. I change into my hunting gear at my old house, then slip under the fence and into the woods.
I feel like I can breathe freely again. I pull my bow and arrows out of the log where I keep them hidden and walk through the woods. I don't even focus on finding game; I just let the woods reclaim and calm me. I easily shoot a few squirrels and doves, and the morning passes too quickly. I sigh when I see the sun overhead and reluctantly exit the woods. I pass by the homes of a few poor families to donate my game. I save the fattest squirrel and dove for Gale's family. I'm irritated that everyone I meet asks about the honeymoon or mentions the TV show. Even Gale's mom Hazelle asks, but she understands me better than most, so I answer her truthfully.
"Invasive."
"I'm sure. Did you enjoy yourself at all? I mean, besides the food."
"It actually would have been good without the cameras. Good hiking, and the water was nice."
"Good company too." Hazelle gives me a wink. I don't know how to respond. She is right of course, I do enjoy Peeta's company, I just expected her to be more disappointed that I didn't marry Gale.
When I get back to Peeta's house, lunch is ready and my mother and Prim are there waiting for me. Peeta invited them over to eat and then help me move. Enlisting my family to help me move was hardly necessary. While my collection of possessions has grown more than I realized since becoming a Victor, it takes little more than half an hour to move all of my things to Peeta's. He offers me exclusive use the bigger bathroom for privacy. I accept appreciatively, and he moves his toiletries to the guest bathroom. I'm annoyed to find that with the skin and hair care products that my styling team obliges me to use, I have a fair amount of toiletries to fill up my new bathroom. The moving process is finished and my mother and sister have gone to my previous home. I stare at Peeta, unsure what comes next. What did I used to do to pass the time at home?
Peeta has some idea. "How do you want to divide up the chores?"
I never thought much about chores. Most of my time has always been spent keeping my family alive, so I left the chores to Prim and my mother. "Um, I'll do the hunting if you do the baking," I offer.
Peeta laughs, which makes me feel better. "So far so good. I hate doing the dishes. Do you mind doing them?"
"Sure, that's fine."
"Anything you don't want to do?"
"No, I'm indifferent."
I let Peeta divvy up the rest of the chores. He will mop if I will sweep. He will take out the trash, so that I can admire his strength, he jokes. He considers cleaning the countertops part of the cooking process, so he will take care of that. We will each clean our own bathrooms and do our own laundry. He offers to do mine, but I don't feel entirely comfortable with him handling my bras and underwear, especially since my stylists have added lacy items to my wardrobe. I will perform most of the lawn care duties since I enjoy my time outside. Peeta will maintain the flower garden since I didn't even notice he had one. I will dust and Peeta will vacuum. I hadn't known so much was involved in keeping a house clean. Since I don't know what else to do with myself, I go outside to cut the grass.
That night, Peeta surprises me when he pulls off his artificial leg, rubbing the stub that is left. He sees my face. "Sorry. Does this bother you?"
"No," I lie. "I've just never seen you take it off before." Peeta uses it so naturally now that I hardly noticed it on the honeymoon. Or at least I refused to acknowledge that I saw it.
"I don't usually. It's very high quality so it doesn't bother me, but every now and then it's nice to take it off and stretch and let my skin breath."
I try not to look at his mutilated flesh and try not to let it bother me, but all I can think is how because of me he no longer has his leg. Peeta notices and reattaches the artificial limb then caresses my shoulder reassuringly.
That night in my dreams, Peacekeepers saw off Peeta's leg while he screams and I watch behind a glass wall.
I spend most of the next day hunting, which leaves me feeling more peaceful and happier than I've felt in weeks. I make the rounds giving food to needy families and trade for supplies at the Hob. Everywhere I go, people ask about the honeymoon. I bring home a few grouses that I figure my mom can cook for dinner.
Peeta is outside as I approach home. He smiles at my bounty. "You brought home dinner! Is that some kind of chicken?"
"It's a grouse."
"I've never eaten grouse. What can I make with it?"
I glance down at the birds and back at Peeta. The idea of Peeta cooking my game hadn't occurred to me. "A stew, maybe. I don't usually cook. There's enough to share with my family, so why don't we get my mother to help?"
Peeta smiles. "Okay. I'll go invite them so you can get started."
I nod and walk into Peeta's house. I feel out of place in his kitchen. I pull the trashcan by the table and start plucking the down feathers of the biggest grouse. I'm halfway done when Peeta returns. "Katniss, what are you doing?"
"I'm plucking the feathers. We can't eat it with feathers on it."
"Well, I know that, but can't you do that outside?"
I stare dumbly at the bird. I suppose I can, but why is it such a big deal? Does he find a dead animal so offensive? I finally understand when Peeta starts sweeping the stray pieces of feathers that floated around the kitchen. "I'm sorry. I always just cleaned it inside. I'll take it outside." I still don't feel like it's a big deal, but the kitchen is Peeta's place so I take my birds outside. There's no table for me to work on, so I just sit on the steps and pluck.
A few minutes have gone by when Peeta comes outside with the trashcan. He frowns at me. "Can you do that in the backyard? There are feathers everywhere now." He hands me the can. I grab the can and my birds and walk to the back, rolling my eyes. Once I survey the backyard, I frown. There is no table or surface or even a chair for me to work on. It would be so much quicker and easier to just skin the birds, but I still cannot bear to waste food, so I sit on the ground and pluck the feathers over the trashcan, which is hardly comfortable. Next time I'll just clean my game at my old house.
Once I'm done plucking the birds and my back hurts, I burn off the remaining feather fluffs and return to the kitchen. I'm about to slice off the limbs when Peeta interrupts, "Katniss, use the cutting board!" He points behind me at several slabs of wood and plastic. I grab a wooden one. "No, that one is for vegetables. Use the white one." I glare at him. I am about to cut him.
Peeta meets my gaze for a second before closing his eyes and taking a slow breath. "Am I being too bossy? I don't mean to make you angry, but you should cut raw meat on a separate surface to avoid—"
"Cross-contamination," I sigh and nod.
He smiles with a slight effort. "Why don't I help?" I show him how to cut up and gut the bird. He makes a face at the innards but attends interestedly while I explain which parts are good to eat. My mother and sister arrive. I leave my mother to manage the kitchen and sit with Prim in the living room.
"Are you gonna watch your honeymoon? The first episode is tonight."
I frown. "I wasn't planning on it."
"I want to watch it." She seems so excited about it that I don't have the resolve to tell her no, so I figure I'll let my mother do it. I wait for Prim to bring it up again during dinner.
"I'm not sure if she should watch it, Mother. They made us pretend we were about to…" I trail off in hopes that she will understand.
"We saw the commercials," my mother informs me. "Some of it did look a lot more improper than I would have liked for them to do with my daughter." Her mouth is in a thin, tight line.
"But everyone knows all that stuff was just for the cameras. The rest of it looked fun," Prim protests.
Peeta speaks up somewhat unhappily, "It probably would be good to watch it, if only to know what everyone else will see."
I know Peeta is right, but I don't want to watch it, much less think about everyone in District 12 watching it. I close my eyes and wish I could prevent all the TVs from airing the program. I wonder if the Mayor has the power to stop broadcasts. He would probably get in trouble for doing that kind of thing anyway.
I sit away from Peeta on the couch. I don't want to be next to him when our sex scene plays. I'm glad when my mother sits next to me. As hard as it is to accept her help, I need maternal support right now. I feel so much like a child.
I spend the majority of the next day hiding in humiliation. My family and Peeta assured me that it was not that bad, that I looked good, and that the bedroom scene was more flirtatious than racy. But all I can see are images of me running around nearly naked, my body both ugly and skinny yet somehow unnervingly sexual. All I can think of are all the people who saw Peeta's hands running over my body, saw him carry me to the bed, and assumed that sex naturally followed. I consider going hunting to clear my head, but I can't get to the fence without going through town, and what would I do with all that game I catch if I'm avoiding people?
Peeta frequently attempts to cheer me up and encourages me to busy myself, which quickly begins to irritate me. I'm still mad at him for letting the cameras catch him asking if we can have a break to have sex, even though he swears he didn't know. He even suggests I go into town and face people to get it over with.
"You go face people," I snarl. "And while you're at it, tell them that it was all fake."
He leaves me finally. I can tell I hurt his feelings, but I'm too bitter to care.
Finally Sunday arrives. I wake at dawn and try to move quietly to not wake Peeta, but he wakes as soon as I leave the bed. "You're such a light sleeper," I comment apologetically.
"You're going meet Gale?" He looks uncomfortable.
"Yes." I don't know what else to say. We stare at each other awkwardly for a moment before I turn and leave.
I've been apprehensive about meeting with Gale all week, but now because of the broadcast I'm dreading it. I want to avoid him for a few more days, but the Reaping is this week and I won't have the chance to see him for another month if I don't go now. I find signs of Gale at our meeting place, but he didn't wait for me there. I search for him where I know he likes to set snares. I find him pulling a rabbit out of a trap I set yesterday.
He doesn't even look up. "Hello, Mrs. Mellark." I grimace, unable to respond. "How was the honeymoon?"
I shrug, uncomfortable. "The place was really nice. It was really annoying having a camera crew stalk us all week."
"I suppose that's the case when you become a big star. The attention gets annoying. It seems like you are enjoying your new job though."
I narrow my eyes. "What the hell are you talking about? You know I hate this."
"You and your new husband seem pretty happy," he replies flatly.
"I have to appear happy! I have to do whatever I can to convince the districts that I'm in love with Peeta!"
"Right, which is why you married him." Gale's face clearly shows that he doesn't believe my justification.
"You think I wanted any of this? You think I wanted to be forced to get married and film a TV show about my honeymoon?"
"I can see how that would stifle the romance, but that really didn't seem to stop you." He continues, his voice getting nastier, "I would think twice about a career in porn though. It's bad enough being the Capitol's whore."
I drop my bow and my game and run the entire way back to my house. I'm out of breath and sobbing but I don't stop until I throw myself onto Peeta's bed.
On Peeta's bedside table is his sketchbook, opened to a freshly drawn image of me. My hair is down and unruly and my face is lined with an orange glow. He must have drawn me from memory as soon as I left him this morning. I press the drawing to my chest and curl up on our bed, sobbing again.
Peeta is at my side instantly. "What happened?" he prods gently.
"I'm sorry," I wail. I feel him stiffen and draw away. I glance at him. He's very pale. I sit up. "What?"
"Why are you sorry?" He says unsteadily.
I look at the lovely drawing in my lap and more tears brim over. "For leaving you this morning."
"Is that all?" He looks relieved.
"Well, no, but… what did you think I was going to say?"
He gives a grunt. "Something much worse."
My eyes darken. "You thought I slept with him, didn't you?"
"I was terrified you did."
"Right, because I do that. That's who I am. I'll just sleep with whoever I want and don't care who it hurts."
"I didn't say that."
"Well you meant it!" I shout at him. "That's really what you guys think of me?"
His eyes narrow. "You ran in crying. Why are you really so upset?"
I crumble back into a sobbing, fetal mess. Peeta crawls into bed and embraces me. "What happened?"
I sob for a few minutes before I can get it out. "He called me a whore."
"A whore?" Peeta's tone is one I've never heard before. "Because you married me?"
"The Capitol's whore," I clarify.
Peeta is silent for a while. His voice is his normal, gentle one when he speaks again. "You know he just said that because he's hurting."
"I know." I sniff. "But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt."
He holds me for a long time in silence. I am drifting off when he whispers, "Do you want anything? I can cook you something. You haven't eaten."
"Cheese buns," I say immediately. He starts to leave. "And while it's baking, can you come up here and draw me?"
He considers me for a moment, then answers, "Of course."
I doze off and when I wake up Peeta is sitting in front of me sketching. When he sees I'm awake, he leans over and strokes my cheek. "Hey."
I smile. "Hey. Can I see?"
"It's just an outline. I haven't added much detail yet." He shows me. It's already a beautiful picture.
"Keep drawing." I watch him while he works. I often think that Peeta has a peaceful world hidden inside him. I wish I could crawl inside that place and sleep there forever.
He puts down his sketchbook. "I'm close enough to being done if you want to move. I need to take out the cheese buns."
I stretch and decide to get up. I'm walking down the stairs when I hear the doorbell and Peeta opening the door. I hear Gale's terse voice say, "Peeta" right before I hear the impact of flesh followed by a clatter.
I sprint to the door to find Peeta standing with his fists clenched at the top of the steps. Gale is on his back at the foot of the steps, clutching his cheek.
"If you ever talk to her like that again I'll do a lot worse." Peeta's voice has assumed that frightening intensity again.
I scurry between them. "Peeta! Stop!"
Gale holds out his hand. "It's fine, Katniss. He's right. I deserve it."
Peeta considers Gale for a moment, his jaw clenched. He then disappears into the kitchen, apparently having decided that Gale's remorse is enough to spare him from further beating.
Gale follows me into the study. I close the door and wait for him to speak.
"Look, I don't know—I shouldn't have said that. I'm not angry at you. Well, I am, but I do understand that it's not really your fault. I just don't know how to deal with this. I love you, and a year ago I thought we were going to be together, and then you get thrown together with him and now you're married to him. I just—Is it really over between us? You got married and there's no chance we'll be together anymore? Did all of this really happen?"
I don't answer him. I'm not even sure myself.
He snorts, not even looking at me. "I can't stand that I'm the one making you cry and he's the one comforting you." Finally he looks at me with his handsome, sarcastic smile. "Do me a favor and tell him to upset you, so you can come crying to me, and I can be the good guy for a change."
I smile weakly. "I'll tell him."
He stands quietly for a while, taking in the sight of me. "There's really no chance for us?" he asks in earnest.
Immediately I'm shaking and crying again. I want to tell him yes. I want to tell him that I'll leave this coerced existence with Peeta and live with him forever in the woods like we always have. I'm searching my mind for this life I could have with him, but I already know that it's gone. "I don't think it's possible."
He rushes to me and kisses me, taking my face in his hand. His soft lips press against mine aggressively and I breathe in the smell of the woods. I'm ravenous for his lips, his love, and the future with him that is now lost to us. I wrap my arms around his neck and press into him, desperate to forget that this cannot last, desperate to keep it.
He pulls away so suddenly that I almost start crying again.
"Look, if it's over, I need to get over you. I need to not see you for a while."
I bite my lip and nod, tearing up again.
"I'm going to start taking Rory into the woods on Sundays. I'd appreciate it if you don't come, for a while anyway. You're going to be going to the Capitol soon anyway. I'll do my best to get over you, and maybe we can be friends after a while. I miss my best friend."
"Me too." I haven't had him for a year.
He grabs the doorknob to leave, then stops and looks back at me. "You know what I think about all the time? If I had volunteered to take Peeta's place, then you might be marrying me."
I consider the scenario. "No, I wouldn't. You never would have played their games or catered to the cameras, and you would have died in the arena protecting me." We smile at each other, knowing that it's true. "Even if we had managed the star-crossed-lovers routine, the second Seneca Crane announced that we could only have one winner, you would have slit your throat and left me alone to take care of both our families."
He chuckles. "Yeah, that sounds right. I guess I'll just try to remember that if he didn't love you, you might not have come home at all. I'll see you." He leaves.
I sit in the plush armchair and cry for a good hour and a half before leaving the study. The cheese buns that Peeta left out for me are cold now. I find Peeta painting in his art room. He doesn't look up so I leave him and go to the living room to eat my cold cheese buns alone.
Peeta doesn't speak to me or even emerge from his art room the rest of the day. He sleeps in the guest bedroom and I go to bed alone to cry myself to sleep. I wake up shrieking and he is there. He holds me for the rest of the night.
I wake up with the sunrise and, for once, I get to watch him sleep.
"You dreamed of me last night." He opens his eyes.
"What?"
"You dreamed of me, not Gale."
"Really?" I search my memory. "I had a couple dreams with him there."
"Yes, but you spent most of the night screaming for me."
"I guess I knew that you would come," I smile sadly at him, "even though I hurt you."
"You kissed him didn't you?"
My eyes drop as it hit me that I cheated on my husband.
He interprets my silence as affirmative. "I can't pretend that doesn't hurt me, Katniss. Please don't kiss him again."
"I won't," I whisper and plant a soft kiss on Peeta's mouth.
