Alone, Butters reflected on his life. He had never really fit in, anywhere. When they were younger, he was constantly picked on. When he came out, he was isolated further. Sure, he had a few friends, Wendyl, Raven, Kenny, and Clyde to an extent. But he had never felt like he belonged anywhere.
Now however, he felt differently. Ever since he had first sat with them. Michael, Pete, Firckle, and Henrietta. He felt like he belonged there. They accepted him. They liked him and enjoyed his company. For some reason though, he was afraid of enjoying it. Of getting attached to them.
He got out a notebook and began writing a poem, he probably wouldn't share it, but they encouraged him to write and share something he found meaningful.

'Community

A sense of community...,
I never knew what that meant.
I never understood what it could mean.
At the same time,
I want it,
But I'm afraid of it.
Losing what I never had?
Is there truly anything to lose?
Or is it the fear of gaining?
Don't we want to belong?
Or have I strayed so far,
I can never fit there again?'

Yeah..., he definitely wasn't going to share that. But it raised valid points. As much as he wanted to be a part of their group, he was terrified to do so. They were his friends, they actually understood him. They understood when no one else did. They agreed that a part of them had died with Raven. So why couldn't he accept their acceptance? He finally belonged somewhere, but he couldn't believe it.
He pulled himself from the dark path his thoughts were going down. He had work soon. He stuffed the notebook back into his backpack and then went about finding clothes for the day.
Dressed and fed, Butters drove to work, trying hard not to let any thoughts of Raven creep in.
It seemed, he couldn't help it, and as he worked, memories of the black-haired boy played in his head.

'"It's okay Butters, I don't care if you're gay," eleven year old Raven told him with a smile.

Butters blushed, spluttering, "Th-that's not what I was saying!"

"No, Butters, it's really okay dude. I don't care."

"Aw..., w-well thank you..."'

'"Come on!" fourteen year old Raven yelled over his shoulder, a grin on his face as he ran to the frozen pond.

It was rare, but the goth kids had all decided to go ice skating with most of the other teens and pre-teens.

Butters watched as Raven skated, easily besting Pete in a little race that ended with Pete laying on his back and muttering.
Raven just laughed and said, "Oh come on! Lighten up just a little. We got out of school for the day."

Butters smiled as he watched them, he wanted so badly to be a part of that, of something like that. But..., he skated alone, watching friends and couples as they happily enjoyed each other.'

'"This is something long overdue," Raven started, his hands going into his pockets.

"Though what I'm giving you, you're not to read it, until three days from today. Okay?"

Butters nodded, he would never do something like that.

Raven handed him an envelope that simply said "Butters" in his slanting handwriting.

Butters put it in his coat pocket with a grin. "W-well, that's not all is it?"

Raven chuckled, "No, Butters, it's not."

"Oh good," he grinned.

"This..., this is what was overdue. Butters, I like you, in the way that through that simple liking, my feelings grew much deeper. And well.., you see, Butters, I love you."

Butters stood there, his cheeks aflame, as Raven's eyes fell down to stare at the snow covered ground.

"Y-you..., wait..., You're serious Raven?"

Raven took a deep breath, "Yeah Butters. I don't joke about such serious stuff."

"Oh..., all right then." And he fell silent once more.

As the silence stretched, Raven spoke, "It's all right if you don't feel like that towards me, I just thought I should tell you. I mean..., I had been pretty sure before, but a few events in more recent times, soldified my feelings."

Butters still didn't say anything and the silence stretched further.
Raven sighed.'

He felt tears welling up in his eyes, but he didn't let them fall. If he had known what that letter had contained... If he had known what Raven had been up to...
It felt like a clawed hand had grasped his heart and was squeezing it, trying to rip it from his chest.
'Raven...,' he thought desolately.

It always came back to that last..., the last time he had seen him alive. That moment, he had confessed his feelings and given his suicide note.
'He knew me so well,' Butters thought bitterly. 'He knew, I wouldn't open it. He knew I would wait, because he asked me to.'
A sob tried to escape his throat but he turned it into a hard cough, his throat feeling raw from the force. He looked sheepishly at the other guys and they rolled their eyes at him and told him not to get them sick. He laughed shakily with them, glad the day was over in a few more minutes.

He drove home, going straight up the stairs and to his room for a change of clothes before darting into the bathroom. He shed his clothes and turned the shower on to as hot as he could stand before stepping in.
Dressed once more, Butters went to his room and sat at his computer. He didn't turn it on, instead, he stared at the black screen, occasionally focusing on his reflection.
'Raven... Would you recognize me? Would I be this way if you hadn't gone? If I had been this way before you took that step, would you not have? Would we have taken it together? Would we have been together? Oh Raven...'

He shut his eyes tightly, forcing down the tears and the sobs. He wasn't going to cry for him. He wasn't.