a/n: next part! thanks again for the response to this fic – it's quite overwhelming! I know a lot of you people were looking forward to the party, and so here we go with it. I love reading your predictions in the reviews. I have a good amount of this planned out, have had it planned out, and it's great to read where you all think it's heading. I know a lot of people were questioning about the fire and the smoke – that's been addressed a bit in this part. It'll be dissected more probably in the next chapter/throughout the fic. Heads up for more sassy Johanna. Actually, basically mostly sassy Johanna. I was going to add more interactions, but I cut it off a bit earlier because I got a pit carried away and more interactions will come out next one. Thanks~
Please refer to the M rating of this fic.
she rings like a bell through the night and
wouldn't you love to love her?
she rules her life like a bird in flight and
who will be her lover?
rhiannon | fleetwood mac
.03.
She's in front of me, sitting alone on the couch and looking uncomfortable. Her eyes glance sideways as she takes a slight sip from her cup. The music is pounding and there are other people in this room. I think. I don't know. I just see her on that big couch, sitting alone.
I have my own cup in my hands and I take a quick drink. I take a quick deep breath. I sit down next to her. This is it. "Hey Katniss." I want to just leave now. My voice is uneasy and nervous.
But I don't leave because I hear her voice. "Hi Peeta."
I look at her, surprised, and she chuckles a bit as she hides a blush in her drink. "I didn't realize you knew my name."
"Of course I know your name, Peeta. Peeta Mellark." She has the taunt of a smile on her face and she looks amused. I wonder if it's possible to fall in love with the same person multiple times, over stretches of five seconds because that's what it feels like. "You work at your parent's bakery. You used to wrestle and play football but can't since..." She shakes her head and I can't find words. She continues. "You're in my history, english and math class this year. You invited Johanna and all of us here. I've heard another rumor about you too."
I blink and just look at her. "What rumor?"
My god is she coming closer to me? It's not just my imagination, her cup is on the table nearby, mine somehow there as well, and she is closer. She's leaning, so that her face is right in front of mine. There's distance, but barely any. I wonder vaguely if I would be pissed about my personal space bubble being popped if it was someone else in this situation, but this is Katniss. She can get as close as possible and it still won't be close enough. "There's a rumor..." Her finger trails down my chest, slowly, and I shiver. A slight twitch in my pants lets me know just how much I am enjoying this. "Just some idle gossip, really..."
"What is that?" I try and focus on her face but she's watching her hand as it dances up and down up and down on my chest.
"Word is, you have a crush on me," she says in a whisper. Her face is closer to mine, and my heart is beating hard in my mind, in my chest, everywhere. I'm silent, only I'm not because I'm breathing too loud. Too loud. And I can hear my blood rushing in my ears as her face gets closer to me. I know that the blood is rushing down, away from my brain and my jeans feel like they're tightening. Dammit I cannot think straight and I have to. What do I say? How do I say anything? Everything is Katniss and all I feel is the effect she has on me.
"So? Do you?" She asks and god she is even closer. She moved, and she's now right in front of me and crouched down so that her head is level with mine. Her hands are on my knees and if she moved her eyesight down, she'd be able to see how hard I am. I lick my lips subconsciously.
"I–" I start off and falter. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to react. She smiles at it, as if my inability to talk is either a joke or endearing. I don't know which.
"You?"
"Yes," I breathe out and she breathes me in as she gets closer and her lips glue to mine. Her mouth opens instantly and I react. Our tongues move together and vaguely in my mind, I think that I really am kissing Katniss Everdeen. And not some sweet, chaste awkward first kiss where teeth bump, but a kiss. A real kiss, where our mouths are open and our eyes are shut. She gets closer and sits on my lap. But she doesn't stop kissing me. Her hands are on my face, holding me there as if I would actually leave. She gets closer. And then she's sitting there, right on top of me and I think for a minute I should be embarrassed because she can definitely feel how I feel about her kissing me, how I most definitely have something more than just a crush on her. She stops kissing me and looks at me with a smirk as she rolls her hips into mine and kisses my neck.
I wake up with a moan stuck in my mouth. And then a curse.
Of course it's a dream, something too good to be true. I dream about her too much, and if I don't dream about her it's about the fire. How it turns out with sleep is either waking up disappointed with a hard-on, or waking up in terror, my hands instantly going to my leg to feel my scar. And of course before the party I decided to take a nap. And of course I had a dream in which a better outcome than I could even hope for happened at the party.
I sigh and look down. Yup, completely hard. When I first woke up from a dream like this of Katniss and the obvious effects, I was ashamed. I felt like I was crossing a boundary, thinking of her in such a way that was completely of body and lust. I got over that quickly enough though, and gave in. I tried to, a couple of times, to get off on the idea of a girl who wasn't dark haired, usually in a braid but it was sprawled out for me. I tried to imagine someone without the dark olived skin and toned body, with the freckles that you can't see right away. It was no use, and did nothing for me. And I am a teenage boy. That is a viable excuse, so I use it. I can't help it. My body reacts, my body needs, and well, it's not like I'm even kissing anyone let alone have a different way to relieve this tension.
No matter what I try to imagine, it always becomes her again. Not one of my more romantic endearments I have, but that's how it is.
I decide to shower and take care of what I have to, killing two birds with one stone. After I got back from school I worked a good two hours in the bakery, running around and doing as much as I could so the fact that I wasn't working tonight would be fine. Dad says he's fine regardless, that I didn't have to pack in that extra work for two hours and could just enjoy a friday fully to myself like most highschoolers, but I still helped. I work all this weekend too, and I'm fine with that. I don't want to leave him tonight though, that's not fair. And I know that Jakob isn't going to help. So I put in two hours and took a nap.
And now I desperately need a shower.
I make my way into the bathroom and get in under the water. I sigh as I see that I'm still completely hard, and my hand makes its way to start pumping. The idea of my dream, of being at the party and kissing Katniss Everdeen, is too much so I try something different instead and all I can imagine is her pulling me into some janitor's closet at school. It's a pathetic sort of dream up, but it gets the job done and soon enough I come undone. It's easier in the shower, and after I just get on my way with washing up. I get out, towel off, and make my way back into my room to get dressed. Just a simple black t-shirt and jeans. This is not a dress up party and, if I'm being honest, I am overanalyzing. I am thinking of Katniss of course, and I know for fact that whatever she wears if she even shows up, will not be all polished. Besides that, I have a feeling that she is not one to be impressed by someone's state of dress. If anything, overdressing could get a scoff or roll of the eyes, at best.
Ostentatious is not a good look, and definitely not one that Katniss enjoys.
Why do I let myself care this much? I am too wrapped up in all of this. I always dress like this to any damn party I go to but suddenly there's reasons to it, besides the shirt was clean or at least smelled it. I'm hopeless. It's going to be another damn party, but maybe I'll just have Katniss Everdeen to look at and not talk to at all because we all know that I won't gather the courage to do so. Kiss her? I scoff aloud at the thought. There's not going to be kisses tonight.
My dream's images flash through my mind and I quickly try to run through recipes of different breads to distract myself. I consider calling and letting Colton know I came down with one of those twenty-four hour bugs (you know, with the name of mortification and dread), but I know I can't. For one, I would have to strangle myself if I (indirectly) actually got Katniss Everdeen to come to a party and then didn't go. That, and I know that Johanna Mason would destroy every bone in my body and stop my bloodflow if I even considered not going.
The rain finally cleared up, and although my leg still aches, I start walking my way to Colton's. He lives deeper in our part of the Town, which just translates to more money. Farther removed from the Seam means better off, as if the place is some parasitic area that feasts upon money. It's about a fifteen minute walk and although I'll probably be annoyed with the ache later in the evening, I welcome it. The chilly air is a definite welcome and it seems to clear my mind every time a gust of wind comes through. Which is what I need.
I come up to Colton's soon enough, and see a couple but not many cars there. That's not surprising; for one, not everyone could drive. Not everyone goes for their license right away, seeing as how anything you'd ever need is in walking distance. The other reason is that even if people can drive, not everyone has a car. Most in the Seam don't, but a good lot of us on the other side of the train tracks don't as well. They're a bit nerve-wracking, if I'm being honest. Sometimes necessary, but overall I'd much rather an aching walk than a car. I open the door and see a good chunk of people already inside and I hear the music blasting. A lot of people are opening the glass door in the kitchen, letting themselves out onto the lawn. Packs of different beers stood in their boxes at the corner of the kitchen table. More are piled upon it, along with some hard liquor.
"Peeta!" I hear someone call my name and turn to see a group walking towards me. Victor, Delly, and Elyssa are coming towards me, drinks in hand and, judging by how much Delly is swaying, already a couple of drinks in.
"Hey guys," I tell them, picking up one of the no named beers and allowing myself to take a sip.
"So the people that are here right now is the crew," Colton started explaining to all of them as he came over, slapping my shoulders and taking a swig of his own drink. "Everyone else'll get here within a half hour, so let's get going on the drinking. Peeta, the others already know but there's a bonfire outside that we're all going to."
I hide my nervous gulp in my drink. Really? A bonfire? Upon everything, I have to deal with this? "No thanks," I tell them, my nerves on high alert and my tension, even I can read it on myself.
"Alright... Well see you!" He says and they make they're way out. Delly looks over at me and I mouth an "I'm fine" as she smiles and heads out.
A bonfire. I invited Katniss Everdeen to a party with a bonfire. I don't know what her feeling is of fire, with something even as small as a bonfire, but I have an idea that it's not good. Worse than mine, definitely. But I don't talk to her, and even if I did, what she thinks about fires, and what I do, is the last thing I'd want to talk about.
In the year that I was fourteen, the whole town dealt with two tragedies and both hit me hard I guess. The first one a bit literally. Early on in the school year, an accident caused a fire in the bakery. It wasn't that big a tragedy really, just an almost-tragedy moreof. Needless to say, the loss of the product and such could bring more emotion to my mother than any feeling I could hope to see on her when I finally get my diploma. But our standings in being a part of the Town, from the right side of those traintracks, along with mother's insistence, has put the fire in the bakery two years ago only second to one other disaster. I was always a clumsy kid, and of course the day of our fire was no different. I tripped as the fire roared behind me. As my family already got out and the firefighters were making their way in. I remember thinking, 'My god this is it, I'm going to die, I'm going to die.' It seemed like the only thing that could run through my mind, the words that were repeating the only scenario I could envision: I was going to die. When I think back on it, I never was going to die. All I did was trip, and besides, firefighters, like I said, were on their way in. But I fell, and all I could register was the heat of the flames as they tangoed closer and closer, and the walls of the bakery were the only things I could focus on. Pain flashed upon me and woke me up and I was able to push myself off the floor and got out of the place. It was a piece of burning metal, and after I got out and away from the danger, I could actually feel it. It gave me my limp. It gave me my scars. But it also woke me up and made it so I could save myself. No one else was hurt.
The other tragedy, the true tragedy, happened the same year, and it was a fire as well. Only, it was a home and not just a place of business. The home is still intact now, which is said to be some sort of miracle. It was late at night when it happened, a gas leak from the stove. The father of the household was in the kitchen, and I overheard adults talking of how it seemed that he was right in the line of fire, quite literally. He had no chance.
The home overall maybe was given the miracle of survival, but Mister Everdeen did not recieve such luck.
The second fire within a week, the only two fires that year. Fires usually happen every now and then, but no other fires graced the place that year. They're usually small and contained, but the one at the bakery consumed product and the one in the Everdeen household consumed a life.
Fire, it seemed to be catching.
"Ah, Bread Boy!" A voice snaps me out of me being lost in thoughts. I notice that I am standing near the glass door just staring at the bonfire as I hold onto my drink. I take a deep breath. Parties are meant to unwind one. I turn and take a sip to greet Johanna.
"Thanks for the new name, Johanna. Hi," I say, and she comes in with people trailing her.
She smirks. "Yeah well, we already got this Blondie here, and it's going to get confusing to keep calling both of you the same name. Now be polite and greet our other guests." Johanna takes her leather jacket and flings it off of her and acts as if she doesn't see all of the eyes that are glued to her. She goes right to pouring herself a drink.
I look to the others. "Hi Madge. Katniss. Gale." I keep it even, slipping her name between the others. Madge greets me quietly but fully and goes about making herself a drink. Gale nods and does the same. Katniss stands there for a bit and nods as she mutters a hello to me, not looking in my eyes. Well, here I am, right? I need to stop falling into self doubt and losing myself in memories and just exist in now. Katniss is in front of me. I'm slightly completely in love with her. I need to have a conversation with her.
"So–"
"Alright, Mellark, come on over here." I'm seriously just going to punch Johanna Mason. I don't care if she's the reason that Katniss is here or anything, she just tugs me away from her and brings me to her. I think that she's bringing me over to the others, and maybe Katniss will join us after that, but it's just me and her. She looks over to Katniss, who's watching us intently. "Go on now, Brainless. Scamper along. I'll send Bread Boy to find you later to inflict conversation upon you but you're on your own now. Us grown ups need to talk." Her hand was over my shoulders. I watch Katniss' eyes flicker to mine and then go back to Johanna's quickly, as if she's much more comfortable for her to look at than me. She quickly picks up a beer and heads off and away.
I take Johanna's hand off of me. "What the hell was that for, Mason?"
She snickers and takes a big gulp of her drink. "What, were you about to woo her right there? You have a lot to learn, and good thing I am here for you to learn it. Now, I need to know the full extent of your situation. You said you've been..." She searches for a word and her hand moves fast in front of her as she tries for something. "you've been whatever the hell it is you feel for her since you first met her, yes?"
"Yes." My answer is quiet. I want her to quiet down. Thank god everyone is talking and drinking and there is loud music.
"Alright, now what would would you use for this? You like her? You wanna fuck her? You want to take her one a couple of dates and start something just to break it off?"
"Christ, Johanna. I'm in love with the girl, alright? Are you happy? There. I said it to you. Now you know as well. I'm. In. Love. With her."
Her face is amused, and she takes another sip of her drink. "Yeah, figured you'd tack that word onto it. You're a bit early with using it though, don't you think?"
"No."
"How many conversations have you had with her?" She asks me.
I scowl. "I–"
"How many times did you ever hold her hand? Touch her? Kiss her? Make love to her? That's what love is made of."
I stop her. "No, Johanna. Now you're wrong. I get it okay, you're the Highly Knowledgeable Senior and you know all about the world and how shitty it is. But love isn't all of those physical things, god. If I didn't know better I'd say that you've never been in love."
She raises one of her eyebrows at me. I'm sure she's just surprised as I am at my outburst. "I have no need or use of it."
"Right, of course. So you see it as some thing that comes from physical acts. But, no. That's not it! She makes me feel weak in my knees. My insides churn whenever I catch her eyes if I'm looking at her. She lights up a whole room. She's beautiful inside and out, and cares so much for her sister it's so easy to see. She's a great older sibling. She has a hard exterior, but if you pay attention, there's some people that can get through. It's amazing, she's amazing. I want to get through. I want her to let me in. I want to see what it's like to hold her hand, because I know that there would be a spark. I want her to feel it as well." I'm talking nonsense, and even more to Johanna. I try and stop myself so that I can't do more damage than I already have.
"Alright, Lover Boy, alright, now let's slow down. So you have these feelings inside for her. And you sound so determined and sure of it, and of her. Do you really know what she's like though? Do you know anything about her, truly? You have the idea of her, which, yeah, what you've told me of the girl right there sounds like something I'd want to jump on right away. But do you really know her? You need to communicate with the girl, alright? Before you jump to conclusions with this weighty word, you have to actually know the face behind all of that wonderful crap. People don't like her. I know, people don't like me either. I get it, both of us in our own ways are hard to swallow. But me and you, we've talked, right?"
More of you told me what to do. "Right."
"Am I different than what you thought I was?"
I think to how I saw Johanna. A crude and bawdy person with no regards to people's personal information or space. After the couple of days I've talked to her, I've come to the conclusion that she is exactly that. But there's more. There's this side of her, the one where she talks to you like you're a little child who knows nothing but is really, in the end looking out for you. I know that she's beating this in my head for my own good. That she is looking out for me even. There is a good side to Johanna Mason, it's just mixed in with that whole part that she said, the idea of Johanna Mason. She wants to help me figure out Katniss, at least I think she does. It's as Madge says I guess, where she wants to rid me and her both of our purity, but it's still some twisted way of her caring.
"You're different." I answer quietly, and set my drink down.
"Right. People, when you know them, are even stranger than you thought them to be. Or worse. Or better even. All I'm saying is learn who the damn girl is before you fucking decide that she's the only person that could ever have your heart." Another drink is poured and I wait as she gulps a good part down. I look around for a familiar face to run to once Johanna's advice time is done but cannot find any.
"Now, we have another matter to deal with," she says and I look over at her again, focusing my attention at her. What else could she possibly say?
"So you're whole...bowing to dates or whatever. It's because you think you're in love with Brainless?"
I roll my eyes at her determination in using 'think you're in love'. "Yes." Whereas I just a day ago didn't want to tell Johanna anything, any of this, I find myself now just straight up answering. It's easier, and I find myself okay with it. I think also of how I said I couldn't understand how someone would be friends with her, and I'm starting to realize that there is in fact a way, and well, I may be on it.
"So you've never kissed a girl?"
My cheeks burn despite the fact that it's an obvious known answer to me. I didn't really care that much, really, that I've never been kissed. There's only one person I want to kiss, and I made the decision to not run around and have meaningless ones. So that's entirely on me. I get it. But it's when other people talk about it and discuss it. I suddenly feel like I'm some pariah or unknown creature under the microscope that they don't know what to do with. It's unnerving, and I feel myself start to tense up regardless of the slow ease I found myself in with Johanna. "Right."
She shook her head. "No, we can't have that. Listen, you want to kiss Katniss?" I can only nod. "So you have to work on the whole, you know, letting her know of your existence thing. Whatever. Let's say you do, and you get to the point where you want to kiss her and she wants to kiss you. So you kiss her. And it's your first kiss. Tell me, do you want it to be a good kiss?"
"What kind of question is that? Yes."
"Then you're an idiot. Look, whatever. I'm not telling you to go hook up with everyone because we all know you won't. You're missing out, but, whatever I won't hold it against you. What I'm saying is is that your first kiss always sucks. My first, I didn't know what I was doing. The guy was so enthusiastic that he bit my bottom lip and tugged until I bled. Mind you, later on down the line I found a way to do that where it feels good, but that doesn't matter with this. It was chunky and awkward and I still look back in it in shame. And I'm glad I don't talk to that guy anymore. Because it was off, and not good. Now I know, I know. I've heard of people who have had amazing first kisses that start off the rest of their lives with that person, but let's look at the facts. Just talking to Brainless scares you shitless. Do you trust yourself to be able to lock her lips in pure enjoyment of intimacy of the moment like your mind has conjured up throughout the years?"
The answer is simple, and one I already knew although I never let myself think that realistically about actually kissing her. "No."
She smiles. "That's all we need to hear, Lover Boy. Now come here, and don't kill me."
I raise my eyebrows at her in question to her words but step closer. She sets her drink down, and the next thing I know she's holding my face and her lips are on mine. Kissing me. My first kiss. Johanna Mason is my first kiss.
My eyes open wide in realization. I want to push her off of me. I want to go back to two seconds to where she said to come closer and walk away. I want to have not listened to anything she said. She knows for a fact, just went over it with me, that I was saving my goddamn first kiss.
I finally gather enough coherency in my brain to push her off of me. She takes a deep breath and so do I, rubbing my lips. My just kissed lips. "How was that?" She asks me as she picks her drink up again.
"Horrible."
"Good. For me it was that and illegal. I am eighteen you know. God. Anyway, you're pissed at me."
"Yes." Seething. I want the day to never have happened. I'm confused and I don't know what's happening and I just want to lay in my bed or work in the bakery without ever stopping again.
"Don't be. You should be thanking me."
"You kissed me–"
"Right. And it was horrible. Which, sorry Lover Boy. It was also a bit one sided. Next time you slant your lips with someone make sure to kick in some action yourself. I wasn't kissing you because I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to prove a point. You've had your first kiss. That's going to be your 'My First Kiss' story. It's not going to be Katniss. You got that?"
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I got that point Johanna."
"Good. Now, go and find Katniss and talk to the girl and get to know her. This whole I'm-saving-my-first-kiss-for-you is no longer there in it. You'll be able to relax more with her, be yourself. Just get to know the damn girl, and stop freaking out over guarding yourself and your lips in the meantime. It's alright if you want to kiss girls while you're waiting for her to want to kiss you, mind you."
I'm silent. I don't know what to do. On one hand, it kind of makes sense. I almost have this "fuck it" attitude that I've been wanting to have about it all now that my years of planning have crashed down. I also have a feeling that's just my anger I'm still feeling for Johanna, and that no matter what Katniss will be able to make me be a blundering fool, first kiss or no.
Johanna shakes her head. "You're so wrapped up in the idea of her being your first kiss... You never even thought of the possibility that you wouldn't be hers."
That stops my thoughts, and I look over at Johanna. I didn't think of that. Stupid. I assumed, all these years I guess, well if I wasn't kissing anyone she wasn't either. Stupid thought. Did she kiss someone? Who? I feel jealous slightly at whoever it was, but at the same time can't help but hope it was as horrible as the one that Johanna fit upon me.
"I'm not telling you anymore tonight, Lover Boy. You have a girl to talk to and I have booze to drink and a fine gentleman to seduce. Now where's that tall handsome hunk of man."
I leave her to her manhunt and take my drink (that I've not been drinking in who knows who long) as I walk out of the room. I look at everyone and they all seem to be minding their own business and not looking in my direction. I want to find Delly and all of them and forget everything in their mindless chatter and laughter and games, but I know they're out near the bonfire and I cannot deal with that. I want to find Madge, but all we'd talk about would be my situation. I'm selfish with Madge, I realize. I barely know anything about her besides the obvious and the real easy things. I know nothing deep of her. She knows my entire heart. It's something I should work on probably.
I think I'm just going to go home. I am on my way to putting on my jacket when I turn and see a big couch with a lone figure sitting upon it. Sitting alone and looking uncomfortable. Her posture is uncomfortable and she holds on tightly to her cup. There's a couple other people in the room. The music is loud. All I see is Katniss, and all I feel is my jacket in my hand.
