"It's getting cold."
He agreed, "We should start a fire."
"I don't think I have enough hair left for a fire," she smirked.
He smiled, clearly amused but still embarrassed at the memory, "I suppose you don't. Let's try without hair this time."
"Don't be embarrassed, Chakotay. I don't think that you ever thought you'd be stranded in the Delta Quadrant having to start a fire with sticks and stones on a distant unnamed planet."
"I was embarrassed. But how did you know that?" he started to gather sticks and brush.
"I felt it."
This time, Chakotay proved his mettle and started a small fire. The sat on the ground, close but not touching. The fire danced and dimly illuminated the darkness of their surroundings.
I love-
"Firelight," he finished.
She smiled, remembering something, "I was on the holodeck last week sitting in Sullivan's. Michael started- What?"
"I didn't say anything."
"No. When I said the name 'Michael' I felt a sudden wave of something. What is it, Chakotay?"
"It's nothing, Captain."
"No. No don't do that. Don't pull away from me," she said softly.
"Kathryn. Don't ask me to tell you."
"Why?"
"Because, Kathryn! It will ruin our relationship."
Please, Kathryn, don't ask me to tell you that I'm in love with you. Don't ask me to put my heart out only for you to break it. It's all I have, Kathryn.
"Oh, Chakotay," she sobbed. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"How could I? And even if I did, would you have listened? It would have destroyed us."
"No, no," she shook her head, keeping her eyes down at the ground.
"We're a good team, Kathryn. We've made it through a lot in the past six years. We've managed to integrate two crews with vastly different philosophies, we've kept our ship together and we've beaten countless enemies against impossible odds. We couldn't have done that if I had told you that I loved you and you had turned me down. There would have been too much bitterness. Too much resentment."
"What," she whispered, "what makes you think that I would have turned you down?"
"I thought once that we had a chance. Two years ago on-"
"New Earth."
He let out a sigh, "yes."
"I was so close," she began, "I was so close to letting you in. If Voyager hadn't come back that day, I was sure that within that week we would have become lovers."
He was shocked. He'd never known she felt that way. He'd sensed it, yes. He'd sensed her openness to him during their last few days on New Earth, but nothing like this.
"You've changed, Kathryn," he whispered with a bitter twinge in his voice. He didn't mean to sound bitter. He didn't want to hurt her. But he had to say it. If he didn't get this out now, when would it be said?
"So have you, Chakotay."
"You know I love you, Kathryn." There it was. He'd said it. After all these years, he'd said it plainly.
"You've never said it before now."
"Haven't I?"
"Are you referring to your Ancient Legend?" she asked incredulously.
"Yes. You knew then, Kathryn. I think you knew that I had told you that I loved you. And my actions – didn't they say it as well?"
"Yes." She responded almost inaudibly. She thought back to that night. She'd cried and held his hand, knowing the truth of his feelings for her. She thought back to all the wonderful things he did for her on that planet. He'd taken care of her – built her a headboard for her bed so that she wouldn't strain her back when she read at night. He'd made her a bathtub – a whole bathtub and filled it for her every night. He'd even start to build her a boat. And then she thought about after New Earth. She thought about all the times that he supported her, held her, took care of her while on the ship. He was telling me, she thought, he was telling me that he loved me.
"Then you knew. You know that I'm in love with you."
"How can you be in love with me, Chakotay?"
"How can you ask me that, Kathryn?"
"I don't want you to be in love with me."
"Why?"
She was getting angry. Couldn't he just leave it? Couldn't he see that this was hurting her?
"Stop getting angry, Kathryn." He stated firmly.
"No. No!" she got up and started to pace wildly.
"Kathryn! Sit down and talk to me about this!"
"No! I don't want your love, Commander! I don't deserve it. Please," she started to cry, "please."
And there it was. There was the crux of Kathryn's sadness – inadequacy.
Chakotay got up slowly and walked up behind her small hunched form. She was sobbing, "you do, Kathryn. You do." He rubbed his face, trying to gather his thoughts, "Kathryn do you know how amazing you are?"
"Stop, Chakotay. I don't need your pity or your consolation."
"Pity? I do not pity you. Kathryn, I think you're the most sensational woman I've ever met in my whole life."
"Clearly you haven't met that many women..."
"Stop." He put his hands softly on her shoulders and turned her towards him.
"Kathryn," he whispered softly as his voice – the voice that she loved – caressed her name. She loved the way that he said it. It was soft, reverent.
She was shaking, as he lifted her face to his own, "tell me, please" he pleaded.
"I was never good enough, Chakotay. I loved my father with all my heart. I know he loved me. I know that he was proud of me, but still I never felt good enough. I thought that by making top grades and getting into the academy that he'd finally be proud of me. And," she once again turned away from him, "and with Justin, it was the same. He was a model officer. He was a grade above me when we met. There was always this unspoken competition between us. It drove him mad. It drove me mad, but I told myself that I was in love with him…" she was trailing off. "Mark. I don't think Mark understood me. I think he was comfortable with me and I was with him. I had nothing to prove to him. He was the safest choice."
She looked around, paced a few steps. "And now, look what I've done. I stranded Voyager in the Delta Quadrant. The fucking Delta Quadrant! 70,000 light years from home! I know I always say that we'll get home, but there are days when I seriously doubt it. What a mess I've made."
He let her finish, keeping his emotions under careful control. He said nothing. He'd never seen this side of her before. He knew it was there. He'd always known that beneath her tough as nails exterior laid a vulnerable woman. But, she'd never been this honest with him. She'd never been this open.
"If you're trying to push me away, Kathryn, it's not working."
She sobbed, "Why are you doing this? Why are you making this harder for me?"
He'd had enough. "I know you're in love with me, Kathryn."
She turned, wide-eyed and stared right at him.
Stop!
"I'm not going to stop loving you. You can't do anything to make me stop."
She was breaking, "why? Why do you love me? I've done nothing but hurt you over and over again. I've done nothing but rebuff you and throw up walls between us. Sometimes, Chakotay I just wish that you'd find someone among the crew. I just wish that you'd go and be happy."
"Yes, you hurt me. You hurt me with Kashyk. You're hurting me with Michael."
I'm sorry.
"I know."
"But that doesn't change the way that I feel. That doesn't change the way my heart starts pounding when you walking into the room. It doesn't change the anticipation that I feel when I get to spend time with you in your ready room, on the holodeck, or in your quarters. It doesn't change how incredibly breathtakingly beautiful I think you are. It doesn't change how badly I want you that most days that I can't even see straight. It doesn't change that I think you are the bravest and most intelligent person that I've ever met. You can't do anything to make me love you less. And, I am proud of you. I'm proud even just to know you and call you my friend. I'm humbled to serve with you. And you know what, Kathryn? The whole crew is proud to serve with you."
She was crying now. Big fat tears meandered down her cheeks. No one had ever said those things to her. She was overwhelmed by the feelings that he had for her now lain bare because of the implants. His love for her was pervasive. No one had ever felt this way for her and she was simply and utterly at a loss.
He moved to close the distance between them. She was broken. Here was Kathryn Janeway – the most formidable opponent you could come across. She could wield a phaser, plan brilliant battle strategies, talk circles around foreign dignitaries and even intimidate the Borg Queen herself but underneath it all here was a broken woman. She melted into his embrace as sobs wracked her body. He rubbed small circles on the small of her back and kissed her head. "I'm sorry," she said over and over again like a mantra as she clung to his sturdy form.
"Shh, Kathryn." He whispered.
She took a deep breath, "I do love you. I do. But I'm so scared to let you love me."
He smiled and laughed as he looked down at her, "deal with it. You're stuck with me."
"Am I?"
"Yes."
"You can't promise me that. Not out here. Not when any day you could die."
"I know. But I'll do everything I can not to, Miss. I've-brushed-with-death-more-times-than-I-can-coun t."
"Guess I won't be sending you on any more shuttle craft flights," she chuckled.
He laughed warmly, "I suppose not. But I'll try to never leave you, Kathryn."
She smiled against his chest, for the first time, reveling in the love that he was showering on her.
The moment came seamlessly. She lifted her head from his chest to look at him. His dark bronze skin glowed in the firelight. He looked down at her, caught up in her loveliness. Did she even know how beautiful she was? Her hair was set on ablaze in the dim light. Hues of red, gold and chestnut played among each other. Her smoky blue eyes looked back. Her cheeks were flush and raw from the tears. He couldn't help but be drawn to her. She was intoxicating.
It was profoundly humbling to feel how he felt about her. She never thought of herself as beautiful. But, the way he felt about her and the way he looked at her started to change her own perceptions. His lips descended on hers and took them possessively. His tongue slid wetly over her bottom lip. She felt him all around her, inside of her. He was in her very thoughts. He wanted her with every fibre of his being. He wanted her like a thirsty man wants water. She moaned into his mouth and opened herself further to him. Soon, though, oxygen became a precious commodity and they had to pull away.
"Please, Kathryn. Please let me love you."
Tears once again came and she nodded her head, "yes."
He smiled again at their predicament and then started to chuckle, "as much as I want to make love to you – here on this planet is not where I want to do it."
She laughed as well, "definitely not."
He tugged her close and kissed her temple, "let's get some sleep before the sun rises and we have to get going again".
And so the two slept, arms tightly wound around one another. Tomorrow would bring it's own set of challenges, but for now they forgot about them and reveled in the newly found openness of their relationship and their feelings for one another.
