I have published a new story. It's a collection of KHR oneshots. The first chapter is a OC-Insert as Chrome.
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Summary: She has always envied the clouds. (Or: In which dreams are fulfilled in the most peculiar ways and a young girl gets reincarnated as the future Cloud Arcobaleno.) [SI, Self-Insert/OC-Insert as femSkull]
Have fun.
Nobody Sees Me Wishing
Chapter 3
Hush, My Sweet Child
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Where She Follows Her Dreams
nebula (n.) a cloud of interstellar gas and dust.
VIII.
Two years after their first training session, the members of Anja's group were finally allowed to choose their specialization. There was a surprisingly huge amount of possibilities to pick from, ranging from acrobats who performed alongside animals to those that showed their talents from dangerous heights.
After a few hours of silent contemplation and a long talk with Filip, Anja decided that the tightrope was the right future occupation for her.
The reason for her choice was a simple one. Although this specialization belonged to the more dangerous ones, it was also a path on which she would have to rely the least on other beings.
Trusting an animal not to get her killed during a show wasn't something Anja was willing to risk. Neither did she want to put her life into the hands of another acrobat during a trapeze act.
On the tightrope the girl would be mostly left alone. Acts performed in pairs were a rarity and not an requirement. Should an accident happen, then Anja would only have herself to blame for it. Besides, she did not think that she was actually capable of trusting a stranger with her life.
Having already had a taste of death, Anja knew with a very clear certainty that she did not want to die anytime soon.
(...even such thoughts were controlled by an individual perspective...
…
…
…which could be very easily changed by the smallest of realizations. Anja's change would come soon in form of the fact that in this new life, she could not die...)
This attitude might not have been a healthy one, but it certainly motivated her to get better. She was the one in control of her life and if she did not want to lose it, Anja had to be perfect at what she did.
Anja had never been a truly competitive person, nor had she ever really been someone who started arguments on any topics, however, all that changed when her newfound passion got involved.
When it came to walking on the tightrope, a small fire seemed to be ignited inside of her chest. It seemed as if for the first time in her life, Anja finally had a goal.
She would become the World's Greatest Acrobat.
(...what a joke...though, as she would later find out, one of the most fitting jokes she ever thought of...)
The first step towards her destination was training her agility. Never before had Anja been capable of performing a completely effortless split. After more than two years of training almost every day, her body was in an incredible condition.
She could perform splits and cartwheels as well as run outside for hours without tiring herself out.
As Eliza she had never been so physically active, even during the time when she could still walk. Back than she had just started her ballet lessons and formed the dream of becoming a professional in that area. That fragile bubble was burst not too long after her fifth birthday by a very painful fall off a tree.
For a while Anja had feared a repeat of her previous life, but then she quickly realized that she could not live in fear of what had once happened to her. The seemingly young girl had already been forced to give up on one of her dreams, she would not do so again.
She would not be ruled by the fear of falling again. This was something she promised herself before taking her first step upon the tightrope.
Back then, the rope had only been positioned a few centimeters above the ground, so Anja had not quite known what she was really signing herself up for. The whole thing had just been a fantastical idea which she had thought to be easier than it actually was.
Twenty centimeters were nothing in comparison to six meters. This was something she was forced to accept while standing on a raised platform and waiting for her turn to walk on the real deal for the first time.
Only one other girl from her previous training sessions had signed up for the path of a tightrope walker and as she watched the blonde fall onto the safety net below them, Anja felt like grabbing the railing on her left and never letting go of it. Heights weren't what she feared, falling was the one thing that terrified her immensely.
Anja did not want to lose her legs once again. Not after having tasted the freedom they granted her.
But she also did not want to live in fear for her whole life. If she gave up on something like this too easily, what would be her next step? Would she stop pursuing activities that possessed even an inkling of danger? Would her paranoia and fear soon force her to stop riding Lorena with her father?
Was she really willing to give up on this dream just like Eliza had to give up on becoming a professional ballet dancer?
The major difference being that, unlike Anja, Eliza had no choice in the matter.
A part of her would forever regret giving up without even trying. The gymnastics on the ground had been enjoyable and liberating and she knew that this could perhaps even become her passion if she just dared to try it.
There was also the possibility of choosing a safer path, but nothing appealed to her in the same way as the tightrope.
Anja really wanted this.
''It's your turn now.'' Arnold, her newest teacher, informed her once the other girl had been safely retrieved from the net. He gestured towards the rope with his hand and an encouraging smile appeared on his face. ''You look like you've seen a ghost. There is nothing to fear here, Anja. The net will catch you should you fall.''
Breathing unsteadily, the purple haired child tried to calm herself. She had been preparing herself for this moment for the last few years. In comparison to the acrobatics she had already performed on the ground, this wasn't too dangerous...
...
…
…it really wasn't. Or at least that was what she told herself.
''I'll hold you as long as you need me, ma choupinette.'' Had Anja been a few years older, she might have swooned at such a statement coming from a man as good-looking as Arnold. With his wide shoulders and dazzling blue eyes, the Englishman had many admires in the circus. His flawless English and French accents were something the young girl envied.
Uncertainly, Anja met the tall man's gaze. ''And how exactly do you intend to do that?''
''I'll hold you under your armpits and lower you onto the the rope.'' He seemed amused. ''When you're ready, I'll let go of you.''
What would happen if she was never ready?
Clammy hands grasped each other. ''I don't think I should do this.''
''Don't you even want to try?'' Arnold scratched his head, mouth tilting slightly downwards. His red bodysuit glistered in the bright lighting of the tent and was wrinkled a little bit where he bent his elbow.
It didn't really matter what Anja wanted – Currently, there was nothing she wanted more than to step on that accursed tightrope. - the problem was whether she could do it or not.
The hesitation must have been visible on her face as Arnold suddenly decided that it was a good idea to take a hold of her shoulder. Her heart immediately started pounding two times faster inside her chest and a wheezing breath passed her lips when she felt the man pulling her a step closer to the edge.
Anja looked down and her gaze immediately settled on Filip's form. Her father had insisted on being there during her 'big performance', so he was standing on the ground of the training tent and watching the panic that must have been on her face. Despite being slightly oblivious sometimes, Filip had always been there when she needed him. ''Wait, Arnold! Let me take over!''
There was something weird about hearing her father speak French instead of Croatian. Ignoring the novelty of that action, Anja focused on her father's next steps. She watched him walking towards the ladder leading up to the platform she was standing upon and climbing it with a grace that showed the years of acrobatic experience he had.
As a stuntman, Filip had to train just as much as the rest of the acrobats.
Within seconds, he managed to reach her and put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. Feeling his touch, Anja instantly relaxed.
If there was one person she trusted unconditionally in this new life, then it was her father.
(...There was nothing that could compare to a parent's love for their child...)
''Let me take over now, Arnold.'' Patting the unwanted hand on her shoulder a little harshly, Filip smiled a brilliant smile. ''Why don't you go down and take a break. I'm sure you need it after a whole day of work.''
''Sure, but don't take it too easy on her. Anja is your daughter and I respect that, however, she is also one of our future acrobats. The girl has some talent and you shouldn't let it go to waste because of something as banal as a fear of heights.'' Uttered the blue-eyed man before descending the ladder. His words were harsh and seemed to irritate Anja's father.
When Arnold was finally out of earshot, Filip knelt down in front of her. ''You know, Arnold doesn't really mean all that in a bad way. This, of course, doesn't mean that I share his opinion.'' He brushed some of the locks that had managed to escape their braid from her face. ''You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Yet you shouldn't forget that he wasn't wrong when he said that you were talented in this area. You have the potential to become a great acrobat some day, Anja.''
A shaky smile appeared on her lips.
''Your mother, she seemed almost ethereal during her performances. Viktoria had this determination I sometimes glimpse in your eyes. She loved what she was doing and if you enjoy walking on the tightrope even half as much as she enjoyed performing with the horses, then I believe that you should at least try making this work. If you don't want to repeat it afterwards, no one will force you.'' Before she could utter a word, Filip put his hands under her armpits and cradled her against his chest.
He would not be angry should she chose not to do this. Among all his good qualities, it was his supportive and acceptant nature concerning her that Anja appreciated the most.
''If I tell you to put me back onto the platform, you will do it.'' Ordered Anja after a long moment of contemplation.
Filip would not allow any harm to be done to her, so she did not have to fear that he would let go of her at an inopportune moment. He knew better than to abandon her on the tightrope while she was in the middle of a panic attack.
''I will.'' The promise passed his lips effortlessly, leaving no place for doubt.
''Good.'' Anja nodded firmly and continued speaking before she could change her mind. ''Lower me on the rope. Don't let go until I say otherwise.''
Hesitating just for a second because of how hard her legs were trembling, Filip kissed the top of her head and proceeded to follow her instructions. Due to the trembling of her whole body, Anja's feet missed the tightrope twice. During her third try, her feet finally made contact with what was meant to be her new 'ground'.
The rope trembled along with her legs and did not stop doing so until the young Croatian steadied herself. She would like to say that an unexpected calm took over her entire being and that she was suddenly capable of outperforming the most experienced acrobats in the circus, but that would have been a very obvious lie.
(...The image of little girl climbing a tree and falling, falling and falling danced across her mind and made her breath hitch...
…
...the pain of the impact was clearer than any other memories of her old life and...
…
…
...and Anja could not remember the last time she had felt so afraid...)
Body straightening rigidly, Anja tried to grab onto the last strands of her resolve. The fire burning inside of her had long since been extinguished and nothing but a few hot embers had been left behind.
''You can let me go.'' Bit out Anja and then she, quite embarrassingly really, disregarded all of her previous training and tried to run forward without really focusing on her balance. Flailing her arms left and right, Anja tried to stop herself from toppling to the side.
Fear seized her heart as she felt her body moving too far to the right. A loud shriek escaped her lips - In the future she would deny the existence of this day. - and after taking only four tiny steps, Anja fell.
Her back burned in remembrance of Eliza's childhood accident and for a second Anja actually believed that she would die again. She felt her whole body freezing in preparation for the upcoming pain and tears started gathering in her eyes.
The safety net caught her before she could form a coherent thought. It moved up and down due to the admittedly minimal weight of her body.
Anja had to force her eyes to open, not remembering when she had actually closed them. The familiar yellow and red ceiling of the tent greeted her and Anja immediately noticed that Filip had already left his place on the platform. Inhaling a deep breath, the young Croatian watched her chest move.
Almost unbidden, her knees bent and toes wiggled.
Slowly, she raised a trembling hand to wipe the moisture off her face. Salty tears and sweat mixed together and a relieved sob echoed through the almost empty tent.
She was alive and legs were still working.
IX.
Anja did not dare to step on the higher located tightropes for the following two weeks. She continued her training on the ground and watched the other members of the circus showing off their talent above her.
Just like her father promised, no one tried to pressure her into trying to walk the more dangerous tightropes once again. Most people probably thought that she would do it without their prompting and Anja knew that she would have to if she wanted to continue pursuing this career.
The worst thing about the whole situation was that she did not fear the height itself. The only thing she was utterly terrified of was the falling.
It wasn't a completely unfounded fear, she doubted that anyone could properly deny that. A fall had already ruined her life once and Anja feared that it would happen again.
Astoundingly, one of her worst fears did not actually manage to completely deter her from her newest dream. Maybe it was because she could see how irrational it was when compared to the risks of the other choices she had. Working with animals could be just as dangerous as the tightrope.
There was also the fact that Anja could very easily break her bones while doing all the gymnastics she enjoyed so much.
She had seen it happen to one of the older boys, so she knew how ridiculous her reasoning truly was.
This inner turmoil of hers would have most likely continued to plague her for a few more weeks if it weren't for Iliana, a Bulgarian girl who had been a part of her first training group.
Watching her perform on the tightrope and get better with each passing day ignited an ugly jealousy in Anja's chest. Although she had started her lessons in this particular field only about a year ago–or perhaps it was because she had begun doing it such a short while ago–Iliana was beautiful up there.
Her movements winning some sureness each time she managed to execute an instruction flawlessly. The way she so effortlessly moved on that bright tightrope. That certain pride in her posture when she set her feet upon the steady ground once again without having sustained an injury.
Those were all causes of the envy that festered in her chest since the moment she had failed in moving forward towards her dream.
Surprisingly, it wasn't this envy that finally prompted her to climb that accursed ladder. Iliana came up to Anja and somehow managed to convince her to not give up with a backhanded compliment.
''I'm glad you're such a coward.'' Looking down at the young Croatian due to the three years she had on her, Iliana's mouth turned down in disgust. ''Otherwise you might have been almost as good as I am. My maman says that no one likes those who try to steal the show from the bride.''
The truth of that statement irked her incredibly as well as forced her to once again face how stupid she was being. Considering that a nine years old girl took notice of one of her many flaws and admitted to seeing Anja's potential, it was a wonder that the purple haired child did not believe even the slightest bit in herself.
She had trained for this since she was four years old. Spent many hours stretching and building muscles to be able to do splits and handstands. Practiced for many days until she could finally keep her balance on the narrow rope.
Anja knew that she could do it and a part of her itched to just climb up to the small platform and then to step on the rope without a second thought.
She would have done it if she had not been so riled up. Thinking that it would be better to calm down a bit before she started balancing on a thin stripe more than six meters above the ground, Anja took a deep calming breath.
Since when did children behave that way, the once teenage girl wondered as a frown appeared on her face. Weren't they supposed to be nice and adorable?
As the Croatian watched the other girl saunter out of the tent, she came to the conclusion that she really did not like children. At all.
Still, Anja was honest enough to admit that she was grateful when at the end of the day she finally managed to not only take a step forward on the tightrope, but in the direction where she wanted her future to head.
And this time, when she fell, instead of panicking and leaving the tent without looking back, Anja only did the former.
