A/N: Well, thanks everyone, for reviewing. I know all of us would love to give Iruka a hug. So yeah, you would probably want to hug / cuddle / coodle him after his chapter. Anyway, do enjoy.
Chapter 3: Ending the Hurt
The mission room was silent as its workers worked diligently; accepting reports, checking them over, approving them and filing them.
Iruka bent over his desk, frowning at the messy state of the scroll that the jounin before him had submitted. He glanced up at the nervous man with a hint of dissatisfaction before finally shaking his head and stamped the approval on it.
"Thank you for your hard work."
The jounin heaved a sigh of relief and mumbled a quick 'thanks' before hurrying off and allowing the next person to submit the report.
A shadow fell across the desk. Iruka did not look up as he scribbled notes on the mission report. He held out his hand, waiting for the scroll to be placed on his palm as he focused on the work before him.
When nothing came after a while, the chunin looked up to see who it was standing before him. His smile almost faltered as he stared at the jounin.
"Iruka-san."
Iruka took in a deep breath and managed to keep the smile in place as he returned the greeting.
"Genma-san. Do you have a report to submit?"
The honey-haired man scratched the side of his head before he reached into his vest pocket and pulled out a scroll. He set it down before the tanned chunin and watched nervously as Iruka took it and began his task of reading through the contents.
"Uh, Iruka," Genma swallowed hard as he rolled his senbon between his tongue and leaned forward slightly. "I would like to apologize."
The chunin felt himself stiffening. But he kept his calm as he took his pen and scribbled something in the report. "About?"
"What I said in the waiting room last week." Genma muttered. "I'm sorry. I'm not implying that you can't match up to Kakashi because of ranks. I'm just –"
Iruka sighed. "It's fine."
"Eh?" Genma blinked. "Um, no, Iruka, I'm really sorry. I mean –"
"I said it's fine, Genma-san." Iruka stamped the approval and tossed the scroll aside. He glanced up at the jounin. Genma did look apologetic, but Iruka wasn't ready to deal with anyone now. He felt his smile slipping more by the minute and knew that if the older man were to probe any further into the issue, he would break down there and then. "I don't mind."
'Do you really not?'
Iruka stamped down on the voice that was taunting him and rubbed his face tiredly. "But I would prefer if you leave me out of your conversations next time." He swallowed hard and his next sentence barely came out above a whisper. "After all, I don't want anyone to misunderstand that there's anything going on between Kakashi-sensei and me. It's not going to do any good to his reputation…"
Genma felt the guilt slapping him in the face. He sighed. "Iruka, I really don't –"
"Or mine for that matters." Iruka smiled. "It's really damaging to my reputation as a teacher too to be involved in such a gossip."
Genma watched the chunin quietly. After a while, he finally nodded. "Yeah, I guess you are right."
"Well, if there's nothing else, Genma-san, perhaps you could let me get on with my work."
The jounin eyed Iruka uncertainly. Then he nodded and turned to go. "Have a good day, Iruka."
The moment Genma stepped away, Iruka's smile fell. He felt drained, mentally and emotionally. He had thought burying himself in work would bring his thoughts away from his pain. But then, he hadn't anticipated on Genma approaching him and digging up old wounds. He couldn't blame the man anyway. After all, the jounin only had the intention to apologize.
He casted a glance at the clock in the room. Another half an hour before his shift ends. Perhaps after that, he could go back to the academy and grade that pile of essays that his students had submitted that day. It could serve as another form of distraction for him and delay his return to his apartment where he would undoubtedly, start thinking about things all over again.
Sighing, he glanced up to accept the next mission report. But he froze when his eyes came in contact with an intense single grey; its owner leaning against the wall at the far end.
It took all of his willpower to break away from the gaze and it took out another fair amount of his energy to keep those tears from falling. He was almost grateful when Izumo came up to him, regarding him with worry in his eyes.
"You don't look good, Iruka."
"I… I'm fine." The chunin licked his dry lips, feeling that eye boring into him.
"No, you are not." Izumo said quietly. He picked up Iruka's bag from the floor and shoved it onto the teacher's lap. "Go back and rest. I will take it from here."
Iruka stared at his messenger bag dumbly. Izumo gave him a light push to get him out of his seat. "Go ahead, Iruka. You need that rest." The long-haired chunin watched his friend for a moment before adding. "I will drop by later with dinner and we will talk."
Iruka wanted to protest, wanted to reassure his friend. But nothing came out from his constricted throat. With nothing to say, he turned away and started putting his things into the bag before standing up.
"Thank you, Izumo."
The long-haired chunin nodded and watched as his friend trudged out of the mission room. He turned his head towards the direction where Iruka had been staring blankly into before he disrupted, but there was nothing, except an uninteresting plain, white wall.
=-=-=-=
Izumo watched his friend silently as he shoved a piece of chicken into his mouth. Iruka on the other hand, wasn't even eating. Instead, he was pushing his food around in his plate and staring blankly into nothingness.
The long-haired chunin sighed and set down his chopsticks. Then he reached over and pulled the chopsticks out of Iruka's hand. That single act finally caught the brunette's attention and he glanced up at his companion.
"What, Izumo?"
"That's what I wanted to ask." The other chunin glared.
The tanned chunin stared at his friend for a moment and shrugged. "I'm eating my dinner."
"Seems more like you were playing with your food." Izumo frowned. Then his eyes softened. "And you look like you have a lot on your mind."
Iruka forced a smile to his face as he looked into his friend's eyes. "It's nothing. I'm just tired."
"I've known you for far too long, Iruka." Izumo set the chopsticks down beside Iruka's plate. "You are more than tired. Something is up, but you are not telling me."
The man turned his head and stared out of the window. "I'm fine."
"You are breaking up." Izumo said quietly. He reached over and placed a hand over his friend's. "Iruka, whatever it is that is tearing you up so badly, you've got to talk to someone about it. If you continue on like this, I fear for your sanity."
"It's really nothing, Izumo." Iruka smiled. "I guess work is just piling up so much that I'm getting a little stressed over it."
"Have you even looked at yourself in the mirror?" Izumo eyed his friend with concern. "You won't be looking like this if it was just stress from work. You look horrible, Iruka. You looked like you haven't been sleeping and eating well for days."
The chunin averted his gaze. "I'm fine." He repeated as he fought back the tears at the back of his eyes.
Izumo sighed. "I can't force you to say anything if you don't want to. But Iruka, just remember that when you are ready to talk, Kotetsu and I will be here to listen."
Iruka glanced up at his friend and gave a small smile.
"Thank you." He whispered hoarsely. Izumo stared at his friend for a moment before pulling a napkin from the box at the side of the table and handed it over to the tanned chunin. And it was then Iruka realized that the tears had fallen without him knowing.
"There's nothing that can't be solved, Iruka." Izumo walked over to his friend and clasped a comforting hand on the other chunin's shoulder. "Everything is going to be alright."
More tears fell from the brown orbs. Izumo reached over and gave his friend a comforting hug. "It's not worth tearing yourself up over problems. You are smart, Iruka. I'm sure you will find a way out."
Iruka closed his eyes as a sob tore from his throat. Yes, he did have a way out. But, can he really bring himself to do it?
=-=-=-=
Iruka remained seated in his bed motionlessly since his friend left, as he silently waited in the dark, even though he no longer had any idea of what he was really waiting for. But then again, did he have anything worth waiting for in the first place? Kakashi had taken away his hope, had crushed his dreams into smithereens with just a few choice words.
It had been a week since that fateful day and Kakashi hadn't been to his apartment since. Though, Iruka had seen him around in the village, always in the company of one jounin or the other. Just a few days back, he had even seen Kakashi outside the mission room, chatting amiably with a kunoichi who was so blatantly flirting with the copy nin.
The thought brought another wave of fresh pain on him. He had been able to catch Kakashi's gaze then. But the older man had given him an unreadable look before turning back to his conversation with the other lady. The nonchalant attitude had shattered Iruka's heart; or rather, what was remained of it and he had to garner all his control to pretend that he wasn't bothered and keep himself from breaking further.
Perhaps, Kakashi was now in the embrace of that kunoichi. That would explain his absence for the last days. And perhaps, that was his hint to Iruka that this was the end of their association; further concreting Iruka's guess that this had always been nothing more than a casual relationship; that he was nothing more than just another conquest under the copy nin's belt.
Iruka buried his face between his drawn knees, trying hard to not break down. Izumo was right. This was not worth it. Why should he be so torn up over it when Kakashi wasn't even bothered?
Because he had been the gullible one in this entire sham. He had been the one to foolishly invest his entire heart into this supposed relationship. And now, he could only suffer in silence, could only watch on helplessly even if Kakashi decided to hold another person in his arms and whisper the sweet, loving promises that he had been telling Iruka for the last few months. And there was no way he could stop it, no matter how much he wanted to.
Iruka was so lost in his own suffering that he failed to notice the presence that entered his room until he was wrapped up in strong arms. He glanced up with weary, red-rimmed eyes and felt a calloused thumb swiped away his tears.
"Iruka…"
The chunin did not say a word. He pushed the other man away and scooted over to the other side of the bed. He regarded his companion for a moment before his shaky fingers reached up and he began to unbutton his pajamas top. He was half way through when a gloved hand halted him.
"What are you doing?"
Iruka glanced up at the single piercing eye, a hint of anger and guilt hidden in it. He offered up a small smile, despite the tears the streaked down his cheeks.
"You came to take what you need, and I'm giving it to you. Isn't that the way it's supposed to go, Hatake-sama?"
The grey eye narrowed and the grip on the chunin's wrist tightened. "What are you talking about?"
"That's the kind of relationship we had all along, isn't it?" Iruka stared at the hand holding on to him, wondering how many times when that hand held him was because its owner truly cherished him.
Kakashi released the younger man in stunned shock and looked away. "Don't say that. You know that's not true."
"Then what is?" Iruka whispered, staring at the copy nin's vest, the tears no longer kept in check. "I don't know what to believe anymore, Kakashi. I hang on to your words so much that I can't even differentiate between dream and reality now. I don't even know how much of those words that you said are lies."
The jounin raked a hand through his hair, feeling a stab of pain in his heart. He reached forward and cupped the chunin's face. "I've never lied to you, Iruka. I mean every word I said."
Iruka shook his head. "Then why?" He choked. "Why can't you just admit that we are together?"
Kakashi closed his eye, taking in a deep, shuddering breath. "I'm sorry."
"Am I really not worthy of you, Kakashi?" Iruka pressed the heel of his palm against his eye. "Because I'm a chunin? Because we are not on par in our ranks? Because I'm just a lowly academy teacher, while you are the well-known copy nin? Am I so unworthy that you can't even bring yourself to acknowledge us?"
"Please Iruka, don't say such things." Kakashi tugged down his mask and leaned forward, placing a light kiss on the unresponsive lips. "Please. You know I've never thought it that way."
"I'm tired, Kakashi. Of always watching you from the shadows and never knowing what would become of us."Iruka turned his head away. "It hurts every time to deny our associations; to hear you tell others that I am nothing to you."
The jounin dropped his hand, guilt lacing his voice as he spoke. "Give me a little more time, Iruka. I promise I will let the others know soon."
Iruka turned to eye the older man, desperation in his tone. "How long?"
When there was no reply from Kakashi, Iruka felt his heart utterly breaking. He shook his head and whispered hoarsely. "Don't promise what you cannot give."
"Iruka……"
"What am I to you, Kakashi?" The chunin searched the single eye imploringly. "What do I really mean to you?"
"I love you, Iruka."
The words were like heavy chains to the heart. Iruka scrunched his eyes close, swiping the tears that clung on them.
'How long do you intend to keep lying to me?'
"It's enough, Kakashi." Iruka said in a defeated voice. "It's enough. I can't keep up anymore."
"Iruka –"
The chunin shook his head, not wanting to hear anymore. He knew it was high time for him to accept the fact that this twisted version of love will never lead them anywhere, except bringing the copy nin to his bed. And that was what this entire relationship had been about since the very first time it started. It was never meant to go deeper than just physical bonding. He should have known that Kakashi would never attach himself to him. He had so overestimated himself, thinking that the jounin was really in love with him.
Kakashi watched the younger man silently. He knew he should let go, he shouldn't hurt Iruka anymore. But he couldn't. He reached over and took a tanned hand in his.
"Please, Iruka."
"Don't, Kakashi." Iruka stared out of the window, knowing what he was going to say next would kill him. But he also knew he couldn't handle the copy nin treating him as nothing more than a fling. "We should end this. This game cannot continue anymore."
The grip on his hand went slacked. But Kakashi did not release it totally. Iruka finally turned his tearful eyes towards the older man.
'Prove to me that you love me.'
Iruka clung on desperately to that last hopeful notion that the older man would salvage this; that Kakashi would not give him up; that he truly loved the younger man.
But his hope was dashed when Kakashi released his hand and stood up, adjusting his mask over his face. He eyed the older man as Kakashi turned and headed for the window.
"You are right, Iruka-sensei. I'm sorry for intruding on you for so long."
The last hope shattered into nothingness. Fresh tears spilled from the brown eyes as they followed the silver-haired jounin's back, watching as the man headed towards the window.
'Don't go.'
Kakashi casted one last look at him before taking out of the window and into the night. When the chakra signal disappeared, Iruka wrapped his arms around himself, choking on his sobs.
"Am I really that unworthy of you, Kakashi?"
Outside the window, staying hidden in the shadows, Kakashi clenched his fist, fighting against the urge to reenter the room and comfort the younger man.
'No, Iruka. I'm the one unworthy of your love.'
=-=-=-=
